i don't know what else to do with myself so i just keep blogging. i always forget about the particular state i am in now although it always follows my screwing up big with Master. i reach a point of being totally uneasy and insecure. i worry that things can't or won't get back to where they were before in terms of His wanting me, loving me. i worry that i'm too damaged not to just do this again if they do... and then i start to think dark thoughts.
i wish Master would sign on. i know He's at work but i wish He was here. i don't care how. i'd rather have Him here screaming at me, whipping me even, than being away and leaving my imagination to run wild. i don't care how i'm with with Him. i just need to be with Him. i guess i want to feel like things are moving in the right direction instead of me just stagnating in this place where i feel as if i've alienated Master and everyone else and don't deserve them back.
The reason i blogged this particular entry is so that i can read back and remember it the next time i want to speak first and think later. Bad idea nou! Don't do it! The fallout sucks!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Needing to Get the Casualty Count Down
Master feels... i won't presume to know what exactly but something unpleasant and undeserved... because of me. Ossy feels crummy because of me, in his own words. rau called and wanted to help and i had to hang up because i was crying and don't know HOW to let anyone help me. v knew what was going on so she had to have been worrying about Master if not me too. All of this has me feeling lower than dirt and wanting to damage Master's property. i wouldn't dare. That's not my point. my point is that i HAVE to find a way to go through whatever it is i go through without hurting anyone else. my actions today have been totally unfair and selfish.
Familiarity if not Comfort
Well, i've been catapulted back to a state i know well, though not from recent months. Master is rightfully furious with me and i don't know how long that will last or what the repercussions will be. i fell asleep before and when i woke up for just a moment i felt better than i have in days. Then the memories of what i'd done flooded back in. But for a moment i knew that the state of insane delirium had been broken and i was myself again.
Ossy IMed me trying to help but she wound up saying something that i totally and unfairly went off on her for. i cursed at her like a little kid. i was just so emotionally spent that i couldn't even formulate a more appropriate response. Master IMed me right afterward, as i had begun this blog, and i told Him what i'd done. i knew He wouldn't like it but i was so happy that He was even willing to talk to me. And somehow there's something that feels reassuring about confessing to Him.
He told me to IM an apology to Ossy which i would have done anyway. He had me frame it in terms of my being out of line for talking to her as i had because she is Free and i am slave. That isn't how i would have framed it, largely because i don't think Ossy will be as receptive to it as to one that was stated differently. It didn't matter. Master ordered it, i obeyed. Serenity. There is such a sense of peace in just unquestioningly obeying Him.
That made me think that maybe i lost my mind today, after a build-up of several days en route to doing so, in order to regain the feeling of security and ease that comes when i am in trouble with Master. Why don't i feel that way when everything is fine? i do feel it but not to this extent. i guess in any area of my life, i don't know how to cope with the good nearly as well as the bad. Being in trouble seems to fit me. Being in Master's good favor almost feels as if it isn't really me or should be someone else.
Before, after, even while under the whip, there is no doubt in my mind who is whom and where i belong. How do i find that without needing the punishment? It's not even the punishment. i think i actually want the punishment at this point. But how do i find that state of mind without victimizing Master or anyone else in order to get it? How do i let myself be successful as kajira, as anything, without ultimately sabotaging it?
i guess this ties into my not liking to be thanked or praised or things of that sort. i don't know what to do with the supposedly good feelings. i don't know how to feel them. They are so foreign and i am so inexperienced with them that i just can't even deal with them. That has been consistent in all areas of my life. This is just how it's playing out now. It's a hurdle i need to find a way to leap.
i'm also supposed to blog today about why i can't make a decision such as blowing off work without first seeking Master's approval. That is simple enough. i am His property. His truck doesn't decide whether to drive itself to work on any given day. Master does. Well i don't decide either. It is expected that i will go unless Master agrees otherwise. If i had been sick or had a legitimate excuse, it would have been different. i had spent time with Master fully intending to skip work and not mentioning it to Him. In retrospect, of course He was angered by that. It should have been easy enough for me to foresee. i won't make the error again and i'll generalize it to other situations.
i don't know what else to say right now except that i feel, for lack of a more appealing analogy, as if i'd been a festering wound for the past several days and now i'm oozing pus everywhere... pretty gross but on the road to recovering.
Ossy IMed me trying to help but she wound up saying something that i totally and unfairly went off on her for. i cursed at her like a little kid. i was just so emotionally spent that i couldn't even formulate a more appropriate response. Master IMed me right afterward, as i had begun this blog, and i told Him what i'd done. i knew He wouldn't like it but i was so happy that He was even willing to talk to me. And somehow there's something that feels reassuring about confessing to Him.
He told me to IM an apology to Ossy which i would have done anyway. He had me frame it in terms of my being out of line for talking to her as i had because she is Free and i am slave. That isn't how i would have framed it, largely because i don't think Ossy will be as receptive to it as to one that was stated differently. It didn't matter. Master ordered it, i obeyed. Serenity. There is such a sense of peace in just unquestioningly obeying Him.
That made me think that maybe i lost my mind today, after a build-up of several days en route to doing so, in order to regain the feeling of security and ease that comes when i am in trouble with Master. Why don't i feel that way when everything is fine? i do feel it but not to this extent. i guess in any area of my life, i don't know how to cope with the good nearly as well as the bad. Being in trouble seems to fit me. Being in Master's good favor almost feels as if it isn't really me or should be someone else.
