Trouble: Not The Best Remedy of Choice

i fell asleep on the filthy floor of my office in the new house last night with a corner of the dogs' bed as my pillow, since they were willing to share, my coat on, and a big black not-entirely-empty trash bag as my blanket.  This seemed preferable to finding a real pillow and blanket and joining j in bed.  Things are VERY tense here.  

It has sunk in that i am leaving him.  i made it sink in.  i had to.  He kept pushing me and the only alternative would have been to lead him on.  i wouldn't do that.  It hurts so much to know i'm hurting him though.  i want so badly to sooth him and offer comfort but the only way to do that would be to stay and i just can't.  

i wish i had it in me to survive living out the life i thought i'd chosen but i don't.  i just hope i can survive the escape from it.  June seems a long way off right now.  There is just slightly more time between now and going to Master than there is between having met Master and now.  If it feels as if i've known Him forever, then OMG how long is it going to feel like until i am with Him?

Sometime during the night, which i kind of sort of possibly vaguely recall a bit maybe, i must have wandered into bed with j.  i awoke there this morning, actually feeling comfortable and rested, until i grasped the source of what had woken me.  my father-in-law was on the phone with j and, at my proximity to j, i could hear both ends of the conversation.  my father-in-law referred to me as "the situation".  How endearing!  i can't blame him though.  Whatever he thinks of me is justified and, frankly, probably less harsh than what i think of myself.

So i went back to my office and got some work done.  i also realized that, in a stroke of brilliance, i had forgotten to take my medication last night.  So i took last night's medication this morning and figured i'll take it from there.  i eventually fell asleep with my dog bed and trash bag setup, probably due to the meds.  i guess j had been trying to call me but i had left my phone on vibrate and slept through it.  He was there and stressed and mad i hadn't been helping.  i guess he thinks i'd been asleep the entire time and not working at all.  He doesn't know i forgot the meds.  i didn't set the record straight though.  

When i'm super depressed, which i've pretty much concluded is now going to be my state indefinitely, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to speak at all.  i pretty much stay silent and grunt positives and negatives when they are absolutely needed.  Forming words is WAY too taxing and barely even possible.  Sometimes i just don't respond at all, in any way, for days on end.  It's been a while since i was that low but i'm pretty close now.

Anyway, j wanted me to drive my car back to the old house so it could be loaded with still more crap and brought to the new house.  The old George Carlin sketch about having too much stuff keeps coming to mind.  i suppose that will do, though i was hoping for those Care Bears to finally show up.

i had to drive to the old house and, on the way, one of the lenses popped out of my glasses.  This left me driving with one eye closed and nowhere to pull over for a bit.  That's always safe when you're all but blind with uncorrected vision, you're depressed into numb oblivion, and there's precipitation falling on wet slick roads.  On the bright side, i didn't much care.  If i died, it would have been ruled an accident and i'd have been off the hook.  No such luck.  i made it.

So i hid in the car like an idiot petrified of being spoken to, especially by my father-in-law.  He and j and the boys made trips from the old house carrying out our crap and loading it into the cars while i sat there and tried to will myself to actually move rather than just being an utterly useless waste of life and space.  It didn't work.  i couldn't get out of the car.  i despised myself for sitting there and knew it must have looked as if i was just watching them work and didn't care.  But i did care.  

Master has forbidden me to use a particular self-deprecatory term to define myself under threat of a rather unpleasant punishment.  Suffice it to say, i felt woefully unworthy of sharing the planet with these people and undeserving of my share of consumed oxygen.  i'd need to spend weeks building up my self-esteem to get to the point of merely loathing myself for not helping them.

At that point, sitting there and thinking these thoughts, Master tried to rescue me by telling me to use a visualization technique He's been having me develop.  i refused, flat out said i wouldn't do it.  i told Him i didn't deserve to and that He should leave me alone.  It was so impulsive and so the kind of thing i used to do all the time.  i haven't resorted to that in a long time though.

i recognized it but just didn't care.  Or maybe i did care and wanted to make Master angry because i was so afraid and i know if He snaps into hardcore Master mode that i feel safe.  But i know that mode i get into.  i typed out the disobedient and disrespectful texts as quickly as i could, forcing myself not to stop and process what i was doing, willing myself to continue and hit send before the rational side of me could intervene.  Even after i sent them and i knew there was no turning back, i still didn't feel anything but numb.  i should have been nervous.  i wasn't.

Necessity snapped the rational side of my brain back into functioning mode when e's blood sugar plummeted to 43 and i had to rush him to the convenience store to get him juice and a snack.  i texted Master that i would lose the attitude and do as He said.  When i got e back to the new house, i followed Master's order and texted Him begging forgiveness for my behavior.

He responded that i've earned a punishment to be decided at His discretion.  i know full well that is part of the punishment, the not knowing, the waiting to find out what it is and how it will be carried out.  i've given Him a dozen reasons to punish me in the last few days, not that He requires a reason, and He hasn't.  This one was a no-brainer.

