Why i was angry...

Master told me to write in this about why i was angry the other night but i didn't.  i tried a few times and just couldn't get anything into words that made any sense.  So i deleted what i wrote and never made the blog entry.  What was worse is that i never even gave it another thought.  i disobeyed Master without even feeling guilty or worried about His response.  i guess i just took it upon myself to decide that my efforts were good enough but that wasn't my decision to make.  

The fact that i was so totally surprised by Master's confronting me about it made it all the more upsetting.  i was actually in tears which usually only happens when He is angry.  He wasn't really angry as much as just correcting my error and teaching me.  But i still got mad and filtered through the usual range of emotions i experience when that happens.  

my first is to be mad at Master.  i guess that His being the one to call me to task is enough to direct my anger toward Him.  This has changed over time though.  i used to be very mad at Him and even become adversarial.  i would argue and blame Him and it took a while for me to calm down.  Even after i was calm, respectful, and compliant again i would sometimes still think He was wrong.  

The idea that He is right simply by virtue of being my Master was so foreign to me.  i knew the concept intellectually but definitely hadn't even begun to internalize it.  Being socialized that things should be fair always played against my ideas of slavery long after such an incident.  That i have only those considerations which Master chooses to give me is a hard concept to fully submit to.

Still, i can see movement on my part in the right direction.  my anger at Master is a fleeting thought and one i have grown accustomed to readily dismissing without bothering to think it through.  i know it's unjustified and i don't allow it of myself.  It doesn't linger or keep resurfacing in my mind.  

The next victim of my upset is inevitably myself though how that plays out has also changed over time.  i used to get so down on myself that i thought every mistake i made, once i actually let myself take responsibility for them, meant i should not be kajira.  i would get so black and white about it as i tend to do with everything.  i felt as if a mistake meant i was a failure and should just give up and leave.  i would conclude that i was more of a burden than an asset and couldn't stand the idea of being such.

Again, i can see forward movement in my responses today.  i still get very mad at myself and run through all those things in my mind... failure, burden, run run run!  But, as with my anger toward Master, the most extreme thoughts are fleeting today.  i dismiss them without giving them credence and without voicing them.  It's not that i am denying my feelings or repressing them.  i just know that they are not worthy of sharing.  i understand them now as i didn't before and sharing them today would just be acting the martyr in a play for attention.  i don't allow that of myself.

The other difference today is that i can wait out the discomfort a bit better.  i don't get as frenzied as easily and don't need to do something ---anything--- to make it stop.  i don't feel as strong a need to either lash out or strike inward.  i feel more secure in knowing i will be okay eventually.  

i guess this blog entry turned out not to be about why i was angry the other day but i think it was worth the writing.  i hope Master agrees.  He is not on to ask so i will allow myself a MUCH needed nap and then do the blog entry that Master originally ordered.