This Blog: A Glimpse at the Low Points

i've been increasingly aware lately of how people, specifically those with whom i don't speak candidly irl but who read this blog, think i am miserable. It is not my inclination to care what people think but it is my desire to maintain candor at all times. If this blog conveys a falsehood then i want to correct it. i do not like misperception of any kind.

i have countless incomplete stored blog entries of how happy i am, none ever posted. Why not? Because i don't have motivation to write when i am content. Since i was as young as eight i vividly recall using writing to cleanse myself of the overwhelming negativity of feelings with which i could not cope. It was a safe means of expression, effective and without fear of recrimination unless i chose to share it. i have no desire to write when things are good because i don't need to expunge those feelings from myself. Quite the contrary. Often i hold good news to myself to savor it before i even let others in on it if they are to know at all.

So for those who suspect this blog is an overview of my pervasive mindset, you stand corrected. my general mood and attitude and LIFE are filled with more serenity than ever before. i am not hiding from my true self and, other than my Master, i am answerable to no one. He gets a bad rap in this blog because i never write to say how wonderful He is. i write to condemn Him. Some of those assertions linger in my mind even after the blog entry is complete but most fade with the expression and are replaced with reasoned thinking. Yet i never print a retraction. i never follow up to say that it was my mood swing which colored my point of view and that my perceptions do not hold up when the chemicals in my brain realign themselves. That i can formulate a cogent assertion does not make it reality based.

Here is the current text under Master's picture in my SL profile. Perhaps its sharing will correct some of the negativity i inevitably express toward Him here by presenting the other, and more frequently felt, side of things.

"With the privilege of His collar has come the massive undertaking of learning to be my true self, the beast i've spent my life denying. No other man could or ever will own me. i belonged to Him long before i met Him either on SL or IRL. He is my reason when there is no other, my reality check when i'm off the deep end, my focal point when i'm scattered, my friend when He can be, and my warden when He must be. He is the only one who can get me out of my own way. Letting Him hold the whip has been hard. Letting Him hold my hand on a softer path is infinitely harder, yet always His goal. For fleeting moments, He actually has me considering that the world might... MIGHT... be the pleasant place He takes it to be. i challenge Him and i frustrate Him but ultimately i obey Him, grateful for His willingness to embrace the formidable task of dealing with me. Who i was, who i am, who i will be... they are all His. You can see His collar on my neck but it is anchored to my heart and soul. i love Him."

This is a never published blog entry from 6/3, unpublished because i never completed it and incomplete because i had no need to vent:

"Okay, i found myself stressed to the brink the other day over what Master MIGHT do when i got home. i got myself so worked up over it that i was reciting a whole list in my head of things that made me feel justified in resenting Him and i was actually envisioning myself removing my collar and throwing it down in front of Him. Um... over what He MIGHT do?

Miraculously, it occurred to me that i was imagining myself going apeshit over something that didn't have to happen. i texted Him a message, respectfully stating what i didn't think i could handle. And that was it. Crisis averted. Instead of going through the day with increasing anxiety anticipating a problem which may not ever have happened and about which Master knew nothing, i just told Him. Proactive communication. Imagine that!

Realizing i could impact the situation, rather than just feeling victimized and waiting to explode, was pretty amazing to me!

i've also been increasingly aware of the no-win situations i create."

That was something that bothered me enough initially to get it down in black and white but then there was no need to go on. Had everything just been fine to begin with, as it is more often than not, it never even would have made it to the unpublished archives but remained with me as unblogged happiness. my contentment is not as elusive as you may think, blog readers. Thank you for your concern but it is neither needed nor, since it is based upon misperception, wanted.

Life is far from easy these days but it is the adventure i have long sought and i feel more freedom in this collar than i ever could have as a "free" drone trying to live out the life everyone thought i should in New York. i can face myself in the mirror unashamedly. i smile and i laugh frequently, usually at Master's deliberate provocation. i have a sense of hope which i had lacked for years.

AND... i finally managed an upbeat blog entry!