Still, i think it's what i wanted.  i have no doubt that there will be unpleasantness coming my way and that i'll hate it.  But now i'm worrying about that and not everything else.  And, despite my fear of the punishment, i know it will have an end and that Master will not abandon me and will continue loving me on the other side of it.  It's still safe.  It's still not going to swallow me up and consume me like my other fears.

Trouble with Master is not the best remedy of choice but it is an effective one which i know quite well how to access.  i need to learn better strategies for His sake and my own.  i hate treating Him this way after His being beyond amazing to me every step of the way through this nightmarish holiday and weekend.  i need to learn how to cope without creating a victim of anyone, including myself.  

Coping Strategies

Despite my begging and pleading and arguing in any number of ways, Master flat out refuses to tolerate my cutting myself, even just this once, even superficially.  i wanted to cut SO badly earlier but it is subsiding a bit.  i wanted to tell Master that i hated Him for not letting me cut.  i wanted to tell Him how cruel He is to deny me the only respite i know from the pain i am in.  

He threatened to punish me for cutting by making me spend the first two days i am with Him in real life bound immobile, gagged, and blind-hooded.  i told Him He was bluffing.  He asked if He'd ever threatened a punishment and not followed through on it.  Um... no, never.  He asked if i wanted to gamble on the being the first time.  Again, a pretty clear answer... no.  

i wanted to threaten to not go to Him if i cut and He says i've earned the punishment.  How stupid is that?  It's a total no-win.  If He upholds the punishment, what do i do?  Not go?  Boy, that would show Him, my ruining everything for myself.  If He backs down from the punishment, not that i think there's a chance in hell that He would, i wouldn't respect Him and that would destroy everything.  

So i'm in emotional agony and freaking out and feeling things i want more than anything to suppress.  And i'm blaming Master for making me feel them.  i keep thinking of things i want to do to upset or irritate Him.  Like... i won't REALLY cut but i'll TELL Him i did.  Wow, there's a good plan!  i can get punished for NOT doing exactly what i want to but lying that i did.  Ingenious!  At one point He suggested, and i suspect this would be funny at another time, that i kick a tree.  To add insult to injury... no pun intended... He then added that i may not kick it with enough force to break any toes.  My first brilliant thought?  i'll show Him.  i'm GOING to break my toes kicking a tree.  i think i have not just ODD but ODSD... oppositional defiant stupidity disorder.  

But, aside from being utterly unyielding, Master has been amazingly loving today too.  He has been my sanity hotline all through the night and the day.  He has texted me over forty times since last night's "i suck!!!" blog and expressed His love and concern while i threw belligerence and sarcasm back in His face every step of the way.  i was a total bitch, didn't call Him Master, answered Him with "whatever" and "i don't care", begged forgiveness during a moment of lucidity at about 4am, and kept treating Him just as badly.  

i never feel as safe as when Master either reassures me or when He threatens me.  Today, He did a lot of both.  

Running Blind

i can't pack.  i can't.  i haven't put one thing in one box.  And we're moving today.  i just can't make myself do it.  i'm frozen.  And who cares anyway.  It's shit.  It'a ALL shit.  my whole life is shit!  It means nothing.  It's shit here.  It will be shit in the new house.  It will be shit when i leave it behind in June or bring it to Master.  At least there i won't have stuff of my own.  i can't handle it.  Everything i touch turns to shit.  i'm the anti-King Midas.  i can't take care of anything anyway without destroying it.  i don't deserve to have it.  Who the hell am i anyhow?  There are people with nothing.  Why do i have anything?

j's father-in-law and brother-in-law will be in and out of the house helping us move.  His father knows i'm leaving him.  i don't know whether his brother knows but his brother won't say anything anyhow.  His father and i are very much alike and can clash only i'm not allowed to clash with a free.  Only i don't feel slave right now.  i feel as if i'd have to climb out of this hole with a GIANT extension ladder to be elevated to slave from where i am.  

i am dirt.  Dirt doesn't need to defend itself to Free.  Dirt can be walked on.  But dirt can't drive away and never look back or pop pills or slit its wrists.  Meanwhile the fucking website about lethal overdose drug amounts no longer has all that information.  i checked.  i should have printed it out or written it down when it did.  Obviously dirt has no foresight either.

i don't know what i'm going to do with the dogs today.  The new house isn't set up for them and there's nowhere to secure them in the old one.  Maybe i'll just hang with them in my car and pretend to be home less.  i may as well be for all i appreciate what i have.  

Internet will nor be set up at the new house until tomorrow so i'm staying here tonight anyhow.  i don't care if the house is empty and dusty and filthy and i sleep on the floor.  j and i slept on the floor for a while when we had no bed.  There are memories here.  Most of them suck.  Of course they do.  They are mine.  i suck and everything of mine turns to shit.  But a kajira owns nothing if that's even what i am so Master can have my fucking memories.

i'm driving Master crazy.  i'm driving rau crazy.  i'm totally ignoring everyone else.  There's no where to hide out because this damn house has no rooms!  i am so totally freaked out right now.  i feel as if the events of the day are just going to swallow me up and eat me alive, literally.