Before, after, even while under the whip, there is no doubt in my mind who is whom and where i belong. How do i find that without needing the punishment? It's not even the punishment. i think i actually want the punishment at this point. But how do i find that state of mind without victimizing Master or anyone else in order to get it? How do i let myself be successful as kajira, as anything, without ultimately sabotaging it?
i guess this ties into my not liking to be thanked or praised or things of that sort. i don't know what to do with the supposedly good feelings. i don't know how to feel them. They are so foreign and i am so inexperienced with them that i just can't even deal with them. That has been consistent in all areas of my life. This is just how it's playing out now. It's a hurdle i need to find a way to leap.
i'm also supposed to blog today about why i can't make a decision such as blowing off work without first seeking Master's approval. That is simple enough. i am His property. His truck doesn't decide whether to drive itself to work on any given day. Master does. Well i don't decide either. It is expected that i will go unless Master agrees otherwise. If i had been sick or had a legitimate excuse, it would have been different. i had spent time with Master fully intending to skip work and not mentioning it to Him. In retrospect, of course He was angered by that. It should have been easy enough for me to foresee. i won't make the error again and i'll generalize it to other situations.
i don't know what else to say right now except that i feel, for lack of a more appealing analogy, as if i'd been a festering wound for the past several days and now i'm oozing pus everywhere... pretty gross but on the road to recovering.
Something is Wrong... SERIOUSLY, MAJORLY WRONG!
i don't know what it is and i don't know what to do about it but it has been building for several days and it is threatening to destroy everything. The thing is... i WANT it to. i just want to ruin everything and it has taken every bit of self-control to refrain from doing just that. i want to get fired from work. i want to curse out Master. i want to just sever every tie i have anywhere.
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After i wrote that, Master IMed me. He tried to understand what i'm feeling and to help me. i didn't let HIm. i countered everything He said with something disrespectful, confrontational, and oppositional. i flat out told Him "no". i said that nothing was real in my life including Him. i told Him i didn't care what He did to me. When i felt He MIGHT have been alluding to taking my collar, i told Him to take it and i signed off.
i signed back on almost instantly but, even then, there were shadows of my belligerent self lurking. i begged to stay in His collar because somewhere inside, the rational me knew she'd be lost without it, without Him. i feel possessed, as if everything is surreal. Even sounds don't sound like they should. Sensations don't feel as they should. Nothing looks quite right. It's all askew, everything, only JUST enough for me to know that it's not as it should be. i don't know how to explain it. It's almost like i'm hallucinating. Maybe i am. It's not just my thoughts but my perceptions, my sensory observations. i'm so screwed up. There should be some sanity requirement for kajirae. i'd never meet it.
Master wants to know the reason behind my egregious behavior. i have a couple of theories beyond the obvious fact that i'm just out of my mind in general and the chemicals must be flaring this week. One is that i don't cope well with changes. i never have. i've always been someone who was more apt to remain in a situation which sucked rather than venturing into the risky unknown to seek out a better one. Seems a bit incongruous with going to Master, doesn't it?
i'm starting to more acutely feel the stress of that upcoming change. That has resulted in all the smaller changes feeling grossly magnified. Everything with Master's many SL lives and with v and with rau have seemed a lot bigger than they probably should. No one thing has bothered me a great deal but i think the cumulative total has me totally overwhelmed. Also, the enormity of going to Master and the changes that will entail has been hitting home in new ways. i discussed with a colleague details of terminating my job and that was upsetting. A lot of things that i had put off as "thens" are becoming "nows" and it is very hard to drag myself through the discomfort of them every day.
That is what is going on with me. What has been going on with Master is that He has been absolutely amazing lately. He has been so giving of Himself and incredibly patient and understanding with me. He has gone out of His way to be generous with His time and liberal with His tolerance. He has opted to allow me all i've asked in terms of freedoms and privileges, seldom refusing any of my requests.
i'm ashamed of how i treated Him today. He was encouraging me and i struck out at HIm. He was praising me for fighting off the bleakness in a way i've never been able or willing before. In return, i did not treat Him as Master. i didn't even address Him as Master. i just tried to shut Him out but that's not possible. He is such an integral part of who i am today, on and offline.
Beyond the threat of having my collar taken, beyond the threat of punishment -a great deal of which i'm sure will be forthcoming including the whip -, i am aching foremost because i hurt Him. It wasn't even in the heat of a fight, which would still be unacceptable since Master is right simply by virtue of being Master. It was while He was trying to help me gain self-awareness and appreciate my gains and combat the lingering depression that He has already helped me with so much.
A kajira does not treat her Master as i did Him, not EVER. He inherently deserves better because He is Master but, beyond that, taking His due status off the table for the moment, He has earned better. i don't mean that Master needs to earn appropriate treatment from me. He most definitely does not, nor does any Master from His kajira. i guess what i'm trying to say is that if His being Master didn't already dictate the level of respect due Him, which it does, His actions would have earned Him that respect many times over anyhow.
