The past several days have been especially hard in some ways and have left me questioning things i thought i'd come to terms with. One thing that has been harder than it had for a while is j. we don't share a bed or even a room and seldom are even in the same room at the same time at all nor do we see each other undressed any longer. But there was something magnetic between us Friday morning before work. we both felt it. i was dying to jump him and initiate sex. It has been a long time and i wanted him so badly. He was adorable, with his dimple pronounced, and showing off the witty side i once fell in love with. i wanted him and nearly gave into it. The dogs barked to go out and i used that as my excuse to make a quick getaway.
He gave me a watch which was lime green that he said he'd been saving for Valentine's Day. He said he just had to give it to me right then. It was just the endearing sort of thing that hooked me years ago, picturing him selecting this silly watch in a store because he knows i love all things green. i ached to tell him i love him, to embrace him, to promise i won't leave. i did none of those and it hurt.
we fought later in the day over money and i began to think how much of the stress between us has been money-based. i wondered if we might have been in a different place if finances were different. Then i thought about the fact that there will be no greater financial stability with Master and probably far less. Will the same stressors mean the same fate of the relationship? Will they destroy it?
Later in the weekend there was another moment when i wanted so overwhelmingly to just go lean my head on j's shoulders and feel his arms around me and let him comfort me. i haven't quite known what to do with all these feelings that have been stirred up. Is there a chance i could actually be happy in a vanilla relationship with j? i once was... or might have been... or thought i was... wasn't i?
i've also been thinking about how i'm horny and lonely for the touch of someone other than myself. Besides, how can ending a marriage of nearly twelve years not have moments of pain and doubt and sadness? j is a good guy. He has been amazingly devoted to me and stood by me through some abysmal and lengthy crises, ones i can't imagine ANYONE putting up with as unconditionally.
Sometimes now i can't stand to be in the same room with him, can't stand the sound of his breathing or the sight of his dry lips peelings without my skin crawling. Is that what happens to everyone over time? Will things about Master disgust me too? It seems inevitable that they will. i wonder which things they will be but, much more so, i wonder how long they will take to rankle me. Days? Weeks? Years?
Do things with Master even have the potential to last years? What happens after Master, if there is an after? i've never really seen it as my leaving j for Master. i've always felt that i need to leave j and, separately, i will be going to Master. If j was out of the picture, i'd still be going to Master. If Master was out of the picture, i'd still be leaving j. i'm not as sure about this right now as i had been.
Also on my mind, in light of the fact that my mother was hospitalized last night and piggybacking off the subject of finances, is not having money for medical expenses. i have TONS of medical conditions, take 8 different prescriptions daily, have an absurdly risky familial history, and without insurance the related costs would be astronomical. What if there's an emergency that involves a hospitalization and/or surgery? What if i develop some medical condition or disease that requires costly treatment? This terrifies me.
The flip side, though, is that i currently have great insurance and access to the best of medical care and, despite these conditions, the thought of my life continuing as it is makes me want to cut or kill myself. It's sort of ironic. i can have optimal healthcare and want to damage my health or lacking health care but, ideally, want to improve my health. Master's influence in what He has required of me and in terms of increasing my motivation to live has been GREAT. There's no way around that. Still, it's a huge leap of faith in this respect and that has me especially spooked.
The other big thing on my mind, and more directly related to yesterday's events, is my mother. Had i been in Virginia, i don't know how the situation would have played out. It had to be me. She wouldn't have called anyone else. She wouldn't have allowed anyone else to deal with her as she did me. i don't even approach stubborn when viewed next to her. She needed me and wanted me and was and is grateful for me... and only me.
i put her through hell as i was growing up and she never faltered. She was to me what i can't be with my own kids. It's only been ten or twelve years since i've gotten along with her and come to appreciate her. Who knows how much more time with her i might have? How do i leave her? How do i give up that time? How do i falter with her where she didn't with me and leave her to fend for herself in order to follow my own wants?
i think about her moving to Virginia but she never would. i think about driving to see her once a month which is possible but seems unlikely that it would really happen between weather obstacles, car troubles, gasoline prices, etc. The thing is, i seldom see her now since i am usually so emotionally paralyzed with my own life. my absence hurts her as it is now. She wonders whether to blame herself or me for it. If i was actually... dare i say it... happy with Master, maybe i would be able to be there for her in a way i can't now. That sounds more like rationalization that a realistic hope to me at this point though. my being happy is that far-fetched a concept.
When i got home from visiting her at the hospital today, s had stolen some things out of my room. He didn't take anything costly or of great value to me but the fact that i can have no security of self or property while living with him stood out to me all the more. The boys and j are a package deal and i can't cope with the package. Even if it is normal teenage behavior, and some of it truly is, i utterly lack the ability to cope with it. Be it an inherent shortcoming within myself or a product of my experiences with them, though likely it's some of both, i can't love them unconditionally. Years of trying and hating myself for failing, of being berated by professionals entrusted with their emotional well-being or validated by ones entrusted with mine, of relying on medication to numb myself to an intolerable reality... A part of me is dead inside and won't live again. i can't be a mother to them.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Master said to Blog. i'm Blogging.
Yesterday and today have been very trying and everything is hitting me at once. i feel like everything i care about is either gone or as phantom as the trees on SL. i feel for the first time in a long time as if the safety of the crappy known holds more appeal than the uncertainty and seeming transience of the unknown. i am depressed and anxious and scared.
i am trying to exchange texts with e while writing this while watching American Idol and i can't do anything!
What to say? i guess i'll start with v. i think i have so much emotion invested in what happens to her that i vicariously feel her ups and downs. When she is on a positive path, i feel as if i am as well. When she is faltering or, worse, plummeting, i feel as if my world is in turmoil too. i think this is why i so seldom let myself care deeply for anyone. i'd rather feel nothing than get sit on an emotional seesaw waiting for the next change in direction. There's something to be said for sitting on the fulcrum and heckling.
