i've been increasingly aware lately of how people, specifically those with whom i don't speak candidly irl but who read this blog, think i am miserable. It is not my inclination to care what people think but it is my desire to maintain candor at all times. If this blog conveys a falsehood then i want to correct it. i do not like misperception of any kind.
i have countless incomplete stored blog entries of how happy i am, none ever posted. Why not? Because i don't have motivation to write when i am content. Since i was as young as eight i vividly recall using writing to cleanse myself of the overwhelming negativity of feelings with which i could not cope. It was a safe means of expression, effective and without fear of recrimination unless i chose to share it. i have no desire to write when things are good because i don't need to expunge those feelings from myself. Quite the contrary. Often i hold good news to myself to savor it before i even let others in on it if they are to know at all.
So for those who suspect this blog is an overview of my pervasive mindset, you stand corrected. my general mood and attitude and LIFE are filled with more serenity than ever before. i am not hiding from my true self and, other than my Master, i am answerable to no one. He gets a bad rap in this blog because i never write to say how wonderful He is. i write to condemn Him. Some of those assertions linger in my mind even after the blog entry is complete but most fade with the expression and are replaced with reasoned thinking. Yet i never print a retraction. i never follow up to say that it was my mood swing which colored my point of view and that my perceptions do not hold up when the chemicals in my brain realign themselves. That i can formulate a cogent assertion does not make it reality based.
Here is the current text under Master's picture in my SL profile. Perhaps its sharing will correct some of the negativity i inevitably express toward Him here by presenting the other, and more frequently felt, side of things.
"With the privilege of His collar has come the massive undertaking of learning to be my true self, the beast i've spent my life denying. No other man could or ever will own me. i belonged to Him long before i met Him either on SL or IRL. He is my reason when there is no other, my reality check when i'm off the deep end, my focal point when i'm scattered, my friend when He can be, and my warden when He must be. He is the only one who can get me out of my own way. Letting Him hold the whip has been hard. Letting Him hold my hand on a softer path is infinitely harder, yet always His goal. For fleeting moments, He actually has me considering that the world might... MIGHT... be the pleasant place He takes it to be. i challenge Him and i frustrate Him but ultimately i obey Him, grateful for His willingness to embrace the formidable task of dealing with me. Who i was, who i am, who i will be... they are all His. You can see His collar on my neck but it is anchored to my heart and soul. i love Him."
This is a never published blog entry from 6/3, unpublished because i never completed it and incomplete because i had no need to vent:
"Okay, i found myself stressed to the brink the other day over what Master MIGHT do when i got home. i got myself so worked up over it that i was reciting a whole list in my head of things that made me feel justified in resenting Him and i was actually envisioning myself removing my collar and throwing it down in front of Him. Um... over what He MIGHT do?
Miraculously, it occurred to me that i was imagining myself going apeshit over something that didn't have to happen. i texted Him a message, respectfully stating what i didn't think i could handle. And that was it. Crisis averted. Instead of going through the day with increasing anxiety anticipating a problem which may not ever have happened and about which Master knew nothing, i just told Him. Proactive communication. Imagine that!
Realizing i could impact the situation, rather than just feeling victimized and waiting to explode, was pretty amazing to me!
i've also been increasingly aware of the no-win situations i create."
That was something that bothered me enough initially to get it down in black and white but then there was no need to go on. Had everything just been fine to begin with, as it is more often than not, it never even would have made it to the unpublished archives but remained with me as unblogged happiness. my contentment is not as elusive as you may think, blog readers. Thank you for your concern but it is neither needed nor, since it is based upon misperception, wanted.
Life is far from easy these days but it is the adventure i have long sought and i feel more freedom in this collar than i ever could have as a "free" drone trying to live out the life everyone thought i should in New York. i can face myself in the mirror unashamedly. i smile and i laugh frequently, usually at Master's deliberate provocation. i have a sense of hope which i had lacked for years.
AND... i finally managed an upbeat blog entry!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
v, pink, and Doomsday
Lately v has gotten very expressive in her blog and i've been impressed with her ability to express herself cogently and to put into words some of the things i feel as well regarding Master. i told Him that i found all she said to be legitimate and that i shared her sentiments. i was pleased with myself for expressing that directly rather than waiting to blog about it. i've been doing better with that a lot lately.
Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.
i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.
Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...
In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.
There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!
Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.
i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.
Writing, for me, has always been a huge outlet. i tend to only blog when i need to unleash strong and unpleasant emotions. That leaves Master portrayed in a negative light more often than not. i never take the time to blog when i am gushing with appreciation and in awe of how amazing He is and just especially acutely aware of how much i love Him and how lucky and glad i am to be His. i blog when i'm on the warpath.
i'm not any more frustrated with Master than usual regarding the things v discussed in her blog. she was the catalyst for this blog coming at a time when i am not on the warpath. Thank you, v! Anyhow, i think what it comes down to is that v and i are on the same page in seeing things and Master is on a whole other page. Right now, with where my mind is at the moment, i'm okay with that. He is Master. The way He sees things is the way things are. v and i need to deal with them.
Speaking for myself, since i never set out to speak for v and hope i haven't misrepresented her thinking in any way, i get tired of feeling secondary to SL on a daily basis. i get tired of Master being impassioned about things related to SL at the exclusion of all else including me. i get tired of Him telling me that He is done with projects and expecting me to believe that, because He DOES believe it Himself, when i KNOW that He will find "one more thing" that has to be done OR He will immediately move on to the next phase of that project or a new project. Either way, He will continue to be engaged with it or an offshoot of it for hours and then days and then...
In short, i'm tired of His pervasive SL addiction and the fact that He doesn't see Himself as having one. When so many people see you in a certain way -those closest to you, those you love you most, those who want the best for you- it's time to consider that it may be warranted. Regardless, i'm okay enough with it at the moment and i'm not going to let myself get worked up over it right now. There are many positives that i reap by being Master's. This is one of the negatives. i guess i'm at the point of learning to be honest with myself about how i feel, expressing it to Master in increasingly appropriate ways, and striving to remain ever cognizant of the fact that i'm entitled to no more than that because i am entitled to nothing at all. The awareness to see all of this and the willingness to put forth effort toward it represent growth on my part and, if there's a positive side, it lies therein.
There are other things playing with my mind but i'm not sure i want to put them here in black and white just yet. One is pink. Things with her are just too raw right now. Normally i'd show up on SL and back up the fact that she damn well WILL obey me. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of feeling as if she'd hurt me or pushed me aside, as if she has won. i don't even have the motivation to do that. Let her think she did win. Normally that possibility would KILL me but right now i don't even want to expose myself to her presence. i keep arguing the statistics in my head. i've cut ONCE in several YEARS. i need time and space. i hate her for making me feel as i do or at least planting the seeds for my making myself feel this way. i hate myself for doing the job of watering those seeds for her because a part of me worries she may be right. No, that's too harsh right now! i think i'll just go back to hating her. Ahhh, comfort!
Moving right along, i am agonizing over Friday. It is an example of one of the many things i simply don't know how to let work out in any sort of good way. If i tell no one, i get upset that no one acknowledges anything. If i tell anyone, i get upset that they do acknowledge it. i get upset with myself for desperately wanting to find some pleasure in it and never being able to find any. If i do nothing, i will hate myself for that and feel like more of a freak. If i do anything with Master, i will find some way to ruin it by either saying something to do so or -if i can actually manage it- keeping my mouth shut and being silently miserable with my own thoughts. i want things to play out differently but i don't know how to make that happen. my plan at the moment, if He permits, is to just go off on my own and search out roadside sales or garage sales. Both are abundant here, i enjoy the treasure seeking and dickering, and it need not cost much. i've been wanting to do this for weeks.
i like that plan and am ready to put in an appearance on SL... i think.
Badly Timed Disaster
Okay. i begin a new job in about an hour and a half. Stress!!! The last time i had to begin a new full time job was fourteen years ago. 7/6/95 to be exact. It was the day i met my husband.
i am WAY stressed about the dogs while i am gone. i am used to being the only one who cares for them and, as much as i may find it to be an annoyance, i like it that way. i typed Master instructions that spilled over onto a fourth page and keep tweaking them. Stress!!!
i should have obeyed Master at one point and i didn't so He was going to get a whip. It was just a threat and would have been okay but i grabbed at His ankles and started playing and He fell and hurt His back. i hurt Him! And we don't have much in the way of painkillers! And He is completely out of cigarettes! Stress!!!
