A Couple More Thoughts

Two things that have been a bit hard to adjust to, not in bad ways, but in terms of needing to remind myself that this is how things are:

One is having plans change or be up in the air. i don't know what we will be doing until Master says so and then it often changes anyhow. That is a little unsettling for me, i guess, a direct illustration of my lack of control. i am so used to deciding what will happen, when, and how. If i am forced into a situation in which someone else has control, it has made me crazy in the past and i have had to know every detail in advance. God help the world if anything changed either. Going with the flow, someone else's flow, is unnerving for me. It's not the challenge here that it would have been in my old life but it's still uncomfortable.

Number two is the one thing that i've actually found at all grating. One might expect it to be wearing a collar... being chained to sleep... being called beast.... any number of things. Nope. i am actually used to an extreme amount of privacy and i have always found personal inquiries intrusive and refused to respond. So when Master asks who i'm getting a text from or what i'm doing online, my gut reaction is to think things such as "what's it to you?" and "bite me". i've managed to answer appropriately and without obvious strain but it has taken effort. It's getting easier though.

Just figured i may as well lay it all on the line here, both to explore my thoughts and to have something to look back upon from a later date and see how things have changed...

Random

Just some more random kajira thoughts here...

One thing i'm finding most amazing is... my voice. It's almost as if somebody else's voice is coming out of my mouth. i actually SOUND submissive and foreign to my own ears. It was very odd to me at first but a little less so now. And it's not as if i'm TRYING to sound this way. On went the collar; out came the voice. Voila! Despite the meeker voice, i am still reminding myself a lot that i can't curse, a very pervasive former bad habit.

Let's see. What else? i am INSANELY over-thinking what might bug Master and afraid to make the tiniest decisions on my own. i know that's probably way more annoying than the outcome of my having made the decisions. i should clarify here. There was a bottle of shampoo. It was empty. i used that shampoo until it was BEYOND empty. Then i added water and used the last vestiges of what had been in the bottle. i STILL had to force myself to throw out the bottle without making sure it was okay with Him. Um? WHAT??? i'm scared to throw anything out, scared of making mistakes of all sorts, and scared Master will get irritated or punish me. The thing is, He isn't micro-managing at all and doesn't seem to care about nit-picky things.

The dogs have settled in incredibly well and have been able to spend all day downstairs with us which is awesome. i'm really impressed with how well they've acclimated to the move. Archie actually took a nap on Master's bed this afternoon while i slept chained on the floor. Gotta love slavehood!

One irony that strikes me is that it has taken becoming a slave and living a life that most people think is bizarre in order for me to function in the way that those same people think is normal. i could never be a housewife, for lack of a better analogy, without being a slave. i have no self-discipline and no desire to serve or please anyone who isn't Master. Now, as slave, i'm keeping the place clean and serving Master and actually doing the things i should have been doing for years but couldn't. And i'm doing so without it feeling forced or resentful.

Regarding yesterday's crying spell, i realized that the groundwork had been laid earlier in the day. Master said He was proud of how i am doing. Then He bopped me on the nose with one fingertip and said to keep it up. It was really nice to hear He was proud and the nose bop was adorable (like Him, but i'm sworn to secrecy on that). Now anyone normal would have enjoyed the praise and gone on with their day. i have never claimed normalcy. i spent that day convincing myself that "keep it up" translated to "i don't think you can do this for very long and, frankly, i'm shocked you've been able to manage it at all". He'd said He was amazed at how i was doing so that was where my mind went with it. That just might be a thought process i need to work on!