The boys have been expressing upset by the fact that i stay sequestered in my office all the times. i don't have it in me to be there for them and, every time i try, i just wind up screaming at them. i'm living in limbo and doing a crappy job of everything i attempt. i'm not a wife or mother in any real sense of the word except for the fact that i live at the same address as j and the boys. i'm not there for my own mother either. but i'm five months away from being with Master and i don't feel as if i can cope with this pseudo-life in purgatory for that much longer either. i guess my attention to the calendar is also heightened right now since Neal's birthday is January twenty-ninth. Also ahead on the calendar is April 6th, my twelfth wedding anniversary. What the hell do i do with THAT?
i feel as if i am at work without really being there and didn't make it in at all today. By this time of year, every conversation and meeting and piece of paperwork involves planning for next year. It is so hard for me to be a part of making decisions that i know i won't be there to see come to fruition. i feel as if i am abandoning kids and even some adults. Usually the planning i do is tailored to how i will personally follow up on it the following year, not for some unknown person who will take over. i have worked there for a long time, longer than i've ever done anything or been with anyone. It is getting very hard to be there and will only get worse.
Also, i've always kept so entirely to myself but i've really formed friendships now and even let them grow. It's sort of a cruel irony. Master's influence has opened new doors for me in terms of blooming socially and i'm struggling because going to Him is going to, at the very least, distance me from them greatly. Before Him, there'd have been no one at work i especially cared about leaving. Again, i'm thinking my way of just hating everyone had its merits. Life on the fulcrum was at least predictable.
All that brings me to Master. i was rude to Him today. It wasn't extensive but i earned a punishment which He has yet to specify. If i get punished for this, i feel as if i am going to spend the next five months constantly getting punished. It was a big improvement for me. i shouldn't have done it but i stopped myself in my tracks and muscled through to force myself to immediately beg forgiveness and be respectful. It didn't escalate. i wasn't disobedient. i didn't get combative. i was out of line. There is no question. But it just seems like if it is THAT easy to misbehave then i'll NEVER be able to be successful with it. It was a split second impulse today.
i don't know. In this state of mind, i question everything that seems to make sense because what that is changes from one moment to the next. i feel as if i'm Jennifer Connolly in that later scene in Labyrinth where the backdrop became Escher-like and she knew she had to get to Toby but had no idea how to proceed and things just totally ceased to make sense until she had an epiphany. Well where's my epiphany?
i'm just confused and disillusioned and feeling inadequate and dreading punishment and wanting to give up on everything. i have no faith in myself at the moment and feel so distant from everyone else. i feel as if everyone left the planet while i was asleep and i awoke to find that i'm on my own planet. It's got an oxygenated atmosphere and it's no more hostile than anywhere else. i wish i could stay a while but i know it will cost me when i eventually return to an inhabited place. It always does. For now i guess all i can do is go through the motions.
It's been a while since i wished i was dead, that i didn't exist, that i'd never existed. That doesn't make it suck any less. i want out.
i am trying to exchange texts with e while writing this while watching American Idol and i can't do anything!
What to say? i guess i'll start with v. i think i have so much emotion invested in what happens to her that i vicariously feel her ups and downs. When she is on a positive path, i feel as if i am as well. When she is faltering or, worse, plummeting, i feel as if my world is in turmoil too. i think this is why i so seldom let myself care deeply for anyone. i'd rather feel nothing than get sit on an emotional seesaw waiting for the next change in direction. There's something to be said for sitting on the fulcrum and heckling.
The boys have been expressing upset by the fact that i stay sequestered in my office all the times. i don't have it in me to be there for them and, every time i try, i just wind up screaming at them. i'm living in limbo and doing a crappy job of everything i attempt. i'm not a wife or mother in any real sense of the word except for the fact that i live at the same address as j and the boys. i'm not there for my own mother either. but i'm five months away from being with Master and i don't feel as if i can cope with this pseudo-life in purgatory for that much longer either. i guess my attention to the calendar is also heightened right now since Neal's birthday is January twenty-ninth. Also ahead on the calendar is April 6th, my twelfth wedding anniversary. What the hell do i do with THAT?
i feel as if i am at work without really being there and didn't make it in at all today. By this time of year, every conversation and meeting and piece of paperwork involves planning for next year. It is so hard for me to be a part of making decisions that i know i won't be there to see come to fruition. i feel as if i am abandoning kids and even some adults. Usually the planning i do is tailored to how i will personally follow up on it the following year, not for some unknown person who will take over. i have worked there for a long time, longer than i've ever done anything or been with anyone. It is getting very hard to be there and will only get worse.
Also, i've always kept so entirely to myself but i've really formed friendships now and even let them grow. It's sort of a cruel irony. Master's influence has opened new doors for me in terms of blooming socially and i'm struggling because going to Him is going to, at the very least, distance me from them greatly. Before Him, there'd have been no one at work i especially cared about leaving. Again, i'm thinking my way of just hating everyone had its merits. Life on the fulcrum was at least predictable.
All that brings me to Master. i was rude to Him today. It wasn't extensive but i earned a punishment which He has yet to specify. If i get punished for this, i feel as if i am going to spend the next five months constantly getting punished. It was a big improvement for me. i shouldn't have done it but i stopped myself in my tracks and muscled through to force myself to immediately beg forgiveness and be respectful. It didn't escalate. i wasn't disobedient. i didn't get combative. i was out of line. There is no question. But it just seems like if it is THAT easy to misbehave then i'll NEVER be able to be successful with it. It was a split second impulse today.
i don't know. In this state of mind, i question everything that seems to make sense because what that is changes from one moment to the next. i feel as if i'm Jennifer Connolly in that later scene in Labyrinth where the backdrop became Escher-like and she knew she had to get to Toby but had no idea how to proceed and things just totally ceased to make sense until she had an epiphany. Well where's my epiphany?
i'm just confused and disillusioned and feeling inadequate and dreading punishment and wanting to give up on everything. i have no faith in myself at the moment and feel so distant from everyone else. i feel as if everyone left the planet while i was asleep and i awoke to find that i'm on my own planet. It's got an oxygenated atmosphere and it's no more hostile than anywhere else. i wish i could stay a while but i know it will cost me when i eventually return to an inhabited place. It always does. For now i guess all i can do is go through the motions.