Then pink signed on again and He told me to IM her. she sent me a nasty NC. Among other things, it said that i'm a cutter and she's not because she's only cut twice in the past year. Well then she has cut twice as much as i have! i've gone as long as nearly three years between cutting and it shouldn't matter but it does. she KNOWS this is an area where she can hurt me. i've told her as much and blogged about it. So she did. Stress!!!
i had sent pink an NC which Master had read in advance and okayed for me to send. It was blunt but not mean or abusive. It even pointed out strengths of hers and her potential. i was being KM and had Master's permission. she accepted no responsibility for her conduct, just had a tantrum and ran away and Master is upset. Stress!!!
Friday is a big day for a couple of reasons and Master is having a grand opening of the new stables which sucks. He doesn't want to do it another day because He is trying to make sure everyone gets His time and i understand that. It's not as if i want to deal with the big day reasons but i don't want to be at a crowded sim on what is probably going to be my only weekday off for a long time. He said i don't have to be there but i will probably feel like crap if i don't help out. It's not as if i have anything better to do. i'm lonely. And right now being lonely especially hurts. Friday it will hurt more. Stress!!!
i have been crying nonstop the past few days for any reason or none at all. i am stressed to the point that my stomach is killing me and totally upset and i want to puke. i don't want to start this job. i don't want Master walking the dogs. i don't want Master's back to hurt -ESPECIALLY since it was my fault- and, since it does, i don't want Him to be without pain medication. i don't want Him to need cigarettes but, since He does, i don't want Him to be without any. i don't want pink to exist at the moment. And i don't want Friday to exist on the calendar at all.
There it is. my wish list. i hope it's not too much to ask.
i am WAY stressed about the dogs while i am gone. i am used to being the only one who cares for them and, as much as i may find it to be an annoyance, i like it that way. i typed Master instructions that spilled over onto a fourth page and keep tweaking them. Stress!!!
i should have obeyed Master at one point and i didn't so He was going to get a whip. It was just a threat and would have been okay but i grabbed at His ankles and started playing and He fell and hurt His back. i hurt Him! And we don't have much in the way of painkillers! And He is completely out of cigarettes! Stress!!!
Then pink signed on again and He told me to IM her. she sent me a nasty NC. Among other things, it said that i'm a cutter and she's not because she's only cut twice in the past year. Well then she has cut twice as much as i have! i've gone as long as nearly three years between cutting and it shouldn't matter but it does. she KNOWS this is an area where she can hurt me. i've told her as much and blogged about it. So she did. Stress!!!
i had sent pink an NC which Master had read in advance and okayed for me to send. It was blunt but not mean or abusive. It even pointed out strengths of hers and her potential. i was being KM and had Master's permission. she accepted no responsibility for her conduct, just had a tantrum and ran away and Master is upset. Stress!!!
Friday is a big day for a couple of reasons and Master is having a grand opening of the new stables which sucks. He doesn't want to do it another day because He is trying to make sure everyone gets His time and i understand that. It's not as if i want to deal with the big day reasons but i don't want to be at a crowded sim on what is probably going to be my only weekday off for a long time. He said i don't have to be there but i will probably feel like crap if i don't help out. It's not as if i have anything better to do. i'm lonely. And right now being lonely especially hurts. Friday it will hurt more. Stress!!!
i have been crying nonstop the past few days for any reason or none at all. i am stressed to the point that my stomach is killing me and totally upset and i want to puke. i don't want to start this job. i don't want Master walking the dogs. i don't want Master's back to hurt -ESPECIALLY since it was my fault- and, since it does, i don't want Him to be without pain medication. i don't want Him to need cigarettes but, since He does, i don't want Him to be without any. i don't want pink to exist at the moment. And i don't want Friday to exist on the calendar at all.
There it is. my wish list. i hope it's not too much to ask.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One More Thing
i'd always thought that begging forgiveness was for Master's benefit, that He was owed an apology and that i was giving Him that to which He was entitled. While that may be true, i learned yesterday that it is closer to being entirely backwards than accurate. When i tried to beg forgiveness yesterday, Master wouldn't allow me to. He wouldn't hear it. He'd never refused to let me before but He did yesterday and it was horrible. i learned something from it though. Begging forgiveness is for ME. i always saw it as a means of humbling myself and admitting culpability and taking a step toward making things right. But i'd thought i was doing those things for Him. When He didn't allow me, i realized that i truly am entitled to nothing He doesn't grant, even the privilege of begging His forgiveness. i would have given anything if He'd just have heard my words. That new perspective profoundly changes the way i'm viewing things.
New Day, New Outlook
Yesterday was a VERY rough day. i definitely did more crying than laughing. But a lot of good came of it. i got out of my own head and into the real world more and it's already spilling over into today in positive ways. i spoke with v in a full conversation rather than just a three word exchange of information. i don't know why i don't speak with her more. i love her and am always glad after i do. i also made myself speak to Master about a lot of things that were on my mind rather than blogging about them. It's a challenge that pays off because i DO feel better when we interactively communicate. i was sure He was the one not accessible for talking but it turns out He's right there and ready when i actually stop typing and speak. It's kind of pathetic that that's a revelation to me.
This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.
The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.
i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...
forgetting my place AGAIN
and having an attitude AGAIN
and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level
i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.
But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.
A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.
i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.
i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?
If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.
This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.
The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.
i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...
forgetting my place AGAIN
and having an attitude AGAIN
and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level
i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.
But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.
A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.
i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.
i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?
If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Don't Know What to DO with myself
Was fine... or thought i was... upset with myself for screwing up but feeling like it would work out okay... eager to beg Master's forgiveness and deal with any punishment and hopefully just move forward... washed the dishes, took a shower... and now i just started thinking about my mother and burst into tears and feel as if she'll never speak to me again and i don't want to turn forty especially if she's not going to speak to me and i'm on borrowed time because Neal is dead anyhow and i don't want to wake Master, not that it's even POSSIBLE to wake Him, because He's mad at me too and because He's out of cigarettes until i bring Him home any later so i don't want Him to have to be awake without them any longer than necessary and the dogs have no food until i get home later and i feel guilty about all they don't have and i just want some kind of comfort but i don't know how to find any.
Jittery
i feel REALLY jittery, in one of those states where i wouldn't dare cut because i don't think i'd stop, where i'd feel no pain and get a rush from watching the blood drip down my body. i'm not suicidal right now. i just don't trust myself to stop cutting once i start because i won't want to stop.
This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.
i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.
But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.
Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.
But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.
This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:
"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."
Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:
"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."
A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.
The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:
He is Master. i am slave.
He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.
He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.
This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.
i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.
But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.
Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.
But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.
This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:
"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."
Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:
"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."
A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.
The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:
He is Master. i am slave.
He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.
He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Knowing
It's been weird these past few days because i've been stressed to the brink (that blog will follow) but also sensing things without being told them. i knew v had blogged without anyone having told me. Knew it. Went to her blog EXPECTING to see new entries even though she hadn't blogged in weeks. Would have been surprised not to. There has been a lot of that in the past few days. Weird.
| Your dating personality profile: Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Shy - You are often timid around others, though you will open up when the right person comes along. | Your Top Ten Traits 1. Practical 2. Big-Hearted 3. Shy 4. Liberal 5. Sensual 6. Traditional 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Intellectual 9. Romantic 10. Funny |
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Sunday, May 24, 2009
i NEED a Reset Button on my Head
Because if my thoughts haven't changed by the time Master wakes up, He's going to kill me.
i’m stressed about absolutely everything. i remember sitting in my shrink’s office on one of my first visits before i’d ever been medicated for psychiatric stuff and telling him that i just needed to stop thinking, that i couldn’t get my brain to stop tormenting me and i just needed to be able to make it stop. That’s how i feel right now. i am thinking and overthinking and rethinking.
i have more self-awareness than i did when that conversation first took place, more insight and maturity and, when i’m not deeply depressed, more willingness to take responsibility for my mental health rather than just viewing myself as a victim of it. A lot of it is within my control and it is a choice. i get that today, though i also know that making the choice to think and act sanely takes an ENORMOUS amount of energy sometimes at the expense of other things.
Focus may be one of them since i stopped to take a photo of the dogs in the middle of that last sentence, wound up checking my e-mail, turned on a light, looked back at what i’m writing and had no idea that i’d stopped in the first place.
i’m really upset that my asthma kicked in a few days ago. i was intellectually prepared to deal with that but thought i’d cut a break when it had been almost ten weeks before it happened. Now, i’m recalling the way it FEELS to never feel completely okay physically and it’s not even that bad yet. It is VERY draining to always feel as if your breathing is uneasy or your chest tight from congestion. When breathing is a conscious act, it is one more major distraction.
