Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One More Thing

i'd always thought that begging forgiveness was for Master's benefit, that He was owed an apology and that i was giving Him that to which He was entitled. While that may be true, i learned yesterday that it is closer to being entirely backwards than accurate. When i tried to beg forgiveness yesterday, Master wouldn't allow me to. He wouldn't hear it. He'd never refused to let me before but He did yesterday and it was horrible. i learned something from it though. Begging forgiveness is for ME. i always saw it as a means of humbling myself and admitting culpability and taking a step toward making things right. But i'd thought i was doing those things for Him. When He didn't allow me, i realized that i truly am entitled to nothing He doesn't grant, even the privilege of begging His forgiveness. i would have given anything if He'd just have heard my words. That new perspective profoundly changes the way i'm viewing things.

New Day, New Outlook

Yesterday was a VERY rough day. i definitely did more crying than laughing. But a lot of good came of it. i got out of my own head and into the real world more and it's already spilling over into today in positive ways. i spoke with v in a full conversation rather than just a three word exchange of information. i don't know why i don't speak with her more. i love her and am always glad after i do. i also made myself speak to Master about a lot of things that were on my mind rather than blogging about them. It's a challenge that pays off because i DO feel better when we interactively communicate. i was sure He was the one not accessible for talking but it turns out He's right there and ready when i actually stop typing and speak. It's kind of pathetic that that's a revelation to me.

This morning just began and i already touched base with Raptor and spoke with pink in depth and gave renee some feedback on slalom (not that she needs it) and asked a visitor if she needed help and i just feel more alive. i was sure that Master was the one retreating and i was the one not but, now that i feel as if i suddenly woke up this morning, i realize i was TOTALLY in retreat mode. Again, a pretty pathetic epiphany.

The reason i'm blogging is that i've been tossing around something in my head and i need to put it in writing to sort through it. i expected punishment for my misbehavior. i asked Master yesterday if He was going to punish me and He said, "For what? Speaking your mind?". At some level i was feeling like just angering Him was enough of a reason since He doesn't need one anyhow. At that point, i was still so upset with myself that i knew i'd feel better if He DID punish me just because it would feel as if the tension was gone afterward. v said she thinks the blog shouldn't EVER be a catalyst for punishment because it needs to be a place where we can express ourselves freely and without fear of repercussion. i understand that point of view and it's valid.

i guess i feel as if i deserve punishment for...

forgetting my place AGAIN

and having an attitude AGAIN

and misusing the blog AGAIN as a way to say what i should have said directly, taking advantage of it as a means of being nasty when i'm perfectly capable of expressing myself without stooping to that level


i don't WANT to be punished. i HATE getting punished and i hate wondering if i will be and speculating over what it might be and dreading it. i get physically ill from the anticipation, nauseous with cramps and an upset stomach. It's not fun.

But is it what i need? Will it make a difference in my future behavior? Will i learn anything from it, which is what Master says the purpose of it is? i know the idea of punishment prevents me from cutting. That's such a concrete thing though, no nuances, no gradation of misconduct.

A lot of the time that i am anticipating punishment, regardless of whether it comes to fruition, i feel as if it's moot anyhow. i am morose over my indiscretion, hellbent on not repeating it, and it sort of seems superfluous to me. At those times, it feels like if i get punished it will simply be because it's appropriate for a Master to punish His kajira when she acts as i did but not as if it will actually serve any purpose. This time i'm not sure, not that it's up to me anyhow or that it requires my intellectual agreement or attitudinal approval.

i guess i just want to NOT keep repeating these errors. (There are so many others i'm certain i'd be great at making!) i talked with Master about this last night. Hindsight is always 20/20 and, once it's too late because i'm already IN trouble, i can see all the patterns which have repeated themselves. Before a problem, i address Master as "Master" less often. i don't call Him anything else, i just don't directly address Him. i start doing things without asking His permission like walking the dogs or using the bathroom. i get WAY too familiar and casual until i'm walking the line... and then i inevitably cross it. Master warns me. He tells me where i'm headed. i just never seem to take His words seriously until i'm past the point of no return.

i want to break free of this cycle because it sucks for Master and for me. It prevents me from growing in other ways and ensures that there will never be much peace between Him and me for very long. i don't know how to do that though. i am ALWAYS genuinely contrite after screwing up and intent upon doing better in the future... and i inevitably make the same mistake again. Why? Is it because it's a more ambiguous sort of mistake to be making than something like cutting? Or is it because i haven't gotten punished for it?

If nothing else, i'm pleased with myself for at least being willing to explore this honestly rather than stooping to a kalli mentality. That's something, i guess.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Don't Know What to DO with myself

Was fine... or thought i was... upset with myself for screwing up but feeling like it would work out okay... eager to beg Master's forgiveness and deal with any punishment and hopefully just move forward... washed the dishes, took a shower... and now i just started thinking about my mother and burst into tears and feel as if she'll never speak to me again and i don't want to turn forty especially if she's not going to speak to me and i'm on borrowed time because Neal is dead anyhow and i don't want to wake Master, not that it's even POSSIBLE to wake Him, because He's mad at me too and because He's out of cigarettes until i bring Him home any later so i don't want Him to have to be awake without them any longer than necessary and the dogs have no food until i get home later and i feel guilty about all they don't have and i just want some kind of comfort but i don't know how to find any.

