A LOT has been running through my head without structure or direction so i've decided to get some of it out and see if that frees up some brain space to function better. It's sort of like Master freeing up prim on the sim.
i've been having WEIRD dreams and i knew they were coming but, after refusing sleep for nearly three full days, i had to start sleeping again. It wasn't an option.
i'm still feeling MAJORLY rejected and worthless... by rau, by Master, by the job world. i just reread March 22nd's private blog. Some of it still applies. Some of it doesn't. Some of it eased up but has now flared up again because of rau. My Master, PLEASE read/reread March 22nd.
i want to hate rau and i'm mad at Master that i can't seem to accomplish that. He took my hate and replaced it with hurt and that sucks. The hate was comforting. i was good at it. Hatred: It's what's for dinner. Give it back, my Master!!! i'd MUCH rather be hateful than lonely. i'd MUCH rather feel unloving than unlovable.
my collar is turning my neck green and making it break out and it's NOT coming off except for a job, if needed, and that's not looking too optimistic at the moment. Master wants to spend money which we don't have and get a good one that is asphyxiatingly tight and both the state of the old collar and the potential new collar have me stressed.
i hate change. The sim keeps changing and the people and ponies here.. the fence... the barrels... the version of SL. If the technological advancement of the world was on my shoulders, i'd still be protesting the introduction of that radical new technology known as the wheel. i don't care if change is inevitable. That doesn't make it suck any less.
Being stressed and upset and overtired and under-medicated all have my moods bopping around crazily, including mild to moderate manic moments which, while amazingly fun for me, always seem to get on the nerves of everyone else. i can be totally fine then entirely depressed then giggling nonsensically with the slightest of catalysts. if any. Nothing so extreme as to be dangerous but it's draining to never know when i'll just switch gears and then to keep doing it, to know i can't trust my own thoughts and perceptions as much as usual, to wonder where they'll take me next and if i'll make it back.
i've been masturbating a lot which is always a sure sign of depression. i think i've given myself four orgasms within the last 36 hour which would have been a slow day about fifteen years ago but means uneasiness today. i'm actually a little sore. At least it's a fun way to self-soothe and i actually don't mind asking Master's permission nearly as much as i had anticipated i would. Well, as long as He says yes...
i ate a box of Girl Scout cookies the other night, the night rau ran, and felt like crap afterward. i want to overeat to numb myself at one level but am fighting it at another. That duality in my brain is distracting. i guess i feel rejected to the point of caring even less than usual what i look like. Fuck the health issues. i have no insurance and limited meds anyhow. i feel like if i can't do everything, why do anything for my health? i stuck a pin in my elbow the other day and clear liquid drained out. It amused me and Master didn't kill me for it. It actually needs it again, i think. i'm twisted, i know. This amuses me.
i also have blades stashed in my pocketbook that i can't bring myself to get rid of. i tell myself that i will and i plan to but i can't quite bring myself to do it. i put them there the other day after i cut. i used to carry a cutting source with me at all times with stashes in my pocketbook and car. i stopped doing that some months ago and it's back i know that that saying it here will lead to me having to get rid of them and that is VERY scary to me but i also know it's best for them not to be so readily available. If i do leave the house impulsively, it will be better if they are not there.
v's kind of a wild card. i'm not really sure what to make of some of what she says and does. i wind up getting frustrated and angry with her, if not with Master for His dealings with her. And then i'm always brought back to the fact that what i say and do is inevitably more screwy than what she does. i can't judge her as wrong simply for being different from me. my own brand of fuckedupedness isn't any more acceptable simply because it happens to be mine. i also worry that my thoughts from the 3/22 blog weigh in. The bottom line is, it's not my place to be deciding anything here anyhow. v and i get along easily and that's nice. It always has been. No matter how much or how little contact we've had in recent days, we can both snap into smut and stupidity mode and enjoy it.
Things my mother said about me and her and the family are still echoing through my head. Blogging about them the other day didn't help. i'm not sure what to do with the thoughts other than to force myself to cope with them. i think about my family, immediate and extended. i care about them. i love them. And yet i find contact with them excruciating so i avoid it like the plague. So they conclude that i don't think about them or care about them or love them. They are SO mainstream. They can't see that there is any way but theirs and i can't fit that little mold they have for me to pop into. They aren't bad. They are just blind. i can't open their eyes and i can't be what they wish nor can i keep going back to hear how i'm not doing so and need to start.
i'm sure there are a million more things that have been hounding my thoughts but none are surfacing now so i guess i'll close.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thank you, my Master
i was upset after reading the e-mail and got teary and, in that inimitable nou fashion, began mouthing off to Him... arguing... responding with sarcasm and belligerence. He asked if He needed to get the whip. Wake up call! i wanted to keep being a bitch and say i didn't care but i forced myself to process His words. No, my Master! He said that i may mourn losing rau but that i am NOT going to disrespect Him in the process. He asked if that was understood. Yes, my Master!