So i signed onto SL because it had actually been a little bit pleasant there last night and, moronic me, i was hoping it might be safe to pop on there again, even in Master’s absence, to just hang out for a bit. WRONG! pink was there and i tried to deal with her casually but she took it to a serious level and i freaked out and ran. i’m still in freak mode.
she did nothing wrong. she was trying to be nice, to be empathetic, to relate to me... not the easiest feat in the world and one MANY won’t even attempt. she offered me some shirt she made and shared about herself in response to having read my blog. i have nothing against her. she’s nice enough and well-intentioned. i don’t find her any more annoying than i do most human beings which is pretty good for me with SLers since i find them grating as hell more often than not.
But she cuts. i have NEVER been able to be around other cutters or hear about them or read about them or ANY of it. It’s a HUGE trigger to my wanting to cut, feeling compelled to cut. i know this isn’t unusual because all the cutting websites i used to hang out on have disclaimers which warn of the potential trigger. Cutting isn’t just self-punishment and an outlet for self-hatred. There is a rush to it at times, some twisted thrill that comes from no other source. When i know someone else cuts, i get jealous and want to cut myself more than i want to breathe.
From the second Master told me she cuts, i just see her or hear her name and it’s what i think of most. i thought that had eased up a bit, and i guess it had, but obviously not all that much. None of this is pink’s fault. None of it is anything she can help or a biproduct of anything she should be doing differently. i just can’t connect with cutters. Not cutting takes a lot of effort with me and i can’t put myself around anyone who magnifies that needed effort a millionfold. It’s not personal. By the same token, i’m not just going to keep avoiding her without explanation.
i’d be cutting right now but Master’s latest promised punishment for my next transgression is being chained and the prospect of that is just slightly more daunting than the idea of cutting is appealing. For now anyway. Just as i found myself snapping a photo of the dogs earlier, i could as easily find myself cutting before i even think about what i’m doing. Or, more likely, i can find myself about to cut and then follow through because it is too close and feels as if it is too late to stop. i stopped from that point the other day, nothing short of a miracle, but i’m not banking on my ability to do it again.
When i signed off SL after the interaction with pink, i immediately looked for the cutting websites i used to have bookmarked under another screen name i used to use. i must have deleted them which is really frustrating me but it’s probably also the only reason i haven’t cut yet today so i’m forcing myself not to search Google for them for now. i did find an old favorite website of mine which gives the amounts of medications needed to overdose and i bookmarked that under this new screen name. i don’t WANT to overdose. There’s just something safe and familiar feeling about having that website close. Like knowing it’s there if i need it. Just the knowing makes me not need it. i feel the same way about my stash of razors, though it's hardly a stash since Master knows about them.
To backtrack, the idea of being chained is incredibly unpleasant to me and came about because i was being obscenely obnoxious and defiant at one point the other night, so much so that even the brandished, metal-inset, heavy belt snapping in my face didn’t jolt me out of it. i turned my attitude around in time only because Master chose to tolerate a LOT of bullshit behavior from me without punishment. i don’t think He was actually mad as much as unwilling to deal with His kajira being willingly and ongoingly disobedient right to His face. Imagine that.
i left the room for a minute on an errand for Him that i actually managed to agree to do and it snapped me out of it entirely. i finally managed to proces that He was about to beat me and chain me and that i STRONGLY wanted to avoid both. i also realized that i’d been mistreating Master this way with thunderbolt as a witness which was a particularly crappy thing to do to Him. i begged forgiveness and meant it and woke up yesterday still very upset with myself for having pushed things so far. i was still reeling form the idea of the trouble i could have brought upon myself and grateful that Master had chosen to be lenient. i shaved my pussy, a surefire make-nou-feel-like-the-slave-she-is action, and also did a lot of cleaning so the house looked inifnitely better when He woke up. He was pleased and that felt good. i’d wanted to put away the belt when i was cleaning but left it out and asked His permission to do so. He allowed me to put it away immediately which was awesome if somewhat unexpected.
It’s funny because v always teases about liking being spanked with the belt or in general and i’d always been the same way. i liked the concept and the interaction and a decent amount of the pain too. Most of my sexual fantasies were about scenarious in which the real me got off imagining the fantasy me forced and beaten and resisting and not liking it. It’s always on my mind when i masturbate in some format. In looking at the old bookmarked websites before, i realized how many had been related to spanking/physical punishment... stories, photos, experiential accounts, all sorts of things. i still find the idea very arousing in play and i think i’m just realizing that the difference now with Master is that it is NOT play. Having Him angry or even just needing to punish me when He’s not is about as far from playful as it could get.
i’d kind of wondered why spanking didn’t seem fun with Him beyond a swat on the ass or that sort of thing and the answer, which is obvious in retrospect, is that this is real. None of the scenes with Jason or before him were ever real even though some sort of had a real feel to them and definitely left real bruises. Still, when the belt got put down, or the lashes at least stopped, there was going to be sex and then it would be back to being vanilla again. Those scenes were fun and i think they still would be but NOT with Master. i wonder if there’s an avenue for them that is compatible with being Master’s. The best of both worlds.
Back to sources of stress before i close this absurdly long though somewhat cathartic blog. And i choose this last source to illustrate for myself that i really can and will and do take ANYTHING, even the most positive thing in the world, and turn it into a source of stress. Master and i watched part of a movie yesterday, something we hadn’t done together before, and it was kind of cool despite tons of distractions. He said that it would be nice to get some DVDs and watch movies offline and cuddle on the futon when we’re able financially.
This idea seemed awesome. It IS awesome. i literally was in tears about it twice yesterday, though not in front of Him. It isn’t so much the details as what they represent. Crap, i’m going to cry again now. i hate when i’m in an easily teary mood which is OFTEN. Anyhow, it sort of illustrated that He finds my presence something beyond barely tolerable which, me being me, i DO need illustrated. So, life should have been great, right? But this IS me, after all.
The what-ifs started. What if it never happens? What if i get restless and can’t hold still and it feels claustrophobic while we’re cuddling? What if it’s too hot at that moment and i’m sweaty and sticky and gross? Need i say more? It just went on from there which i suppose brings me full circle to the beginning of this post recalling myself sitting in my shrink's office insisting that i need to STOP thinking all the time.
Master made me actually talk to Him directly the other day instead of just blogging and then fielding His response to the entry, if any. It was excruciatingly hard to say what i wanted to say out loud and face to face but i think it actually helped, both the interactive communication and successfully forcing myself to do something uncomfortable. Hmmm, so much for ending this entry at a logical point. i guess those last sentences just popped out like the camera did to photograph the dogs earlier.
In any case, this blog entry is complete and i am somewhat distracted from wanting to cut... of course saying that just reminded me about wanting to cut... of course... GRRRRR!!! i need to stop thinking!
i’m stressed about absolutely everything. i remember sitting in my shrink’s office on one of my first visits before i’d ever been medicated for psychiatric stuff and telling him that i just needed to stop thinking, that i couldn’t get my brain to stop tormenting me and i just needed to be able to make it stop. That’s how i feel right now. i am thinking and overthinking and rethinking.
i have more self-awareness than i did when that conversation first took place, more insight and maturity and, when i’m not deeply depressed, more willingness to take responsibility for my mental health rather than just viewing myself as a victim of it. A lot of it is within my control and it is a choice. i get that today, though i also know that making the choice to think and act sanely takes an ENORMOUS amount of energy sometimes at the expense of other things.
Focus may be one of them since i stopped to take a photo of the dogs in the middle of that last sentence, wound up checking my e-mail, turned on a light, looked back at what i’m writing and had no idea that i’d stopped in the first place.
i’m really upset that my asthma kicked in a few days ago. i was intellectually prepared to deal with that but thought i’d cut a break when it had been almost ten weeks before it happened. Now, i’m recalling the way it FEELS to never feel completely okay physically and it’s not even that bad yet. It is VERY draining to always feel as if your breathing is uneasy or your chest tight from congestion. When breathing is a conscious act, it is one more major distraction.
So i signed onto SL because it had actually been a little bit pleasant there last night and, moronic me, i was hoping it might be safe to pop on there again, even in Master’s absence, to just hang out for a bit. WRONG! pink was there and i tried to deal with her casually but she took it to a serious level and i freaked out and ran. i’m still in freak mode.
she did nothing wrong. she was trying to be nice, to be empathetic, to relate to me... not the easiest feat in the world and one MANY won’t even attempt. she offered me some shirt she made and shared about herself in response to having read my blog. i have nothing against her. she’s nice enough and well-intentioned. i don’t find her any more annoying than i do most human beings which is pretty good for me with SLers since i find them grating as hell more often than not.