Death and Other Things on my Holiday List

Today has sucked, every second of it.  A big part of the reason is my belief that i deserve it to suck.  Why shouldn't it suck?  i suck!!!  

i despise myself so much, everything about me.  i am so close to suicide right now that it it frightening me because usually i just toy with the idea but, at this moment, i am fully capable of it.  i have written out the suicide note in my head over and over all day.  i suck!!!

i'm about to hurt everyone anyway so why stick around to watch the train wreck?  Why not just hurt them with my death and spare myself the identification of the bodies?  i am taking so many things that so many people would kill for and throwing them away.  Why?  Because i'm too much of a freak to want the things that should make me happy.  i suck!!!

And a change in geography is never going to change how much i suck or how much i hurt people.  i suck!!!

i know so many people who are unemployed or underemployed in this crappy economy and i'm about to leave a very secure job with good pay where i've been for fourteen years and... here's the kicker... i even LIKE the job.  i suck!!!

i know tons of people who have lost houses to foreclosures, are in danger of losing them, or can't afford one in the first place.  i just managed to actually buy one and am about to leave it and probably lose whatever investments went into it to.  i suck!!!

Most of the people i know would give anything for a faithful, devoted, industrious, loving spouse.  j is the nicest guy in the world.  He couldn't possibly love me any more than he does.  He does more than any husband should ever need to do, puts up with more than any human being should need to endure, and has seen my through the depths of hell without wavering from my side for a second.  my response?  i'm about to walk out on him and twelve years of marriage.  i suck!!!

i could go on and on with more things i should feel grateful to have but only feel burdened with or like a freak for leaving.

i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!  i suck!!!

The thing is, being the total freak that i am, i will never be happy with any of the things i'm about to leave.  i should be.  Normal people are.  But i just suck too much to count what i should see as blessings and appreciate them and stop thinking that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow instead of some rainbow-generating holographic machine.  i suck!!!

i don't want to stay where i am.  It's not even a matter on not wanting to.  i can't stay here.  It's not an option.  It is killing me.  It has been for years.  It will kill me soon if i don't jump in and end it one way or another.  i suck!!!

But maybe it's not this situation which is killing me.  Maybe it's life in general.  i've always been a freak.  i've always been a square peg.  So why would leaving make me feel any better?  Since when am i a fucking optimist anyhow?  If life is going to suck anyhow, why don't i just leave it entirely.  A change of address card isn't going to be a panacea.  Not for me.  i suck!!!

Technology

Technology giveth and technology taketh away.  Remember, if you can, back to that time when phone numbers were things we actually memorized?  It is one of my deep dark secrets that i carry with me to this very day a address book in my purse which holds those numbers which i (pause for effect) do not have stored in my Blackberry.  (insert audible gasp here) i know.  It's outrageous.  Probably just one more sign of mental illness.  i can almost envision those Care Bears now!

And telephones, oh so long ago, were devices with cords so they didn't need charging.  If one forgot to put the receiver on its base a loud and annoying tone would sound repeatedly followed by an equally loud and annoying recorded message which, in essence, directed the listener to hang up the phone with a thinly veiled chiding for not already having done so.  Before my time, i'm sure Ma Bell had her own twist on things.

And people?  Those beings who we need not see face to face anymore thanks to the internet on which i live.  They had actual NAMES and they knew one another's.  What you called someone was actually what it said on their driver's license or birth certificate.  Imagine that!  i know tons of onliners whose real names are entirely foreign to me.  Some i know by so many different names that i couldn't pick out the real one among them if i tried.  Okay, so it's probably not BunsOfSteel57 but some are a lot closer to believable.

my tirade here does actually have a purpose.  i haven't heard from Master since about 10:25 last night at which time He was in the hospital with two blood clots in His leg and worried about the doctor's mention that they could be fatal if they travelled to His lungs or brain.  So, while i was being all positive and supportive to Master, i was freaking out and snapping at rau.  None of which, of course, involved my actually speaking.  my communication with Master was via text and with rau via instant messages.  

At first thought, the situation seems bleak.  No contact from Master?  A potentially fatal prognosis?  Yikes!  And don't think i'm not worried!  i'd give anything to hear from Him just now.  Only...

He almost certainly has NO idea what my phone number is, His cell phone probably ran out of charge and/or pre-paid minutes, and He has no clue what my full name is.  Information isn't going to look up "nou", even for Him.  

i am slave to Master just as i am to internet access and cell phone use.  i just didn't realize quite how interconnected they all were!

So, Master, i HOPE you are comfortably resting in the hospital with no clue how to get in touch with anyone due to the marvels of technology.  i'm sure that's very frustrating for you but i can't bear to imagine the alternative.

Epiphany for this blog entry:  Despite managing to avoid the phrase "in my day", DAMN i sound old!

Don't Know

Don't know what i'm thinking.  Don't know what i'm feeling.  Frankly, i don't know which way is up right now.  Sounds like the perfect time to blog.  So, blog muse, overtake me!

Shit.