He has borne the brunt of many of my tantrums and bouts of depression and seen me through incredible strife, guiding me so that i could handle it as i never have before. i have not cut once since being in Master's collar. How dare i take the help He tried to offer today and turn around to mistreat Him? He knows better than i do. i trust Him. He has given me a new world, one with love and hope. Yet i still lost sight of that and was totally rude and combative with Him.
i thought that was over. i'd expected and demanded better of myself on His behalf and had delivered for a little while. This fall hurts. my own notecard applies to me. i did everything i warn everyone else not to do and i feel totally unworthy. i told Master that i couldn't feel anything earlier, that i couldn't even cry. Well, my tears are flowing now. i am so sorry for how i treated HIm. i know i have to be careful here because feeling this bad makes me want to kill or cut myself. rau just called and i hung up. i couldn't even talk, just started crying harder.
My Master, i beg your forgiveness for letting ANYTHING get in the way of my absolute obedience toward you which includes the respect which i am to show you at all times. i offer thanks to you for seeing fit to allowing me to remain in your collar and embrace whatever punishments you choose to inflict upon me. They are deserved. i recognize You as my owner, and He who is both right and in charge of my every action. i want and need nothing beyond being yours so that i may serve You and, in doing so, continue to grow as i can only at Your kneel. i beg You, my Master, to give me opportunity to show You that i mean what i say. my attitude is gone. Property does not have an attitude. Property obeys absolutely and with respect.
i love you, my Master.
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After i wrote that, Master IMed me. He tried to understand what i'm feeling and to help me. i didn't let HIm. i countered everything He said with something disrespectful, confrontational, and oppositional. i flat out told Him "no". i said that nothing was real in my life including Him. i told Him i didn't care what He did to me. When i felt He MIGHT have been alluding to taking my collar, i told Him to take it and i signed off.
i signed back on almost instantly but, even then, there were shadows of my belligerent self lurking. i begged to stay in His collar because somewhere inside, the rational me knew she'd be lost without it, without Him. i feel possessed, as if everything is surreal. Even sounds don't sound like they should. Sensations don't feel as they should. Nothing looks quite right. It's all askew, everything, only JUST enough for me to know that it's not as it should be. i don't know how to explain it. It's almost like i'm hallucinating. Maybe i am. It's not just my thoughts but my perceptions, my sensory observations. i'm so screwed up. There should be some sanity requirement for kajirae. i'd never meet it.
Master wants to know the reason behind my egregious behavior. i have a couple of theories beyond the obvious fact that i'm just out of my mind in general and the chemicals must be flaring this week. One is that i don't cope well with changes. i never have. i've always been someone who was more apt to remain in a situation which sucked rather than venturing into the risky unknown to seek out a better one. Seems a bit incongruous with going to Master, doesn't it?
i'm starting to more acutely feel the stress of that upcoming change. That has resulted in all the smaller changes feeling grossly magnified. Everything with Master's many SL lives and with v and with rau have seemed a lot bigger than they probably should. No one thing has bothered me a great deal but i think the cumulative total has me totally overwhelmed. Also, the enormity of going to Master and the changes that will entail has been hitting home in new ways. i discussed with a colleague details of terminating my job and that was upsetting. A lot of things that i had put off as "thens" are becoming "nows" and it is very hard to drag myself through the discomfort of them every day.
That is what is going on with me. What has been going on with Master is that He has been absolutely amazing lately. He has been so giving of Himself and incredibly patient and understanding with me. He has gone out of His way to be generous with His time and liberal with His tolerance. He has opted to allow me all i've asked in terms of freedoms and privileges, seldom refusing any of my requests.
i'm ashamed of how i treated Him today. He was encouraging me and i struck out at HIm. He was praising me for fighting off the bleakness in a way i've never been able or willing before. In return, i did not treat Him as Master. i didn't even address Him as Master. i just tried to shut Him out but that's not possible. He is such an integral part of who i am today, on and offline.
Beyond the threat of having my collar taken, beyond the threat of punishment -a great deal of which i'm sure will be forthcoming including the whip -, i am aching foremost because i hurt Him. It wasn't even in the heat of a fight, which would still be unacceptable since Master is right simply by virtue of being Master. It was while He was trying to help me gain self-awareness and appreciate my gains and combat the lingering depression that He has already helped me with so much.
A kajira does not treat her Master as i did Him, not EVER. He inherently deserves better because He is Master but, beyond that, taking His due status off the table for the moment, He has earned better. i don't mean that Master needs to earn appropriate treatment from me. He most definitely does not, nor does any Master from His kajira. i guess what i'm trying to say is that if His being Master didn't already dictate the level of respect due Him, which it does, His actions would have earned Him that respect many times over anyhow.
He has borne the brunt of many of my tantrums and bouts of depression and seen me through incredible strife, guiding me so that i could handle it as i never have before. i have not cut once since being in Master's collar. How dare i take the help He tried to offer today and turn around to mistreat Him? He knows better than i do. i trust Him. He has given me a new world, one with love and hope. Yet i still lost sight of that and was totally rude and combative with Him.
i thought that was over. i'd expected and demanded better of myself on His behalf and had delivered for a little while. This fall hurts. my own notecard applies to me. i did everything i warn everyone else not to do and i feel totally unworthy. i told Master that i couldn't feel anything earlier, that i couldn't even cry. Well, my tears are flowing now. i am so sorry for how i treated HIm. i know i have to be careful here because feeling this bad makes me want to kill or cut myself. rau just called and i hung up. i couldn't even talk, just started crying harder.
