Hopeless

Fucked up...

Feel like shit...

Want to die...

Feel like i did too much damage to move forward...

Can't think...

Need to stop thinking, feeling, living...

Itching to at LEAST cut...

Hate myself...

Ready to end it for good...

Finding no release in these words...

Dismal.

Today is ON HOLD

Okay. today is barely underway yet and i already know... KNOW... that my mood is off. Yesterday was SUCH a blissful reprieve! i was happy and relaxed and SANE. Things were in perspective. my thoughts held up to reason. i was grateful just to feel all right. Today i'm fighting tears and self-loathing and obsession. But i have the gift of awareness. i realize the state i am in.

So what do i DO about it?

my plan is to put it on hold. Today's anger is going to wait until tomorrow. If i evaluate it tomorrow and it still holds up then i can be angry tomorrow. But, for today, i'm suspending all anger and hostility. i'm especially not going to victimize Master with it. i'm going to save it and examine it in twenty-four hours for merit.

If i need to, i'm going to blog. i'll take a bath. i'll respectfully ASK PERMISSION and take a walk... or a nap... or a time out in my spot. i'll channel it into frog's steeple runs, work on the puzzle, take all the photos i've been wanting to. i'll cook something new. i'll blast my favorite songs through earbuds. i will say the serenity prayer and the slave creed. BREATHE.

And i will reread this blog entry and yesterday's too. i'll make myself remember that feelings aren't facts and that they pass.

nou? If you are reading this, ride it out. i know how it SEEMS but walk through it and know there's safety and sanity on the other side. you CAN do it and you MUST. you are loved. As sure as you are that you couldn't possibly be, that you SHOULDN'T possibly be, still you ARE loved. Cut yourself some slack and just BE. All the hateful things you are sure you must do can wait until tomorrow.

Today is yours. Don't give it to anyone else, not even Master, unless you can do so with love. There is NOTHING He can say or do today which will change or negate these ON HOLD plans. Absolutely nothing. Make Him proud of you, girl, Make yourself proud. Don't overanalyze this. Don't question it at all. That too can wait until tomorrow.

Let life happen. your assistance is not needed to move it along until tomorrow.

Ricochet Moods

Oh my God! For several days i have had periods of anger and depression with them becoming increasingly extreme and easily provoked. Yesterday i was basically either raging or crying all day and was in and out of my spot a million times. i'm writing this now because i actually feel lucid at the moment.

Master has been awesome and i have been insane. Part of my insanity has included a great deal of anger in His direction. At who else would i direct it? He is here.

So, my Master...

- for telling me you love me even when i keep telling you don't

- for acting as if my lunacy is normal

- for reassuring me despite my unwillingness to be reassured

- for bearing the brunt of the hostility that has little to do with you

- for not immediately trying to manipulate me into calling my shrink for more drugs like j always did

- for a BILLION other things, both ones i notice and ones of which i'm not even aware...

Thank you for having the patience of a saint and putting up with me. Thank you for being my Master. i love you even if my sick mind tells me otherwise sometimes . i love you even if my vicious mouth tells you otherwise sometimes. i love you, plain and simple, pure and true. i love you.

Why?

Why am i such a freak? Yes, i used the f word. i really don't care right now if saying it is going to get me a punishment a year from now or whenever Master decides what fits. Whatever. i am just totally frustrated and upset and i can't calm myself down and i keep crying and i feel like i'm heading for a breakdown. If i wasn't so stupid in the first place, i wouldn't even BE in trouble right now because i would have gotten all of the cues that SHOULD have been obvious, that WOULD have been obvious to someone who's not a freak.

Master tried to help. He wanted me to come dancing on SL with a bunch of ponies and Him. i hated the idea and He didn't make me. He said He wanted me to have fun. So why can't i? Why can't i unwind the same way everyone else does? Why isn't it fun for me? Answer? One word... five letters... begins with "f".

i can't let Him calm me at all. He came into the kitchen behind me and hugged me and was very sweet. Very. i just stiffened up and started crying and felt all the more a freak. It's like i exist in my own little universe and i can't cross into the one where everyone else is or let them cross into mine. i don't know how. Maybe it can't be done.