It's been a while since i wished i was dead, that i didn't exist, that i'd never existed. That doesn't make it suck any less. i want out.
Monday, January 19, 2009
REVISED TO COMPLETION: my Brain Exploded Last Night
Yesterday was a wonderful and very full day which started with my having gotten too little sleep and ended with my going from zero to sixty in getting upset. Master wanted me to explain what was bothering me and i couldn't at that point, not with any kind of respect anyhow. So He allowed me not to but He was displeased with it. He didn't do or say anything overt to indicate that. He just was. It's hard to explain. Maybe it was the tone of voice with which He typed "goodnight".
So, to backtrack through the day... Master had told me to be on my futon by 5 am to go to sleep. Norman, romping around the backyard and refusing to come in, nearly made me miss that deadline but i wound up there at exactly 4:59 am. Whew! Master had ordered that i be up by 11 am. Normally when i do not have to get up for work, i sleep with ear plugs in and indefinitely. Friday night i hadn't done so because i had to meet someone from whom i was getting stuff off of Craig's list by 10 am and Saturday night i didn't do so because i again had to be able to hear the alarm to make sure i was up when Master said.
my weekdays usually do not include enough sleep and the weekends are when i play catch-up with it. i'm usually up WELL into the morning, one or two at least, and then get up at a 6:20 alarm. Even with naps, the weekends are basically when i NEED to get as much sleep as i possibly can or it just catches up to me. Without earplugs and in fear of missing my alarm, i do not sleep as soundly or for as many consecutive minutes before waking up for the absurdly frequent bathroom breaks which always interrupt my sleep anyhow. Factor in the dogs waking me to go out sometimes and i am inevitably sleep-deprived and have to get it when i can.
So, i'd been up at about 10:20 Sunday morning and hung around until a bit after twelve at which point, after touching based with v, i went back to sleep. i probably slept for a little over an hour but i'd been worried about doing so without word or approval from Master so, although it helped, it wasn't the most restful of naps. i was back online by about 1:45 and, as it turned out, in for a LOT of RP.
my avi had head-butted the physician and broken her nose (the physician's nose) during what was supposed to have been a routine physical Saturday. she had to go back yesterday for her second shot and wound up strapped to a cross, fearing a punishment brand, and spitting at the physician. There was a lot of serving and other RP as well as well as shopping and down time. v's impending arrival at Master's irl has much nervous excitement in the air.
During a serve, my avi turned her ankle in her haste and wound up breaking it, as pronounced by the physician in training. she found herself carried to the infirmary and put through an agonizing exam which actually led her to gain a bit of trust in this particular physician. There was lots of teasing interplay between her and v's avi among others. After all, crutches are not only for walking on. They are also for poking bratty sisters!
Okay, i need sleep and NOW. i'll complete this blog later.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF BLOG TECHNOLOGY, IT IS NOW LATER.
Yesterday continued on with much of the same and wound up including numerous trips to the town where much of the Rp has been taking place. i was getting tired and ready to ask to kennel there was a huge influx of Free at the tavern we were in and i wound up being the only one there to serve. i was too tired, there were too many Free, they were asking for drinks i'd never prepared before, and i had to emote it all as done on a broken ankle. i got very flustered and upset.
Had i begged out of the serve, i probably could have avoided it but i didn't want to do that. Master loves to have me serve and i nearly always enjoy serving for Him. i didn't want to disappoint Him or give up the opportunity. As it turned out, another slave named elie entered and helped a great deal so i wound up not as bogged down as i had first expected to be.
Nevertheless, i was really spent afterward and my avi wound up running out of the tavern to vomit from the pain and then falling asleep kneeling beside Master's seat. i had just gotten really overwhelmed by the number of people there and been unable to follow all the dialogue during my serve so i felt as if i had even less of an idea of what was going on. Plus i was lagging badly so when i posted, there was a delay and i could never tell if it was making it to the screen.
i NCed the whole thing to read later but haven't yet. One of the reasons i want to read it is because i feel as if my serves are getting stale. One is too like the next. i want to read those of others for ideas as to how to spice them up a bit without having to break my ankle in the process. They are important to me and i enjoy them. i want to excel at them. There is so much i can't do on SL that makes me feel totally inadequate. i at least need to hone the skills that i do have.
Into the wee hours we continued on until finally we were back at Master's sim and relaxing peacefully. He and v were chatting privately, my avi was in His arms, i was taking pics, and i was simultaneously having the first recent IM chat with Pete during which i didn't feel defensive. i could have asked to kennel but the demands were light and, as tired as i was, i wasn't consciously aware of it any longer. i always love down time with only Master and v. It is safe and comfortable.
At some point, after a nice relaxing stretch of it, Master decided to switch avis and that we would all go back to the town yet AGAIN. i like the town, i truly do. It is the first gorean one i have ever liked on SL including Tampica. But i was WAY too tired to cope with anything more and, again, should have asked to kennel. There's an expression about calling a HALT, an acronym advising to get one's self out of situations if one feels excessively Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. i should have called a halt. i didn't.
i have seen Master in lots of different avis playing many different roles. Humans and vampires, different genders and gender-benders, Frees and slaves. It has gotten to the point that i thought i was comfortable with anything. i genuinely have been at ease with all of them for some time now and enjoy Master's company in some of those other roles nearly as much as i do when He is on as Master. But last night it was highlighted that the v and i "outrank" the slave Master currently is as one of His alts.
