Invisibility

When things start to spin out of control as they have been, i lose all perspective on things and a part of that is not knowing that i have lost all perspective.  Master tried to tell me and i couldn't hear Him, couldn't believe Him.  Even as He was telling me i knew ---KNEW--- that He was right and that i was falling back into that abyss but it was almost as if i was watching it happen.  It didn't feel like anything i could have an effect on.  

i've been feeling this way since yesterday, as if i'm free-falling and nothing i do is going to have any effect on any of it.  i cry so much it seems like i never stop.  i've been screaming at everybody at home.  i was so frustrated at one point that i grabbed a pair of needle-nose tweezers that are on my computer table, a watchmaking tool, and scratched my arm with them.  It didn't bleed but there's a tiny pink line there and it makes me feel better.  i punched a file cabinet but that just annoyed me more.  i want to REALLY cut, to bleed, to feel like i am alert and alive.  

i cursed at Master on Yahoo.  i was in my own head so much so that i didn't even feel as if i'd done anything horrible.  It really was as if i was a spectator at a distance.  There's line in The Goo Goo Dolls' Iris that says "When everything feels like a movie, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive".  That's how i feel.  i know i can't damage Master's property like that.  i also know i have to.  i'm fighting myself inside my own head.  i'm insane.  i'm so crazy.  i hate being crazy.

Master has been amazingly lenient with me lately.  He has had tons of reason to punish me and hasn't or to do so more harshly than He has chosen to.  And i find myself on familiar ground.  Even the whip tonight didn't shake me from this funk and i'm remembering a time a while back when i told Master to go ahead and whip me because i was so numb i wouldn't feel it anyhow.

Every time i get to this point, i know it.  i know where i've been, where i am, and where i'm headed but it's like watching a train wreck with no ability to stop it.  the only thing that ever stops it is Master and His whip.  It's as if i have to reach some absolute low before i can start to recover and move in the right direction again.

The times Master has whipped me... REALLY whipped me and coupled it with redefining my world in the terms i need to see it by being amazingly harsh... i have snapped out of this.  It's as if He has had to make me feel so small that i was about to disappear and cease to exist.  Only then have i actually felt any motivation to continue existing and been able to focus and work my way back.

But there's a HUGE cost to this.  It's been devastating to me to keep regressing to that place of virtual nothingness.  When i'm there, i hate myself for mistreating Master and for His needing to keep dealing with my bullshit.  i hate losing privileges and whatever niche they might have made me feel was mine, even if it wasn't.  

i could care less if i ever wear clothes on the sims, seldom venture off anymore, and am glad v is first girl.  Still, when i don't have something i used to, i feel like i'm worth less than i was.  i don't want first back.  i just want to stop feeling as if i'll never get back to being wherever i was in Master's mind before He took it.

And now i'm crying again!  Kleenex is at no risk of going bankrupt any time in the immediate future.  i'm seeing to that.  But that's the cost of needing to be treated that way by Master to get my act together.  He tries to go easy on me and be nice but i can never manage to get back on track until He totally beats me down in every sense of the word.  i am utterly clueless as to how to change this.

That also begs the question of how this will play out in real life where i can't put on a meter and get beaten to 5% and then just turn it around from there.  What will happen when i'm this much of a mess?  What will Master do and how will i respond?  How much will i hurt Him?  How much will i make Him hurt me?  How do i get out of this without going down that same horrible road every time?

Whipping Posts

It's been a long and trying day and i imagine that's why i got as upset as i did so quickly.  When Master said to follow Him outside because He had to rez the whipping posts, i started to panic. i got a knot in the pit of my stomach.   My god, i hate those things!   Logically i knew that i wasn't in any kind of trouble and wouldn't be whipped this time.  It didn't matter.  

i thought He might whip kalli and i didn't want to see that.  i couldn't bear the thought of watching.  When He rezzed the whipping posts, i started to feel even more out of control.  i started crying.  All i do lately is cry.  But i couldn't even look at them... nor could i take my eyes off of them.

i wanted to ask Master if i could go back inside the club or to my spot but i was afraid he would ask why.  i was afraid that if he knew i didn't want to see the posts that He would say i needed to see them and remember it could be me up there.  But i could never forget that.  They terrify me.  i don't even know why but they truly do.