Hmmm. What else? i guess the physical aspects are still highly awkward for me. i don't know if or when it's okay to touch Him so i don't. Once in a while i ask. Today, i just HAD to kiss His elbow. It was just sitting there all dimply and cute. Last night, after the flip-out, i needed to kiss Him goodnight. i asked about those. But sometimes i just want to rub His shoulders or smooth His hair or things like that, not necessarily sexual things either. Well... those too. i don't know what He finds desirable versus what He finds intrusive. i wish i did.

i'm also finding that i'm actually appreciative of the little things rather than never satisfied with an overabundance of things. At the store last night, He let me get a jigsaw puzzle which i really wanted. i was so happy with that! In my old life, i loved jigsaw puzzles but i would have bought six of them, done none of them, and wound up with them sitting around for years untouched until the boxes got damaged and the puzzles trashed with pieces missing. Now everything means something. It has value. i love that!

my stomach is trying to figure out what is going on here. Tuesday all i ate was honey roasted cashews on the way here and then McDonald's, my last Free dinner. Wednesday i ate about ten Nilla Wafers and nothing else. The serving size was eight and there were ten left in the box adjusting for breakage. Thursday i ate absolutely nothing at all because, before work, Master gave me the impression that He thought i'd had too many Nilla Wafers the day before. His saying He loves me a million times and wants me to be healthy following His realizing i'm diabetic? In one ear and out the other. His saying to take a small amount? Immediately translated to: I HATE YOU. NEVER EAT AGAIN. Friday i'd planned to continue on my hunger strike and hadn't mentioned it to Master anyhow but He came home from work with a salad for me which was awesome. Real actual fresh lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, and He even managed to choose a dressing i like. Again, appreciation versus overindulged dissatisfaction. Saturday we went out to dinner and i ate an actual meal. my stomach, to be blunt, said "what the fudge". (Now we all know that is not QUITE what it said but i'm not allowed to curse here without first explaining to Master the justification for my need to curse and i don't fudging feel like doing so at the moment.) It was totally upset all night. Tonight we had KFC and my stomach wasn't thrilled but more or less acquiesced with little more than minor upset and cramps. Grocery shopping will be a GOOD thing!

i'm not sure what else to say. For five days in, i couldn't possibly ask for anything more. Things are progressing and, though not always Nirvana, they are usually remarkably close. my 'tudes and my moods have made it clear that they are alive and well but nothing horrendous so far. i do NOT want to be punished. It is fun in the fantasies over which i have control in my mind but, in reality, it will NOT be fun. Mostly i'm behaving because i want to. i want to please Master. i will be majorly upset with myself if i disappoint or displease Him. But, when the 'tude or mood kick in, i do remind myself of all the many ways He can easily make things HIGHLY unpleasant for me. i had to remind myself last night in order to force myself out of my spot and back into a decent mood.

So, in summary, um... i've had enough of this blog so reread that if you need a synopsis and formulate your own.

i am Home

Okay, fast forward to March 10th. i am HERE in VA with Master! i didn't realize i'd be coming here until the day before, packed in record time including Archie and Norman, and drove further than i'd ever driven before.

So... what can i say? Master is everything i could have expected or hoped. He is exactly the same online, on the phone, and in person in terms of the expressions He uses and all of His ways of viewing and responding to things. If He felt at all awkward or uncomfortable initially, it certainly didn't show. He was Master all along. Period. There have been no big surprises when it comes to Him, no unpleasant ones to be sure. He is amazingly good looking, so much better than His photos or even on webcam, and it is enhanced by His boyish charisma. Even trying to balance this out, i can't think of a thing to fault Him for. He has been patient and nice and, at the same time, 100% Master. That is because it truly isn't a case of role play. He IS Master.

As for me... For the most part, i have been astounded with how i've adapted. This all feels so normal and natural and right. If i wasn't still combatting some drama from my previous life, i doubt that having been free would even come to my mind. i have been more serene than i've been in years and sleeping better. i actually slept for about five consecutive hours last night and didn't awaken until Archie woke me, fussing to go out. i do not know the last time i did that but it was MANY years ago! i'd bet money that my blood pressure is WAY down too... if a kajira had any money, that is.

i'm a little self-conscious in public but not nearly as much as i anticipated. i thought it would be excruciating, agonizing, humiliating. Instead it's just a bit awkward, not terribly aversive, and definitely nothing i can't cope with. i feel totally at ease with wearing a collar, being chained to sleep, being given orders, and the rest of the newness. Just about everything has been remarkably easy and comfortable. i HOPE the novelty never wears off because i'm truly happy as things are. i feel SAFE for once which is really all i've ever wanted.

