This Blog: A Glimpse at the Low Points

i've been increasingly aware lately of how people, specifically those with whom i don't speak candidly irl but who read this blog, think i am miserable. It is not my inclination to care what people think but it is my desire to maintain candor at all times. If this blog conveys a falsehood then i want to correct it. i do not like misperception of any kind.

i have countless incomplete stored blog entries of how happy i am, none ever posted. Why not? Because i don't have motivation to write when i am content. Since i was as young as eight i vividly recall using writing to cleanse myself of the overwhelming negativity of feelings with which i could not cope. It was a safe means of expression, effective and without fear of recrimination unless i chose to share it. i have no desire to write when things are good because i don't need to expunge those feelings from myself. Quite the contrary. Often i hold good news to myself to savor it before i even let others in on it if they are to know at all.

So for those who suspect this blog is an overview of my pervasive mindset, you stand corrected. my general mood and attitude and LIFE are filled with more serenity than ever before. i am not hiding from my true self and, other than my Master, i am answerable to no one. He gets a bad rap in this blog because i never write to say how wonderful He is. i write to condemn Him. Some of those assertions linger in my mind even after the blog entry is complete but most fade with the expression and are replaced with reasoned thinking. Yet i never print a retraction. i never follow up to say that it was my mood swing which colored my point of view and that my perceptions do not hold up when the chemicals in my brain realign themselves. That i can formulate a cogent assertion does not make it reality based.

Here is the current text under Master's picture in my SL profile. Perhaps its sharing will correct some of the negativity i inevitably express toward Him here by presenting the other, and more frequently felt, side of things.

"With the privilege of His collar has come the massive undertaking of learning to be my true self, the beast i've spent my life denying. No other man could or ever will own me. i belonged to Him long before i met Him either on SL or IRL. He is my reason when there is no other, my reality check when i'm off the deep end, my focal point when i'm scattered, my friend when He can be, and my warden when He must be. He is the only one who can get me out of my own way. Letting Him hold the whip has been hard. Letting Him hold my hand on a softer path is infinitely harder, yet always His goal. For fleeting moments, He actually has me considering that the world might... MIGHT... be the pleasant place He takes it to be. i challenge Him and i frustrate Him but ultimately i obey Him, grateful for His willingness to embrace the formidable task of dealing with me. Who i was, who i am, who i will be... they are all His. You can see His collar on my neck but it is anchored to my heart and soul. i love Him."

This is a never published blog entry from 6/3, unpublished because i never completed it and incomplete because i had no need to vent:

"Okay, i found myself stressed to the brink the other day over what Master MIGHT do when i got home. i got myself so worked up over it that i was reciting a whole list in my head of things that made me feel justified in resenting Him and i was actually envisioning myself removing my collar and throwing it down in front of Him. Um... over what He MIGHT do?

Miraculously, it occurred to me that i was imagining myself going apeshit over something that didn't have to happen. i texted Him a message, respectfully stating what i didn't think i could handle. And that was it. Crisis averted. Instead of going through the day with increasing anxiety anticipating a problem which may not ever have happened and about which Master knew nothing, i just told Him. Proactive communication. Imagine that!

Realizing i could impact the situation, rather than just feeling victimized and waiting to explode, was pretty amazing to me!

i've also been increasingly aware of the no-win situations i create."

That was something that bothered me enough initially to get it down in black and white but then there was no need to go on. Had everything just been fine to begin with, as it is more often than not, it never even would have made it to the unpublished archives but remained with me as unblogged happiness. my contentment is not as elusive as you may think, blog readers. Thank you for your concern but it is neither needed nor, since it is based upon misperception, wanted.

Life is far from easy these days but it is the adventure i have long sought and i feel more freedom in this collar than i ever could have as a "free" drone trying to live out the life everyone thought i should in New York. i can face myself in the mirror unashamedly. i smile and i laugh frequently, usually at Master's deliberate provocation. i have a sense of hope which i had lacked for years.

AND... i finally managed an upbeat blog entry!

v, pink, and Doomsday

Lately v has gotten very expressive in her blog and i've been impressed with her ability to express herself cogently and to put into words some of the things i feel as well regarding Master. i told Him that i found all she said to be legitimate and that i shared her sentiments. i was pleased with myself for expressing that directly rather than waiting to blog about it. i've been doing better with that a lot lately.

Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.

i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.

Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...

In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.

There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!

Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.

i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.