Honestly, if i was kalli, i'd rather have gotten the whipping over with than having it hanging over my head until tomorrow.  i'd never sleep knowing it was coming.  Waiting for a punishment is horrible.  i don't know how kalli feels about it but i could feel it on her behalf.

The only whipping i've ever witnessed other than my own was v's and it was mercifully brief.  It was excruciating to watch her up there and almost feel as if i was there in her stead.  Every time Master asked her something, i willed her to answer Him quickly and respectfully so that nothing would get any worse and it could hopefully end.  

i felt exactly the same way about kalli tonight. Every time she answered in a way that wasn't what might have been ideal like "okay" instead of "yes, Master", i cringed and willed her to correct herself, hoping Master would let it go.  Thank god He did.

When she was finally off the posts and hadn't been punished, i got up the nerve to ask to go to my spot and Master allowed it.  i haven't been using my spot nearly as much as i used to and i hadn't realized that until i asked Master to go there.  i don't want to be anywhere nearby if Master whips kalli tomorrow and, if i'm on SL, will ask Master if i can go there again.

What constitutes abuse of a consenting adult?

Today started off horribly and has not taken any turns for the better.  i was sound asleep with a loud fan on its highest speed and earplugs with the highest commercially available decibel blockage in my ears.  i was awoken by the sound of e having a tantrum over s not getting punished, by his estimation, as severely for stealing from me and he had gotten for stealing from j.  Life is just full of what he considers these gross inequities.

i got up and immediately turned on the computer, my security blanket and link to those who accept, understand, and can even relate to me.  i started crying and rau, who has been a godsend this past week, listened to me whine and cry on voice for a while and talk about wanting to be dead.  i actually pulled out the Hiding the Bodies chore notecard that i hadn't viewed in months and read it over.  Living to fail, failing to live.  That line had always stood out in my mind and it did again today.

rau asked if i had told j that i couldn't go on living like this any longer.  i had.  she asked what j said.  He said he wouldn't let it continue.  He has said that a million times in a million ways for what feels like a million years.  And i keep telling him honestly, just as i did this morning, that it's not within his control.  It's not a matter of a lack of effort on his part.  Living like this is killing me and i need out.  One way or another, i need out.

When j had then left to drop the boys at the bowling alley, i had sobbed to rau on voice and indulged myself in a bit of a nou pity party.  j returned home alone and said that he would take me out to breakfast.  He was going out of his way to be nice.  In the car on the way to the diner i told him that nothing is going to change.  he said that he thinks we need to spend time together and things like that.  i was very clear about it being over and me being done and my not being interested in making  any efforts to the contrary.

we ate lunch at the diner and returned home.  my printer needed ink so when i walked out of the bathroom and saw j standing by my makeshift room, i thought he had probably just gone in to check what type of ink it took.  But he was looking at me funny.  He came over and cornered me by my chair.  He said that i'd told him yesterday that i had said i would allow him sex if he wanted it and that he wanted it now.

Sex with j in the past couple of years has been rare, mundane, and not remotely satisfying.  i thought this would be the same.  Wow, was i wrong!  First j tapped the computer table behind which he still had me cornered and told me to put my glasses there.  i knew that meant it would be rough but even j's version of rough has never been much in my eyes.  

i purposely put my glasses in a spot other than the one in which he had tapped, just to see what he would do.  he accepted that and i could immediately hear Master in my mind handling it differently.  j's voice was totally calm.  It was confident and had an icy edge.  It wasn't the j i knew or expected and i wasn't sure what to think.

Next he simply said "strip".  He has never ordered me to strip before, never even used that word with me.  i did, removing my t-shirt, shorts, and panties.  He ordered me to turn around and i did, with a helpful shove and yank of my hair from him.  i thought he'd smack my ass but i heard him removing his belt.

i held my breath and held still, knowing what was coming.  He whipped my hips and ass and thighs HARD.  i have no idea how many times but the spots where the belt landed repeatedly hurt.  He grabbed my ponytail and dragged me to the bed which was easier said than done since getting to the bed as he ordered required me to turn around and he had me by the hair.