Jittery

i feel REALLY jittery, in one of those states where i wouldn't dare cut because i don't think i'd stop, where i'd feel no pain and get a rush from watching the blood drip down my body. i'm not suicidal right now. i just don't trust myself to stop cutting once i start because i won't want to stop.

This state of mind isn't a mystery this time. Some of my frustrations came to a head last night, spurred on by the parallels between them and the thoughts v expressed far more eloquently in her own blog. i blogged in the private blog about them and totally pissed Master off. i posted it and retreated to bed like a coward. He stayed awake and dealt with what i'd stirred up. i was totally wrong to have dropped the blog bomb and retreated and i need to beg His forgiveness for that.

i was also wrong in just lambasting Him and SL without qualifying any of it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. i blogged even more viciously once and the result was Him getting EXTREMELY angry and saying the scariest thing of all, that He'd take my collar and leave. i'm not that easy to get rid of.

But i've also blogged with extreme candor and a genuine attempt to balance it out by qualifying it and trying to see His viewpoint and actually remembering my place for once. The result was still His anger though certainly not as extreme. It did lead to a threat to my collar but that was because i continued to be a total bitch and mouthed off when He woke up and addressed what i'd written.

Yes... when He woke up and addressed it... another "hit and run"... i NEED to stop those. They are beyond unfair. i need to force myself to speak directly to Him. Writing to get my thoughts clear in my head or to ensure i don't forget to say anything i need to express is okay. But then i need to communicate with Him directly. i'd be critical of someone who did as i have and used the blog as the exclusive avenue of dialogue.

But i also feel as if He doesn't allow me an emotionally safe avenue of expressing myself and, although i've been wrong to take the routes i have, it would be awesome if there was a less threatening alternative.

This is an excerpt from the private blog which i wrote this morning:

"i need to be able to express myself or i WILL cut and, if that's preferable, by all means PLEASE let me know because i'd rather cut a million times over than talk about these things. i avoided writing that blog for weeks because i knew it would piss you off just as i have avoiding writing others. But i have NO ONE i can talk to because anyone left either wouldn't understand or is someone i don't ever portray you in a negative light to."

Here is another excerpt from the same blog entry:

"What exactly does that mean? That i need to keep thoughts swimming through my head and causing moods and bringing about all the negativity you hate so much? That i have absolutely no safe outlet for thinking that might piss you off? That i can't write them or tell them to others or abuse myself in response to them but am somehow supposed to function with them nevertheless? If i was capable of that, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place because i would have done it. As much as you might not think so, i HATE genuinely angering you. To do so knowingly, as when i wrote the blog, SUCKS."

A big part of the problem, i think, is that He and i are very much alike in how we deal with stress and we are dealing with it concurrently and face to face for the first time. we both retreat, if in entirely different ways. we both lose motivation to do much of anything, even basics like showering or such, and are more inclined to wait than to act. More specifically, we each expect the other to act. If finances allowed, we'd both dive into food, Him into junk food and me into volume eating. Some of what frustrates me so much in dealing with His responses to stress are that they are mine too.

The biggest point which i haven't yet made, and which encapsulates the situation entirely, is the one which should have been foremost in my mind to begin with:

He is Master. i am slave.

He has the luxury of handling things as He chooses and i have the duty to deal with it... not to judge Him or second guess Him or show Him disrespect of any kind. i am owed nothing and am entitled to nothing. Despite that, i get a LOT from Him every day. i overlook it and take it for granted and want more when i should be grateful.

He's been saying that He foresees my begging forgiveness in the immediate future and it turns out that was, in fact, prophetic. It will be today.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Knowing

It's been weird these past few days because i've been stressed to the brink (that blog will follow) but also sensing things without being told them. i knew v had blogged without anyone having told me. Knew it. Went to her blog EXPECTING to see new entries even though she hadn't blogged in weeks. Would have been surprised not to. There has been a lot of that in the past few days. Weird.

Succinct

i want to CUT!

IDK, It amused me so i took it and then posted it here.