This was amusing for a moment or two as v and i harassed His slave avi, coni, and i might have managed it had we just stayed the three of us on Master's land. we wound up going to Victoria. That was where my head exploded. coni was totally obnoxious to v and me. What were we to do? In normal RP, if a chain sibling disrespects us and doesn't respond to our redirection, we take the situation to Master. This time, the slave in question WAS Master. So, coni twisted my broken ankle and i finally backhanded her, bloodying her lip a bit. It was more than i can take and sent me totally over the edge. i hid under the spiral stairs at the tavern and then TPed home when the region was about to reset.
i was angry and frustrated because i had no idea what was expected. i can RP with Master in a slave's avi. i have before with no problem. But when the slave's avi acts in ways that should cause her problems and won't, i have no idea what to do. The map showed others present but i didn't pan to see who from my roost beneath the stairs. If coni acts like that in front of those who don't know who is behind the avi then it reflects badly upon Master and that REALLY bothers me. i doubt she does but i wasn't certain elie knew the truth at first although it turns out she did. In any case, it was as if we had a bratty new sibling who with a carte blanche to do as she pleased. There was gray matter everywhere!
Back on the sim, Master started to tell me He was signing off to go to bed but He knew something was wrong. i was too upset to go into any detail without running the acute risk of posing to Him such probing questions as "What the fuck is your problem?" or "What the fuck do you want from me?". Being neither of these nor the others swarming my head seemed like a wise idea, i asked to delay the conversation about what was wrong. Master thankfully relented pretty quickly but, even though nothing was said or done, it felt very tense to me.
Without even realizing it, i must have bitten or picked at my cuticle until it bled and started wiping it in striations across the corner of a sheet of paper beside the keyboard. It was there when i awoke today and totally grossed me out. i wouldn't have even remembered doing it if i had tossed it in the trash last night. i hate that i do things like this. They make me feel even more disgusting and crazy.
So, to backtrack through the day... Master had told me to be on my futon by 5 am to go to sleep. Norman, romping around the backyard and refusing to come in, nearly made me miss that deadline but i wound up there at exactly 4:59 am. Whew! Master had ordered that i be up by 11 am. Normally when i do not have to get up for work, i sleep with ear plugs in and indefinitely. Friday night i hadn't done so because i had to meet someone from whom i was getting stuff off of Craig's list by 10 am and Saturday night i didn't do so because i again had to be able to hear the alarm to make sure i was up when Master said.
my weekdays usually do not include enough sleep and the weekends are when i play catch-up with it. i'm usually up WELL into the morning, one or two at least, and then get up at a 6:20 alarm. Even with naps, the weekends are basically when i NEED to get as much sleep as i possibly can or it just catches up to me. Without earplugs and in fear of missing my alarm, i do not sleep as soundly or for as many consecutive minutes before waking up for the absurdly frequent bathroom breaks which always interrupt my sleep anyhow. Factor in the dogs waking me to go out sometimes and i am inevitably sleep-deprived and have to get it when i can.
So, i'd been up at about 10:20 Sunday morning and hung around until a bit after twelve at which point, after touching based with v, i went back to sleep. i probably slept for a little over an hour but i'd been worried about doing so without word or approval from Master so, although it helped, it wasn't the most restful of naps. i was back online by about 1:45 and, as it turned out, in for a LOT of RP.
my avi had head-butted the physician and broken her nose (the physician's nose) during what was supposed to have been a routine physical Saturday. she had to go back yesterday for her second shot and wound up strapped to a cross, fearing a punishment brand, and spitting at the physician. There was a lot of serving and other RP as well as well as shopping and down time. v's impending arrival at Master's irl has much nervous excitement in the air.
During a serve, my avi turned her ankle in her haste and wound up breaking it, as pronounced by the physician in training. she found herself carried to the infirmary and put through an agonizing exam which actually led her to gain a bit of trust in this particular physician. There was lots of teasing interplay between her and v's avi among others. After all, crutches are not only for walking on. They are also for poking bratty sisters!
Okay, i need sleep and NOW. i'll complete this blog later.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF BLOG TECHNOLOGY, IT IS NOW LATER.
Yesterday continued on with much of the same and wound up including numerous trips to the town where much of the Rp has been taking place. i was getting tired and ready to ask to kennel there was a huge influx of Free at the tavern we were in and i wound up being the only one there to serve. i was too tired, there were too many Free, they were asking for drinks i'd never prepared before, and i had to emote it all as done on a broken ankle. i got very flustered and upset.
Had i begged out of the serve, i probably could have avoided it but i didn't want to do that. Master loves to have me serve and i nearly always enjoy serving for Him. i didn't want to disappoint Him or give up the opportunity. As it turned out, another slave named elie entered and helped a great deal so i wound up not as bogged down as i had first expected to be.
Nevertheless, i was really spent afterward and my avi wound up running out of the tavern to vomit from the pain and then falling asleep kneeling beside Master's seat. i had just gotten really overwhelmed by the number of people there and been unable to follow all the dialogue during my serve so i felt as if i had even less of an idea of what was going on. Plus i was lagging badly so when i posted, there was a delay and i could never tell if it was making it to the screen.
i NCed the whole thing to read later but haven't yet. One of the reasons i want to read it is because i feel as if my serves are getting stale. One is too like the next. i want to read those of others for ideas as to how to spice them up a bit without having to break my ankle in the process. They are important to me and i enjoy them. i want to excel at them. There is so much i can't do on SL that makes me feel totally inadequate. i at least need to hone the skills that i do have.
Into the wee hours we continued on until finally we were back at Master's sim and relaxing peacefully. He and v were chatting privately, my avi was in His arms, i was taking pics, and i was simultaneously having the first recent IM chat with Pete during which i didn't feel defensive. i could have asked to kennel but the demands were light and, as tired as i was, i wasn't consciously aware of it any longer. i always love down time with only Master and v. It is safe and comfortable.