He threw me on the bed and continued with the belt, even on my back.  i guess his being right handed made my right hip an easy target and more lashes landed there than anywhere.  It really HURT, so much so that i even risked  scooted up on the bed a bit, hoping that the belt would at least land in a different spot.  

He said that he knew nothing was going to change between us and that this wasn't going to make him think otherwise.  He said that he didn't care if i enjoyed the sex because he would.  i had offered it and he was taking it.  It was as simple as that.

So he did take it, violently.  He never put the belt down for more than a moment if he had me on my stomach and never let me forget its feel.  He rolled me to my back and my head was jammed against the door that is the wall of our makeshift bedroom, my neck at an awkward angle.  i was scared to protest.

He grabbed my breasts very harshly, something he knows i hate, and bit one.  i have marks all over both of them still.  He told me to say i was beautiful, something i would have protested doing in the past, but i readily complied.  He told me to repeat the words and slapped me when i did.  Again, he made me repeat "i'm beautiful" and slapped me.  Some of it's a blur but i know he slapped me a lot of times on both cheeks with his palm and backhand.  For a split second, i flashed black in my head.

He put my legs as he wanted them, jammed his cock inside me, and fucked me hard.  If i made any sound, he slapped me hard but it was almost impossible to be silent unless i held my breath entirely.  i was hurting and scared and being ridden and just trying to give him what he wanted.  He came in side me, grabbing my breasts viciously as he did, then shoved me aside and said again that he knew nothing had changed just because of that.

i just rolled onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow, crying hysterically.  He had never acted like that before in so decisive and confident and serious a way and with as much pain and damage to me.  i knew before i even looked that i would be welted and bruised.  i was just hoping that my face wouldn't show any marks but it doesn't.

He reached over and tried to scratch my back but i pulled away in the tiny bit of room i had to do so.  i couldn't stop crying.  i kept telling him that i was sorry... sorry for not being a good enough wife and mother, sorry that doing when i need means hurting him too, sorry about not knowing in time to keep us from being obligated to the house.  i asked him if he felt better.  

i had hoped he might be less angry and i might feel less guilty.  He said he hadn't been angry, that he thought i'd like it too.  He started to realize how freaked out i actually was and saw that my tears wouldn't stop, he started to apologize.  He kept apologizing until i told him to stop.

i lay there, frozen in place as my tears finally subsided, but didn't move until he left the house to go get the boys from bowling.  i was sore could feel his cum inside me.  i just wanted to disappear.  we had to meet the contractor at Home Depot as soon as he got back with the boys so i didn't even have time to clean up fully.  i did what i could and dressed.  i signed online quickly and IMed Master on Yahoo.  He wasn't at His computer but i told Him i loved Him.  i needed to.

Going to Home Depot was like being in shock.  i could barely speak or focus for a while, until i started to feel less numb and more like myself again.  we managed to get through the shopping trip, a stop at Staples for ink, and home.  But j was not himself on the outing.  He insisted on holding my hand, something he hasn't done in years.  He tried to pull my shirt up in the parking lot.  That is NOT him.  It's as if he figures he has nothing to lose anymore.

j took a nap when we got home and i signed on to have Master scream in accidental caps "WELCOME BACK PRECIOUS".  It felt so nice!  Not that Master needs my permission because He can obviously say or shout whatever He pleases to me, but i told Him He can scream things like that at me as much as He likes.

i told Master about growing close with rau which led to my mentioning crying to rau in the morning and then sex with j in the afternoon.  Master was not happy.  He growled, and definitely not in a cute way.  He says it's abuse.  But i agreed to it, went along with it, even offered it.  How can you abuse a consenting adult?

Now Master says i am not to let j slap or hit me including with the belt.  It's hard to envision myself enforcing that.  i can't disobey Master but disobeying j when he is like that and standing right in front of me, cornering me... i don't know how that will play out.  