But she cuts. i have NEVER been able to be around other cutters or hear about them or read about them or ANY of it. It’s a HUGE trigger to my wanting to cut, feeling compelled to cut. i know this isn’t unusual because all the cutting websites i used to hang out on have disclaimers which warn of the potential trigger. Cutting isn’t just self-punishment and an outlet for self-hatred. There is a rush to it at times, some twisted thrill that comes from no other source. When i know someone else cuts, i get jealous and want to cut myself more than i want to breathe.
From the second Master told me she cuts, i just see her or hear her name and it’s what i think of most. i thought that had eased up a bit, and i guess it had, but obviously not all that much. None of this is pink’s fault. None of it is anything she can help or a biproduct of anything she should be doing differently. i just can’t connect with cutters. Not cutting takes a lot of effort with me and i can’t put myself around anyone who magnifies that needed effort a millionfold. It’s not personal. By the same token, i’m not just going to keep avoiding her without explanation.
i’d be cutting right now but Master’s latest promised punishment for my next transgression is being chained and the prospect of that is just slightly more daunting than the idea of cutting is appealing. For now anyway. Just as i found myself snapping a photo of the dogs earlier, i could as easily find myself cutting before i even think about what i’m doing. Or, more likely, i can find myself about to cut and then follow through because it is too close and feels as if it is too late to stop. i stopped from that point the other day, nothing short of a miracle, but i’m not banking on my ability to do it again.
When i signed off SL after the interaction with pink, i immediately looked for the cutting websites i used to have bookmarked under another screen name i used to use. i must have deleted them which is really frustrating me but it’s probably also the only reason i haven’t cut yet today so i’m forcing myself not to search Google for them for now. i did find an old favorite website of mine which gives the amounts of medications needed to overdose and i bookmarked that under this new screen name. i don’t WANT to overdose. There’s just something safe and familiar feeling about having that website close. Like knowing it’s there if i need it. Just the knowing makes me not need it. i feel the same way about my stash of razors, though it's hardly a stash since Master knows about them.
To backtrack, the idea of being chained is incredibly unpleasant to me and came about because i was being obscenely obnoxious and defiant at one point the other night, so much so that even the brandished, metal-inset, heavy belt snapping in my face didn’t jolt me out of it. i turned my attitude around in time only because Master chose to tolerate a LOT of bullshit behavior from me without punishment. i don’t think He was actually mad as much as unwilling to deal with His kajira being willingly and ongoingly disobedient right to His face. Imagine that.
i left the room for a minute on an errand for Him that i actually managed to agree to do and it snapped me out of it entirely. i finally managed to proces that He was about to beat me and chain me and that i STRONGLY wanted to avoid both. i also realized that i’d been mistreating Master this way with thunderbolt as a witness which was a particularly crappy thing to do to Him. i begged forgiveness and meant it and woke up yesterday still very upset with myself for having pushed things so far. i was still reeling form the idea of the trouble i could have brought upon myself and grateful that Master had chosen to be lenient. i shaved my pussy, a surefire make-nou-feel-like-the-slave-she-is action, and also did a lot of cleaning so the house looked inifnitely better when He woke up. He was pleased and that felt good. i’d wanted to put away the belt when i was cleaning but left it out and asked His permission to do so. He allowed me to put it away immediately which was awesome if somewhat unexpected.
It’s funny because v always teases about liking being spanked with the belt or in general and i’d always been the same way. i liked the concept and the interaction and a decent amount of the pain too. Most of my sexual fantasies were about scenarious in which the real me got off imagining the fantasy me forced and beaten and resisting and not liking it. It’s always on my mind when i masturbate in some format. In looking at the old bookmarked websites before, i realized how many had been related to spanking/physical punishment... stories, photos, experiential accounts, all sorts of things. i still find the idea very arousing in play and i think i’m just realizing that the difference now with Master is that it is NOT play. Having Him angry or even just needing to punish me when He’s not is about as far from playful as it could get.
i’d kind of wondered why spanking didn’t seem fun with Him beyond a swat on the ass or that sort of thing and the answer, which is obvious in retrospect, is that this is real. None of the scenes with Jason or before him were ever real even though some sort of had a real feel to them and definitely left real bruises. Still, when the belt got put down, or the lashes at least stopped, there was going to be sex and then it would be back to being vanilla again. Those scenes were fun and i think they still would be but NOT with Master. i wonder if there’s an avenue for them that is compatible with being Master’s. The best of both worlds.
Back to sources of stress before i close this absurdly long though somewhat cathartic blog. And i choose this last source to illustrate for myself that i really can and will and do take ANYTHING, even the most positive thing in the world, and turn it into a source of stress. Master and i watched part of a movie yesterday, something we hadn’t done together before, and it was kind of cool despite tons of distractions. He said that it would be nice to get some DVDs and watch movies offline and cuddle on the futon when we’re able financially.
This idea seemed awesome. It IS awesome. i literally was in tears about it twice yesterday, though not in front of Him. It isn’t so much the details as what they represent. Crap, i’m going to cry again now. i hate when i’m in an easily teary mood which is OFTEN. Anyhow, it sort of illustrated that He finds my presence something beyond barely tolerable which, me being me, i DO need illustrated. So, life should have been great, right? But this IS me, after all.
The what-ifs started. What if it never happens? What if i get restless and can’t hold still and it feels claustrophobic while we’re cuddling? What if it’s too hot at that moment and i’m sweaty and sticky and gross? Need i say more? It just went on from there which i suppose brings me full circle to the beginning of this post recalling myself sitting in my shrink's office insisting that i need to STOP thinking all the time.
Master made me actually talk to Him directly the other day instead of just blogging and then fielding His response to the entry, if any. It was excruciatingly hard to say what i wanted to say out loud and face to face but i think it actually helped, both the interactive communication and successfully forcing myself to do something uncomfortable. Hmmm, so much for ending this entry at a logical point. i guess those last sentences just popped out like the camera did to photograph the dogs earlier.
In any case, this blog entry is complete and i am somewhat distracted from wanting to cut... of course saying that just reminded me about wanting to cut... of course... GRRRRR!!! i need to stop thinking!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
my Specialty: No-Win Situations
i've gone this particular route many times with Jason (whom i incidentally miss FAR more than i'd anticipated and have been crying for daily) so it is somewhat familiar ground, for what that's worth. Master read my blog. He's been very on top of reading my blog entries consistently and immediately lately. Thank you, my Master.
Anyhow, He initially started to reassure me and i started to cringe. Then He must have gotten to the part that spoke of my dreading His reassurances. He said that i do not have to go and that He will meet them somewhere. He asked if i felt better. Um, this is ME! Of course i didn't.
i don't feel better because it's an upsetting situation for me and it will suck no matter how it's handled. When things came up with Jason they went one of two ways.
EITHER... i was obligated to go for some reason and the anticipation was SO stressful for me that i totally fell apart as the event approached, cutting myself and otherwise behaving like a basket case. By the time the event was there, i had either fallen apart completely and was unable to go due to being in an entirely non-functional clinically depressed state or i actually made it to the event and had a wonderful time with Jason amazed that i did so. Once i was actually immersed in the situation, it pretty consistently went well.
OR... i was not obligated to go and the anticipation was uneventful but, by the time the event was there and Jason at it without me, i totally fell apart and cut myself and fell into an entirely non-functional depressed state. i was always left feeling as if i had failed Jason by not being able to go or even wanting to.
It was almost a chicken/egg thing. Was i going to fall apart before the event and then handle it well? Or was i going to handle the time leading to the event well and then fall apart while absent from it? Whichever came first, the result was me having a period of respite and one of agonized self-abusive loathing.
i also feel bad that Master will go without me because that is probably not what He wants. Then again, maybe He'd prefer to go without me in which case i feel bad about that. Again, it's a no-win situation. Heads, i lose. Tails, i lose. Either i fail Him or He doesn't want me there anyhow. Welcome to my head!
The underlying problem and bigger issue is my inability to allow anyone, even Master, to reassure me of ANYTHING even when a part of me desperately wants to be reassured. i fight it tooth and nail even while realizing at some level that it's what i want. But there IS no assuaging my anxiety unless i were to just pretend to feel better. i don't know how to make my brain stop resisting and then i am totally demoralized because the same pattern cycled through yet again. And let's not forget the frequency with which i resent others for not adequately reassuring me! Because that's reasonable! No one can extricate me from this self-created no-win pattern since i don't know how to let them.
Where do i go from here?
Anyhow, He initially started to reassure me and i started to cringe. Then He must have gotten to the part that spoke of my dreading His reassurances. He said that i do not have to go and that He will meet them somewhere. He asked if i felt better. Um, this is ME! Of course i didn't.
i don't feel better because it's an upsetting situation for me and it will suck no matter how it's handled. When things came up with Jason they went one of two ways.