Nothing.

i'm feeling really isolated right now, not the kind of isolated where i'm hiding out and the rest of the world is circling like vultures.  With that kind of isolated i usually know everyone is trying to help but i just can't cope with them yet.  i need time and space to regroup before facing them.  

This is different.  i just feel detached.  i feel as if everyone is speaking some new version of English which i can vaguely follow but whose subtleties i can't quite grasp.  Maybe there's a twinge of paranoia.  i don't know.

Toward every one of the major players in my life i am feeling some source of stress.  From experience, i know that almost inevitably means the issues lie with me and not them.  The entire world doesn't spin off its axis at once while i tsk-tsk them and wallow in whatever passes for normalcy at the moment.

Okay, so it's emanating from me.  Now what?  i guess that begs the question of how much of it is chemical and how much is situational.  If it's chemical i am pretty much relegated to riding it out and trying to do damage control by reminding myself that feelings aren't facts.  No, nou, you do NOT have to attack the nice people who are doing all these evil things which only seem evil to you since you're fucked up at the moment.  Only what if they are being mean?  What if i would think they were even if i was okay right now?  Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, right?  Yeah, just a TWINGE of paranoia.  Right!

i really do find it to be a cruel irony than i'm sane enough to know i'm crazy yet too crazy to do much about it at times like this.  Sometimes i truly envy those who just happily talk to invisible Care Bears and spend their days blissfully oblivious to all else.  Not very product but so what? It's not as if they realize that.  Who knows?  Maybe that's my future.  Things to do list addendum:  Learn the names of the Care Bears in case any start showing up.

Well, no epiphanies, no conclusions to draw, no pep talk to self.  Things to do list addendum 2:  Fire blog muse.

Processing

A LOT transpired yesterday and, although i'm totally fine with it, it seems that some others aren't.  Far be it for me to answer to anyone other than Master, but blogging always seems to help me anyhow so why not?  Besides, i can't possibly sleep until i know that rau is safe.  i was literally trembling with worry for her earlier, calmed myself down, and am now starting to feel increasingly anxious again.  None of the usual nonsense seems to be distracting me so maybe this will help.  Incidentally, once i do find out that rau is all right (PLEASE God!!!), i'm going to kill her myself!  

As for yesterday, my day began with my not going to work because of anxiety and depression and a variety of emotional baggage.  The details aren't as important as the fact that my state of mind wasn't ideal.  An early encounter with Master online left me informed that not only had cass left but that v had also left and that Master's rl brother was in a serious car accident and it wasn't known if he'd survive.  So Master and i were simultaneously a mess.  When the fates are kind, those close to one another have their crises staggered so that one person is in optimal shape to help the other at any given time.  No such luck yesterday.

So, Master said some obnoxious things and i just let them slide.  First of all, He can say whatever He wishes.  He is Master and it is His prerogative to be obnoxious if He wishes.  It's not my right and yet i do it often enough so i'm certainly not going to begrudge Him the chance to be ornery.  Before i knew Him well, Master's extreme moods of grief or anger frightened me far more than they do today.  Today i know the patterns they follow, how He cycles through them, and that they are finite.  What Master says and does when He is in such a state isn't a true reflection upon his reasoned thinking.  It's raw emotion talking.  i recognize this, in part, because the same might be said for how i get.

Master went on to make an allusion to harming Himself.  He and i DO have a lot in common!  i played along with it.  i started asking perfectly calmly Him about how we'd know and when to inform people of His demise.  i just wasn't in a state of mind where i could be vulnerable and soft.  Hardass was the only way to go.  Master signed off.  i texted Him.  The text i sent, though intended to help Him, was absolutely vicious.  It was sarcastic and about His death and even mentioned His children by name.  i brought hardass to a new level.  It worked.  Master responded that i was not to text Him UNTIL He came online.  He didn't say UNLESS.  He said UNTIL.  Still, it was a hollow victory.  i immediately passed the baton by texting rau, knowing innately that she'd play good cop to my bad cop.  she and i are an amazing team.

Eventually Master texted me back several times.  One of His texts granted me the unrequested privilege of "chewing His ass".  Gotta love that expression.  In New York, it would, at the very least, be "chewing His ass OUT".  Clearly that wording is much more refined!  So, being the loving and dutiful slave that i am, one might expect me to have simply been grateful He was feeling better and left it at that.  Hell, no!  i texted Him that i hadn't wanted to chew His ass, merely to drag His head out of it.  i also called Him a big jerk and mentioned preferring His big jerkdom to the times i find Him psychotic.  

Master tolerates a great deal in terms of the way i speak to Him at times and, while i am unarguably always slave, there are times i'm also the kick in the ass He seems to need.  Whatever it is that He and i share is definitely atypical for a Master and slave.  He is Master and He sets the rules and limits but He also adjusts the parameters when it works for Him and us.  Most slaves probably wouldn't ever dare speak to their Masters as i sometimes do Him.  Most Masters probably are too insecure or self-important to ever tolerate it.  i guess i see it as our being friends in addition to Master and slave.  i fear Him.  i would NEVER speak to Him like that under most circumstances.  He would NEVER put up with it and rightly so.  It's not as if i'm advocating it.  It's just how things sometimes unfold between us when life gets extreme.