As odd as it is though, i'm really not scared of j.  i think i could get him to stop if i had to.  i know what to say and how to get to him.  i'm far more afraid of Master.  i even pointed out to rau that getting whipped by Master will be worse than this was.  And, after this, i am NOT looking forward to the initiatory whipping.  

My fear of Master is far more than of His physical punishment though.  Master knows who i am and who i should be and strives to make them one and the same.  It's challenging when He pushes me and scary too.  i don't ever want to disappoint or fail Him.

i guess i hate that i am disappointing and failing j by leaving.  i expect his anger and feel that he is entitled to it.  It seems the natural complement to my guilt.  i guess i need to find a way to resolve that without tolerating what Master considers abuse.  i wish i could just make clean break once and for all.

The beginning of the end...

Doing what is right does not necessarily feel good.  i spoke with j tonight about my leaving.  i didn't mention anything about what i am going to do but, for the first time, was absolutely clear that i fully intend to leave and that things are over between us.  i guess a small part of me feels good to finally have the truth on the table but, overwhelmingly, i feel like shit.

Watching the realization dawn on j's face, seeing the hurt in his eyes, hearing the anguish in his voice, and seeing him snap into the mode of protector and advocate for his sons... it was all but unbearable.  i think i expressed myself as well as i could have.  i was calm and quiet and made my points clearly.  i was as complimentary and appreciative of j as possible but i didn't backslide on any of my convictions to ease the tension between us.

He said that what i'm doing is cruel and i conceded that point.  i agree.  i have from the start.  i have old notecards of conversations with Master that demonstrate this.  But then he called me sadistic and i told him i am not.  i said that sadism implies malice and i have absolutely none.  

i recognize his gamut of emotions, not the least of which is very legitimate anger, but i'm not going to be portrayed as acting with the intent to screw over anyone.  That is the last thing i want and the reason i have stayed so long and have been taking so long to tell him about the fact that i am going to leave.  i threw out the idea of leaving at the end of the school year but that seems impossibly soon for logistical reasons.

we are not even sure what our legal obligation to remain in possession of the house is in terms of a timeframe.  our particular type of loan may mandate a certain period of residence.  i told him that i would try to be flexible but i left no room for misunderstanding.  It's over.  i'm leaving.  

i suggested he take the big check i get in June and use that to pay the mortgage for the next couple of months when i go but he said that will hardly do anything.  i suggested we sell when we can but he wants to hang on to the house for the boys' sake.  i suggested he take on a tenant that he knows and let the rent cover a chunk of the mortgage.  i finally realized that he needed to think it through on his own, to wrap his head around the newness of it all and process it further in his mind.

i told him it's not about him, that it's not a matter of his doing anything wrong or failing to do something right.  i told him that i love him and that he deserves someone who will regard him and treat him as i can't or don't.  i told him i harbor absolutely no animosity toward him.

But i held my ground too.  He said that the new house was supposed to be a fresh start for us and i said that that was HIS dream, never ours.  His wishful thinking had just projected it onto me over and over again despite my giving him evidence to the contrary.

He was mad that i had left him financially committed to the house and i reminded him of all the times i had told him i didn't want the house, including one very serious talk prior to the closing.  i took responsibility for not knowing what i wanted until it was very late in the process and also in my cowardice in not communicating with him in a way that left no room for doubt.  i explained to him what my thinking had been to close on the house and leave us with equity rather than fail to close when we were already financially obligated and leave us in debt with nothing to show for it.

When we got home he sat in the car for a bit without coming in.  When he did come inside, he looked as if he'd been beaten down and likely shed some tears.  i want so badly to ease his pain, to hold him, to reassure him that i will stay.  i hate to be the one who is hurting him, even if only by the results of my finally advocating for myself.  i wish he wanted me gone, that he was in love with someone else, that he was relieved by my news.  But he was devastated. 