EITHER... i was obligated to go for some reason and the anticipation was SO stressful for me that i totally fell apart as the event approached, cutting myself and otherwise behaving like a basket case. By the time the event was there, i had either fallen apart completely and was unable to go due to being in an entirely non-functional clinically depressed state or i actually made it to the event and had a wonderful time with Jason amazed that i did so. Once i was actually immersed in the situation, it pretty consistently went well.
OR... i was not obligated to go and the anticipation was uneventful but, by the time the event was there and Jason at it without me, i totally fell apart and cut myself and fell into an entirely non-functional depressed state. i was always left feeling as if i had failed Jason by not being able to go or even wanting to.
It was almost a chicken/egg thing. Was i going to fall apart before the event and then handle it well? Or was i going to handle the time leading to the event well and then fall apart while absent from it? Whichever came first, the result was me having a period of respite and one of agonized self-abusive loathing.
i also feel bad that Master will go without me because that is probably not what He wants. Then again, maybe He'd prefer to go without me in which case i feel bad about that. Again, it's a no-win situation. Heads, i lose. Tails, i lose. Either i fail Him or He doesn't want me there anyhow. Welcome to my head!
The underlying problem and bigger issue is my inability to allow anyone, even Master, to reassure me of ANYTHING even when a part of me desperately wants to be reassured. i fight it tooth and nail even while realizing at some level that it's what i want. But there IS no assuaging my anxiety unless i were to just pretend to feel better. i don't know how to make my brain stop resisting and then i am totally demoralized because the same pattern cycled through yet again. And let's not forget the frequency with which i resent others for not adequately reassuring me! Because that's reasonable! No one can extricate me from this self-created no-win pattern since i don't know how to let them.
Where do i go from here?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stay the Fuck Away!
It is amazing how one problem that seemed insurmountable can apparently be solved (maybe) only to be immediately replaced by another which feels as overwhelming for entirely different reasons. A couple of SLers are supposed to visit here on the weekend. i do NOT want to meet them. When it seemed like more of a maybe, i forced myself to put it out of my mind... BARELY. But now it sounds as if it's a likelihood and i do NOT want to meet them.
It has nothing to do with them. i have nothing against either of them. It's me. i feel way too disgusting to meet anyone. They are young and normal looking and i am old and fat and totally gross. i don't want to be seen by them or anyone. It's bad enough that i need to deal with ANYONE irl but i definitely don't want to deal with SLers. i like nou the avi. i like how she looks. When i'm on SL, i want to be able to feel as if i have some basic affinity to her. i'm not deluded into thinking i'm actually her or that she's real. It's just a place where i don't have to feel like a freak, as per my avi, at least not for how i look. i do NOT welcome replacing the image of the avi with the image of the repulsive reality in anyone's mind. Once i do, i will no longer FEEL like nou the avi in their eyes and that SUCKS. i'll feel as if everyone "knows" and everything will be ruined. It's too much to give up for a couple of hours.
And now that Master is probably going to read this and know what i'm thinking, He's likely to try to "help" which will inadvertently make me feel like even more of a loser. i can so easily envision Him paying some bullshit compliment to my fucking, grotesque, SERIOUSLY-NEEDS-TO-BE-CUT hair, mistakenly thinking it will do something other than make me even more self-conscious and feel more like a freak being thrown a piteous remark as an indulgent if off-base kindness. Or maybe He'll stick with non-physical compliments so as not to alert my bullshit radar too quickly. "Yeah, that nou! she can really make a bologna sandwich!". i'd rather get beaten than deal with that. If i thought bringing about a beating would result in getting me out of going, i'd do it in a heartbeat! i want no part of them. i don't want to meet them or spend time with them and i DEFINITELY don't want to sit through a damn meal with them! Let them all go out and have a great time. i want to stay home under a rock with the dogs.
It's more than enough that i feel hideous in the whole world's eyes and in Master's, which means in my own home. Feeling it on SL too is going to make that BARELY appealing outlet not even the ace-up-my-sleeve it can sometimes be for me. i hope they have a great trip and get home safely... while staying the fuck away from me. If Master finds the idea of hanging out with them pleasing then let HIM do so while i stay home.
It has nothing to do with them. i have nothing against either of them. It's me. i feel way too disgusting to meet anyone. They are young and normal looking and i am old and fat and totally gross. i don't want to be seen by them or anyone. It's bad enough that i need to deal with ANYONE irl but i definitely don't want to deal with SLers. i like nou the avi. i like how she looks. When i'm on SL, i want to be able to feel as if i have some basic affinity to her. i'm not deluded into thinking i'm actually her or that she's real. It's just a place where i don't have to feel like a freak, as per my avi, at least not for how i look. i do NOT welcome replacing the image of the avi with the image of the repulsive reality in anyone's mind. Once i do, i will no longer FEEL like nou the avi in their eyes and that SUCKS. i'll feel as if everyone "knows" and everything will be ruined. It's too much to give up for a couple of hours.
And now that Master is probably going to read this and know what i'm thinking, He's likely to try to "help" which will inadvertently make me feel like even more of a loser. i can so easily envision Him paying some bullshit compliment to my fucking, grotesque, SERIOUSLY-NEEDS-TO-BE-CUT hair, mistakenly thinking it will do something other than make me even more self-conscious and feel more like a freak being thrown a piteous remark as an indulgent if off-base kindness. Or maybe He'll stick with non-physical compliments so as not to alert my bullshit radar too quickly. "Yeah, that nou! she can really make a bologna sandwich!". i'd rather get beaten than deal with that. If i thought bringing about a beating would result in getting me out of going, i'd do it in a heartbeat! i want no part of them. i don't want to meet them or spend time with them and i DEFINITELY don't want to sit through a damn meal with them! Let them all go out and have a great time. i want to stay home under a rock with the dogs.
It's more than enough that i feel hideous in the whole world's eyes and in Master's, which means in my own home. Feeling it on SL too is going to make that BARELY appealing outlet not even the ace-up-my-sleeve it can sometimes be for me. i hope they have a great trip and get home safely... while staying the fuck away from me. If Master finds the idea of hanging out with them pleasing then let HIM do so while i stay home.
Monday, May 18, 2009
slave?
Okay, i’m more grounded today but WAY more hypersensitive too. i get like this. i recognize it. Master’s admonishments when i’m NOT like this can seem meaningless or, worse, even amusing to me. When i AM like this, He can just say “nou” in a remotely stern voice and i fight off tears even if i know at some level that He’s mostly joking. He teased me in a silly and contextually appropriate comparison to slimy pet shop creepy-crawlies and i couldn’t help but take it seriously.
i can handle crazy or rude, knowing damn well that they fit, but the way in which i feel physically disgusting just makes it hurt at an entirely different level. my grandafther told me over thirty years ago that he would love me more if i was thin. i’ve been sure the world was on the same page as him ever since that day, sure that he and they wouldn’t love me at ALL unless i was thin. Want to guarantee a lifelong eating disorder? Tell an insecure little girl you’ll love her more if she’s thin.
That was the day today, that heightened sensitivity, largely because it started off with Master’s whip in my face and some threats from Him that were less than appealing. It seems that after having ordered me to clean up all the stuffing that Norman had tugged from the torn pillows, He found my shredding a clump of the stuffing and scattering it into an even greater mess to be belligerent. Imagine that! That it followed my having mouthed off quite possibly didn’t help either. Some things needed to fall back into place between Him and me after last night. He needed to be Master and i needed to be slave. It’s amazing how quickly a brandished whip can bring about that state! i hate that thing. (The whip, not Master.)
But a lot has been playing in my head today (for several days actually) and some of it has a basis in how i’m legitimately feeling, beyond the depression and anxiety. The biggest is my questioning whether i am even slave. i thought i was and it used to feel as if being slave was coming home, as if i finally fit somewhere in a world where i’d never done a thing but stand out even if fitting in was what i actually wanted. Maybe fitting in was always such an impossibility for me that doing so came to take on a negative connotation in my mind. If i can’t do it then i may as well view it distastefully. i still loathe the idea and i still can’t do it. There’s got to be a correlation.
In any case, i’m not even like other slaves in the most basic of ways and maybe that means i’m not slave at all. If it does mean that, though, it also means i’m not ANYTHING at all, that there’s nowhere i’ll ever belong. It means this is all there is, that this is as good as it gets to quote the movie. It means it’s time to stop hoping and just succumb to either living in a world in which i’ll never fit or leaving it. That concept just cycles my thoughts back to the fact that on May 7th i’d lived as many days as my brother did. Why use borrowed time to remain a miserable oddity? Why not just give up?