My Master, i beg your forgiveness for letting ANYTHING get in the way of my absolute obedience toward you which includes the respect which i am to show you at all times. i offer thanks to you for seeing fit to allowing me to remain in your collar and embrace whatever punishments you choose to inflict upon me. They are deserved. i recognize You as my owner, and He who is both right and in charge of my every action. i want and need nothing beyond being yours so that i may serve You and, in doing so, continue to grow as i can only at Your kneel. i beg You, my Master, to give me opportunity to show You that i mean what i say. my attitude is gone. Property does not have an attitude. Property obeys absolutely and with respect.
i love you, my Master.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Lot on my Mind and NOT Wanting to Blog
Well, those are the sure signs i need to blog so here goes:
Wow. i don't even know where to start. First of all... To v or not to v. That is the question. The others who have left Master haven't come back, i haven't care about them, and/or they'd burned bridges in my mind and i'd never given them another real chance anyhow. And then there's v, in a class unto herself. she returned, no bridges burned, and i forced myself to give her another chance.
i say that i forced myself because it did take effort. i was on the fence and consciously decided to look past the recent history and regard her like the old v. It was fun just being stupid and silly with her. It felt good. But then yesterday when she misbehaved, it made me worry about her leaving again or only being back in a half-assed sort of way again. For some it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Screw that. If it's ultimately going to hurt me, i'd rather avoid it altogether right from the start.
i do realize what a hypocrite i am. When i was misbehaving every twelve seconds, v never wavered in how she regarded me, at least not TO me. i'm tempted to expound upon how things were totally different in those instances, and they WERE in many ways, but i also know my tendency to think that things are different for everyone else than they are for me which is just a little too REALLY-FUCKING-ARROGANT for my comfort. i'm trying to avoid that, now and in general.
In any case, the real v is back... i think... or is she... and for how long? These are some of the questions weighing on my mind along with the implications of the potential answers. What will they mean for Master and for me? And as the countdown dwindles, everything seems all the more important. This is one of those only-time-will-tell situations though, a waiting game. i hate those!
Also on my mind is rau. Something is up with her but i have absolutely no idea what. It's not any one things. i know the details and challenges of her real life, at least as far as she has shared them. i don't know if she's depressed or preoccupied or we're growing apart or what. i miss her! i miss the rau i used to spend time with. i fear that it was my own shortcomings which alienated her.
i didn't contact her yesterday nor did she contact me. i'm not sure why. i wanted to contact her but it seems as if i've been initiating it a lot lately and maybe i'm pushing her toward something she no longer wants. she didn't respond to my last two texts. On the other hand, there had been times when i was a mess and she absolutely continued to contact and reassure me. i love her and want her and need her. i question none of that and hope she knows it. i need to tell her so that she WILL know it. i just don't want to inflict myself on her if that is not her wish and she is too nice to make it known more blatantly. If she is struggling at a personal level that has nothing to do with me then i will absolutely help her ride it out and be there as she does and after. i just don't know and i'm not even certain she does.
i guess those are the biggest parts of what's bothering me, at least the ones which i feel safe blogging about. i owe Master thanks for allowing me to kennel last night, even though i didn't sign off until an hour later, rather than pushing me to talk about what was bothering me. In that hour, i calmed down a lot and figured out what some of the things on that list were. i might have been unable to do so had He not and i fear that i might have been belligerent to Him which is NOT my wish.
i still need to express some feelings about other things but this will have to do for now. A nap awaits. The futon beckons.
Wow. i don't even know where to start. First of all... To v or not to v. That is the question. The others who have left Master haven't come back, i haven't care about them, and/or they'd burned bridges in my mind and i'd never given them another real chance anyhow. And then there's v, in a class unto herself. she returned, no bridges burned, and i forced myself to give her another chance.
i say that i forced myself because it did take effort. i was on the fence and consciously decided to look past the recent history and regard her like the old v. It was fun just being stupid and silly with her. It felt good. But then yesterday when she misbehaved, it made me worry about her leaving again or only being back in a half-assed sort of way again. For some it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Screw that. If it's ultimately going to hurt me, i'd rather avoid it altogether right from the start.
i do realize what a hypocrite i am. When i was misbehaving every twelve seconds, v never wavered in how she regarded me, at least not TO me. i'm tempted to expound upon how things were totally different in those instances, and they WERE in many ways, but i also know my tendency to think that things are different for everyone else than they are for me which is just a little too REALLY-FUCKING-ARROGANT for my comfort. i'm trying to avoid that, now and in general.
In any case, the real v is back... i think... or is she... and for how long? These are some of the questions weighing on my mind along with the implications of the potential answers. What will they mean for Master and for me? And as the countdown dwindles, everything seems all the more important. This is one of those only-time-will-tell situations though, a waiting game. i hate those!