He asked me to stay until he can get his doctorate and promised to do that as quickly as possible.  He is hoping that, in doing so, he will have the earning capacity to maintain the house on his own.  He said it would probably take two years when i pushed him for a specific timeframe.  i told him only that i would try.

If i remain that long, we will need to work out certain conditions.  i would never disrespect him by flaunting my new life and would not allow the boys to feel as if i was taking advantage of him either.  But i will insist on certain freedoms that i don't have now.  i'm not going to sneak around to use voice or to visit Master.  

i'm a homebody.  It's not as if i'll be out partying every night.  But i'm also not going to start lying to cover for myself.  And he can and should seek out female company if he wants to, also in subtle ways for the benefit of the boys.  i guess it would be like being separated while living together.  

i told him he can have custody of the boys, that i don't want it.  Honestly, e will be 15 in July and s will be 16 in June.  By the time i am actually fully out, custody will be all but a moot issue because the boys will be close to eighteen.  It is hard to hear myself say that i don't want my kids.  It is hard to see it written here in black and white.  But it is the truth.  i am totally unable to deal with them in any functional way and maintain any sanity.

All through dinner i thought of Master.  At first j and i sat in awkward silence and i was thinking of how Master had said i could write out DJ's apology but had to deliver it in person.  i had decided that i would write out the things i wanted to say to j.  There had been so many times that i thought them in my head and willed myself to say them aloud to him, at the beginning of this meal included, but just couldn't force out the words.  With a letter in my hand, i thought i could probably make myself read it to him.

But them we started discussing the stupid tile and things that need to be chosen for the house.  This was before we got into how our futures would be apart.  i was willing to select the materials but, in response to j's comments about being excited, said that i didn't care about the house.  He offered to go alone for the time and i unthinkingly blurted out "i want to have a say 

in it if i'm going to be living there for a time and also because it will affect the resale value".

i could all but watch the words sink into j's mind and the underlying meaning dawn on him.  Part of me wished i had kept my mouth shut and not tipped him off, sparing him the pain.  But there was a part of me that hoped he would get it this time so i could stop worrying about how to broach the subject with him and what would happen when i finally did.

i guess i should feel glad that that particular worry is behind me but this is going to really suck in so many ways for a very long time and i am NOT looking forward to that!  He asked in the car on the way home if he could just ask me one question.  i said yes, sure he was going to ask if i was leaving him for someone else.  

Instead he asked about a recent large ATM withdrawal i had made.  It was kind of strange, almost comically so.  i answered him honestly but asked if he was thinking i was supporting a drug habit or something.  He said that he hadn't thought it went to drugs but had wondered about it and hadn't wanted to ask for fear of angering me.  

This kind of put things back into perspective for me to some extent.  Master has said that i should treat j with respect and remember he is a Free.  i tried to do that in talking to him tonight and have been trying to do it as much as possible lately, with a fair amount of success.  

However, i'm damn sure that Master is never going to avoid asking me about expenditures, if i have any dealings with them, for fear of angering me.  i need Master whom i cannot intimidate or manipulate.  As hard as tonight is and as the coming months and maybe even years will be, i know i'm moving in the right direction.

kajira versus slave

i really feel like giving up right now.  i don't feel it in a desperate sort of way as i have so many times before.  It's not a response to any big emotional crisis or a reaction to an especially intense punishment.  i actually feel very calm which leads me to conclude that my current take on things is valid.

For a long time i was thinking of the terms "kajira" and "slave" synonymously because they were, in effect, interchangeable in light of the role i had been trying to fill.  i think that was a mistake now.  i was looking back through some of my old blog posts and saw this illustrated in last month's "Responding to Master's observations..." entry.  That i am slave is clear enough.

But slave can mean many things and kajira is merely one very specific depiction of slave.  Never in my life have i fit neatly into any package.  It has never been accurate to use a single word to describe a group en masse and include me in it without a string of caveats to explain the exception i represented.  The other day Master used the phrase "ragtag group of misfits" and that seemed fitting in its encompassing those who otherwise defied categorization.