Why keep trying to make it work anyhow? Even if i decide i really am slave, since maybe i don’t suck at it any more than i do at everything else (though no less either), there are still things that are NEVER going to work and i’m finding myself unable to forego worrying about them. i’m still going to feel isolated and repulsive and lonely and wanting someone whom i have no potential to connect with as things are. i’m still going to be unwilling to serve alongside anyone as young as willow will still be in a few years. i’m still going to feel as if any semblance of a niche i have is totally gone with v here. Yes, why worry about things which may not happen? But why wait around for them to happen? Why subject myself and others to that? Why not leave BEFORE it gets to be that bad? May 7th. Everything else is icing. Borrowed time. Time that’s not mine.
i’m not actively suicidal as much as just not wanting to be alive, not wanting to stick around for the upset that is to come, not feeling capable of the battle or worthy of the unlikely victory.
i can handle crazy or rude, knowing damn well that they fit, but the way in which i feel physically disgusting just makes it hurt at an entirely different level. my grandafther told me over thirty years ago that he would love me more if i was thin. i’ve been sure the world was on the same page as him ever since that day, sure that he and they wouldn’t love me at ALL unless i was thin. Want to guarantee a lifelong eating disorder? Tell an insecure little girl you’ll love her more if she’s thin.
That was the day today, that heightened sensitivity, largely because it started off with Master’s whip in my face and some threats from Him that were less than appealing. It seems that after having ordered me to clean up all the stuffing that Norman had tugged from the torn pillows, He found my shredding a clump of the stuffing and scattering it into an even greater mess to be belligerent. Imagine that! That it followed my having mouthed off quite possibly didn’t help either. Some things needed to fall back into place between Him and me after last night. He needed to be Master and i needed to be slave. It’s amazing how quickly a brandished whip can bring about that state! i hate that thing. (The whip, not Master.)
But a lot has been playing in my head today (for several days actually) and some of it has a basis in how i’m legitimately feeling, beyond the depression and anxiety. The biggest is my questioning whether i am even slave. i thought i was and it used to feel as if being slave was coming home, as if i finally fit somewhere in a world where i’d never done a thing but stand out even if fitting in was what i actually wanted. Maybe fitting in was always such an impossibility for me that doing so came to take on a negative connotation in my mind. If i can’t do it then i may as well view it distastefully. i still loathe the idea and i still can’t do it. There’s got to be a correlation.
In any case, i’m not even like other slaves in the most basic of ways and maybe that means i’m not slave at all. If it does mean that, though, it also means i’m not ANYTHING at all, that there’s nowhere i’ll ever belong. It means this is all there is, that this is as good as it gets to quote the movie. It means it’s time to stop hoping and just succumb to either living in a world in which i’ll never fit or leaving it. That concept just cycles my thoughts back to the fact that on May 7th i’d lived as many days as my brother did. Why use borrowed time to remain a miserable oddity? Why not just give up?
Why keep trying to make it work anyhow? Even if i decide i really am slave, since maybe i don’t suck at it any more than i do at everything else (though no less either), there are still things that are NEVER going to work and i’m finding myself unable to forego worrying about them. i’m still going to feel isolated and repulsive and lonely and wanting someone whom i have no potential to connect with as things are. i’m still going to be unwilling to serve alongside anyone as young as willow will still be in a few years. i’m still going to feel as if any semblance of a niche i have is totally gone with v here. Yes, why worry about things which may not happen? But why wait around for them to happen? Why subject myself and others to that? Why not leave BEFORE it gets to be that bad? May 7th. Everything else is icing. Borrowed time. Time that’s not mine.
i’m not actively suicidal as much as just not wanting to be alive, not wanting to stick around for the upset that is to come, not feeling capable of the battle or worthy of the unlikely victory.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Not Done Yet
Wow! i am so entirely overwhelmed that i don't even know where to begin. Everything is changing from willow's name to midnight's stable affiliation to, hopefully, my job situation. i hate change and am in a state where i hate it even more than usual which is considerable.
After blogging earlier, i took the dogs out on a long walk in an effort to avoid cutting and get some exercise and give them an outlet for their excess energy as well as some mental stimulation. Nothing says canine mental stimulation like smelling the poop of the neighborhood dogs! i left a note for Master and headed down the road while it was still light outside. It got dark and the dogs got tired and it wound up being sort of scary because the road was unlit and the cars were close. i kept the dogs on the inside away from the cars so it would be my body taking the hit before theirs. That was just habit, and just as i'd do if i was walking with a child or two. But it was pitch black after a while all i could see were headlights coming at me and it looked and felt as if they would hit me and i didn't think the cars could see me and i sort of thought the road curved so it would be okay but it was still scary and i got a rush from it and i LIKED that. Anyhow, all three of us made it home okay.
So... i got home feeling good, much stronger than when i'd left. i was proud of myself for not having cut and for leaving a note for Master before leaving and not taking the car or any blades and just for having gotten some exercise. Master was upset when i arrived home. i went and sat in the spot where i sleep but i was confused. At first i assumed He was mad at me and i felt as i do when i am waiting to find out if He'll punish me for something and, if so, how. my inclination when i feel that way is to provoke Him into responding to me because i'd rather know what i'm dealing with than wait to find out, even if that makes it worse.
BUT... i was actually rational. i realized that i didn't know if i was actually the source of His upset yet. i recalled that He'd been feeling ill before i had left and that He'd been unhappy with v at the time too. i actually just went off and waited without freaking out. Rationality! From me! Imagine that!
It turned out there were a number of things going on and my own hold on Master's mood was not nearly as big a factor as i was inclined to assume at first. i actually got through the uncomfortable feelings without making anything worse. Go me!
But there is more on my mind and it finally hit me tonight what is getting to me the most, as the underlying basis for everything. On Thursday, May 7th, i turned the EXACT age my brother was when he died, to the very day. He never made it to forty. i feel as if i'm on borrowed time, as if i shouldn't either. i think that is a big part of why i don't want to turn forty. And i DON'T. i don't want more than he had. i don't deserve more than he had. i'm ten days over right now. i've lived for ten days that he didn't get. Why? Who the hell am i?
After blogging earlier, i took the dogs out on a long walk in an effort to avoid cutting and get some exercise and give them an outlet for their excess energy as well as some mental stimulation. Nothing says canine mental stimulation like smelling the poop of the neighborhood dogs! i left a note for Master and headed down the road while it was still light outside. It got dark and the dogs got tired and it wound up being sort of scary because the road was unlit and the cars were close. i kept the dogs on the inside away from the cars so it would be my body taking the hit before theirs. That was just habit, and just as i'd do if i was walking with a child or two. But it was pitch black after a while all i could see were headlights coming at me and it looked and felt as if they would hit me and i didn't think the cars could see me and i sort of thought the road curved so it would be okay but it was still scary and i got a rush from it and i LIKED that. Anyhow, all three of us made it home okay.
So... i got home feeling good, much stronger than when i'd left. i was proud of myself for not having cut and for leaving a note for Master before leaving and not taking the car or any blades and just for having gotten some exercise. Master was upset when i arrived home. i went and sat in the spot where i sleep but i was confused. At first i assumed He was mad at me and i felt as i do when i am waiting to find out if He'll punish me for something and, if so, how. my inclination when i feel that way is to provoke Him into responding to me because i'd rather know what i'm dealing with than wait to find out, even if that makes it worse.
BUT... i was actually rational. i realized that i didn't know if i was actually the source of His upset yet. i recalled that He'd been feeling ill before i had left and that He'd been unhappy with v at the time too. i actually just went off and waited without freaking out. Rationality! From me! Imagine that!
It turned out there were a number of things going on and my own hold on Master's mood was not nearly as big a factor as i was inclined to assume at first. i actually got through the uncomfortable feelings without making anything worse. Go me!
But there is more on my mind and it finally hit me tonight what is getting to me the most, as the underlying basis for everything. On Thursday, May 7th, i turned the EXACT age my brother was when he died, to the very day. He never made it to forty. i feel as if i'm on borrowed time, as if i shouldn't either. i think that is a big part of why i don't want to turn forty. And i DON'T. i don't want more than he had. i don't deserve more than he had. i'm ten days over right now. i've lived for ten days that he didn't get. Why? Who the hell am i?
As Long as i'm on a Roll Here...
Master smokes too much and He's going to die of cancer or die some other way and leave me alone and i'm worried about driving all the way out to the interview tomorrow and getting lost and not having money for gas to get home and i REALLY want to cut right now.
Unadulterated Terror and Some Dog Stuff
Underlying fear is a contributor to just about everything with me and i think it's only fair to acknowledge it in relation to Master's moneymaking plans. Some of my fear is about whether they actually will lead to income but another part of it relates to the fact that it will necessitate His traveling and my remaining home without Him. i am absolutely petrified of that. It was always kind of scary when Jason and the boys traveled and i was home alone in New York but i LOVED the chance to liberated from my room and to not be afraid of being hurt by the inhabitants of the house. Having the dogs helped me to feel safe.
