Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One More Thing
i'd always thought that begging forgiveness was for Master's benefit, that He was owed an apology and that i was giving Him that to which He was entitled. While that may be true, i learned yesterday that it is closer to being entirely backwards than accurate. When i tried to beg forgiveness yesterday, Master wouldn't allow me to. He wouldn't hear it. He'd never refused to let me before but He did yesterday and it was horrible. i learned something from it though. Begging forgiveness is for ME. i always saw it as a means of humbling myself and admitting culpability and taking a step toward making things right. But i'd thought i was doing those things for Him. When He didn't allow me, i realized that i truly am entitled to nothing He doesn't grant, even the privilege of begging His forgiveness. i would have given anything if He'd just have heard my words. That new perspective profoundly changes the way i'm viewing things.
New Day, New Outlook
Yesterday was a VERY rough day. i definitely did more crying than laughing. But a lot of good came of it. i got out of my own head and into the real world more and it's already spilling over into today in positive ways. i spoke with v in a full conversation rather than just a three word exchange of information. i don't know why i don't speak with her more. i love her and am always glad after i do. i also made myself speak to Master about a lot of things that were on my mind rather than blogging about them. It's a challenge that pays off because i DO feel better when we interactively communicate. i was sure He was the one not accessible for talking but it turns out He's right there and ready when i actually stop typing and speak. It's kind of pathetic that that's a revelation to me.
This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.
The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.
i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...
forgetting my place AGAIN
and having an attitude AGAIN
and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level
i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.
But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.
A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.
i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.
i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?
If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.
This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.
The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.
i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...
forgetting my place AGAIN
and having an attitude AGAIN
and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level
i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.
But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.
A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.
i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.
i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?
If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Don't Know What to DO with myself
Was fine... or thought i was... upset with myself for screwing up but feeling like it would work out okay... eager to beg Master's forgiveness and deal with any punishment and hopefully just move forward... washed the dishes, took a shower... and now i just started thinking about my mother and burst into tears and feel as if she'll never speak to me again and i don't want to turn forty especially if she's not going to speak to me and i'm on borrowed time because Neal is dead anyhow and i don't want to wake Master, not that it's even POSSIBLE to wake Him, because He's mad at me too and because He's out of cigarettes until i bring Him home any later so i don't want Him to have to be awake without them any longer than necessary and the dogs have no food until i get home later and i feel guilty about all they don't have and i just want some kind of comfort but i don't know how to find any.
Jittery
i feel REALLY jittery, in one of those states where i wouldn't dare cut because i don't think i'd stop, where i'd feel no pain and get a rush from watching the blood drip down my body. i'm not suicidal right now. i just don't trust myself to stop cutting once i start because i won't want to stop.
This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.
i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.
But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.
Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.
But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.
This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:
"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."
Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:
"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."
A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.
The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:
He is Master. i am slave.
He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.
He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.
This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.
i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.
But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.
Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.
But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.
This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:
"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."
Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:
"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."
A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.
The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:
He is Master. i am slave.
He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.
He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Knowing
It's been weird these past few days because i've been stressed to the brink (that blog will follow) but also sensing things without being told them. i knew v had blogged without anyone having told me. Knew it. Went to her blog EXPECTING to see new entries even though she hadn't blogged in weeks. Would have been surprised not to. There has been a lot of that in the past few days. Weird.
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