Likewise, the term "slave" is something of an umbrella category.  It describes me.  The rigidly defined subdivision of kajira does not and i have concluded that it never will.  Serving Master is a gift.  i love Him.  Living to please and obey Him is the most exciting and palatable of possibilities of which i can possibly conceive.

In contrast, living in deference to ALL Free is incredibly distasteful a concept. Most Free are assholes.  i hate them.  They are not worthy of even the generic respect of a slave.  To show such regard to specific Free, as per Master's orders, makes sense to me.  He has dealings with them in whatever capacity and wants them treated well by His property.  i understand that and, despite my overwhelming difficulties in this area, could probably learn to do this.

But to show uniform and absolute subservience to all Free without exception ever is another story.  It makes no sense to me.  i realize i don't have to like or understand it, only to do it, but at some level i need to feel as if it is a reasonable thing to do.  And i don't.  Not even close.

i keep running into this brick wall because i really don't comprehend the concept in any real way.  Yesterday DJ kissed kalli.  kalli is restricted white silk yet her response was accepting and flirtatious.  she even giggled.  i went off on DJ for doing as he had, thinking he knew gor since his close friend is of gor.  It turned out he didn't know gor so i apologized and set things right with him.

So... who is in trouble here?  kalli for not only accepting the physical affection of another Master but doing so eagerly?  Nope!  Who the fuck cares what her profile said?  she damn well knew her own restrictions and, even if she was obliged to tolerate the kiss, she had no need to encourage it with her response.  Is DJ in trouble for having handled Master's property such?  No, he didn't know any better.

That leaves me.  i was supposed to watch a Free touch my slut of a sister and keep my mouth shut because, after all, i'm kajira and shouldn't be thinking critically.  So i'm in trouble, as usual, for forgetting my place... my place, apparently, not being that of one who intervenes when Master's property is mistreated and welcomes it.  i was careful not to accuse kalli of any wrongdoing because i didn't want it to either reflect badly on Master by association or get her punished.

Instead i'm punished for rudely telling a Free that she is off limits.  That makes absolutely no sense to me.  It's just the way it is in gor.  i know that.  i can't apply any sort of reasoning to it and have it become any more logical.  That is simply the role of kajira.  Period.

Well fuck that!  How can i internalize rules that defy all reason?  How can i live out an existence of blanket acceptance of the screwed up actions of others, regarding them as somehow right because that's what a kajira does?  i can't.  Maybe if i had found gor when i was much younger, this would be easier.  Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks even if you are Master.  But i'm NEVER going to get this part.  i'm never going to be kajira!

i want to be clear here.  i am in no way upset about Master's punishing me.  Honestly, i think He went easy on me.  i had been thinking the whip was a sure thing.  And i know, even if i don't agree with it, that i did wrong as kajira.  Master was right to punish me and, though it was the last thing i intended, my actions reflected badly upon Him.  This isn't about the punishment.

i just don't view things as kajira and i don't think i will or can.  It is too foreign to my mindset and too vast a concept to internalize.  Actually, it is incongruous to my thinking, essentially the polar opposite.  It is beyond me.

Master needs a kajira, not just a slave.  i have no doubt that i could serve Him as slave and learn to fill the role in a way that ultimately became worthy of Him as i grew in my servitude.  But that will never be adequate.  He wants and deserves a kajira, not merely a slave who will fail Him time and time again, bringing Him stress, making Him look bad, and requiring His punishment.  i am not kajira.

i'm not sure where that leaves me.  i'm incapable of being kajira and that means i cannot serve Master.  Leaving His collar would at least end the vicious cycle of my fucking up in the same way over and over again, like a stuck needle on a record player.  He deserves better than a basket case who's never going to get it anyway.  

That would leave me as slave with no Master and there is no other Master i would ever wish to serve.  In my eyes He is the ONLY Master.  He thinks i am brown-nosing when i express that sentiment but it is absolutely heartfelt.  i cannot imagine ever regarding another as i do Master and i don't want to.  