But the bottom line was that i had local friends and family and active health insurance and access to money and was in an area with which i was familiar. The thought of being abandoned in Virginia knowing no one and lacking insurance and without money and largely unfamiliar with the area has me absolutely terrified. i don't want to be away from Master. i don't need the respite from Him that i did from the boys. i'm not isolated within the house and looking forward to a chance to leave a lonely room.
And... what if He doesn't come back? Then what? What if, just as He'd find a traditional job stifling, He realizes that He finds this house and this fucked up kajira and the entire state of Virginia stifling too? What if a new adventure is infinitely more exciting to Him than the boring old bull shit, which it inevitably will be? What about me?
Moving right along since thinking about that just makes me cry and want to cut, i'm worried about the dogs too. my shrink has said that i project my own feelings of helplessness onto them, and i'm sure that's the case here too, but that doesn't make them any less troublesome in my head. They are still real feelings even if they are rooted in myself. The dogs are getting restless and frustrated too. They have no yard to run in and no new toys or chew bones. i have been giving them people food treats and worry that their sodium intake is through the roof too and that they are being rendered unhealthy by it. i worry that Archie wants to go out all the time and maybe he urinates too much because he's diabetic, like me, and his kidneys are being harmed like mine are and he'll need dialysis like i will or he will die like i will. The dogs are way behind on vet care because i never had money for it in New York either. i worry that they will get heartworm from mosquitos or catch some disease from contact another dog or dog waste because they are behind on their shots and some things are spread that way. i worry that they're not happy and that it was unfair and selfish of me to bring them here and subject them to this.
More tears. No tissues. i am SO fucking frustrated. i want to cut. i want to run, just for the moment, outside and away. i want to smoke a joint and shut my brain. i want to be in Jason's arms and believe his reassurances. i want to feel safe. i want to feel hopeful. i want to feel wanted, not just to be told it but to believe it.
But the bottom line was that i had local friends and family and active health insurance and access to money and was in an area with which i was familiar. The thought of being abandoned in Virginia knowing no one and lacking insurance and without money and largely unfamiliar with the area has me absolutely terrified. i don't want to be away from Master. i don't need the respite from Him that i did from the boys. i'm not isolated within the house and looking forward to a chance to leave a lonely room.
And... what if He doesn't come back? Then what? What if, just as He'd find a traditional job stifling, He realizes that He finds this house and this fucked up kajira and the entire state of Virginia stifling too? What if a new adventure is infinitely more exciting to Him than the boring old bull shit, which it inevitably will be? What about me?
Moving right along since thinking about that just makes me cry and want to cut, i'm worried about the dogs too. my shrink has said that i project my own feelings of helplessness onto them, and i'm sure that's the case here too, but that doesn't make them any less troublesome in my head. They are still real feelings even if they are rooted in myself. The dogs are getting restless and frustrated too. They have no yard to run in and no new toys or chew bones. i have been giving them people food treats and worry that their sodium intake is through the roof too and that they are being rendered unhealthy by it. i worry that Archie wants to go out all the time and maybe he urinates too much because he's diabetic, like me, and his kidneys are being harmed like mine are and he'll need dialysis like i will or he will die like i will. The dogs are way behind on vet care because i never had money for it in New York either. i worry that they will get heartworm from mosquitos or catch some disease from contact another dog or dog waste because they are behind on their shots and some things are spread that way. i worry that they're not happy and that it was unfair and selfish of me to bring them here and subject them to this.
More tears. No tissues. i am SO fucking frustrated. i want to cut. i want to run, just for the moment, outside and away. i want to smoke a joint and shut my brain. i want to be in Jason's arms and believe his reassurances. i want to feel safe. i want to feel hopeful. i want to feel wanted, not just to be told it but to believe it.
Sex, Drugs, Money: These ARE a Few of my Favorite Things
I'm getting angry and frustrated again and don't want to be in trouble with Master or to be additional trouble TO Master. Hopefully blogging will help.
I'll work backwards from the title. Money. i am majorly stressed about money and thinking about the financial situation here in a lot of different ways. Part of the problem is that i've never been one to take a leap of faith and count chickens which aren't yet hatched. Hell, i don't even count chickens in a Perdue package in the grocery bag in the car on the way home from the supermarket. Who knows? There could be a car accident. They could spoil before i get home. They could be stolen by chicken thieves. Hmmm, i may be just a bit tangential here. In any case, relying on something that has not yet come to fruition is neither in my experience nor in my nature.
So... Part of me is constantly resentful that Master isn't currently and actively doing more to bring in income, especially when i am constantly sending out resumes and interviewing and babysitting and scoring us stuff from Craig's list to help us get by. i feel as if He is just waiting and that it is unfair and i really don't give a fuck at times that i am not entitled to any sort of fairness. There are things i want and things i need and i'm spoiled. i'm not used to doing without things at as great a level as i am right now, especially medically. i worry that Master's plans will never take off, either because He doesn't act on them or because they just don't work out. i worry that finances will all be on me, as it feels like they are now, and that i'll never be able to do an adequate job of it. i worry that i'll never be able to send money to help support my kids. i worry that the health problems i already have and those i am at high risk for will cause all sorts of challenges with which i won't be able to cope. i worry!
On the other hand, since i've been here Master has brought in thousands while i haven't brought in even $200. So who should be looking at whom as not contributing enough? i am NOT entitled to fairness and i can't expect situational entitlement. Regardless of what actually does happen, since no one has a working crystal ball, Master has every intention of moving forward with His plans at developing an income next month. i believe in His intentions. i know He will be happy if they work out and unhappy if they don't or can't. i know He'd be unhappy in a traditional job and i don't want Him to be unhappy or trying to fill some role that's not Him, ESPECIALLY due to me. But then i stress over using what little money there will be taht we KNOW we have to start up His plans and not being able to use it for the things we need or to send to my kids. Unhatched chickens. Stress.
Moving backwards through the title. Drugs. Without money, i'm off a LOT of my medications or on drastically decreased dosages of them, including the total cessation of all psychiatric ones a little while back. Some of it is causing problems, not the least of which is that i don't have the means to confirm or deny these problems so i stress over them. I know my diabetes is way out of whack. my toes are numb and tingling, my fingers intermittently do the same to the point that i can't do what i want to do like when i was working on puzzles or sewing that stupid thing for the Carroll's, i am thirsty a lot and dizzy sometimes and feeling crappy in a physical way. And that is from just ONE of my NUMEROUS medical conditions. It's even more frustrating because, in that instance, i have some of the meds and supplies i need but no way to test my blood sugar in order to safely adjust them.
i know that diet plays a big role in how i'm feeling too. EVERYTHING we have to eat is carbohydrate and sodium laden and i feel even more huge than usual, bloated and gross and worrying that my blood pressure is through the roof. i have always seen a close relationship between how i feel physically and emotionally with what i eat. It's not just a matter of wanting the foods i like better but of needing fresh produce and proteins to feel functionally healthy. i understand they are not possible right now but my body is craving them.
There's also an emotional craving. i NEVER feel full even though i am definitely taking in far more calories than i had been when we had healthier options here. i want to eat because i'm stressed and because i'm not eating items which are satisfying taste and texture-wise. i'm spoiled on this front. i get that. we HAVE food. It's not as if there isn't always something to eat. i can't isolate how much of it is a legitimate physical response to what i'm eating and how much of it is my being accustomed to sedating myself with food and to being selective with it. It's irrelevant since neither of those are options just now.
The last item in the title. Sex. i want to have sex. i've been pining for Jason the past few days, missing him and wanting him. i've been wanting something from rau but i'm not even sure what. Maybe just a bit of respect and common courtesy before a final goodbye. i don't have a clue what i want from Master. If He doesn't touch me, i feel totally repulsive and disgusting. But if He does, in play or in emotional support, i resist Him and push Him away. It's as if we've gotten into this pattern and i don't know how to break free of it but it doesn't allow for ANY happy outcome. i don't want Him near me out of pity and now i ALWAYS think it is pity. Either He doesn't touch me and i feel rejected or He does and i feel as if it is a sympathetic gesture which feels obligatory to Him. i'd rather feel rejected than pitied.
And what is my role anyhow? He told pink that she didn't have to ask to hug Him because shows of affection towards one's Master are always welcome. i don't know how much that "always" was actually true. i never approach Him, even just with a casual hug, and that's not like me. i guess it goes back to preferring rejection to pity but not so entirely that i wouldn't as soon just avoid both and remain in my own little mode of isolation and then whine here about being confused as to why i'm lonely and pining for something more than my own hand.