He was sweet also but He didn't let my day go down the path it WOULD have gone down without His intervention. And i stopped fighting Him when He snapped into serious mode. As a result, today has actually been okay... not fun or great but tolerable and not excruciating and not characterized by my racking up stupid behavior which, punishment or not, i'd regret tomorrow. He gave the day back to me and kept me out of my head as much as possible. i'm thinking and feeling but i'm also coping.
Who'd have guessed it was possible? my Master knew it was and He made me believe in Him enough to believe in that possibility too. Thank you, my Master. i love you.
He was sweet also but He didn't let my day go down the path it WOULD have gone down without His intervention. And i stopped fighting Him when He snapped into serious mode. As a result, today has actually been okay... not fun or great but tolerable and not excruciating and not characterized by my racking up stupid behavior which, punishment or not, i'd regret tomorrow. He gave the day back to me and kept me out of my head as much as possible. i'm thinking and feeling but i'm also coping.
Who'd have guessed it was possible? my Master knew it was and He made me believe in Him enough to believe in that possibility too. Thank you, my Master. i love you.
Got an e-mail on Yahoo
Just saw it now. It was sent less than an hour ago. It says rau has run away. she's gone. her last word to me... "yeah". you suck, rau, for leaving like that. And i suck more for allowing you in my heart.
Comfort and DIscomfort
The discomfort of the punishment gave way to a great respite of comfort. Now i'm hoping i'm not getting too comfortable already. i don't want to and can't let myself. Being overtired and under-medicated and stressed and generally insane aren't going to matter if i screw up and i do NOT want to screw up. i want that whip to be as retired as Archie is.
i spoke on the phone with my mother yesterday and what she said really got to me and stuck with me. she said i turned my back on her and everyone. she said that she KNOWS my conscience isn't clear. she said i need extensive counseling and that i can't run away from my problems because they'll follow me. i understand her feelings of being abandoned by me, especially with the suddenness with which the move came about. i realize that she has no idea just how badly off i'd been emotionally. The only thing that kept me from killing myself and/or anyone else was the knowledge that i would be moving soon. That is true quite literally. i didn't tell her that my psychiatrist thought the move was a great idea. She doesn't comprehend psychiatry or psychiatric medication. i couldn't tell her that i was moving to be who i am, slave, not running. i'd rather her view me however she does now than as even MORE pathetic and crazy and deluded.
In any case, her words have been echoing through my head since the conversation. i'm not sure exactly how i'm feeling as a result. i'm not questioning my decision because it truly was NOT a decision as much as a matter of survival. i guess i just don't like being the reason my mother feels as she does nor having her regard me as she is. Even pushing forty, there's a part of me that wants her approval in a way i do no one else's. i don't need it in order to do as i should but i do want it in a way i do no one else's.
Yesterday rau signed onto SL for a moment. she hadn't answered my texts in a long time and i'd been worried about her. i was so excited to see her there. i was glad she's okay. i know suicidality has been, if anything, more of an influence upon her life than it's even been upon mine. When i don't see her, i get mad and i start thinking about how i don't care about her and don't want to have anything to do with her. That always gets a bit sharper than the time before. Then she appears again in text or IM somewhere and i am inevitably overtaken by just loving her and being grateful she's safe and wanting to be with her. i wound up typing out about five lines of welcoming jubilations and expressions of concern along with the question "Are you there?". she IMed back "yeah" and that was all the response i got from her before she signed off and vanished again, probably having stripped the avi she made to play with me of whatever transferable items her new or hidden avis could use.
i'm not dumb. i get it. But what i don't get is why she won't just say it's over directly. i've given her that out a million times. rau, i'm okay. rau, i can handle it. rau, just TELL me you're done. And she always insists it's not or she wants time or she's confused. i'm not used to being dealt with this way and it's not the way i deal with others. It's cowardly. But the last time we spoke on the phone, just last month... it was PERFECT. i guess i want to be fool enough to hold out hope in my heart even though my brain knows damn well that there is none. i even stopped sleeping with her shirt as my pillowcase.
