Sunday, December 28, 2008

Murphy's Law

Okay, just when it seemed as if things couldn't possibly get any worse, they did. i went to SL to see if i could get back to feeling a little more settled and wound up getting hugged and getting a gift (both of which would be good things if i was actually normal) and getting scolded for something that was totally unintentional and getting called an asshole and all the good i've been feeling lately is gone and i feel like crap and it feels like i can work for weeks to make a gain but destroy that same gain in a split second and my mouse isn't working right and i need to start my car and i know i'm whining and that i should just cut my losses and go to bed but i want to feel better before i go to bed and i guess i'm just not going to get what i want this time. Ugh!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Better

i thought i was doing better. i KNOW i've been feeling better, so much more content and calm. But i haven't been doing better. There just haven't been any people to butt heads with. It's not hard to do well when there's no one to have a conflict with. i pretty much only respond to Alex when i must. i'm in the same boat with her as with v i think. i don't know. When i get like this i know see things in a totally skewed way. And now i feel as i always do at these times, physically sick. my stomach is in knots and i want to cry even more than i already did but Master told me to stop so it will have to wait. This is even less coherent than the last entry so i guess i'll just stop now. What's the point?

From Point A to Point B

i don't know how much i can write of my feelings in the next 29 minutes but at least while i'm writing i'm not digging my hole any deeper as far as making Master frustrated and otherwise displeased with me. The issue that's happening now is the same issue that is happening with v currently and a recurring issue for me. i guess it's time to deal with this one before i get my ass kicked by Master and, worse, feel like total crap for having disappointed Him... a state i'm well on my way toward reaching already.

When things are a certain way with people, i don't know how to move from where they are to where they should be, even if it's where i want them to be. It's like i was absent the day they taught that social skill or my DNA didn't come equipped with the codes to know that intuitively. It has been the case my whole life. If things are tense, how do you get them back to being okay. It sounds stupid, as if it should be obvious. It should be and, to most people, i think it is. But it totally eludes me. i think that's why i have so many people in my past with whom a rift, any rift, has meant the dissolution of all ties. i don't know how to come back from it. i never learned how and it's not the kind of thing anyone teaches you.

i have wanted to obey Master all night and i don't know how. i have wanted to ease the tension between v and me and i don't know how. i don't have a thing in the world against lana and Master wants me to get along with her and i don't know how to do that either. i don't regard people/kajirae in the same way most others do. i don't have this general feeling of caring for all of humanity or for what they think of me either. i know i should feel bad that lana thinks i hate her but i don't. So what if she thinks that? It bothers me only because it upsets Master and i hate that i'm upsetting HIm. But then i just get bogged down in why i'm so screwed up that i can't even feel the things other people do or make myself go through the motions just because i'm devoid of the feelings.

i feel stuck. Literally paralyzed. i can't respond the way i'm supposed to and i know i'd better not mouth off so i try to just shut up and wait it out. i guess i always think that i will get unstuck or the situation will change in a way that either ends the need for me to have this interaction or unfolds in a way that shows me how to do it. Sometimes that even works out. This time it didn't, not at ALL.

i feel as if there are things i need to say that i can't because Master won't allow me to and will punish me if i do but then i feel as if i can't say the nicer things if i haven't explained myself about other things. i don't know. This blog is a bunch of disjointed rambling but how else could it be when i'm checking the time even ten seconds to make sure i don't take more than thirty minutes?

What would i say? i'd tell lana AGAIN that i don't care about her fucking interactions with me. i don't need her apology or want it. i don't care if she's attempting to do right by me. i don't care about what she thinks of me. i hate being the focus like that. It throws me completely. i don't know what to do with it. From a preliminary look, she has the traits that would make a good kajira for Master. If it would just be about THAT and not about me then everything would be fine.

Instead, i don't know what Master wants from me even though it should be blatantly obvious what He wants and the more i try to stay quiet or extricate myself, the more He draws me into everything. Just having this time to decompress helps tremendously and so does writing. i can breathe again. i couldn't before. i felt absolutely smothered, suffocated, and i don't even know why.

i tried to be proactive and leave or blog and it took some convincing but Master finally allowed me this time which, i suspect, has made all the difference in the world. i NEED to get away sometimes. It's not a copout or hiding all the time. Sometimes it's a legitimate need to regroup and sort my thoughts and regain the ability to serve Master as He wishes and deserves. This was one such time.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Bumpy Ride

Today has been an emotional roller coaster... in a car with no safety bar... that derailed off the track... while the ride was closed for repairs. i would give anything to cut myself right now. Anything. i'm toying with doing it despite the punishment. That is then and this is now. i need respite NOW. my eyes are swollen from crying. my whole body feels as if it was beaten from crying so hard and for so long.

i have felt very anxious this past week or so and have been avoiding blogging which should have been my cue that i needed to blog. i feel like absolutely everyone is mad at me at some level and the biggest reason for my stress is that i want to make them all happy and and have them be happy with me but i don't know how to do that. It's as if i am being pulled in too many different directions, some of which i don't even understand fully, and at some point they all become a blur and i stop being able to distinguish one from another.

On SL, i have an avi that is essentially me and one who is composed of the edgier aspects of myself. nou is me. she is kajira, she knows that, loves that, and wants nothing more than that. she has her moments but she's basically a good girl, at least as per her intentions. too is less obedient but also less critical. she does things which SEEM like more fun than nou. Master even said the other day that that too has more fun.