From the sound of it, Master thinks i'm worried about money. i'm not. i probably should be but i'm just not that much. There's a ton of food here to eat. It might not be our first choice but we have stuff to last a while. Instead i worry about Him freaking out over the auction not going as He'd hoped or over having to eat something that's not what He'd really prefer.

i worry about my own irrationality. i know my perceptions have been off base all day today. Master does too and He's been super nice since i became a total basket case but in that way that feels condescending, talking to me like i'm three and am not to be upset at any cost. He fucking offered to help me cut sausage and explained how challenging a task it can be. Um, look at the God damned computer screen instead of watching me and the sausage will get cut just fine, thanks. i'm good that way. i can take a disgusting hunk of lard and spicy pig eyelids and manage to get it into patties. i hate being viewed as pathetic and inept even if i am.

i know this mood. It will pass and everything will seem fine for a while. Then it will return again. WHAT NOW?

willow Strikes Again

WILLOW: i finished reading your blog.

nouhandlefortoo: okay

WILLOW: nou, this is not the person that i look up to...

nouhandlefortoo: ouch
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i feel about two inches tall right now. i have felt like crap since yesterday but willow's words just cut to the core and hurt.

A LOT.

i'm STUPID

Okay, it's 6 pm and i've already screwed up more things today than i can count. The dumb part is that if i was able to get the things that most people get, it wouldn't have gone as badly as it did. i have a punishment looming over me now, an unknown one thus far, and i am SCARED.

"Things" is a really ambiguous noun there. By things that most people get, i mean social cues and connections. i really was oblivious to a bunch of what happened until Master was scolding me about it and some of what He said filled in the gaps that i hadn't even realized were vacant.

Master had agreed to use the word "enough" to let me know when i was pushing things too far with Him and needed to back it down because i was in danger of crossing the line in terms of angering Him and earning punishment. Now i'm not stupid in most ways. i'm really not, or at least others seem to think i'm not. But the context in which we had discussed "enough" was me mouthing off, being sarcastic, and arguing. It came about specifically after an excursion to Walmart during which i had been monstrously obnoxious.

You'd think that i'd be bright enough to generalize "enough" to other situations as well. Master said it when i was trying to wake Him this afternoon, cuing me to stop and let Him sleep. i literally had NO idea He meant it as THE word. i really didn't. i'd been working intermittently on waking Him for over two hours at that point and was frustrated as hell. i wasn't being especially mouthy at first and He'd never had occasion to use "enough" that way before and i just had no idea that He was doing it then.

Then He got all pissed off about not using "words" because... well... i don't recall what He said exactly but i had no idea what He was talking about. You'd think i could have made the connection on my own, if not at that moment then when i calmed down. Nope. i remained totally oblivious until He was reprimanding me and mentioned it. If stupid is as stupid does... well, the stupid fits here.

So, it turns out Master had done exactly as i'd asked Him to do and i was too clueless to realize it and i got mad because i didn't understand why He got mad. my response to His anger was to bolt out of the house. It wasn't impulsive. i stopped to use the bathroom, made sure i had my phone and ipod, grabbed a bottle of cold water for the road, and took His car key. i left the kitchen a mess and didn't say a word about the fact that i was going. Not very slavelike.

At first i just drove with no destination in mind. i had to get away from Him and the house. i wanted to curse Him out and to break things, both of which seemed like extremely bad ideas. Fight or flight. i fled. i passed a landing where there was a party boat docked and people fishing. It looked nice. It felt safe and familiar. i parked and first sat in my car enjoying the air conditioning then got out and sat on the landing listening to my ipod and texting with Joni. i didn't tell her that anything was wrong because i knew i'd badmouth Master to her and i didn't want to do that.

Then i saw the date on my phone and thought yet again about how tomorrow is my twelfth wedding anniversary. i texted Jason a long message just telling him some things i hope he knows, especially that i do love him and always have. It was a hard text to write, a hard one to send. It probably just sounded inane in the end but i used up all the characters my phone allows and didn't think i'd be able to improve upon it anyhow. i hope he understands what i said. i hope he believes the truth of it. He won't do either, i know.

i had been mad until i recalled Master's not feeling well from cutting the grass yesterday. i envisioned my antics stressing Him unduly and causing Him to have some sort of medical crisis as a result. i was immediately calm enough to return home. i had a knot in my stomach about what would happen when i got there. i was sure Master was going to whip and chain me and i guess, without formulating it into specific imagery in my mind, i expected an ambush at the door. i was afraid and one of the big fears was that i needed to use the bathroom and He wouldn't let me. i considered stopping at a restroom on the way home but really had no idea where to find a close one and didn't want to be gone even longer.