This is Master's fault. He made me willing to love others and to have an optimism about love that is undying. By His example, He showed me that it's worth it to risk one's self and feel. Damn Him! It's not. It sucks. It hurts when it fails and i'd rather just be hateful and alone than abandoned and rejected. i don't know if Master ever read the private blog about His rejection. He never commented on that one. There are some fleeting moments when i can glimpse optimism and it looks deceptively safe. No! Screw that. Solitude is safe. Isolation is safe. Hope sucks. Trust hurts. No, thank you. Fuck you, world. i AM a rock. i Am an island. And a rock feels no pain... and an island never cries...
i spoke on the phone with my mother yesterday and what she said really got to me and stuck with me. she said i turned my back on her and everyone. she said that she KNOWS my conscience isn't clear. she said i need extensive counseling and that i can't run away from my problems because they'll follow me. i understand her feelings of being abandoned by me, especially with the suddenness with which the move came about. i realize that she has no idea just how badly off i'd been emotionally. The only thing that kept me from killing myself and/or anyone else was the knowledge that i would be moving soon. That is true quite literally. i didn't tell her that my psychiatrist thought the move was a great idea. She doesn't comprehend psychiatry or psychiatric medication. i couldn't tell her that i was moving to be who i am, slave, not running. i'd rather her view me however she does now than as even MORE pathetic and crazy and deluded.
In any case, her words have been echoing through my head since the conversation. i'm not sure exactly how i'm feeling as a result. i'm not questioning my decision because it truly was NOT a decision as much as a matter of survival. i guess i just don't like being the reason my mother feels as she does nor having her regard me as she is. Even pushing forty, there's a part of me that wants her approval in a way i do no one else's. i don't need it in order to do as i should but i do want it in a way i do no one else's.
Yesterday rau signed onto SL for a moment. she hadn't answered my texts in a long time and i'd been worried about her. i was so excited to see her there. i was glad she's okay. i know suicidality has been, if anything, more of an influence upon her life than it's even been upon mine. When i don't see her, i get mad and i start thinking about how i don't care about her and don't want to have anything to do with her. That always gets a bit sharper than the time before. Then she appears again in text or IM somewhere and i am inevitably overtaken by just loving her and being grateful she's safe and wanting to be with her. i wound up typing out about five lines of welcoming jubilations and expressions of concern along with the question "Are you there?". she IMed back "yeah" and that was all the response i got from her before she signed off and vanished again, probably having stripped the avi she made to play with me of whatever transferable items her new or hidden avis could use.
i'm not dumb. i get it. But what i don't get is why she won't just say it's over directly. i've given her that out a million times. rau, i'm okay. rau, i can handle it. rau, just TELL me you're done. And she always insists it's not or she wants time or she's confused. i'm not used to being dealt with this way and it's not the way i deal with others. It's cowardly. But the last time we spoke on the phone, just last month... it was PERFECT. i guess i want to be fool enough to hold out hope in my heart even though my brain knows damn well that there is none. i even stopped sleeping with her shirt as my pillowcase.
This is Master's fault. He made me willing to love others and to have an optimism about love that is undying. By His example, He showed me that it's worth it to risk one's self and feel. Damn Him! It's not. It sucks. It hurts when it fails and i'd rather just be hateful and alone than abandoned and rejected. i don't know if Master ever read the private blog about His rejection. He never commented on that one. There are some fleeting moments when i can glimpse optimism and it looks deceptively safe. No! Screw that. Solitude is safe. Isolation is safe. Hope sucks. Trust hurts. No, thank you. Fuck you, world. i AM a rock. i Am an island. And a rock feels no pain... and an island never cries...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
He is Master, i am slave...
Today had absurdly dramatic lows and maybe some highs but i finally feel as if i am on solid footing again. i started off still kind of a mess from all that had gone wrong yesterday... my idiocy, Master's anger. i couldn't settle into a level state of mind. Then i found out that willow knew about my lunacy and was blaming Master for it. i couldn't sell her on the reality of the fault being mine and i couldn't cope with not only the damage i'd done to and with Master already but with the responsibility of hurting the way willow views Him as well.
