Fuck it!

i'm in a pissed off, "fuck it", feeling sorry for myself, hating the world mood. So... on that note... FUCK IT!  FUCK IT!!  FUCK IT!!!  FUCK IT!!!!  FUCK IT!!!!! 

Okay... moving right along...

GRRR!!!  i thought i knew what i was going to write about but everything that seemed "poor me" a minute ago sounds "whiny little bitch" now, even in my own head.  

And then i arrived home to Master's message about the kennel.  my very first thought was  peaceful, just being glad that Master made the decision and i didn't have to deal with it.

But that lasted about a split second before my mood reverted back to that oh so very eloquent sentiment of "fuck it"!  And now i just fucking realized that i'm fucking home alone and i fucking have to nadu and i don't even fucking know if i'm doing it right and i don't fucking feel like it!  i'm in the middle of setting up my pills in their containers for the week, which i cannot do in nadu because Norman will get to them, and they are looking REALLY good right now.  i hadn't thought of it in a while but i have a website saved that says how much of any different medication or combination of medications it takes to kill yourself.  i think it's based on a male of a certain base weight but how hard can it be to adjust?

What the fuck am i doing?  What the fuck am i thinking?  i hate how fucked up i am.  i hate everything about myself.  And what the fuck happens when Master figures out what a lost cause i am?  What then?  And i am so fucking fucked up that i'm distracted by the fucking fact that too many sentences start with "and".  i'm a fucking lunatic.

Great!  my meds were set and i was in nadu for all of about four seconds when j got back home.  And i don't know whether to take them anyway.  i can't take them without eating and i'm not eating.  i refuse.  And how the fuck can anyone eat normally when they are TOLD to eat normally but that they need to share everything they ate and drank?  It's like when the doctor jams a stethoscope in your chest and says to breathe normally.  Not fucking likely.

So i'm going to try to go to sleep with the inspired parting thought of "fuck it"!

Kennel

nou is off punishment... FINALLY... and, though it wasn't the smoothest segue off, i'm very happy about it.  i think i worked through a lot yesterday.  Master pushed me hard enough that i got to some things i'd been worrying about but wasn't ready to share.  i wonder if i had shared them in the first place if that might have gone more smoothly.  Probably so.  

Sometimes thoughts cross my mind and i don't always know which are important and which irrelevant.  The recurrent ones usually make it to my blog.  i guess i need to try not to weed out any and touch upon as many as i can in the blog.  Sometimes they show themselves as significant even when i wasn't expecting it.  And Master knows which to probe further.  He knows how.  He knows when.  It's not easy for me to have blind faith in anyone, even Him, but more and more i do.

There's still a part i need to give over to Him though, a piece of self i know i'm clinging to.  In the poem it was one foot remaining in the wrappings for the doll to scramble back if things got too scary.  Sometimes i have only one toe in there, other times my whole leg.  But i need to get to the point where NOTHING is in there.  i'm not sure that can be done online but i know it can go further than where i am now.  

For all my happiness in being unrestricted following the punishment, i actually find myself not wanting to leave the sims.  Part of it, i realize, is fear.  my box might be as small as the one Master built around me or indefinitely large... as large as the sims even.  i had reset sl to sign me on at home regardless of where i signed off.  i found myself signed on underwater in my spot.  But it didn't feel like my spot anymore, just foreign and wrong.  

i promised Master i wouldn't hide so i decided to go to my kennel and set that as home instead.  It seemed a simple enough idea and a good one.  Boy was i off the mark with that estimation!  i got there and realized that my cushion is in the first kennel.  That totally took me by surprise, an unexpected slap in the face i hadn't even been thinking about.

So now i don't know what to do.  i'm not going in the first kennel because i'm not first girl and i don't belong there or want to get in trouble.  But Master didn't say to remove the cushion either and i can't bring myself to do that until He does.  i thought i'd gotten used to the idea of not being first.  Apparently not!

So that left me having a little standoff with myself.  i just crawled into an empty kennel without any cushion and am now kneeling in there.  i haven't rezzed a cushion because i don't want this stupid kennel.  i want the one i can't have.  Wanting the one thing i can't have?  How unusual for me.. NOT!  i hated that kennel when it was mine.  i never used it.  i so totally took for granted that it was mine.

My home is still set for that stupid spot underwater.  I can't even understand how i found refuge there.  It just annoys me now.  But i don't know what to do about a kennel.  

LOL, amusingly enough i just got logged off sl for inactivity.  So i had to sign back on and find myself at that stupid spot i just complained about.  God does have a sense of humor!

In any case, i probably should set another kennel as home but i don't want to and Master never told me to.  Likewise with removing the cushion from the first kennel.  i'll do both the second Master says.  i await the order.  But that tiny piece of me that holds out hope of reclaiming first girl is not about to do either without Master's direction.  i'm not sure if that's stubbornness or optimism.  i'm inclined to say stubbornness since optimism is all but a foreign concept to me.  But maybe it is some of both.  