Anyhow, the day continued and He told me later on online that v wanted to be Free while she thought about things.  He asked me to speak with her.  i did.  i told her that she was hurting Him and should make a decision, that she was being selfish in not doing so, and that she was putting Him in a position which made it impossible for her to respect Him anyhow.  i didn't tell her what to do.  i didn't push her in a direction.  i entered the conversation with the motive of sparing Master additional hurt.  That's all.  i reminded her that He is in love with her and wants her back and that i love her too.  i felt like it was all i could do.  

v left Master entirely, following that conversation, and He blamed me.  He wasn't nice about it.  i was hurt by some of what He said.  Despite being upset and all Master had said, i never once felt as if my collar was truly in jeopardy.  Master had threatened it and He meant it.  He might have even taken it at that moment.  But i somehow didn't truly fear for it.  When He threatened it, i replied "Do as you wish, my Master".  No matter what He said i simply stated that i had done nothing wrong and would bear the brunt of His anger if He wished it.  i don't know where that calm came from.  i guess it was just another manifestation of the same emotional sparring which had happened earlier between us.  i've seen Master under similarly stressful conditions before.  The last time i dealt with Him, He was practically a stranger to me.. At least this time, i knew who i was dealing with and loved Him all the more.  i texted rau a long message to vent my feelings.  

About an hour and a half later, Master texted me with an apology.  my response, to say the least, was not filled with warm fuzzies.  It mentioned my own temptations to remove my collar following that last conversation.  i was still upset and mad.  i also forwarded Him the text i had sent to rau.  He texted me back with another apology that actually hurt my heart to read because i know what it took for Him to express Himself as He did.  i thought of all the MANY times i had screwed up and spoken to Him at least as rudely as He had earlier to me, He the Master and me the slave.  Of course i accepted His apology.  How many times had He accepted mine for similar wrongs on the part of His own kajira?  

The night continued with Master getting drunk and proceeding to telephone me in various states of inebriation to discuss a variety of things from what i mean to Him to His looking forward to my sucking His dick.  It was quite an interesting series of conversations!  i expressed some more feeling which needed voicing and He... well... He spoke at length, often redundantly, but from the heart.  By the end of the night, i felt drained from the course of the day but fine regarding how things stood with Master.  Had that squabble been with any ordinary friend and not Master, i could have reasonably expected no more in the way apologies or setting things right.  That it was Master Himself who showed me such regard in making up is a credit to Him.  He has the luxury of always being right simply by virtue of being Master yet He treated me with love and respect beyond what a slave might anticipate.

Today was a new day and last night, in my mind, was over.  i was glad to see that Master seemed to be feeling more even-tempered and i napped a lot, missing work again due to yesterday's struggles into the early morning.  Apparently my being fine with things didn't set the minds at ease of those with whom Master had shared His anger at me and thoughts of uncollaring me.  i fielded a question from someone who was sure my collar was in jeopardy or gone.  i found myself inexplicably defending Master to someone who couldn't possibly have known the bulk of what has transpired throughout my history with Him.  

That others think i need protection or don't hold my own when it comes to Master truly baffles me.  It may not always be appropriately done, but i do always make my thoughts and opinions known to Him.  i am His absolutely.  i am but to obey.  He has every right to punish me for disobedience or insubordination and He does.  But i am not a quivering or mindless little slave who lacks a backbone or a will of her own.  i'd need a lobotomy to achieve that.  Master doesn't expect it or even desire it of me.  He knows me every bit as well as i know Him.  He puts up with me because i am His just as i put up with Him because He is my Master.  

No intense relationship could possibly be devoid of turmoil.  It's not human nature... well human/beast nature.  My conclusion, and what has ultimately surfaced to me as the epiphany of this blog entry, is that those who doubt that simply lack the maturity and/or life experience to know differently.  They mean well.  Their concern is out of love.  i love them too.  i can shelve an animosity i might have been feeling and just chalk it up to being fortunate enough to have people in my life today who care about me.

Oh, rau is fine and had just fallen asleep with her son.  i'd have killed her, as intended, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it.  i love her SO much!

Some Things Never Change... Others Do

One is that i hate how i feel when Master is displeased with me.  It turns my whole world upside down every time.  Another is that when i think i'm right... well, i think i'm right.  A third constant is that when i'm upset i isolate.  Even rau's attempts to talk to me did nothing to breach that wall i put up.

But some things do seem to be changing, and definitely for the better.  Master isn't happy with me and that definitely sucks.  There's no doubt about that.  But Master's displeasure doesn't catapult me into a state of frenzied desperation.  i used to get so disproportionately fearful that He would uncollar me or even punish me in some horrendous way that it would lead me to launch a proactive counter strike, if only in my head.  i would think to myself that i didn't care or that i hated Him, protecting myself just in case the worst was to come.  Initially, i would even mention leaving Him.  Today, it's different.  i know He's going to talk more about what He didn't like and it's not going to be a fun conversation.  Maybe He'll punish me and that is never pleasant.  But i also feel secure enough to know that it will be okay.  He won't stop loving me and He won't turn me away.  It doesn't make Master's displeasure any less distressing but it does make it tolerable enough that i don't need to go off the deep end in an attempt to cope.  i can deal with it more appropriately and productively.