So i cut. i picked up the razor blade, whispered an apology to Master who was asleep at the time, and carved "ALL BAD ALWAYS" into my stomach. It wasn't deep. It didn't hurt. It didn't help. i just began to stress over what Master would do when He woke up. That turned out to be warranted. He was MAD.
i sat in my spot at His order for what had to be close to a couple of hours, bored out of my mind, using lint and specks of dirt on the floor to embellish faces i tried to see in the hardwood grain, and wishing i was in the other room with Him. i wished that exactly until He called me there.
When i sit there, i can hear His every move. Every time His chair slides, i hold my breath and listen intently for either typing or footsteps to follow. If He types, i'm safe. He was just shifting positions. If He walks, it's anyone's guess. Is He coming for me? Did He get the whip? The day i took the car i had been SURE He had gotten the whip just before He called me out. It turned out He'd gotten out socks. Still, it's unnerving to sit there and listen and wonder and wait. Today was no exception.
He called me out finally and told me He wanted sandwiches. i made them. i was nervous and very careful to do exactly as He said. He didn't say anything about the punishment and i sure wasn't going to. He went to soak in the tub and i began to relax a bit more. He came out and i had no idea anything was up... until He sat down with the slave whip in His hand and ordered me to kneel for it. Yikes!
i was totally taken by surprise and it was scary. He whipped me and it was for real, not symbolic. It was powerful because of the totality of the experience. It hurt but i was so stunned that i wasn't even that aware of the pain until later on, afterward. Kneeling at His mercy while He wields the whip, unable to see anything except the wooden floor planks, willing myself to focus on His words and respond as He wishes... it is unsettling to say the least! As much as i hate to admit it, it also put my head back on straight.
Master made me remain in the whipping position after it was over. It was killing my elbow and i knew He'd probably let me shift positions if i told Him but i couldn't find my voice so i just dealt with it. He said i was to serve the rest of the night in absolute silence than ask me if that was understood. Um... ? i had NO idea how to respond to being sentenced to silence and then asked a question. Finally i nodded my head which i think He took as disrespect. i verbalized my quandry and He said i could respond with "yes, my Master" which i QUICKLY did.
It was uncomfortable afterwards. It felt awkward and i kept worrying that i'd forget and speak. my back hurt and i had to consciously will myself to stay calm and move forward rather than giving into the nervous stress i felt and falling apart. Master had been a Master. i knew it had been what i needed and i didn't want to do anything to make it so He couldn't be. i forced myself to keep it together and wound up on aol discussing the punishment with Pete. He was good about it and i appreciated that. Reflecting on it helped.
As the night continued, the tension eased up. i was in a heightened state of submissiveness which, thank God, has largely carried over to today and it feels AWESOME. i actually have peace and serenity when there's no gray area and i know my place and don't fight it. He is Master. i am slave. Period. i never feel better than when i am focused and clear on those roles.
i've had people treat me with kindness. J did for years. It was disastrous. Master's treating me with understanding and tolerance played out in no better a way. Pete and i had speculated for years what might happen if someone just kicked my ass and demanded i cut the crap and do as He said. When i first told Pete about the whipping the first thing he said was "Did it help?". i said i didn't know. It was too fresh at the time. But it did help. A lot. i see that now. It also sucked, though, and i don't want to bring another whipping upon myself. i just want this state of mind to last.
Another revelation last night was that i'd hurt Master physically the night before. i'd had NO idea i'd done it and have barely any recollection of the events of Thursday night. i was actively suicidal and fought Master off. In His getting a razor head from me, i had somehow cut and bruised His hand. It had been a real mess. i'd taken my meds into the bathroom and a chair and left Him a note on the private blog and it's kind of a blur but i know i kept running back in there and sat against the door to block it when He nearly broke it in. It scares me how crazy i can get, thinking i'm being rational at the time.
Master has probably seen me at my worst now. i can't imagine it getting any worse than a physical fight for pills and a razor blade in the bathroom. His hand is hurt. The countertop is askew from the cabinet beneath it. my memory of the events is hazy. i don't remember what else might have happened and i'm thankful for that. i can't be mortified by what i don't know.
To end on a positive note, things have been good since the punishment. It is relaxed again and i'm feeling like myself, in control and centered and knowing what is truly important. willow realizes that her reaction wasn't reasonable. Master seems to be relieved that i'm back to myself and i'm more aware than ever of the immense responsibility He has in dealing with me as Master. It's a risk to whip someone who was suicidal twenty-four hours earlier when you want what is best for her. He knows me well and rose to the challenge, angry with me for having doubted that He could.
i love you, my Master. i won't doubt you again. i appreciate all you have done and are doing and will do for me, the niceness and the harshness too. i don't want to make you be harsh again and i plan to do my damnedest not to. i know it hurt you to hurt me. That made it a million times worse. i don't want to hurt you any more than you do me and i know i did. i understand my demons to fight them off better next time because there will be a next time as much as i wish otherwise. Until then, my Master, i again beg your forgiveness and offer my thanks that your collar remains around my neck and my unworthy self at your kneel.