The thing is, she doesn't. she doesn't feel nearly as safe or as comfortable out in the world as nou does on gor. too doesn't understand everyone or their expectations and she never quite knows where the limits are. she feels entirely inadequate to venture in and out of so many different societal genres with any kind of ease. It's not that she's scared of falling victim to others. she can take care of herself. What she fears is victimizing others and not even realizing she's doing it. This has happened several times this weekend and has caused the renewed round of tears. too has hurt Master and rau and Raptor in her social ineptitude. i want to delete her but Master forbade it.

i'll start with Master because everything begins and ends with Him. First of all, i think He's worried that i won't go to Him. Nothing could be further from true. In 193 days, i WILL be there and sooner if i don't survive the hellish wait here. A million different things will be VERY hard when i am finally with Master but the things that are stressing me right now will actually be easier. i don't think i'll feel as unfocused and pulled in so many different directions. The bottom line will be the real Master and the real me and it will be impossible to lose sight of that. It will not be easy, far from it, but it will be simple. i can't wait.

But for now it's not as easily delineated as that. Master is back on SL and He has an alt who has different expectations of too than He does. Plus His alt leads her into all sorts of social situations, the tacit rules of which entirely elude her. she has screwed up so many things this weekend. It seems like she has screwed up everything she has taken part in. Everything changes so quickly. Just when she thinks she gets some kind of handle on one thing, Master takes her in another direction, from physicality to jobs to vampires.

too's head was spinning and she finally reached the breaking point tonight and fell apart completely. In retrospect, i should have seen in coming. All the signs were there. i didn't though. i never do. So now Master is rightfully mad over my disrespect and arguing. i put Raptor in an awkward situation with my nonsense and never meant to do that either. Everything just got away from me before i realized what was happening. i'm not sure what the aftermath of this will be. too will probably be treated more strictly but i'm not really sure that fits in to the circles in which she finds herself. That's in Master's hands now anyhow. she screwed it up for herself. i always do the second i am given anything that feels like freedom or rank.

i'll talk to Raptor when i'm ready or sooner if Master insists. Things will be okay with him, i think. i just hadn't seen him in a long time and was happy to see him and then wound up causing him grief and i feel bad about that. It was the last thing i intended. It was so stupid. It should have been obvious to me at the time but it just wasn't. nou understands her world. too is a total misfit. nou never would have done that to him. i really wish i could delete too.

The one i've been avoiding writing about and the one over whom i shed the most tears today is rau. my thoughts about her are the underlying cause of every one of my tears. i have no idea how things stand with her and i am absolutely terrified. i had no communication with her today at all. i don't even know if she's safe. The first thing i wish is just that i knew she's okay. Wanting and needing her are selfish. i understand that. i just want her to be all right aside from everything else. Great! Here come the tears again. i think the well has all but run dry. i can barely even produce any more tears.

If rau is okay, and i pray that she is, i don't know that i can be what she wants of me. i'd never intended to take on any sort of role with her and now i find myself aching with love for her in addition to being madly IN love with her. But she and i are both sub and i don't know that i can be what she wants. i don't know that i have it in me or whether she will even want me if i can't. i don't want to imagine my life without her there and loving me. i just don't know if i can give her what she needs without losing myself. i've been trying and i think the effort and the ultimate failure are what cost me today's downfall. i did see this part coming but i tried to deny it and fight it. i guess i was hoping that wanting enough to please her could over ride all else. It couldn't.

So... Master is unhappy with me, may punish me, will almost certainly start being a hard ass with too even though it's not what He was inclined to do, and has doubts about my even showing up. rau may or may not even be alive for all i know since she didn't answer any of my communications or appear as visible under any source today. Assuming her safety, she may or may not want to deal with me any longer anyhow being i cannot be who she wants. Raptor, the source of the easiest difficulty of the bunch, needs an apology which he will then scold me for giving but i feel so bad about causing him conflict. All of that is without mentioning how horrendous everything is at home in real life.

Today sucked and i'm staying home from work tomorrow.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Always in Trouble

Sometimes, like last weekend, i set out seeking trouble and never have any difficulty in finding it. Other times, like today, i make conscious effort to avoid it and it finds me anyhow. i have been trying not to argue with Master even harder than usual since i did so last weekend. i didn't argue with Him today. i have been trying not to disobey Master even harder than usual since i did so last weekend. i didn't disobey Him today. But some rules and expectations are more ambiguous.

Master found something i said about a new sister in private IM to Him to be way out of line and got angry. i understand what angered Him and won't repeat the mistake but i couldn't possibly have anticipated His reaction either. my comment was one of those things meant half as a joke and half to express my disdain, in this instance toward the new girl. Master took it as totally serious. He is entitled.

Initially Master added a lash onto my initiatory whipping but then He withdrew that and said i'll be punished in another way. i think i was supposed to thank Him for that but i didn't for a couple of reasons.

1. i don't know what the punishment is so how do i know it's even preferable to the extra lash? At this point, the whipping is going to be intense enough that it's going to suck. Does having it suck one lash worse even matter? i guess i'll think so at the time but the difference between 13+1 and 14+1 just doesn't seem like much at this moment.

2. i hate saying things i don't mean. It is the same thing as lying in my mind. Master made me apologize when i wasn't sorry. i didn't want to also express gratitude i didn't feel. i don't care right now. Whip me or don't. It just doesn't matter to me presently. i'm pissed off and in a mood and i know it. i don't feel remorse or appreciation or much of anything else.


i tried very hard to not beg to kennel and i lasted for a little while but, ultimately, i did and Master was indulgent enough to grant it. While i understand the reasons to make myself remain in uncomfortable situations, i also know that getting myself away from them until i am calmer is a good means of damage control. i didn't vent my anger inappropriately to Master or anyone else because Master let me have space. i knelt and cleaned my room. Maybe the results weren't flawless today, but my intentions were good and i was successful in meeting them. i didn't argue or disobey or kennel at the first sign of conflict or vent my anger onto Master. That is progress, if not perfection.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008