At some point, after a nice relaxing stretch of it, Master decided to switch avis and that we would all go back to the town yet AGAIN. i like the town, i truly do. It is the first gorean one i have ever liked on SL including Tampica. But i was WAY too tired to cope with anything more and, again, should have asked to kennel. There's an expression about calling a HALT, an acronym advising to get one's self out of situations if one feels excessively Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. i should have called a halt. i didn't.
i have seen Master in lots of different avis playing many different roles. Humans and vampires, different genders and gender-benders, Frees and slaves. It has gotten to the point that i thought i was comfortable with anything. i genuinely have been at ease with all of them for some time now and enjoy Master's company in some of those other roles nearly as much as i do when He is on as Master. But last night it was highlighted that the v and i "outrank" the slave Master currently is as one of His alts.
This was amusing for a moment or two as v and i harassed His slave avi, coni, and i might have managed it had we just stayed the three of us on Master's land. we wound up going to Victoria. That was where my head exploded. coni was totally obnoxious to v and me. What were we to do? In normal RP, if a chain sibling disrespects us and doesn't respond to our redirection, we take the situation to Master. This time, the slave in question WAS Master. So, coni twisted my broken ankle and i finally backhanded her, bloodying her lip a bit. It was more than i can take and sent me totally over the edge. i hid under the spiral stairs at the tavern and then TPed home when the region was about to reset.
i was angry and frustrated because i had no idea what was expected. i can RP with Master in a slave's avi. i have before with no problem. But when the slave's avi acts in ways that should cause her problems and won't, i have no idea what to do. The map showed others present but i didn't pan to see who from my roost beneath the stairs. If coni acts like that in front of those who don't know who is behind the avi then it reflects badly upon Master and that REALLY bothers me. i doubt she does but i wasn't certain elie knew the truth at first although it turns out she did. In any case, it was as if we had a bratty new sibling who with a carte blanche to do as she pleased. There was gray matter everywhere!
Back on the sim, Master started to tell me He was signing off to go to bed but He knew something was wrong. i was too upset to go into any detail without running the acute risk of posing to Him such probing questions as "What the fuck is your problem?" or "What the fuck do you want from me?". Being neither of these nor the others swarming my head seemed like a wise idea, i asked to delay the conversation about what was wrong. Master thankfully relented pretty quickly but, even though nothing was said or done, it felt very tense to me.
Without even realizing it, i must have bitten or picked at my cuticle until it bled and started wiping it in striations across the corner of a sheet of paper beside the keyboard. It was there when i awoke today and totally grossed me out. i wouldn't have even remembered doing it if i had tossed it in the trash last night. i hate that i do things like this. They make me feel even more disgusting and crazy.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wow! A LOT Happened Yesterday!
Yesterday was a very full day both on SL and irl. i worked and afterwards got a bunch of errands done. The first one was stopping to put gas in the car, a task i despise. The machine would not accept my card and kept showing a "see attendant" message. i just left, very frustrated and nearly out of gas with the warning light lit.
i went to Staples to mail Master's gift and texted j as soon as i arrived there, asking him if there was money in the card-linked account and telling him of my dire need to put gas in the tank as well as my intent to shop and run errands. He responded that there was no problem so i figured there was just a malfunction in the machine i had used at the gas station. i used the card to pay for the package shipping at Staples just to be certain and it worked fine.
i should have known better than to feel secure because this happens ALL the time. When i was paying the cashier at the next store, my card was declined. i texted j and told him. He had apparently never checked the account when answering me earlier and thus had to transfer money into the card-linked account while i dealt with the cashier and felt bad for the customers behind me who, fortunately, were able to be routed to other lines. i find this situation EXCRUCIATING yet constantly wind up in it.
While i was waiting for the money transfer, i was feeling VERY anxious and impatient. i began to tap my fingers on the countertop and watch the minutes pass on my cell phone clock. In the past, i would repeatedly call j and scream at him for causing this problem and to fix it faster, my calls undoubtedly making it take longer for him to correct things. i REALLY wanted to do so again even though j has asked me not to.
On the verge of giving in to the desire to call him, i suddenly remembered that i am kajira. i reminded myself of the need for patience and how much more patience will soon be required of me. i reminded myself that j is a Free and i am slave which means it is not my right to scream at him. i reminded myself that i should be grateful i am even permitted to touch money, as kajirae often are not, and that the privilege could be revoked like any other. i considered going to my "room" in my mind that Master had me build but that proved unnecessary. i calmed down, texted j politely, and awaited his response. When i got home, the desire to pick a fight with j was back but i stifled it and handled myself in a manner of which Master would approve.
i was, consequently, feeling especially kajira-like and serene when i signed online and began talking with Master. He told me that tasty and willow had been uncollared and i basically just said "yes, my Master". He and i signed on sl and the conversation continued on general topics until Master asked what is in the package i mailed Him. i responded ambiguously, very much wanting it to remain a secret until He opens it.
Then Master asked what i would do if He ordered me to tell Him what it was. Now, i don't consider myself to be stupid and yet i actually typed out in my buffer something about refusing Him. It was respectfully worded and acknowledged that punishment would be forthcoming, but i actually was ready to tell Master that i would disobey Him. Thank God i regained my sanity in time to correct myself and tell Him the only thing a kajira may ever tell her Master, that being her intent to obey Him absolutely. i am SO glad i wasn't on voice at the time but there's no buffer irl so i'd better get this through my head without the need for one!
During the course of our conversation, Master had rezzed whipping posts. The sight of them made me queasy, as it always does, and left a knot in my stomach. They were outside the school and kennels so they might just have been there as part of the facilty. i knew i was owed a punishment still but it seemed an odd time for it. i should have known better than to underestimate Master's ability at psychological dominance.
They were there, at least in part, for me. It is never any different. i started trembling and crying the second he said they were for my punishment. i did as He directed, of course, stripping and getting on the posts. i even reminded Him of the need to cuffs and shackles. i have never tried to shirk an SL punishment and hope i have the same courage to do so irl.
One problem when Master is to whip me is that i get so upset that it freaks out Archie who then starts whimpering and barking. He and Norman will need to not be there for rl punishments from Master. Archie's upset always adds to mine as it did last night. It is unconscionable to me that my misdeeds bring suffering upon him.