So i cut. i picked up the razor blade, whispered an apology to Master who was asleep at the time, and carved "ALL BAD ALWAYS" into my stomach. It wasn't deep. It didn't hurt. It didn't help. i just began to stress over what Master would do when He woke up. That turned out to be warranted. He was MAD.
i sat in my spot at His order for what had to be close to a couple of hours, bored out of my mind, using lint and specks of dirt on the floor to embellish faces i tried to see in the hardwood grain, and wishing i was in the other room with Him. i wished that exactly until He called me there.
When i sit there, i can hear His every move. Every time His chair slides, i hold my breath and listen intently for either typing or footsteps to follow. If He types, i'm safe. He was just shifting positions. If He walks, it's anyone's guess. Is He coming for me? Did He get the whip? The day i took the car i had been SURE He had gotten the whip just before He called me out. It turned out He'd gotten out socks. Still, it's unnerving to sit there and listen and wonder and wait. Today was no exception.
He called me out finally and told me He wanted sandwiches. i made them. i was nervous and very careful to do exactly as He said. He didn't say anything about the punishment and i sure wasn't going to. He went to soak in the tub and i began to relax a bit more. He came out and i had no idea anything was up... until He sat down with the slave whip in His hand and ordered me to kneel for it. Yikes!
i was totally taken by surprise and it was scary. He whipped me and it was for real, not symbolic. It was powerful because of the totality of the experience. It hurt but i was so stunned that i wasn't even that aware of the pain until later on, afterward. Kneeling at His mercy while He wields the whip, unable to see anything except the wooden floor planks, willing myself to focus on His words and respond as He wishes... it is unsettling to say the least! As much as i hate to admit it, it also put my head back on straight.
Master made me remain in the whipping position after it was over. It was killing my elbow and i knew He'd probably let me shift positions if i told Him but i couldn't find my voice so i just dealt with it. He said i was to serve the rest of the night in absolute silence than ask me if that was understood. Um... ? i had NO idea how to respond to being sentenced to silence and then asked a question. Finally i nodded my head which i think He took as disrespect. i verbalized my quandry and He said i could respond with "yes, my Master" which i QUICKLY did.
It was uncomfortable afterwards. It felt awkward and i kept worrying that i'd forget and speak. my back hurt and i had to consciously will myself to stay calm and move forward rather than giving into the nervous stress i felt and falling apart. Master had been a Master. i knew it had been what i needed and i didn't want to do anything to make it so He couldn't be. i forced myself to keep it together and wound up on aol discussing the punishment with Pete. He was good about it and i appreciated that. Reflecting on it helped.
As the night continued, the tension eased up. i was in a heightened state of submissiveness which, thank God, has largely carried over to today and it feels AWESOME. i actually have peace and serenity when there's no gray area and i know my place and don't fight it. He is Master. i am slave. Period. i never feel better than when i am focused and clear on those roles.
i've had people treat me with kindness. J did for years. It was disastrous. Master's treating me with understanding and tolerance played out in no better a way. Pete and i had speculated for years what might happen if someone just kicked my ass and demanded i cut the crap and do as He said. When i first told Pete about the whipping the first thing he said was "Did it help?". i said i didn't know. It was too fresh at the time. But it did help. A lot. i see that now. It also sucked, though, and i don't want to bring another whipping upon myself. i just want this state of mind to last.
Another revelation last night was that i'd hurt Master physically the night before. i'd had NO idea i'd done it and have barely any recollection of the events of Thursday night. i was actively suicidal and fought Master off. In His getting a razor head from me, i had somehow cut and bruised His hand. It had been a real mess. i'd taken my meds into the bathroom and a chair and left Him a note on the private blog and it's kind of a blur but i know i kept running back in there and sat against the door to block it when He nearly broke it in. It scares me how crazy i can get, thinking i'm being rational at the time.