Staying with j isn't even a consideration any longer.  So that leaves me alone.  This is a viable option if not an appealing one.  i SHOULD beg release but i don't want to leave Master.  That i selfish, i realize, but how do i ask to walk away from the Master i love and who wants me?  i'm not kajira and can't be what He wants yet i can't bring myself to beg to go.  i guess that only affirms that i am truly not kajira.  A kajira would offer her throat to her Master's blade if He wished it.  i won't even cast myself aside to rid my Master of a parasitic wannabe kajira.

Pleasing Master

i just asked v if i could blog rather than going to SL.  i was about to blog about kalli.  Before i got more than a title and opening sentence written, kalli asked me to read her blog.  It was about me.  i told kalli that i was going to write it anyway because i know i'll express myself more cogently if i'm not anticipating anyone's immediate reaction or limited to the space in a buffer.  Writing also clarifies my own thoughts for me.  i promised i'd be willing to discuss it with her afterwards.

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This morning Master told me to apologize to kalli.  my very first thought was to say "yes, my Master" and i was pleased with that.  i very seldom even stop to consider a serious order any longer.  i am but to obey.  i know that most of the time lately.  It is reassuring.  He commands.  i obey.  Period.  

Despite the fact that i had every intention of obeying, it wasn't long before i started to feel annoyed and having to issue an apology i didn't feel i owed.  i immediately started tossing around phrasing in my mind which would pass muster as an acceptable apology to Master but still convey the reality that it was forced and not genuine to kalli.  

Yeah, i am but to obey... in my own damn way with my own bitchy twist when i feel like it.  This needs work.  Instead of arguing with Master, i try to manipulate conditions in more subtle ways to better fit my liking.  Normally this is where it ends.  i do this and either i get away with it or i don't.

Today was different.  Today i said to myself that i would just go ahead and issue the apology because it would please Master.  It was like a lightbulb went on.  i don't have to like it or agree with it in order to do it without an attitude.  All i have to do is remind myself why i am doing it.  i want Master to be pleased and my obedience will please Him.  This isn't new information but this morning it clicked in a new way.  It wasn't enough before to get me to set aside my own irrelevant thoughts but, in this moment of clarity, it became enough.

Unfortunately, my serenity of surrender to pleasing Master turned out to be short-lived.  It should be enough motivation.  i know that.  i want it to be.  And when i reread old blog entries, i am always disgusted with how much they are about what i want and how little they are about serving Master.  i keep telling myself "Do not ask what your Master can do for you but what you can do for your Master".  i'm trying to make it my new mantra.  

i don't want to be so self-centered when it comes to Him.  i don't want to be needy.  As upset as i was last night, as much as i cried, i was angry with myself for adding stress on Him and taking Him away from either other things that needed to be dealt with or from leisure time.  i want to be an asset to Him not a liability.  i want to give more than i take and i haven't been lately.  i don't quite know how to do that with the club yet.

In any case, i started thinking about kalli during the day and getting mad at her.  i was annoyed that she had gone to Master before talking to me directly.  she had every right to though, i know, and i was a wreck last night and signed off SL early so she didn't even have a good opportunity.  i wouldn't have answered her on Yahoo even if she had tried.  i was too freaked out in my panic attack.

Then i was mad that she had seemingly lied to Him.  Master was under the impression that i had told her to return from the mall which i never did.  i never told her to do ANYTHING, or rau either for that matter.  i never gave anyone any orders.  While i was inclined to feel as if her giving Him that mis-impression was malicious, i had to admit that there was a lot of confusion during the time of that conversation and also that i was out of it enough to have possibly missed or misheard things that were said.  Today kalli said that she hadn't been able to convey her message clearly to Master last night and has since clarified it with Him.