So i got home and was terrified of walking inside and entered the house with Master's car keys, my pocketbook, and the water bottle in my hands. Master was sitting at His computer and gave me a look that i don't know how to describe but hope never to see on His face again. It was as if the pilfered keychain was burning a hole in my hand. i just immediately tossed it onto the box table in front of Him and ran into the bathroom before He could stop me, not that He tried. i used the bathroom and, since Master hadn't yet directed me otherwise, was going to take the dogs out since they were hyper about my return and also probably needed to go out.

i hadn't realized it but Master's perception was that i had thrown the key at HIm and, in reality, that's exactly what i had done. i hadn't meant it in any sort of rude way though and hadn't realized it appeared that way. The very LAST thing i wanted was to make Him even angrier and i'd had no idea i had done so until He mentioned it while scolding me. Again, stupid. Why don't i see these sorts of things as others do? i never have. It's part of why i hate people, a big part. It's like they all operate based on a rule book that no one ever gave me and i can't figure out on my own.

Also, when i'm scared or otherwise upset, i don't process things as well as when i'm calm. Just as i had missed the rudeness in my throwing the key to Master, i didn't even know what He wanted when He was directing me to kneel for the scolding. i was so worried about doing exactly as He said that i didn't even understand His direction until He said it concretely. It occurs to me that much of my self-analysis throughout this entry could as easily describe any number of my former students.

So, i cleaned up the mess i'd left in the kitchen and am now, obviously, on the computer blogging. i'm awaiting sentencing which is probably the worst part. i'll deal with whatever the punishment is but i hate not knowing and i'm sure that's the reason for the wait. Master well knows it. i hope He doesn't finally tell me something like "you will be whipped... tomorrow". i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

i think i'll sleep regardless. i crashed hard from a Vicodin yesterday and slept but then never went to bed all night and was struggling to remain awake for my fruitless efforts to wake Master earlier. As scared as i was, i could barely remain awake sitting in my spot when i got home waiting for Master to call me out to listen to His laundry list of my screw-ups today. Being sleep deprived can't have helped my mood any and i HAVE to get sleep tonight. Hopefully the night will play out in such a way that i can.

The Old Me

i feel like i recaptured some of the old me yesterday, the me that is slave and knows it and wants it. There are several reasons this happened and all involved my dealing with... of all things... other people.

willow's blog helped me to re-examine my transformation and evolution as kajira. she's fifteen yet i could have said so many of the things she did in equal truth at my current state.

her description of downplaying compliments is exactly what i do and always have. i love when Master pays me a compliment but it is SO awkward to hear and i never know quite how to react or respond. i never meet His eyes then and just try to move the subject along expeditiously. i hate having positive attention focused on me in exactly the same way willow described.

willow's description of enjoying doing things for others rings true for me as well. It has always been on my terms before but it is in my nature. Since being in Master's collar, the list of people for whom i did such things expanded a millionfold. The who stopped mattering nearly as much as the what did. i began to let myself enjoy serving others rather than faulting myself for wanting to do so. That has been one of the nicest surprises being here with Master. The chores, while still chores, are satisfying. i don't despise and tolerate them as i suspected i would but actually feel satisfied with myself for doing them. i enjoy some of them at times. i like that i can finally do things i could never force myself to do and i like helping Master. i've been more proud of my newfound ability to deal with housework than i usually was when i had a "real" job.

willow's description of needing to capitalize on her stubbornness while shedding her immaturity sure hit home. It's embarrassing that at nearly forty i can make the same self-assessment as a teenager just beginning to emerge into her own. It's time to channel the stubbornness more appropriately even though it will mean fighting long-ingrained habits. It's a source of my not liking myself and needs to be left behind along with the former me.

