Okay, fast forward to March 10th. i am HERE in VA with Master! i didn't realize i'd be coming here until the day before, packed in record time including Archie and Norman, and drove further than i'd ever driven before.
So... what can i say? Master is everything i could have expected or hoped. He is exactly the same online, on the phone, and in person in terms of the expressions He uses and all of His ways of viewing and responding to things. If He felt at all awkward or uncomfortable initially, it certainly didn't show. He was Master all along. Period. There have been no big surprises when it comes to Him, no unpleasant ones to be sure. He is amazingly good looking, so much better than His photos or even on webcam, and it is enhanced by His boyish charisma. Even trying to balance this out, i can't think of a thing to fault Him for. He has been patient and nice and, at the same time, 100% Master. That is because it truly isn't a case of role play. He IS Master.
As for me... For the most part, i have been astounded with how i've adapted. This all feels so normal and natural and right. If i wasn't still combatting some drama from my previous life, i doubt that having been free would even come to my mind. i have been more serene than i've been in years and sleeping better. i actually slept for about five consecutive hours last night and didn't awaken until Archie woke me, fussing to go out. i do not know the last time i did that but it was MANY years ago! i'd bet money that my blood pressure is WAY down too... if a kajira had any money, that is.
i'm a little self-conscious in public but not nearly as much as i anticipated. i thought it would be excruciating, agonizing, humiliating. Instead it's just a bit awkward, not terribly aversive, and definitely nothing i can't cope with. i feel totally at ease with wearing a collar, being chained to sleep, being given orders, and the rest of the newness. Just about everything has been remarkably easy and comfortable. i HOPE the novelty never wears off because i'm truly happy as things are. i feel SAFE for once which is really all i've ever wanted.
Then again... you can take nou out of the stress but you can't take the stress out of nou. i flipped out a bit last night for absolutely no reason, much as i might have done back in my old life. i guess because i'm so insecure, i've been hyper-sensitive to anything Master has said that might be even close to a criticism. i was able to let brush them off until last night when i made a snotty comment. It was no big deal but Master was working and gave me a look and said my name. He didn't scowl. He didn't raise His voice. He didn't brandish a whip. i said, "i'm done" and He said "thank you".
He went back to work and i felt the tears coming on. i tried to fight them. i truly did. i lost the battle. Right before the floodgates burst, i asked Master if i could go to my spot. It is a small cool closet in a spare room and i love it there. He said He'd just been joking and to "settle". i asked again and He allowed me to go. i barely made it there before i burst into tears and cried for a while. In my head, i had my entire future wiped out. i had lost my ability to control my mouth and was going to ruin things with Master. He was going to want to keep the dogs when i left. i had nowhere to go. From the tiniest thing, i had our bleak and hopeless future together determined. Eventually Master told me to stop crying, though i already had. He allowed me to stay where i was at my request and, a bit later, i came out and forced myself out of the mood. The whole incident was nothing cataclysmic but it should have been nothing at all.
The only other thing i can think of is the physical toll on me. Loading the car alone, including a huge futon, left me exhausted and sore. Then i came here and started doing all sorts of menial things which i have never done before and the inevitable movement they entail. Couple the increased activity level with sitting or kneeling on hardwood floors, wearing an oversized collar (the permanent one was ordered), and having whiplash sex. i am COVERED with bruises and my entire body is ACHING. my hands are dry and cracking and need lotion desperately. my back, my feet, my thighs, my ass, my neck... all protest when i move them and sometimes when i don't. However, i do see that i'm gaining stamina already and that some things are becoming easier and more physically comfortable.
To end on a happy note, the biggest note, the only note that matters to me beyond the hope that rau and v join us here, i am in VA with Master where i belong and i wouldn't change that for ANYTHING!
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