As for being right... i still believe i am.  What is different now is that i don't have to be.  There is no victory in being right and alone anymore.  It was a challenge for me to get used to the fact that Master is right simply by virtue of being Master and that i simply have to deal with that sometimes.  When i first learned to deal with it, i hated it!  But now it's a lot more comfortable and it doesn't grate against me so much.  i guess that's submission.  Master lets me be heard  nearly always and at least affirms my point of view nearly as often.  On those occasions when He doesn't, i'm wrong because He says i am and that's all there is to it.  It's not fun, as if i was guaranteed that,  but it's no longer agonizing either.

In terms of my tendency to isolate when i am upset, that continues to be a trait of mine consistency.  Nevertheless, i don't do it so angrily anymore.  i wasn't angry at rau's contacts as i once would have been but appreciative of her loving concern.  i don't go off on my own and think hateful thoughts.  i just use the time to regroup and then move on.  i played Lemonade Stand, am blogging now, and will beg Master's forgiveness when this entry is complete.  my time alone was neither self-indulgent nor unproductive.  i calmed down, reflected upon it, and will continue on in whatever way Master wishes.  

It truly is the path and not the destination.

Gratitude... Lest This Become Strictly Whinyblog

With Thanksgiving coming up i guess the subject of being grateful is on my mind.  i was lying in bed unable to still my head enough to fall back to sleep when the idea of it came to mind.  rau had described herself as grateful earlier so maybe that put the concept in my thoughts.  Or maybe it's the billions of hand drawn turkeys that one of my students with OCD has plastered over every free inch of space in my classroom.  In any case, i'm not appreciative enough of what i have and certainly not demonstratively so.  There are people i never told of my gratitude and whom i will never get to tell in this lifetime and people i'll need to tell outside this blog because, while i love them, they just aren't ones to whom i feel safe enough to expose the real me.  So to those who actually know who i am, that evolving and confused and bitchy and insane and sarcastic and well-meaning and needy being, here goes:

i am grateful to Master for seeing in me what i have never seen in myself and often still don't.  He has redefined everything i ever thought Master meant and i love Him so much that i ache with it.  i thought a Master was always strong and He is... but i am grateful that He is strong enough to allow me to see His moments of weakness and know that He is never diminished by having them.  i thought a Master was always in control... but i am grateful that He is controlled enough to to allow me to know when His tears fall and when He needs to step back, literally, to recompose Himself.  i thought a Master was always right and He is... but i am grateful that He also knows when it is right to admit His mistakes.  By being all the things i believed a Master was and, still more so, all the ones i was sure a Master wasn't, Master's example of perseverance and optimism toward people have led me to endure what i never thought i could and to let more people close to me than ever before.  i couldn't possibly say this enough.  Thank you, my Master.  i love you.

i am grateful to rau for being the best surprise in a sister i've ever had.  she came at a time when i thought things were good and couldn't get much better in terms of my plans to be with Master.  her tenacity in putting up with me and accepting me as i am is miraculous to me.  i am so grateful to feel as if i can't fail in her eyes and that makes me want even more to succeed.  i love how she sees me and sometimes even get a glimpse of myself through her eyes.  i want to live up to all she thinks i am and give back to her all the joy she brings to me.  i love the body that she so wishes was different.  i love her voice and all its different nuances.  i love her brilliance and range of knowledge.  i love her strength and her vulnerability.  Aside from her current location, i am thankful for every single thing about her.  Thank you, rau, for taking a life to which i was starting to look forward and transforming it into one that i am as eager to embrace as a small child is on Christmas morning to open her gifts.  i love you.

i am grateful to v for being someone who can make Master happy without feeling a need to flaunt or prove her place.  she brings Him love and accepts His love at a depth that never fails to impress me.  she accepts me and lets me be who i am, never imposing judgments or limits simply because she can.  she has shown me that space does not have to mean distance.  i can go days without speaking with her then connect with her as if we'd been just giggling together all day or exchanging our innermost fears for hours.  i admire v for handling the role of FG in ways i never could and doing so in such a gracious manner that i never once felt slighted by her.  That she and i have never had a conflict is a testament to her maturity and ability to lead.  Thank you, v, for doing the near impossible in gaining my trust and devotion not only for myself but as someone i trust absolutely with Master's heart as well.  i love you.