Bad

i want to do something bad.  Anything.  i don't have anything in mind.  It's not as i there is something i want to do but i'm not allowed to and i'm having trouble resisting the temptation.  i just want to do the wrong thing, to get in trouble, to have the security i always have right after Master punishes me.  

This from the same beast who wrote just a short time ago, and truthfully so, that she had never wanted so badly to be GOOD.  What the hell is wrong with me?  i feel like sybil!

misha imed me and we've been chatting.  It's been fairly superficial but i've calmed down a lot.  There truly is something helpful about dealing with socializing.

Out of Touch

i feel as if SOMETHING is wrong but i'm not really sure what.  i'm just uneasy.  i think this might be one of those times Master meant when He said not to be surprised if He pulls the whip on me when i don't think i've done anything wrong, a time when He can see i need it.  There has to be a way to bipass the whip and figure out what is going on.

Part of it, i think, is anticipation of my two extra days on the whipping posts being over today.  i have no idea whether Master intends to take me down.  The strange thing is that i'm not even sure of what i hope He will do.  Two days ago i thought i would be counting the seconds, that i couldn't wait to be down.  But now i sort of wonder.  It's comfortable there... not physically, of course, but safe in that it keeps me out of trouble.  i know my place there and can't possibly forget it.  i actually sort of like the sameness of signing on and seeing myself there and just not wondering what to anticipate.  

It is boring but there is security in boredom.  i'd rather stay there and behave than be let down and risk screwing up again.  i've never in my life wanted so badly to be good.  i want to prove i can be, to Master and to myself.  Maybe it is not just that i've never WANTED this badly to be good but that i've never before believed that there was any chance i COULD be.  The last few days have been so easy for me.  Behaving has been effortless like never before.  I haven't had to force it or fight myself to do it.  It was just... there.  Natural.  Right.  Automatic.  Simple.

When i began writing this, i thought i was worried that Master would NOT let me down from the whipping posts.  Now i realize i'm actually worried that He will.  It's amazing how out of touch i can be with my true feelings and also how much writing helps to illustrate them to me.

i just reread what i have written so far and it occurs to me that wanting to stay on the whippings posts is a cop-out of sorts.  It is a way of hiding, albeit in plain sight.  It's what i was doing with my rl for such a long time, sticking with sameness rather than taking a risk.  My rl WAS where i belonged at one time.  i loved and learned and grew a lot.  But when it came time to move on, i clung to it rather than letting it go.  What was once my elation is now killing me.

i guess being afraid to move forward when anything is over, even failing to see when it is over, is more destructive than i realized.  Things don't remain status quo because time continues to pass and other factors change.  So, rather than  just treading water and remaining in place, the stagnation starts to erode me, to chip away at my soul.  The same parameters that once fostered my progress are now the ones which hold me back and even cause me to regress.

i understand that i have to move forward in life.  i understand that the unknown is scary.  One of the things that makes it all the more terrifying for me though is how it can be so totally right at one point and, in time, become so totally wrong.  If that could happen with my marriage, why could it not happen with Master too?

The Moment of Truth

My first thought was to say that there was no real moment when i knew i was slave.  In considering that further, though, i think i can identify the turning point.  Writing in this blog after Master whipped me, i did feel a piece of the puzzle snap into place.  And with that the balance was tipped from me being free in my mind or thinking i can juggle the impossible duality to the definite and liberating realization that i am slave.  Since then, it has been increasing.  It's not absolute, not yet, and i know that puts me at risk for getting in my own way again.  

The funny thing about that moment is that it wasn't actually the idea that i am slave which was highlighted directly.  It was the idea that i was wrong.  i had truly been so arrogant as to think i couldn't be, not when i was so sure i was right.  The epiphany that i could be that blind to something which was, in hindsight and with the clarity of fresh lash marks on my flash, so obvious was truly a wake-up call for me.  It was in that moment that i really started to give myself over to Master, vowing to let myself trust Him, believing that He DOES know better than i do.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

My mind is reeling with the emotions of everything from being Master's truly to nou's plight.  i guess i'll start with the good now that there is some good.  Wait,  That's the wrong way to say it.  i should say that i'll start with the happiness because there is happiness now.  But the misery is good too because i need it.  i hate it and it hurts but i'm not fighting it because i know i need it.  No, i'm not fighting it because Master has decided i need it.  The fact i realize He is right is irrelevant.  He IS right.  Period.  Whether i realize it or not.  i'm not fighting it because i trust in Him and am truly striving to relinquish control to Him in all ways possible.

Anyway, the happy part was showering Master's beast this morning.  i was literally giggling in the shower.  i love the idea of thinking of myself as His, part by part... the idea of BEING His, part by part.  For some reason it sunk in more today.  i feel it more today.  Every move i make, every choice, every thought reminds me of Master and that i am answerable to Him.  i love that.  i want an opportunity to kneel but haven't had one yet.  i need to straighten up around the computer to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself i can do it.