Master brandished that evil whip, the sight and sound of which terrify me. He questioned me about what i had done wrong and my future behavior as i hung on the posts and awaited the lash. He sheathed the whip at one point, but drew it again a moment later. i had thoroughly earned this punishment and i knew it. i didn't realize at the time that waiting days for it and being tested with the question of what i would do if ordered to reveal the package contents were parts of it. So were all the details of Master's setting the scene, it turns out.
Master allowed me down from the posts without His whip ever having touched me, a reprieve He has never granted me before and likely won't again. i was still very upset as was Archie but far less so than if He had gone on to whip me or had regarded me with an attitude of hostility. i wound up asking to sign off and being granted an hour by Master which i used to take a scalding coconut-scented bubble bath.
i REALLY wanted to pout and kennel but i suppressed it. i had to so i did. i went on with the night in relative calm and basically at ease. The ability to fight that desire and succeed is new and wonderful and a product of Master's tutelage. Girl offers thanks, my Master!
i went to Staples to mail Master's gift and texted j as soon as i arrived there, asking him if there was money in the card-linked account and telling him of my dire need to put gas in the tank as well as my intent to shop and run errands. He responded that there was no problem so i figured there was just a malfunction in the machine i had used at the gas station. i used the card to pay for the package shipping at Staples just to be certain and it worked fine.
i should have known better than to feel secure because this happens ALL the time. When i was paying the cashier at the next store, my card was declined. i texted j and told him. He had apparently never checked the account when answering me earlier and thus had to transfer money into the card-linked account while i dealt with the cashier and felt bad for the customers behind me who, fortunately, were able to be routed to other lines. i find this situation EXCRUCIATING yet constantly wind up in it.
While i was waiting for the money transfer, i was feeling VERY anxious and impatient. i began to tap my fingers on the countertop and watch the minutes pass on my cell phone clock. In the past, i would repeatedly call j and scream at him for causing this problem and to fix it faster, my calls undoubtedly making it take longer for him to correct things. i REALLY wanted to do so again even though j has asked me not to.
On the verge of giving in to the desire to call him, i suddenly remembered that i am kajira. i reminded myself of the need for patience and how much more patience will soon be required of me. i reminded myself that j is a Free and i am slave which means it is not my right to scream at him. i reminded myself that i should be grateful i am even permitted to touch money, as kajirae often are not, and that the privilege could be revoked like any other. i considered going to my "room" in my mind that Master had me build but that proved unnecessary. i calmed down, texted j politely, and awaited his response. When i got home, the desire to pick a fight with j was back but i stifled it and handled myself in a manner of which Master would approve.
i was, consequently, feeling especially kajira-like and serene when i signed online and began talking with Master. He told me that tasty and willow had been uncollared and i basically just said "yes, my Master". He and i signed on sl and the conversation continued on general topics until Master asked what is in the package i mailed Him. i responded ambiguously, very much wanting it to remain a secret until He opens it.
Then Master asked what i would do if He ordered me to tell Him what it was. Now, i don't consider myself to be stupid and yet i actually typed out in my buffer something about refusing Him. It was respectfully worded and acknowledged that punishment would be forthcoming, but i actually was ready to tell Master that i would disobey Him. Thank God i regained my sanity in time to correct myself and tell Him the only thing a kajira may ever tell her Master, that being her intent to obey Him absolutely. i am SO glad i wasn't on voice at the time but there's no buffer irl so i'd better get this through my head without the need for one!
During the course of our conversation, Master had rezzed whipping posts. The sight of them made me queasy, as it always does, and left a knot in my stomach. They were outside the school and kennels so they might just have been there as part of the facilty. i knew i was owed a punishment still but it seemed an odd time for it. i should have known better than to underestimate Master's ability at psychological dominance.
They were there, at least in part, for me. It is never any different. i started trembling and crying the second he said they were for my punishment. i did as He directed, of course, stripping and getting on the posts. i even reminded Him of the need to cuffs and shackles. i have never tried to shirk an SL punishment and hope i have the same courage to do so irl.
One problem when Master is to whip me is that i get so upset that it freaks out Archie who then starts whimpering and barking. He and Norman will need to not be there for rl punishments from Master. Archie's upset always adds to mine as it did last night. It is unconscionable to me that my misdeeds bring suffering upon him.
Master brandished that evil whip, the sight and sound of which terrify me. He questioned me about what i had done wrong and my future behavior as i hung on the posts and awaited the lash. He sheathed the whip at one point, but drew it again a moment later. i had thoroughly earned this punishment and i knew it. i didn't realize at the time that waiting days for it and being tested with the question of what i would do if ordered to reveal the package contents were parts of it. So were all the details of Master's setting the scene, it turns out.
Master allowed me down from the posts without His whip ever having touched me, a reprieve He has never granted me before and likely won't again. i was still very upset as was Archie but far less so than if He had gone on to whip me or had regarded me with an attitude of hostility. i wound up asking to sign off and being granted an hour by Master which i used to take a scalding coconut-scented bubble bath.
i REALLY wanted to pout and kennel but i suppressed it. i had to so i did. i went on with the night in relative calm and basically at ease. The ability to fight that desire and succeed is new and wonderful and a product of Master's tutelage. Girl offers thanks, my Master!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Not my Usual Post
i was shopping in Walmart this evening. Now, my dogs are about as indulged as i thought dogs could be and they are the joyful recipients of any number of silly dogs treats... ones that look like sandwich cookies, ones flavored like filet mignon, ones alleged to be dried and smoked bull penises. Yum! So i was not at all surprised initially as i surveyed the pet aisle. Logically, this post might go on to describe my spotting the elaborately designed collars and leashes and imagining them fastened on me for my romp with Master.
Nope! Not even close! i was actually just so taken aback by something that i felt compelled to blog about it even though it has nothing to do with being kajira. Walmart actually sells low fat dog snacks in a box which has them individually packaged in... get this... 100 calorie packs! i was so amused that i actually texted Joni right then and there to tell her.