Also on my mind is rau. Something is up with her but i have absolutely no idea what. It's not any one things. i know the details and challenges of her real life, at least as far as she has shared them. i don't know if she's depressed or preoccupied or we're growing apart or what. i miss her! i miss the rau i used to spend time with. i fear that it was my own shortcomings which alienated her.
i didn't contact her yesterday nor did she contact me. i'm not sure why. i wanted to contact her but it seems as if i've been initiating it a lot lately and maybe i'm pushing her toward something she no longer wants. she didn't respond to my last two texts. On the other hand, there had been times when i was a mess and she absolutely continued to contact and reassure me. i love her and want her and need her. i question none of that and hope she knows it. i need to tell her so that she WILL know it. i just don't want to inflict myself on her if that is not her wish and she is too nice to make it known more blatantly. If she is struggling at a personal level that has nothing to do with me then i will absolutely help her ride it out and be there as she does and after. i just don't know and i'm not even certain she does.
i guess those are the biggest parts of what's bothering me, at least the ones which i feel safe blogging about. i owe Master thanks for allowing me to kennel last night, even though i didn't sign off until an hour later, rather than pushing me to talk about what was bothering me. In that hour, i calmed down a lot and figured out what some of the things on that list were. i might have been unable to do so had He not and i fear that i might have been belligerent to Him which is NOT my wish.
i still need to express some feelings about other things but this will have to do for now. A nap awaits. The futon beckons.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Sleep
i slept SO well when j and the boys were away but, since a day or two before they returned home, my sleep has been unrestful and interrupted and tainted with bad dreams. i stayed up until seven this morning because i didn't want to go to sleep. i hate it when i get into phases like that. my greatest respite becomes as much of an aggressor as my reality. Then i take the state of mind from my dream and carry it with me into my waking hours until i finally snap out of it, IF i snap out of it.
i have no idea what i may have dreamed this morning but i woke up dead certain that there is no way i can or will stop the picking. i was at the point where i'm dead certain that, had i seen Master, i'd have told Him i can't come to Him rl because of it. It's really bad. Maybe if He'd give me some part that's okay to pick at i'd be okay but stopping cold turkey just has me unable to think of anything except wanting to pick. Even medications from my shrink have never been able to touch this OCD piece. i guess it can't stop until i believe it can and i'm willing to let go of it. i'm not sure how to find that state within my head and i know i'm resisting it.
i think i dreamed that i got whipped for being a bitch to lucy today. Could happen. i didn't care in the dream and i don't now. One of my recurrent issues with Master is His continuing ties to those involved in conflicts from His past. i love Him dearly. He has my undivided loyalty. i would NEVER show ANY hesitance to side with Him publicly and defend Him to the death. i have never shied away from speaking or acting on His behalf.
The thing is, He invites the conflict upon Himself with the actions He takes and i've also never been willing to blindly "yes" Him and lead Him to believe i think otherwise. He has been savagely hurt and egregiously wronged. There is no question as to that. But that makes Him feel justified in doing things which perpetuate the problems. Those with whom He has conflicts also feel wronged and justified so it's an unending pissing match which gets very tiresome. It makes Him cranky. It makes Him unreasonable. It makes Him doubt me.
i know that life with Master is based upon His agenda and certainly not mine. It is His right to act in ways i find irritating just as it is His right to be cranky and unreasonable and doubtful of me. That doesn't make it any less pleasant for me to deal with especially since it has become so predictably cyclic at this point.
1. i watch Him make an aggressive move which He justifies based upon a comparably aggressive move which was made upon Him.
2. Then He backs off, feeling as if it is over with Him having gotten in "last licks".
3. Sooner or later the others inevitably retaliate which leaves Master infuriated, hurt, and rehashing old incidents. It also leaves Him sure they started with Him since He had backed off and His last move was justified. He never seems to look at the fact that the others feel equally justified, regardless of whether they have reason to do so.
4. Master rants and raves and vents His frustration, often on me. i bite my tongue but refuse to "yes" Him. If i do suggest He let it be over, He says i'm taking their side.
5. Master decides it is over once and for all... finally... period... and then feels compelled to make one "last" move which brings us right back to step one again.
It used to scare me when all this happened, to make me feel insecure and unsettled. Now it has gotten so perfunctory that it's almost boring, a non-event. i wouldn't even care if it didn't involve watching Master bring hurt upon Himself. i hate seeing Him in pain and He IS in pain when the past is revisited and new difficulties transpire. i used to think the solution was as elementary as His just ceasing to make another move, biting the bullet, being the bigger person, and just letting it end. It's only recently that i've realized i was wrong about this. It is not as simple as that because Master and those from His past travel in many of the same circles online and there is significant overlap in who knows whom. To avoid individuals common to both Him and them would be an impossibility at this point without His seriously curtailing His activities. There is a huge ripple effect and it is inevitable that someone does something that impacts the other. Feelings are hurt, toes thought to be stepped upon, and the cycle continues. It is what it is but i needed to vent about it.
That brings me to the last item on my list of things i've wanted to blog about. That item is rau. Master says He loves rau and wants her and has every intention of collaring her rl. rau says she loves Master and wants to serve Him and has every intention of seeking His rl collar. i love Master and will be in His rl collar in 174 days. i love rau and SO look forward to serving Master with her. Sounds perfect, right? No problem. Only Master and rau never seem to communicate with one another and i worry about their lack of interaction. i guess i have a preconceived notion of what their relationship should be and it doesn't fit that framework. If it's working for them, i should leave it alone. It's a non-issue, something i am choosing to stress about without sound reason. But i'm not sure it IS working for them. i feel as if i want to be facilitating something but also know it's not my place to do so. rau will be a superlative rl slave but she's not necessarily suited to being an online one in a way that fits Master's tendency toward down time. i don't know. i love and want and need them both. i guess i'm just worried because rau is so important to me.