willow's talk of frugality also turned into something which made me feel good. Growing up on Long Island, rich in the eyes of most of the country, i really did wonder whether i'd be able to adjust to owning nothing and not having what i've been used to materially. First of all, Master has been true to His word about letting me hang onto things like the ipod. i recognize it as a privilege rather than a right or a possession of mine and there have been times i worried that He'd take it or the phone in punishment. It's not as if we've dealt with any deprivation of any kind yet but there are things i would have wanted and demanded and gotten back on Long Island that, at most, have been occasional fleeting thoughts here. The same things whose absence would have sent me into a tailspin a month ago now mean nothing. i don't see this worry as coming to fruition any longer. i'll deal with what we have and what we don't. my being spoiled is more a matter of attitude than items.

Okay, moving on from willow, my teenage mentor...

There were other revelations yesterday as well. One thing was that Master said He would have whipped me the other night had the lights been back on and i not been afraid of how creepy it got outside. i haven't believed Him the other times He's alluded to it but this time i do. He meant it. Yikes. It would have been well-deserved but... yikes. It sounded a lot more palatable when i didn't thing He'd actually do it. i don't know if He'd have actually hurt me but i also don't know how much He'd have needed to for it to totally suck. i don't want Him to regret not doing it then or give Him reason to do it again. i'd resigned to shape up my attitude even before He told me about it and think i did at least somewhat better yesterday but there's plenty of room for further improvement.

i haven't found a balance yet with the line between humor and disrespect, especially since it admittedly hinges upon Master's mood. Then again, i've never managed to define and stay on the correct side of that line with anyone or in any situation my entire life. Master feels as if He warned me and i'm sure He did. i really am oblivious to when the responses of others are playful and when they are serious under these circumstances. It's gotten me into trouble my whole life.

The night of the power outage wasn't a question of walking the line. i was WAY over onto the other side without a doubt. Often it is a matter of my not being able to identify that line though, nor the signals from the person who's defining it in a given situation. v's idea about Master saying enough was awesome. If He blatantly identifies the line for me then i think i'll have the sense to respect it. If i don't then i imagine He'll teach me to in a way i don't like. At least i won't be left in the doghouse, when it's way too late, worrying where i went wrong that turned fun into a fiasco.

Dealing with v last night was also revealing in other ways. her upset about trying to balance between free and slave worlds was obviously relevant to me. Beyond that though, she made me think about the differences between serving online and in person. When it was only online, i was so much more keenly aware of my role and the responsibilities of it. i guess maybe that's because it was defined... When i sit here and do this, i am being slave. When i'm elsewhere... well... that slave thing is a factor but it's somewhat on the back burner, of necessity as much as convenience. Also, i was more in touch with the fact that it was on me to be slave, not Master to make me be. His power was obviously that which i gave Him and no more.

In person i developed the attitude that, since He is now in a position to make me do as i should, it is His job to do so. That's absurd. i am slave whether He chooses to tolerate insubordination or not and, as such, i'd damn well better behave like one. When i don't it's unfair to Him and to myself. Neither of us is happy. i feel like crap and He can't possibly feel very good either. i let us both down. It's not my place to question why He tolerates what He does and His tolerance should bring about a lack of effort on my part.

i did see that finally and blogged about it in the morning yesterday but it was further reinforced in numerous ways all through the day. Master and i even discussed it directly for a moment. It may have been slow in coming but at least i know this now. Hopefully my obstinate streak won't erase my memory at the wrong time.

There are two other issues on my mind. One is my elbow which i'm really becoming convinced needs to be dealt with medically, as much as i despise the idea. my insurance SHOULD still be valid as far as i know. The other issue is the second blog i now have, a private one. It's ludicrous that Master not have full access to it and, as much as i am mortified for Him to read some of it, i also recognize the importance of His knowing what and how i'm thinking. So no more hiding the blog. i will send Him the link and hope that He reads it all, as nervous as that still makes me. i'm never going to be comfortable in my own skin hiding facets of myself from Him. As my teenage counterpart put it in her blog, i feel exposed. she said, "... it's not about me and my comforts, in the end this will make me a better kajira and i definitely want to do my best and take advantage in what i can with my limits". Well said, willow.