Then again... you can take nou out of the stress but you can't take the stress out of nou. i flipped out a bit last night for absolutely no reason, much as i might have done back in my old life. i guess because i'm so insecure, i've been hyper-sensitive to anything Master has said that might be even close to a criticism. i was able to let brush them off until last night when i made a snotty comment. It was no big deal but Master was working and gave me a look and said my name. He didn't scowl. He didn't raise His voice. He didn't brandish a whip. i said, "i'm done" and He said "thank you".

He went back to work and i felt the tears coming on. i tried to fight them. i truly did. i lost the battle. Right before the floodgates burst, i asked Master if i could go to my spot. It is a small cool closet in a spare room and i love it there. He said He'd just been joking and to "settle". i asked again and He allowed me to go. i barely made it there before i burst into tears and cried for a while. In my head, i had my entire future wiped out. i had lost my ability to control my mouth and was going to ruin things with Master. He was going to want to keep the dogs when i left. i had nowhere to go. From the tiniest thing, i had our bleak and hopeless future together determined. Eventually Master told me to stop crying, though i already had. He allowed me to stay where i was at my request and, a bit later, i came out and forced myself out of the mood. The whole incident was nothing cataclysmic but it should have been nothing at all.

The only other thing i can think of is the physical toll on me. Loading the car alone, including a huge futon, left me exhausted and sore. Then i came here and started doing all sorts of menial things which i have never done before and the inevitable movement they entail. Couple the increased activity level with sitting or kneeling on hardwood floors, wearing an oversized collar (the permanent one was ordered), and having whiplash sex. i am COVERED with bruises and my entire body is ACHING. my hands are dry and cracking and need lotion desperately. my back, my feet, my thighs, my ass, my neck... all protest when i move them and sometimes when i don't. However, i do see that i'm gaining stamina already and that some things are becoming easier and more physically comfortable.

To end on a happy note, the biggest note, the only note that matters to me beyond the hope that rau and v join us here, i am in VA with Master where i belong and i wouldn't change that for ANYTHING!

Another Countdown

my brother lived for 14,571 days.

Then he died.

i have been alive, defining living in the biological sense, for 14,508 days.

In 63 days, if i continue living, i will be EXACTLY the age he was on the day he died.

That will be Thursday May 7th.

Why should i get more days than he did?

Why should get as many?

Why should i get any?

Why should i get to wake up and go about my day and survive it when he didn't?

Cheated

i didn't cheat death. Death cheated me. i was ready to die last night, had it all planned out in my mind, could envision every aspect of it, practically felt myself drifting into the oblivion and i was READY. That is a rarity for me and now the opportunity passed. i let myself get talked out of it and now i'm regretting that because i want to be dead but i'm just not in that place where i think i can do it. Maybe it will come. i doubt it. i've been where i am now a million times over and it usually goes no further. i wish i'd seized the moment. i'm nowhere right now. Not dead but not alive either and feeling utterly alone despite people trying to convince me i'm not. i'm useless to them and useless to myself. Useless. Unworthy. Done. If i can't kill myself just now, i will wait to die and hope it's a short wait or that another moment like yesterday presents itself. Again, i know people are trying. It's not any of you. It's me. It always was.

Truth or Dare

i dared...

i dared to hope,

i dared to dream,

i dared to want,

i dared to need,

and i dared to believe.

The truth is...

my aspirations were beyond me.

i blame no one but the dreamer

for grasping at what eluded her undeserving self.

Lost,

alone,

defeated,

and done,

my last request is only

that you remember

if your eyes are on this

that you are in my heart,

i was once in yours,

and there is no culpability

beyond mine.