Badly Timed Disaster

Okay. i begin a new job in about an hour and a half. Stress!!! The last time i had to begin a new full time job was fourteen years ago. 7/6/95 to be exact. It was the day i met my husband.

i am WAY stressed about the dogs while i am gone. i am used to being the only one who cares for them and, as much as i may find it to be an annoyance, i like it that way. i typed Master instructions that spilled over onto a fourth page and keep tweaking them. Stress!!!

i should have obeyed Master at one point and i didn't so He was going to get a whip. It was just a threat and would have been okay but i grabbed at His ankles and started playing and He fell and hurt His back. i hurt Him! And we don't have much in the way of painkillers! And He is completely out of cigarettes! Stress!!!

Then pink signed on again and He told me to IM her. she sent me a nasty NC. Among other things, it said that i'm a cutter and she's not because she's only cut twice in the past year. Well then she has cut twice as much as i have! i've gone as long as nearly three years between cutting and it shouldn't matter but it does. she KNOWS this is an area where she can hurt me. i've told her as much and blogged about it. So she did. Stress!!!

i had sent pink an NC which Master had read in advance and okayed for me to send. It was blunt but not mean or abusive. It even pointed out strengths of hers and her potential. i was being KM and had Master's permission. she accepted no responsibility for her conduct, just had a tantrum and ran away and Master is upset. Stress!!!

Friday is a big day for a couple of reasons and Master is having a grand opening of the new stables which sucks. He doesn't want to do it another day because He is trying to make sure everyone gets His time and i understand that. It's not as if i want to deal with the big day reasons but i don't want to be at a crowded sim on what is probably going to be my only weekday off for a long time. He said i don't have to be there but i will probably feel like crap if i don't help out. It's not as if i have anything better to do. i'm lonely. And right now being lonely especially hurts. Friday it will hurt more. Stress!!!

i have been crying nonstop the past few days for any reason or none at all. i am stressed to the point that my stomach is killing me and totally upset and i want to puke. i don't want to start this job. i don't want Master walking the dogs. i don't want Master's back to hurt -ESPECIALLY since it was my fault- and, since it does, i don't want Him to be without pain medication. i don't want Him to need cigarettes but, since He does, i don't want Him to be without any. i don't want pink to exist at the moment. And i don't want Friday to exist on the calendar at all.

There it is. my wish list. i hope it's not too much to ask.

One More Thing

i'd always thought that begging forgiveness was for Master's benefit, that He was owed an apology and that i was giving Him that to which He was entitled. While that may be true, i learned yesterday that it is closer to being entirely backwards than accurate. When i tried to beg forgiveness yesterday, Master wouldn't allow me to. He wouldn't hear it. He'd never refused to let me before but He did yesterday and it was horrible. i learned something from it though. Begging forgiveness is for ME. i always saw it as a means of humbling myself and admitting culpability and taking a step toward making things right. But i'd thought i was doing those things for Him. When He didn't allow me, i realized that i truly am entitled to nothing He doesn't grant, even the privilege of begging His forgiveness. i would have given anything if He'd just have heard my words. That new perspective profoundly changes the way i'm viewing things.

New Day, New Outlook

Yesterday was a VERY rough day. i definitely did more crying than laughing. But a lot of good came of it. i got out of my own head and into the real world more and it's already spilling over into today in positive ways. i spoke with v in a full conversation rather than just a three word exchange of information. i don't know why i don't speak with her more. i love her and am always glad after i do. i also made myself speak to Master about a lot of things that were on my mind rather than blogging about them. It's a challenge that pays off because i DO feel better when we interactively communicate. i was sure He was the one not accessible for talking but it turns out He's right there and ready when i actually stop typing and speak. It's kind of pathetic that that's a revelation to me.

This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.

The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.

i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...

forgetting my place AGAIN

and having an attitude AGAIN

and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level

i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.

But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.

A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.

i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.

i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?

If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.

Don't Know What to DO with myself

Was fine... or thought i was... upset with myself for screwing up but feeling like it would work out okay... eager to beg Master's forgiveness and deal with any punishment and hopefully just move forward... washed the dishes, took a shower... and now i just started thinking about my mother and burst into tears and feel as if she'll never speak to me again and i don't want to turn forty especially if she's not going to speak to me and i'm on borrowed time because Neal is dead anyhow and i don't want to wake Master, not that it's even POSSIBLE to wake Him, because He's mad at me too and because He's out of cigarettes until i bring Him home any later so i don't want Him to have to be awake without them any longer than necessary and the dogs have no food until i get home later and i feel guilty about all they don't have and i just want some kind of comfort but i don't know how to find any.

Jittery

i feel REALLY jittery, in one of those states where i wouldn't dare cut because i don't think i'd stop, where i'd feel no pain and get a rush from watching the blood drip down my body. i'm not suicidal right now. i just don't trust myself to stop cutting once i start because i won't want to stop.

This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.

i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.

But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.

Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.

But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.

This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:

"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."

Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:

"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."

A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.

The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:

He is Master. i am slave.

He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.

He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.