Cheated

i didn't cheat death. Death cheated me. i was ready to die last night, had it all planned out in my mind, could envision every aspect of it, practically felt myself drifting into the oblivion and i was READY. That is a rarity for me and now the opportunity passed. i let myself get talked out of it and now i'm regretting that because i want to be dead but i'm just not in that place where i think i can do it. Maybe it will come. i doubt it. i've been where i am now a million times over and it usually goes no further. i wish i'd seized the moment. i'm nowhere right now. Not dead but not alive either and feeling utterly alone despite people trying to convince me i'm not. i'm useless to them and useless to myself. Useless. Unworthy. Done. If i can't kill myself just now, i will wait to die and hope it's a short wait or that another moment like yesterday presents itself. Again, i know people are trying. It's not any of you. It's me. It always was.