Low fat 100 calorie snack packs for dogs! What is this world coming to? Is that so the dog doesn't inadvertently overeat directly from the package while camped out on the couch watching Animal Planet? Is there psychological influence on the canine psyche which makes being able to eat an entire package more satisfying than simply having one small portion from a larger package?
Last i checked, my dogs don't have opposable thumbs and this rely upon me to produce their from where i store them and apportion them as i see fit. Thus the need for 100 calorie packs utterly escapes me. If my dogs were overweight, i'd give them fewer treats. Imagine that! What a comically asinine product! Needless to say, i did not buy them. i simply had to share that experience with others.
To turn this blog back to the topic of kajira, i do stress over how indulged my dogs are and the likelihood that i will not be able to supply them with as many perks when i am with Master as they are currently accustomed to getting. That upsets me. i worry more about their response to the loss of usual luxuries than i do mine. i don't want them to feel denied or deprived.
The kajira moment i did have while in Walmart had nothing to do with the dogs. The clothing reminded me of just how shoddy my clothing is. So much of it is torn or stained and horrendous looking. As absurd as it is to want to get some new clothes before going to Master, in front of whom i'll rarely wear any, i do. i realized that i don't know what the limits are, if any, to the clothes i'll be able to wear in public situations. i texted Him from Walmart to ask and am awaiting His answer.
i accidentally skipped my meds last night and felt okay today though Joni told me i was even more obnoxious than usual today. i truly didn't see it in myself but i take Joni's word for it. i can't really play "catch up" with the meds but want to be particularly diligent in taking them now because MANY incidents i've had in screwing up have been after messing up with my medication several times in several days.
i'll stop there. Life is good. No complaints. i love Master and the family and can't wait to be with them irl. 162 days and they're dwindling fast. Woohoo!
Nope! Not even close! i was actually just so taken aback by something that i felt compelled to blog about it even though it has nothing to do with being kajira. Walmart actually sells low fat dog snacks in a box which has them individually packaged in... get this... 100 calorie packs! i was so amused that i actually texted Joni right then and there to tell her.
Low fat 100 calorie snack packs for dogs! What is this world coming to? Is that so the dog doesn't inadvertently overeat directly from the package while camped out on the couch watching Animal Planet? Is there psychological influence on the canine psyche which makes being able to eat an entire package more satisfying than simply having one small portion from a larger package?
Last i checked, my dogs don't have opposable thumbs and this rely upon me to produce their from where i store them and apportion them as i see fit. Thus the need for 100 calorie packs utterly escapes me. If my dogs were overweight, i'd give them fewer treats. Imagine that! What a comically asinine product! Needless to say, i did not buy them. i simply had to share that experience with others.
To turn this blog back to the topic of kajira, i do stress over how indulged my dogs are and the likelihood that i will not be able to supply them with as many perks when i am with Master as they are currently accustomed to getting. That upsets me. i worry more about their response to the loss of usual luxuries than i do mine. i don't want them to feel denied or deprived.
The kajira moment i did have while in Walmart had nothing to do with the dogs. The clothing reminded me of just how shoddy my clothing is. So much of it is torn or stained and horrendous looking. As absurd as it is to want to get some new clothes before going to Master, in front of whom i'll rarely wear any, i do. i realized that i don't know what the limits are, if any, to the clothes i'll be able to wear in public situations. i texted Him from Walmart to ask and am awaiting His answer.
i accidentally skipped my meds last night and felt okay today though Joni told me i was even more obnoxious than usual today. i truly didn't see it in myself but i take Joni's word for it. i can't really play "catch up" with the meds but want to be particularly diligent in taking them now because MANY incidents i've had in screwing up have been after messing up with my medication several times in several days.
i'll stop there. Life is good. No complaints. i love Master and the family and can't wait to be with them irl. 162 days and they're dwindling fast. Woohoo!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
tasty
Master collared tasty for rl last night. tasty defies all views i've ever had as regards new kajirae and has proven to be a great asset to the family already. she blogged about exactly what she had already told me, the fact that watching my SL serve had been a strong motivator in drawing her toward online gor. she said she had only viewed grossly misportrayed scenes of gor online until getting to know Master and the family. i am left incredibly humbled by the impact my actions apparently had upon her. i am really stupefied by the fact that my serve could inspire someone so. i love Master with all my being but had lost focus on just how clearly that love is conveyed in a serve. tasty helped me reunite with the beauty of gor of which i had somewhat lost sight, even as i was living it. she also left me cognizant of the influence i might have on others even when i least realize it. When i did that serve, tasty was in the collar of another. i was thinking only of serving Master properly, which is as it should be, but what if that had been a moment i had chosen to unleash my inner bitch? Master might now be denied tasty's service. tasty might not have embraced gor again. v and rau and i might be denied someone i expect to be an awesome sister. The ripple effect of that serve has me floored. i've been struggling with leaving my job because it makes me feel as if i make a difference. tasty illustrated to me that there are many ways in which to make a difference. i owe her thanks.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What a Difference a Day Makes!!!
Yesterday i was despondent and hating myself and really feeling horrible. i blogged about how low i felt so i would remember it when i was tempted in the future to give in to my demons. Today i realize what it is i seek to recapture when i'm tempted to lash out at the very ones who show me the most love and kindness, especially Master. There is a high, a rush, a feeling of elation which eventually follows finding my way out of that dismal abyss. To seek it at the expense of others is utterly selfish and entirely unacceptable. But i wonder if there is another way to find it, a means which doesn't involve this hurtful route.