Master has probably seen me at my worst now. i can't imagine it getting any worse than a physical fight for pills and a razor blade in the bathroom. His hand is hurt. The countertop is askew from the cabinet beneath it. my memory of the events is hazy. i don't remember what else might have happened and i'm thankful for that. i can't be mortified by what i don't know.
To end on a positive note, things have been good since the punishment. It is relaxed again and i'm feeling like myself, in control and centered and knowing what is truly important. willow realizes that her reaction wasn't reasonable. Master seems to be relieved that i'm back to myself and i'm more aware than ever of the immense responsibility He has in dealing with me as Master. It's a risk to whip someone who was suicidal twenty-four hours earlier when you want what is best for her. He knows me well and rose to the challenge, angry with me for having doubted that He could.
i love you, my Master. i won't doubt you again. i appreciate all you have done and are doing and will do for me, the niceness and the harshness too. i don't want to make you be harsh again and i plan to do my damnedest not to. i know it hurt you to hurt me. That made it a million times worse. i don't want to hurt you any more than you do me and i know i did. i understand my demons to fight them off better next time because there will be a next time as much as i wish otherwise. Until then, my Master, i again beg your forgiveness and offer my thanks that your collar remains around my neck and my unworthy self at your kneel.
Friday, April 17, 2009
And the Oscar goes to... nou!
i regret it already. i wish i hadn't cut. It did nothing except for making an unbearable situation even worse if that was even possible. Now i'm just dreading Master's waking up.
Master said last night that i'm not intimidated by Him. Of course He said that. i told Him i wasn't and i showed Him i wasn't when He was furious with me The thing is, i AM intimidated by Him! Very. When He shoved away the box i was leaning on last night, i nearly screamed. So many years of learning to hide fear from students have me automatically snap into this mode of a false and even cavalier calm that i don't feel. When a teenager with nearly a foot on me in height and a violent past threatens to kill you, you'd damn well better look to him as if you can hold your own. Well, when a Master with at LEAST a foot on me in height is demonstratively mad, it feels about the same and i snapped into the same mode. The fear stays dormant until later.
As with fear, so many of my emotions are submerged while in the heart of a situation, be it good or bad. No one is privy to them until later, not even me much of the time, until i choose to reveal what i'm feeling. Emotion is supposed to be spontaneous but mine aren't. i've learned that it's not safe for them to be and grown skilled in keeping them hidden. That's not kajira. If i come out of this with a collar still, i need to figure out how to stop filing away my feelings for a more private and convenient time.
If not...
i have NO idea what i'll do, not in any respect of my life.
Master said last night that i'm not intimidated by Him. Of course He said that. i told Him i wasn't and i showed Him i wasn't when He was furious with me The thing is, i AM intimidated by Him! Very. When He shoved away the box i was leaning on last night, i nearly screamed. So many years of learning to hide fear from students have me automatically snap into this mode of a false and even cavalier calm that i don't feel. When a teenager with nearly a foot on me in height and a violent past threatens to kill you, you'd damn well better look to him as if you can hold your own. Well, when a Master with at LEAST a foot on me in height is demonstratively mad, it feels about the same and i snapped into the same mode. The fear stays dormant until later.
As with fear, so many of my emotions are submerged while in the heart of a situation, be it good or bad. No one is privy to them until later, not even me much of the time, until i choose to reveal what i'm feeling. Emotion is supposed to be spontaneous but mine aren't. i've learned that it's not safe for them to be and grown skilled in keeping them hidden. That's not kajira. If i come out of this with a collar still, i need to figure out how to stop filing away my feelings for a more private and convenient time.
If not...
i have NO idea what i'll do, not in any respect of my life.
i Cut
It sucked. It was utterly useless and now i feel worse and want to cut more and worse. It didn't bleed enough or hurt enough. i only cut on my stomach, not on my wrists or neck at all. i was scared that if i cut the way i wanted to Master would force me to go to a hospital and i am NOT going. They'd admit me and i'm NOT going. i don't know what i'm going to do. i feel like i can't get through this situation and that i shouldn't. i don't exactly want to die right now, just to hurt, to pay for what i've fucked up, to suffer in a more obvious way than emotionally because i deserve to, to punish myself until i DO manage to find some respite from the pain inside. A few scratches aren't going to do it. i want deep gaping cuts with blood trickling down them and so much pain that my hand trembles as i elongate and deepen them. THAT is the kind of cutting that provides relief.
How can so very much go so very wrong so very quickly? That seems to be my specialty.
How can so very much go so very wrong so very quickly? That seems to be my specialty.
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