Beyond that, i was mad about kalli's seeming betrayal because i had defended her to someone in IM just yesterday.  i had explained in ambiguous enough terms so as not to share any private information that she has been through a great deal both financially and personally of late and really is a good person who has been there for me in the past.  i had explained to this someone that i felt bad because she and i had been fairly close before she lost internet access and that i felt like she came back expecting nothing to have changed but that things HAD changed.  Things moved forward as they inevitably do and dynamics and relationships and people themselves evolved.  Not only did i change, but she has too.  Nevertheless, i had chided myself to this someone for not being more patient with her and not making more of an effort.  And, though it had become my tendency to remain off SL if she was the only other one on the sims, i had purposely spent some time there with her yesterday making what i thought was an effort to be nicer.  In light of all that, her going to Master with untruths about me was all the more upsetting.

i spent a good deal of time today considering the apology.  i didn't want to deal with her directly because i didn't trust myself not to get into a conflict with her.  i was afraid that if i was in text and she was on voice that she would manipulate the conversation to appear as if i had been out of line in some way.  i decided that if i owed her an apology then i must owe one to rau too since the one statement i had made had been addressed to both of them.  

i wrote an apology that explained things honestly and gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Master believed that i hadn't acted wrongly but still said i needed to apologize for making her feel bad.  i included that along with some things that i truly did feel i should say.  i offer praise which was legitimately due her and rau too.  i apologized for the state of mind i was in yesterday, for which i feel genuinely disappointed in myself for being unable to keep in perspective and function in spite of.

i'm not sure exactly what to say as a more direct response to kalli's blog.  i'm not likely to ever be that person who gives off warm fuzzies.  It's not me.  i guess we need to meet somewhere in the middle.  There's got to be a middle ground between the person who has been telling Master for the past couple of days what a great job kalli is doing as well as defending her privately and the bitch she is usually confronted with on SL.  

The flip side of that is that she needs to make an effort too.  she has absolutely no idea as to most of what i'm dealing with and i feel no need to make her aware.  But she needs to realize that she doesn't have the monopoly on tribulations.  Also, a lot of what she takes as personal attack is probably just my personality and largely the way i treat everyone.  While i need to work on taking the edge off of it in her case, she needs to make an effort to be less sensitive.  My sarcasm is rarely personal.

i don't harbor any grudges or bad feelings toward kalli and hope that things can move forward certainly peacefully and ideally in friendship.

Confusion

It is one of those days when my mind is racing with a million half-formed thoughts and i'm constantly on the verge of tears.  Every thought i have gives way to more confusion.

-Why is Master THIS mad at me?

-Should i have a better idea of why but i'm just in denial?

-Will He still be mad tonight?

-How long will He stay mad?

-Can i handle it this time?

-How do i avoid it next time if i don't even fully understand it?

-What if He doesn't believe i don't understand?

-Will He punish me and how?

-Why didn't He believe i expected Him to punish me last night?

i checked my phone every ten seconds today hoping for a text that never came, except ones from my former friend-turned-judge.  It has been excruciating.  There was a faculty meeting at work so i had to stay an extra hour totally unable to focus on a typically useless meeting.  i cancelled plans after work to go straight home, in the futile expectation that there might be an online message from Master.  There was nothing.

It's not that Master hasn't been furious with me before.  He has.  But i've usually had a much clearer idea of why and He hasn't left things on SUCH a bad note and then had no communication for twenty-four hours.  As much as i fear and loathe the whip, i'd rather He had whipped me mercilessly a million times over and then told me He loved me.  i keep seeing the words from His yahoo message in front of my eyes.  i saw them all day, everywhere i looked.

kennel

I am going to bed

And that was it.  Nothing else.  No "goodnight".  No "mine".  No "sleep well".  No "I love you".  Not even "I love you but I'm disappointed in you."   All there was to taper the signs of His anger was the fact that all His screaming had finally reduced itself lowercase letters.   

So i spent today cranky and upset and teary and having only some idea why Master is mad and not knowing how mad He will be when i see Him next.  i don't even know if i have a word to give how i am feeling.  i guess empty describes it best.  And i feel lost.  i feel as if my foundation was kicked out from under me.  

i was starting to get angry which was probably more of a defense mechanism than anything else.  When i finally got home from work i reread the slave creed.  i knew i needed to.  What i came away with is that Master usually treats me so well that when He doesn't, whether intentionally or inadvertently, i feel a loss.  i'm not entitled to hear that i am loved but i do, nearly every day.  i hope today turns out to be one of those days.