Well, no snappy ending again but i do feel as if i got out whatever had been building in my mind. One of my dreams this morning was having lost my car keys and being unable to find them and not knowing what to do. Maybe this expression of writing was all i actually needed to find and enough of an outlet that i don't need to do much more than that. Yeah right! As if things would ever be that simple. i think i'll just end this here, sit back, and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
i have no idea what i may have dreamed this morning but i woke up dead certain that there is no way i can or will stop the picking. i was at the point where i'm dead certain that, had i seen Master, i'd have told Him i can't come to Him rl because of it. It's really bad. Maybe if He'd give me some part that's okay to pick at i'd be okay but stopping cold turkey just has me unable to think of anything except wanting to pick. Even medications from my shrink have never been able to touch this OCD piece. i guess it can't stop until i believe it can and i'm willing to let go of it. i'm not sure how to find that state within my head and i know i'm resisting it.
i think i dreamed that i got whipped for being a bitch to lucy today. Could happen. i didn't care in the dream and i don't now. One of my recurrent issues with Master is His continuing ties to those involved in conflicts from His past. i love Him dearly. He has my undivided loyalty. i would NEVER show ANY hesitance to side with Him publicly and defend Him to the death. i have never shied away from speaking or acting on His behalf.
The thing is, He invites the conflict upon Himself with the actions He takes and i've also never been willing to blindly "yes" Him and lead Him to believe i think otherwise. He has been savagely hurt and egregiously wronged. There is no question as to that. But that makes Him feel justified in doing things which perpetuate the problems. Those with whom He has conflicts also feel wronged and justified so it's an unending pissing match which gets very tiresome. It makes Him cranky. It makes Him unreasonable. It makes Him doubt me.
i know that life with Master is based upon His agenda and certainly not mine. It is His right to act in ways i find irritating just as it is His right to be cranky and unreasonable and doubtful of me. That doesn't make it any less pleasant for me to deal with especially since it has become so predictably cyclic at this point.
1. i watch Him make an aggressive move which He justifies based upon a comparably aggressive move which was made upon Him.
2. Then He backs off, feeling as if it is over with Him having gotten in "last licks".
3. Sooner or later the others inevitably retaliate which leaves Master infuriated, hurt, and rehashing old incidents. It also leaves Him sure they started with Him since He had backed off and His last move was justified. He never seems to look at the fact that the others feel equally justified, regardless of whether they have reason to do so.
4. Master rants and raves and vents His frustration, often on me. i bite my tongue but refuse to "yes" Him. If i do suggest He let it be over, He says i'm taking their side.
5. Master decides it is over once and for all... finally... period... and then feels compelled to make one "last" move which brings us right back to step one again.
It used to scare me when all this happened, to make me feel insecure and unsettled. Now it has gotten so perfunctory that it's almost boring, a non-event. i wouldn't even care if it didn't involve watching Master bring hurt upon Himself. i hate seeing Him in pain and He IS in pain when the past is revisited and new difficulties transpire. i used to think the solution was as elementary as His just ceasing to make another move, biting the bullet, being the bigger person, and just letting it end. It's only recently that i've realized i was wrong about this. It is not as simple as that because Master and those from His past travel in many of the same circles online and there is significant overlap in who knows whom. To avoid individuals common to both Him and them would be an impossibility at this point without His seriously curtailing His activities. There is a huge ripple effect and it is inevitable that someone does something that impacts the other. Feelings are hurt, toes thought to be stepped upon, and the cycle continues. It is what it is but i needed to vent about it.
That brings me to the last item on my list of things i've wanted to blog about. That item is rau. Master says He loves rau and wants her and has every intention of collaring her rl. rau says she loves Master and wants to serve Him and has every intention of seeking His rl collar. i love Master and will be in His rl collar in 174 days. i love rau and SO look forward to serving Master with her. Sounds perfect, right? No problem. Only Master and rau never seem to communicate with one another and i worry about their lack of interaction. i guess i have a preconceived notion of what their relationship should be and it doesn't fit that framework. If it's working for them, i should leave it alone. It's a non-issue, something i am choosing to stress about without sound reason. But i'm not sure it IS working for them. i feel as if i want to be facilitating something but also know it's not my place to do so. rau will be a superlative rl slave but she's not necessarily suited to being an online one in a way that fits Master's tendency toward down time. i don't know. i love and want and need them both. i guess i'm just worried because rau is so important to me.
Well, no snappy ending again but i do feel as if i got out whatever had been building in my mind. One of my dreams this morning was having lost my car keys and being unable to find them and not knowing what to do. Maybe this expression of writing was all i actually needed to find and enough of an outlet that i don't need to do much more than that. Yeah right! As if things would ever be that simple. i think i'll just end this here, sit back, and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
Ordered to Blog
Master ordered me to blog for the first time in a long while. i had lots of issues and thoughts and feelings popping up today and they definitely affected my mood and attitude and behavior. Master hasn't punished me in a long time. He's really trying not to have to and i'm really trying not to push Him into doing so. Today was close. i argued. i didn't address Him respectfully. i was aloof.
i don't know where to start, i guess because it's been so long since i last blogged. i guess rl is the place to begin. Nothing has changed exactly. The boys continue to rage daily with verbal aggression and violence if not physical. They were away in Florida all week though and it gave me a new perspective on things. When they were leaving, they made a point of saying sappy goodbyes to me. Kisses and hugs and "i love you"s and the works. When they left i was actually a little sad. i missed them immediately. But i also realized that it wasn't them that i missed. It was that tiny glimpse of who they had the potential to be but seldom were, the glimpse they graced me with just before they left. Within twenty-four hours of returning home, their best behavior had already given way to outbursts and i was again relegated to isolating in my room and avoiding them.