Things with J are strained more than ever.  i feel as if i left him already.  Touching him is awkward.  It's hard to meet his eyes.  i keep thinking about what to tell him and how.  It is complicated by the fact that no one locally will support me in my choice.  They will all think i am crazy and being deceived and impulsive and making a mistake.  People don't just leave a secure job and marriage and family to be a slave to someone they've never even met.  There are friends i wish i could talk to but i don't think i can.  The fact is that any choice any of us make may be a mistake.  we don't have crystal balls.  i know this could be one too but it is mine to make.  And it is right.  It would just be nice to have someone i could talk with about it irl.

Moving on to nou, she is despondent but has learned more from this experience than from any other other by far.  As big an impression as the whipping made, as hard as i have been trying to serve Master as i should, as much as i vowed to not become complacent regarding my attitude... last night made me realize that i was already starting to drift back in that direction.  i knew Master would whip me any time He wanted but, even still hanging from a punishment on the posts, i was actually surprised He did.  What the hell is the matter with me that i can feel that secure so quickly and not fear the whip until it is about to strike?  Until i figure that out, my attitude with necessitate that Master keep punishing me to teach me.  

How could i have forgotten about the two extra days so entirely that i didn't even know what He was talking about when He referred to them?  Some of it, i think, was being so flustered from being whipped, from watching v punished which was just as bad as taking it myself, and from changing my tag.  But a part of me felt like it was over and needed to be shown that it wasn't and isn't going to be.  If i get so comfortable as to think it is behind me again, the trip back to the whipping posts will be a quick one.

The worst of it, other than His final parting words to "meat", was being made second girl from first.  i cried.  i felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.  i can't believe how much i had taken first for granted.  And every maladaptive instinct in my head threatened to emerge.  i wanted to run away in any way i can.  Some tantrumming brat piece of me actually wanted to say that if i couldn't keep first that i wouldn't stay.  i actually thought that.  i knew it was ridiculous but some part of me obviously still clings to that my-way-or-no-way mentality.  i can't think of a quicker route to getting my ass kicked irl.

Another part of me wanted to play martyr, to get down on myself and start punishing myself on top of what Master already was.  i wanted to keep the kajira-in-training tag on.  i wanted to beat myself up.  And i think i wanted to punish Master too, for making me hurt.  i wasn't mad at Him but i guess i didn't want it to be easy for Him.  Now i don't think it WAS easy for Him but i was just thinking selfishly then.  If i couldn't run then i wanted to stay and pout.

The growth is evident in the fact that i did neither.  i kept my mouth shut other than to respond to Master respectfully when needed.  i took no actions other than to obey Him.  i discarded my own agenda and just accepted that He is in control and knows best.  i don't think i ever really understood what Master meant when He has s aid to just "be".  But maybe this is it.  Letting it happen instead of making it happen.  Usually a it of time and distance sheds a new light on things for me as it has with this.  Working through the hurt to get to that point of lucidity is a challenge but it is possible.  i did it.

Talking to susie has been eye opening.  i seem to say to her the things that i need to hear myself say.  It kills me to admit it but Master WAS completely right about everything right down to enforcing the two extra days and taking first away.  Some idiotic part of me thought He might not so He HAD to.  Why do i need Him to be that harsh in order for me to learn and remember anything?  Will i ever get the message without His having to torture me with it?  It is not for lack of trying on His part to do otherwise.  i'd still be clueless and mouthing off if He hadn't punished me.  i don't doubt that for a second.  i hope that i can start to learn without punishment but i'm not sure how to get from here to there other than to keep working at absolute obedience not just in deed but in attitude.

Day One... One Day...

i'm leaving behind 

all i thought i valued,

A life predictably secure,

For the true course i am destined to charter,

The Gor books my travel brochure.

This mantra keeps me focused.

Its truth has now become my creed.

Liberation is torture.

Through submission i am freed.

Where now are the fears 

that hobble with their grasp,

Anxieties once my slaver?

They've shrunken to size, parasitic no more,

Today it's happiness i savor.

This mantra keeps me focused.

Its truth has now become my creed.

Liberation is torture.

Through submission i am freed.

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i feel as if i am ducking the question, as if i SHOULD have stronger worries and doubts than i do.  But i don't want it to become a self-fulfilling prophesy either.  Today WAS wrought with emotion as Master suggested.  i was HAPPY.  Honestly, truly, purely happy.  i felt settled, calm and content, as i haven't in years.  

i don't feel trapped but embraced.  i keep looking for a loophole, a problem, as if i'm not allowed to be happy... not even allowed to write about it.  The truth is that, for all my concerns, by far the most prevalent emotion is happiness and a huge sense of relief.  i don't know why i feel as if i'm shirking some kind of duty by NOT being unhappy and having some sort of misery to write about.  i really don't think i even know how to be happy without getting in my own way.  

i guess that is the revelation of the day.