i am grateful to kalli for reflecting myself back to me at times i really need to see it.  she and i had a hard time reconnecting but i've gained patience, insight, and empathy in my dealings with her.  Any time i might be inclined to be critical of kalli, i have only to look back at myself in order to put things into perspective.  she dealt with an unexpected and unwanted move as well as doing without internet access for months.  i'd have gone off the deep end.  she managed without needed medication until very recently.  i'm a basket case without mine and often even with it.  Sometimes i have an abundance of thoughts on what kalli should do differently when it comes to serving her Master and ours.  Then i realize that she, unlike me at this point, is slave real life and 24/7.  she is living what, for now, i only dream of.  i respect her greatly for that.  Thank you, kalli, for being a reminder of where i've been and where i'm trying to go.  i love you.

i am grateful to kate for just appearing one day and instantly becoming an extension of myself.  i have felt connected to her from the moment we first chatted.  It was as if i had known her forever from that initial conversation.  i admire her willingness to dive right in and live her life.  i never fail to be impressed by her ability to listen and chat but withhold her opinion unless it is solicited.  Getting to know kate more fully is like gaining insight into myself.  she is brilliant yet goofy.  Self-aware yet totally oblivious to her appeal as a mate.  Dealing with kate is like dealing with another incarnation of myself, only one i like far better than the original.  i get some vicarious pleasure from kate's endeavors and hope our real life paths will cross again.  Thank you, kate, for knowing who you are and simply being her.  i love you.

i am grateful to Raptor for being a teddy bear in a porcupine package.  For all of his outward gruffness, he has been so good to me both to my face and behind the scenes.  i connect with him in some ways that i do with no one else and there are subjects i go to him alone to discuss.  i marvel at the tenacity with which he seeks to protect me and the indignation with which he feels affronted when he believes i've been mistreated.  There are things he knows about me without ever having been told and things i know similarly about him.  we are linked somehow and bound by that realization.  Raptor is family without being technically related and one of the few people in whose presence i always feel safe.  As with Master, he might not always treat me as i WISH to be treated but he does always treat me as i NEED to be treated.  Thank you, Raptor, for being so very many things to me... from your hard candy shell to your smooth chocolate center.  i love you.

i am grateful to Pete for being a friend who cares enough about me to want only the very best.  He is the one who helped me begin my journey to finding out who i really am so many years ago.  He was the first to glimpse the person i am learning i am, the first to help me identify and define her, and the first to help me see her as worthy of nurturing.  His intellect never fails to impress me with a range of words in his vocabulary that puts mine to shame and challenges me to learn.  Of all my online friends, i have known Pete the longest and he has helped me endure countless crises which i can only recount to others today as memories.  He has put up with many different versions of me in varying states of mental health and medication adjustment.  Thank you, Pete, for your unique insights and extraordinary conversations.  i love you.

i am grateful to Joni for being the only person i know as part of my daily real life who actually knows who i actually am.  she doesn't understand my desires and doesn't pretend to, yet she manages to never judge me.  The world in which i spend my online time is a total mystery to her yet she accepts it absolutely, with a fervent curiosity that is entirely devoid of condemnation.  Though she grasps my true nature and yearnings least of all those on my gratitude list, she understands my real life best.  She knows my strengths and shortcomings firsthand and tolerates whichever surface at any given moment.  Through her own significant hardships and depression, she has remained a giving and devoted friend at all times, never losing patience with me nor downplaying my feelings despite how foreign their origins are to her.  Thank you, Joni, for being all things in a friend as well as an exceptional co-worker.  i love you.

Last year at this time, the list of people for whom i am truly and deeply grateful would have included none of those i thanked above except for Pete.  What an extraordinary year this has been!  It just keeps getting better as i finally walk the path i was intended to walk.  Those in my life and in my heart keep increasing in number and, miraculously, i am beginning to not only allow them to get close but to actually want them there.  i am so grateful for this network of people with whom i feel safe.  It's the first time in my life i've ever had one and i truly don't take it for granted.  Thank you to all of you for being in my life.  i love each of you dearly.

i Hate my rl and i WANT Out

i can deal with anything, it feels like, other than my own life.  i know the grass is always greener and that my own life will always pose overwhelming challenges but the prospect of living with violent teenagers for even one more day, for even the rest of today, is just beyond what i can cope with any longer.  i can't be cursed out and attacked and abused by someone who calls me his mother.  i can't watch those around me either impotent to put a stop to it or subjected to the same mistreatment.  i can't sit with a phone in my hand, pretending to myself that it is to catch incoming texts, when it's actually to dial 911 at a second's notice before it can be ripped from my hand.  

 

For all the insanity slavery brings, it is blissfully defined and structured, and predictable for the most part.  i want it so badly and i want it now.  i want not to be afraid, not to wonder when i'll need to be afraid again.  i want not to be awakened by screaming or cursed at or threatened.  i want to live with adults.  i want to be understood and accepted for who i actually am not the persona i've tried to create for the allegedly normal world.

i want to walk out of my life and never look back and step into a new one and just start fresh.  i can't cope here and don't want to and won't.  

kalli Comparisons

Okay, last night sucked for several reasons.  Interestingly, i keep using kalli analogies in my head sorting through everything that happened and trying to make sense of it.  