i guess the whole thing just made me realize more than i had that we will miss each other. It is usually so hostile here that i forget there is a part of me that loves them. Leaving them will hurt. i had lost sight of that. And i had lost sight of the fact that they love me and i am about to hurt them greatly. i think i'd come to believe they wouldn't care about my leaving but i realize that they will. They brought me back gifts from Florida. They weren't carelessly chosen airport junk but items that the boys had clearly put thought into selecting especially for me. i feel guilty. There's no way around that. i don't question my decision to leave but i do feel like crap for making it.
i had a very vivid and very scary nightmare while napping this afternoon. i don't recall all the details of it right down to the dialogue as i often do with my dreams. i know what happened in it more than i actually recall it happening, with the exception of some snippets of visual memory. The boys were acting out in it and j and i called the police. When the police came, they wouldn't help us. They just blamed us for everything that was going wrong with the boys. i'm not sure how one thing led to another in the dream but i was high up in a tower of a building and wanted to kill myself. i wanted to jump and people were trying to stop me, to convince me and to trick me so i wouldn't jump. i don't recall what happened but i think i must have died because i woke up absolutely petrified and disoriented. i walked around the house trying to convince myself i was really there and checking clocks and media to see what time it was and even what day. It was a while before i really felt as if i had fully shaken off the dream and was awake and okay.
It's easy enough to know where that dream came from. j and i, but mostly i, have been blamed by police and hospitals and schools and just about everyone over the years. i blame myself too. i know i'm totally inadequate as a mother and, at times, have been worse than useless. i've been a catalyst for problems. i've mistreated the boys. i was totally unequipped for parenting, let alone parenting these two boys. i didn't foresee it. No one did. Even my shrink was all for the adoption at the time. But, over the years, i added to their trauma rather than helping them heal and, in the very depths of depression hell, i even plotted heinous things. It was years ago but it terrifies me still. i'm not just leaving because i can't do good by them. i'm leaving because, when i plummet to rock bottom, i'm capable of harming them. i can't relive those days and hope we all somehow manage to get through them again. What if we don't next time? Knowing i'm leaving makes living here bearable, not good much of the time, but tolerable.
The other component of my home life is j. i was sort of sad when he left also, but not as much as with the boys. he was home for an extra day after they had gone to Florida and he and i didn't interact any more than we do when they are home. Then he returned and was home about two days before they got home since their flight was cancelled by the inclement weather. he and i were at each other's throats almost from the second he arrived home. he always looks sad and hurt when he sees i'm not interested in his company and i hate seeing him that way. i am very careful not to lead him on though. i've slept in my office for the past month. No sex. Minimal interaction. i really feel very little for him at this point though.
we were so in love once. we were the perfect couple. Parenting consumed all of that and just left that love in its wake, destroyed. At least that's what it feels like from my point of view. Maybe there was a time we could have saved things but we are years past that time now. There's a lot of good in him and i pray that he finds someone to love him as he deserves, as i can't. The fact is i'm leaving a man who treats me like gold, is entirely faithful, is a devoted parent, has held down a full-time job for years, does housework, and many other qualities that the single female friends i have would kill for. But i can't get along with him and don't feel very much for him and see our nightmarish history when i look at him. And he and i are wholly incapable of parenting together.
All of that has been on my mind, awake and asleep. Then Master started talking today about some bondage situations that were starting to freak me out. The thing is, i really didn't even realize that they were getting to me. i think i was still stunned from the nightmare at that time. Had i told Him i was finding them upsetting, we would have talked about it and He would have reassured me about what concerned me. i didn't tell Him because i didn't know myself.
The subject moved on to physical punishment and then segued into physical hurt i inflict upon myself. i haven't cut in a long time, maybe last spring. But i pick at things like fingernails and scratches to the point of making them bleed... a LOT... constantly. i'm not even conscious of it half the time. It's second nature to me to be picking and to have my trash filled with bloody tissues. Master said i have to stop. This nearly put me over the edge because i don't think i can and the idea of it scares me. It's disgusting and there are times i've been in absolute agony and even barely able to walk from what i've done, though not recently. Still, the idea of stopping is almost more than i can handle. Cutting myself was different because it was only a now-and-then thing. This is all day, every day. Yikes!