In any case, i need SOMETHING to be different sexually but i don't know what or from where/whom this change needs to come. It IS a need though, not merely a want. Even if it is largely of my own creation, it is getting to me and on my mind a LOT and a huge source of upset. Craigslist ad: Replacement rau wanted. Must stick around.
i'm sure there are a million more things on my mind but i'm feeling blogged out at the moment.
I'll work backwards from the title. Money. i am majorly stressed about money and thinking about the financial situation here in a lot of different ways. Part of the problem is that i've never been one to take a leap of faith and count chickens which aren't yet hatched. Hell, i don't even count chickens in a Perdue package in the grocery bag in the car on the way home from the supermarket. Who knows? There could be a car accident. They could spoil before i get home. They could be stolen by chicken thieves. Hmmm, i may be just a bit tangential here. In any case, relying on something that has not yet come to fruition is neither in my experience nor in my nature.
So... Part of me is constantly resentful that Master isn't currently and actively doing more to bring in income, especially when i am constantly sending out resumes and interviewing and babysitting and scoring us stuff from Craig's list to help us get by. i feel as if He is just waiting and that it is unfair and i really don't give a fuck at times that i am not entitled to any sort of fairness. There are things i want and things i need and i'm spoiled. i'm not used to doing without things at as great a level as i am right now, especially medically. i worry that Master's plans will never take off, either because He doesn't act on them or because they just don't work out. i worry that finances will all be on me, as it feels like they are now, and that i'll never be able to do an adequate job of it. i worry that i'll never be able to send money to help support my kids. i worry that the health problems i already have and those i am at high risk for will cause all sorts of challenges with which i won't be able to cope. i worry!
On the other hand, since i've been here Master has brought in thousands while i haven't brought in even $200. So who should be looking at whom as not contributing enough? i am NOT entitled to fairness and i can't expect situational entitlement. Regardless of what actually does happen, since no one has a working crystal ball, Master has every intention of moving forward with His plans at developing an income next month. i believe in His intentions. i know He will be happy if they work out and unhappy if they don't or can't. i know He'd be unhappy in a traditional job and i don't want Him to be unhappy or trying to fill some role that's not Him, ESPECIALLY due to me. But then i stress over using what little money there will be taht we KNOW we have to start up His plans and not being able to use it for the things we need or to send to my kids. Unhatched chickens. Stress.
Moving backwards through the title. Drugs. Without money, i'm off a LOT of my medications or on drastically decreased dosages of them, including the total cessation of all psychiatric ones a little while back. Some of it is causing problems, not the least of which is that i don't have the means to confirm or deny these problems so i stress over them. I know my diabetes is way out of whack. my toes are numb and tingling, my fingers intermittently do the same to the point that i can't do what i want to do like when i was working on puzzles or sewing that stupid thing for the Carroll's, i am thirsty a lot and dizzy sometimes and feeling crappy in a physical way. And that is from just ONE of my NUMEROUS medical conditions. It's even more frustrating because, in that instance, i have some of the meds and supplies i need but no way to test my blood sugar in order to safely adjust them.
i know that diet plays a big role in how i'm feeling too. EVERYTHING we have to eat is carbohydrate and sodium laden and i feel even more huge than usual, bloated and gross and worrying that my blood pressure is through the roof. i have always seen a close relationship between how i feel physically and emotionally with what i eat. It's not just a matter of wanting the foods i like better but of needing fresh produce and proteins to feel functionally healthy. i understand they are not possible right now but my body is craving them.
There's also an emotional craving. i NEVER feel full even though i am definitely taking in far more calories than i had been when we had healthier options here. i want to eat because i'm stressed and because i'm not eating items which are satisfying taste and texture-wise. i'm spoiled on this front. i get that. we HAVE food. It's not as if there isn't always something to eat. i can't isolate how much of it is a legitimate physical response to what i'm eating and how much of it is my being accustomed to sedating myself with food and to being selective with it. It's irrelevant since neither of those are options just now.
The last item in the title. Sex. i want to have sex. i've been pining for Jason the past few days, missing him and wanting him. i've been wanting something from rau but i'm not even sure what. Maybe just a bit of respect and common courtesy before a final goodbye. i don't have a clue what i want from Master. If He doesn't touch me, i feel totally repulsive and disgusting. But if He does, in play or in emotional support, i resist Him and push Him away. It's as if we've gotten into this pattern and i don't know how to break free of it but it doesn't allow for ANY happy outcome. i don't want Him near me out of pity and now i ALWAYS think it is pity. Either He doesn't touch me and i feel rejected or He does and i feel as if it is a sympathetic gesture which feels obligatory to Him. i'd rather feel rejected than pitied.
And what is my role anyhow? He told pink that she didn't have to ask to hug Him because shows of affection towards one's Master are always welcome. i don't know how much that "always" was actually true. i never approach Him, even just with a casual hug, and that's not like me. i guess it goes back to preferring rejection to pity but not so entirely that i wouldn't as soon just avoid both and remain in my own little mode of isolation and then whine here about being confused as to why i'm lonely and pining for something more than my own hand.
In any case, i need SOMETHING to be different sexually but i don't know what or from where/whom this change needs to come. It IS a need though, not merely a want. Even if it is largely of my own creation, it is getting to me and on my mind a LOT and a huge source of upset. Craigslist ad: Replacement rau wanted. Must stick around.
i'm sure there are a million more things on my mind but i'm feeling blogged out at the moment.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Willow's Sixteenth Birthday and Adult Wisdom
Mirei P
thats good...i was worried reading it. (This blog)
nouhandlefortoo
Why?
Mirei P
i know you can do so much better, and i wonder why you're holding back.
nouhandlefortoo
What you anticipate and what actually is are not the same.
Mirei P
but so much is going on...those were my own thoughts nou...its all justifiable.
nouhandlefortoo
Screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me is NOT going to be justifiable even if there's a lot going on
There are reasons for the struggles but that doesn't make them okay
Mirei P
you're right...and i know you can do better. But you're choosing not to whether you know it or not...and i refuse to believe that. Events going on in your life seems to balance the blame...but i've been here long enough to know that what you are doing is unacceptable.
...i look up to you all the same. i know things will smooth out.
nouhandlefortoo
If i could just do better, i wouldn't need a collar. i need Master to make me do better and the more obnoxious i get, the more i need that from Him. i hit a new low in obnoxious yesterday and He snapped right into Master mode and put a stop to it. That's why i'm so calm today. i'm not challenging Him. i know where the lines are drawn and am not pushing at them. This is what feels safe to me. It always has, even in my own head when i was a scared little eight year old. i'm not of the same mentality as most slaves, i don't think, but this works for me.
Mirei P
i understand you nou...but i think you need to fill in some of those lines for yourself...empowerment, freedom in your own closure. Master doesn't like hurting you, you know this.
you have to rather...things will even out.
nouhandlefortoo
He hates it. His hating it is what makes it so bad for me.
Mirei P
to see Him unhappy>
?
nouhandlefortoo
To know that i have forced His hand and pushed Him to do something that upsets Him, yes
thats good...i was worried reading it. (This blog)
nouhandlefortoo
Why?
Mirei P
i know you can do so much better, and i wonder why you're holding back.
nouhandlefortoo
What you anticipate and what actually is are not the same.
Mirei P
but so much is going on...those were my own thoughts nou...its all justifiable.
nouhandlefortoo
Screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me is NOT going to be justifiable even if there's a lot going on
There are reasons for the struggles but that doesn't make them okay
Mirei P
you're right...and i know you can do better. But you're choosing not to whether you know it or not...and i refuse to believe that. Events going on in your life seems to balance the blame...but i've been here long enough to know that what you are doing is unacceptable.
...i look up to you all the same. i know things will smooth out.
nouhandlefortoo
If i could just do better, i wouldn't need a collar. i need Master to make me do better and the more obnoxious i get, the more i need that from Him. i hit a new low in obnoxious yesterday and He snapped right into Master mode and put a stop to it. That's why i'm so calm today. i'm not challenging Him. i know where the lines are drawn and am not pushing at them. This is what feels safe to me. It always has, even in my own head when i was a scared little eight year old. i'm not of the same mentality as most slaves, i don't think, but this works for me.
Mirei P
i understand you nou...but i think you need to fill in some of those lines for yourself...empowerment, freedom in your own closure. Master doesn't like hurting you, you know this.
you have to rather...things will even out.
nouhandlefortoo
He hates it. His hating it is what makes it so bad for me.
Mirei P
to see Him unhappy>
?
nouhandlefortoo
To know that i have forced His hand and pushed Him to do something that upsets Him, yes
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