To explain in order, i got emotional when i saw the watch that j's grandmother had given me sitting on top of his file cabinet.  my first thought was that it didn't belong there and should be with my things where it belonged.  yes, i know a kajira owns nothing but this one has possession of any number of things at the moment since she is not yet kajira as far as those around her know.  In any case, it had been pillaged by either the kids or the dogs and j had found it and put it on top of the file cabinet for safety.

Then it hit me.  That watch is a part of j's family, a precious memory of his departed grandfather with its sentimentally engraved backing and gold content representing a great deal to the meager means of the man who once presented it to his beloved.  His beloved, now 94 and frail, entrusted it to me many years ago.  The engagement ring i once wore, in a safe along with the wedding ring, belonged to her mother who lived to 101.  Or was it her grandmother?  i never met her but, from what i have seen of j's grandmother and heard of his great-grandmother, their mouths both rivaled mine.  

Suddenly i started thinking about the fact that i'll need to return these to j before i go.  They are family heirlooms and need to remain in his family.  And that hurt somehow.  a LOT.  Unexpectedly.  It is not the money they might be worth or the relinquishment of possessions.  i am not the least bit dollar-driven or materialistic.  

i guess being entrusted with items of such value to his family meant more to me than i had realized.  Maybe being given items of such great sentimental value made me feel as if i had value.  Relinquishing them makes me feel as if i have failed them.  i am unworthy of such treasures.

That thought was on my mind throughout the rest of the night.  J and i stopped at the house to pick up the mail and i had such mixed feelings.  It looks great.  Like a place i'd love to live.  The tiles i picked are in and it feels like my own.  A house with the wrong people in it will never make me happy but in some ways i do ache to enjoy this home fully.

j and i went to dinner and two bookstores and all of these ideas weighed heavily on my mind throughout our time together.  i was in and out of tears but never said a word to j about why.  Every calendar and book and trinket in the bookstore seemed to have some quote on it that spoke to me, yet they all pulled me in different directions.  i felt more and more confused.

Then i returned home and signed online.  i felt overwhelmed almost from the start but being alone in my cage was okay.  i feel safe in there.  It's kind of a way to hide in plain sight that really works.  i am helping and among others but still isolated just enough that i usually feel at ease there.  Even vibrator and cum chat didn't send me over the edge.

Then Master TPed us up to where He is building.  i didn't want to go but also didn't want to ask Him if i could stay back.  He would have asked why and i didn't want to talk about how i was feeling.  At the time, had it so shoved down in my mind, that i'm not sure i even knew.  i didn't want Him to get mad at me for wanting to be on my own either.

So i went up and just started to feel worse and worse until i knew a panic attack was imminent.  By the time i finally asked to go to my spot, i was already crying and shaking.  Master told me to wait.  i waited.  It got worse.  i asked again and Master agreed that i could go.

i had just started to catch my breath because i wasn't really breathing and i could feel the strain starting.  i was beginning to feel a bit better, a bit safer, blissfully alone!  v and rau kept talking to me and it was VERY hard to try to let my mind relax which was why i had gone there in the first place.  i was SO grateful to kalli for just ignoring me, hence kalli comparison number one.

i couldn't stop feeling overwhelmed when Yahoo and SL IMs wouldn't stop coming in.  i wished everyone would just leave me alone!  They were being nice and expressing concern but i needed space.  i go to my spot for space!  If they bother me when i'm there then i have no escape and can't feel any better.  

My distress was physical by that point with me trembling and crying and grasping for breath.  Master told me to TP Him there.  i did, of course.  It was in that state He found me only He had no idea of anything that had happened to put me in it.  i couldn't tell Him.  i really didn't even know myself at that point.

Master was so sweet.  He rezzed places to cuddle and a fire and made it look so nice, a palm tree's fronds swaying above our heads.  He held me and i just cried harder and harder.  As much as i needed Him was as much as i couldn't let myself just relax and be with Him.  He tried to reason with me.  He tried to cajole me.  i was hopelessly lost on my own head.

That led to kalli comparison number two.  From what kalli has been sharing in her blog, she would give anything to have Master just drop everything and leave everyone behind and spend time alone with her.  Yet i could not just give myself over to Him at that moment.  i couldn't stop crying.  

All i could think was that He had thought my asking to go there was a ploy for attention and i kept trying to tell Him it was not.  He wanted me to accept that He loves and needs me.  i couldn't.  Nor could i manage to just say "yes, my Master" and shut my mouth.  So He got frustrated and left, first the spot, then SL, then Yahoo too.  He went to bed.

i said something obnoxious on Yahoo before He left but at least had the sense to beg forgiveness right away.  Master IMed me a quote about not wanting an apology that wasn't backed up by change.  It was a quote from me that He had apparently hung on to.  At that point it was sheer damage control.  i just needed to shut up and cut my losses.

v was idle so i IMed her requests to kennel and finally just left with no answer forthcoming.  

i couldn't have written this blog last night, not only due to exhaustion, but because i lacked the ability to take even the tiniest step back then and just BE.  So that is my goal for change.  NOt to reorganize nearly forty years of warped thinking but just to let myself relax and enjoy what Master is giving me.  i hope i have another opportunity to do so.