Master said it's self-destructive and it is. i know that. But so is overeating, not getting enough sleep, consuming too much caffeine, going out in the sun, driving too fast, and just about everything that everyone does every day. Everything we inhale and ingest and do is a danger in some way. Master was not about to tolerate continued arguing so i stopped. Stopping has been easy of late but it wasn't today. i really had to force myself. i've refrained from arguing recently because i've wanted to please Master. Today i refrained because i wanted to avoid punishment. There's a real difference in how that feels.
i guess i've said enough for now although i'm already thinking ahead to another blog entry i probably need to get down in black and white. No brilliant ending ending this time.
i don't know where to start, i guess because it's been so long since i last blogged. i guess rl is the place to begin. Nothing has changed exactly. The boys continue to rage daily with verbal aggression and violence if not physical. They were away in Florida all week though and it gave me a new perspective on things. When they were leaving, they made a point of saying sappy goodbyes to me. Kisses and hugs and "i love you"s and the works. When they left i was actually a little sad. i missed them immediately. But i also realized that it wasn't them that i missed. It was that tiny glimpse of who they had the potential to be but seldom were, the glimpse they graced me with just before they left. Within twenty-four hours of returning home, their best behavior had already given way to outbursts and i was again relegated to isolating in my room and avoiding them.
i guess the whole thing just made me realize more than i had that we will miss each other. It is usually so hostile here that i forget there is a part of me that loves them. Leaving them will hurt. i had lost sight of that. And i had lost sight of the fact that they love me and i am about to hurt them greatly. i think i'd come to believe they wouldn't care about my leaving but i realize that they will. They brought me back gifts from Florida. They weren't carelessly chosen airport junk but items that the boys had clearly put thought into selecting especially for me. i feel guilty. There's no way around that. i don't question my decision to leave but i do feel like crap for making it.
i had a very vivid and very scary nightmare while napping this afternoon. i don't recall all the details of it right down to the dialogue as i often do with my dreams. i know what happened in it more than i actually recall it happening, with the exception of some snippets of visual memory. The boys were acting out in it and j and i called the police. When the police came, they wouldn't help us. They just blamed us for everything that was going wrong with the boys. i'm not sure how one thing led to another in the dream but i was high up in a tower of a building and wanted to kill myself. i wanted to jump and people were trying to stop me, to convince me and to trick me so i wouldn't jump. i don't recall what happened but i think i must have died because i woke up absolutely petrified and disoriented. i walked around the house trying to convince myself i was really there and checking clocks and media to see what time it was and even what day. It was a while before i really felt as if i had fully shaken off the dream and was awake and okay.
It's easy enough to know where that dream came from. j and i, but mostly i, have been blamed by police and hospitals and schools and just about everyone over the years. i blame myself too. i know i'm totally inadequate as a mother and, at times, have been worse than useless. i've been a catalyst for problems. i've mistreated the boys. i was totally unequipped for parenting, let alone parenting these two boys. i didn't foresee it. No one did. Even my shrink was all for the adoption at the time. But, over the years, i added to their trauma rather than helping them heal and, in the very depths of depression hell, i even plotted heinous things. It was years ago but it terrifies me still. i'm not just leaving because i can't do good by them. i'm leaving because, when i plummet to rock bottom, i'm capable of harming them. i can't relive those days and hope we all somehow manage to get through them again. What if we don't next time? Knowing i'm leaving makes living here bearable, not good much of the time, but tolerable.
The other component of my home life is j. i was sort of sad when he left also, but not as much as with the boys. he was home for an extra day after they had gone to Florida and he and i didn't interact any more than we do when they are home. Then he returned and was home about two days before they got home since their flight was cancelled by the inclement weather. he and i were at each other's throats almost from the second he arrived home. he always looks sad and hurt when he sees i'm not interested in his company and i hate seeing him that way. i am very careful not to lead him on though. i've slept in my office for the past month. No sex. Minimal interaction. i really feel very little for him at this point though.
we were so in love once. we were the perfect couple. Parenting consumed all of that and just left that love in its wake, destroyed. At least that's what it feels like from my point of view. Maybe there was a time we could have saved things but we are years past that time now. There's a lot of good in him and i pray that he finds someone to love him as he deserves, as i can't. The fact is i'm leaving a man who treats me like gold, is entirely faithful, is a devoted parent, has held down a full-time job for years, does housework, and many other qualities that the single female friends i have would kill for. But i can't get along with him and don't feel very much for him and see our nightmarish history when i look at him. And he and i are wholly incapable of parenting together.
All of that has been on my mind, awake and asleep. Then Master started talking today about some bondage situations that were starting to freak me out. The thing is, i really didn't even realize that they were getting to me. i think i was still stunned from the nightmare at that time. Had i told Him i was finding them upsetting, we would have talked about it and He would have reassured me about what concerned me. i didn't tell Him because i didn't know myself.
The subject moved on to physical punishment and then segued into physical hurt i inflict upon myself. i haven't cut in a long time, maybe last spring. But i pick at things like fingernails and scratches to the point of making them bleed... a LOT... constantly. i'm not even conscious of it half the time. It's second nature to me to be picking and to have my trash filled with bloody tissues. Master said i have to stop. This nearly put me over the edge because i don't think i can and the idea of it scares me. It's disgusting and there are times i've been in absolute agony and even barely able to walk from what i've done, though not recently. Still, the idea of stopping is almost more than i can handle. Cutting myself was different because it was only a now-and-then thing. This is all day, every day. Yikes!
Master said it's self-destructive and it is. i know that. But so is overeating, not getting enough sleep, consuming too much caffeine, going out in the sun, driving too fast, and just about everything that everyone does every day. Everything we inhale and ingest and do is a danger in some way. Master was not about to tolerate continued arguing so i stopped. Stopping has been easy of late but it wasn't today. i really had to force myself. i've refrained from arguing recently because i've wanted to please Master. Today i refrained because i wanted to avoid punishment. There's a real difference in how that feels.
i guess i've said enough for now although i'm already thinking ahead to another blog entry i probably need to get down in black and white. No brilliant ending ending this time.
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