Also on my mind is Pete. i think i understand better now why he is so skeptical of my being Master's. The biggest glimpse he has of me is through this blog and i generally only blog when i'm miserable, overcome by stress and/or depression. Before i had this blog, Pete knew only what i shared with him and it was conveyed in a conversational exchange where he could ask questions and clarify things. i shared a lot with Pete. He knows me well. But he wasn't privy to a fraction of the inner workings of my mind as Master is. i'm guessing he believes he was though.
i feel no need to prove anything to Pete. He'll think as he wishes and it will either be compatible with remaining my friend or it won't. The thing is, i know he means well when he questions my choices. He sees only the bleakest moments and, to him, they paint a picture of someone unhappy. He hears about all the tears i shed but doesn't realize how much less i cry than i used to, how much less often and less intensely i hate myself, how i haven't cut once since being in Master's collar, how those who know me comment on how much happier and calmer and less hostile i am overall. Pete's responses are reasonable based on the limited picture he has of my current life. i have to be cognizant of that in my dealings with him.
A sort of slap in the face today came when i got called into the Assistant Principal's office. In the past days i knew i'd been uncharacteristically aggressive but i clearly hadn't realized how totally out of control it had gotten. One thing she asked about was my overdue paperwork. Thanks to Master, i completed as much as i could at home yesterday and the rest at work today. It was NICE to be able to say it was done.
She also asked me about my conduct at a meeting this past Friday at which i had been very disrespectful to her. i had seen it as joking but i guess i did have some sense it had gone too far. i guess i had put it out of my mind. She hadn't. In the past i would have argued with her. i would have gotten defensive and tried to assert that my conduct had been acceptable and it was within her misperceptions where the problem was. Thanks to Master, i knew better. And it wasn't even a consciously thought out thing. It was automatic. i referred to my behavior as obnoxious, said i had gone too far, and immediately apologized. Being to say that i am wrong and i am sorry used to be near impossibilities. Today they were second nature, a new skill which surely served me well.
i'm kind of paranoid at the moment because i don't know how or when i am going to find myself punished for yesterday. Waiting is part of the punishment, i know, and it also keeps me on alert to be at my best especially with Master. i don't like this feeling, obviously, but it also reminds me of how i need to behave and why. The list is mounting. The initiatory whipping is 13+1, more if yesterday added to it. i already have an unspecified punishment due from arguing with and disobeying Master while i was moving. Now this one. i don't know whether this will wind up being a rl punishment or not but, regardless, that's a pretty intimidating list. i do NOT want to add to it! i also have promised punishments already in place if i cut or call myself a freak. i haven't made those errors at least.
To end on a positive note, season 8 of American Idol started tonight. Woohoo! Master let me watch it offline which was awesome. i had worried He might not because of yesterday or might not let me watch it at all as my punishment if He knew how important it is to me. As much as i dread the whip and rl punishments, i'd rather almost anything to missing Idol. i'm THAT obsessed! Since it is on two or three nights a week until the May finale, i had better be really good. An Idol ban would be SUCK. i know it's ridiculous how strongly i need to see the show and carry out my related rituals but i REALLY do. Can i behave well enough for five months to never have to miss any? It's not a choice. i HAVE to.
Also on my mind is Pete. i think i understand better now why he is so skeptical of my being Master's. The biggest glimpse he has of me is through this blog and i generally only blog when i'm miserable, overcome by stress and/or depression. Before i had this blog, Pete knew only what i shared with him and it was conveyed in a conversational exchange where he could ask questions and clarify things. i shared a lot with Pete. He knows me well. But he wasn't privy to a fraction of the inner workings of my mind as Master is. i'm guessing he believes he was though.
i feel no need to prove anything to Pete. He'll think as he wishes and it will either be compatible with remaining my friend or it won't. The thing is, i know he means well when he questions my choices. He sees only the bleakest moments and, to him, they paint a picture of someone unhappy. He hears about all the tears i shed but doesn't realize how much less i cry than i used to, how much less often and less intensely i hate myself, how i haven't cut once since being in Master's collar, how those who know me comment on how much happier and calmer and less hostile i am overall. Pete's responses are reasonable based on the limited picture he has of my current life. i have to be cognizant of that in my dealings with him.
A sort of slap in the face today came when i got called into the Assistant Principal's office. In the past days i knew i'd been uncharacteristically aggressive but i clearly hadn't realized how totally out of control it had gotten. One thing she asked about was my overdue paperwork. Thanks to Master, i completed as much as i could at home yesterday and the rest at work today. It was NICE to be able to say it was done.
She also asked me about my conduct at a meeting this past Friday at which i had been very disrespectful to her. i had seen it as joking but i guess i did have some sense it had gone too far. i guess i had put it out of my mind. She hadn't. In the past i would have argued with her. i would have gotten defensive and tried to assert that my conduct had been acceptable and it was within her misperceptions where the problem was. Thanks to Master, i knew better. And it wasn't even a consciously thought out thing. It was automatic. i referred to my behavior as obnoxious, said i had gone too far, and immediately apologized. Being to say that i am wrong and i am sorry used to be near impossibilities. Today they were second nature, a new skill which surely served me well.
i'm kind of paranoid at the moment because i don't know how or when i am going to find myself punished for yesterday. Waiting is part of the punishment, i know, and it also keeps me on alert to be at my best especially with Master. i don't like this feeling, obviously, but it also reminds me of how i need to behave and why. The list is mounting. The initiatory whipping is 13+1, more if yesterday added to it. i already have an unspecified punishment due from arguing with and disobeying Master while i was moving. Now this one. i don't know whether this will wind up being a rl punishment or not but, regardless, that's a pretty intimidating list. i do NOT want to add to it! i also have promised punishments already in place if i cut or call myself a freak. i haven't made those errors at least.
To end on a positive note, season 8 of American Idol started tonight. Woohoo! Master let me watch it offline which was awesome. i had worried He might not because of yesterday or might not let me watch it at all as my punishment if He knew how important it is to me. As much as i dread the whip and rl punishments, i'd rather almost anything to missing Idol. i'm THAT obsessed! Since it is on two or three nights a week until the May finale, i had better be really good. An Idol ban would be SUCK. i know it's ridiculous how strongly i need to see the show and carry out my related rituals but i REALLY do. Can i behave well enough for five months to never have to miss any? It's not a choice. i HAVE to.
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