Your dating personality profile:

Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Shy - You are often timid around others, though you will open up when the right person comes along.
Your Top Ten Traits

1. Practical
2. Big-Hearted
3. Shy
4. Liberal
5. Sensual
6. Traditional
7. Wealthy/Ambitious
8. Intellectual
9. Romantic
10. Funny
Your date match profile:

Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Big-Hearted
2. Funny
3. Practical
4. Outgoing
5. Intellectual
6. Romantic
7. Sensual
8. Traditional
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Adventurous

Take the Dating Profile Quiz at Would I Date You

Sunday, May 24, 2009

i NEED a Reset Button on my Head

Because if my thoughts haven't changed by the time Master wakes up, He's going to kill me.

i’m stressed about absolutely everything. i remember sitting in my shrink’s office on one of my first visits before i’d ever been medicated for psychiatric stuff and telling him that i just needed to stop thinking, that i couldn’t get my brain to stop tormenting me and i just needed to be able to make it stop. That’s how i feel right now. i am thinking and overthinking and rethinking.

i have more self-awareness than i did when that conversation first took place, more insight and maturity and, when i’m not deeply depressed, more willingness to take responsibility for my mental health rather than just viewing myself as a victim of it. A lot of it is within my control and it is a choice. i get that today, though i also know that making the choice to think and act sanely takes an ENORMOUS amount of energy sometimes at the expense of other things.

Focus may be one of them since i stopped to take a photo of the dogs in the middle of that last sentence, wound up checking my e-mail, turned on a light, looked back at what i’m writing and had no idea that i’d stopped in the first place.

i’m really upset that my asthma kicked in a few days ago. i was intellectually prepared to deal with that but thought i’d cut a break when it had been almost ten weeks before it happened. Now, i’m recalling the way it FEELS to never feel completely okay physically and it’s not even that bad yet. It is VERY draining to always feel as if your breathing is uneasy or your chest tight from congestion. When breathing is a conscious act, it is one more major distraction.

So i signed onto SL because it had actually been a little bit pleasant there last night and, moronic me, i was hoping it might be safe to pop on there again, even in Master’s absence, to just hang out for a bit. WRONG! pink was there and i tried to deal with her casually but she took it to a serious level and i freaked out and ran. i’m still in freak mode.

she did nothing wrong. she was trying to be nice, to be empathetic, to relate to me... not the easiest feat in the world and one MANY won’t even attempt. she offered me some shirt she made and shared about herself in response to having read my blog. i have nothing against her. she’s nice enough and well-intentioned. i don’t find her any more annoying than i do most human beings which is pretty good for me with SLers since i find them grating as hell more often than not.

But she cuts. i have NEVER been able to be around other cutters or hear about them or read about them or ANY of it. It’s a HUGE trigger to my wanting to cut, feeling compelled to cut. i know this isn’t unusual because all the cutting websites i used to hang out on have disclaimers which warn of the potential trigger. Cutting isn’t just self-punishment and an outlet for self-hatred. There is a rush to it at times, some twisted thrill that comes from no other source. When i know someone else cuts, i get jealous and want to cut myself more than i want to breathe.

From the second Master told me she cuts, i just see her or hear her name and it’s what i think of most. i thought that had eased up a bit, and i guess it had, but obviously not all that much. None of this is pink’s fault. None of it is anything she can help or a biproduct of anything she should be doing differently. i just can’t connect with cutters. Not cutting takes a lot of effort with me and i can’t put myself around anyone who magnifies that needed effort a millionfold. It’s not personal. By the same token, i’m not just going to keep avoiding her without explanation.

i’d be cutting right now but Master’s latest promised punishment for my next transgression is being chained and the prospect of that is just slightly more daunting than the idea of cutting is appealing. For now anyway. Just as i found myself snapping a photo of the dogs earlier, i could as easily find myself cutting before i even think about what i’m doing. Or, more likely, i can find myself about to cut and then follow through because it is too close and feels as if it is too late to stop. i stopped from that point the other day, nothing short of a miracle, but i’m not banking on my ability to do it again.

When i signed off SL after the interaction with pink, i immediately looked for the cutting websites i used to have bookmarked under another screen name i used to use. i must have deleted them which is really frustrating me but it’s probably also the only reason i haven’t cut yet today so i’m forcing myself not to search Google for them for now. i did find an old favorite website of mine which gives the amounts of medications needed to overdose and i bookmarked that under this new screen name. i don’t WANT to overdose. There’s just something safe and familiar feeling about having that website close. Like knowing it’s there if i need it. Just the knowing makes me not need it. i feel the same way about my stash of razors, though it's hardly a stash since Master knows about them.

To backtrack, the idea of being chained is incredibly unpleasant to me and came about because i was being obscenely obnoxious and defiant at one point the other night, so much so that even the brandished, metal-inset, heavy belt snapping in my face didn’t jolt me out of it. i turned my attitude around in time only because Master chose to tolerate a LOT of bullshit behavior from me without punishment. i don’t think He was actually mad as much as unwilling to deal with His kajira being willingly and ongoingly disobedient right to His face. Imagine that.

i left the room for a minute on an errand for Him that i actually managed to agree to do and it snapped me out of it entirely. i finally managed to proces that He was about to beat me and chain me and that i STRONGLY wanted to avoid both. i also realized that i’d been mistreating Master this way with thunderbolt as a witness which was a particularly crappy thing to do to Him. i begged forgiveness and meant it and woke up yesterday still very upset with myself for having pushed things so far. i was still reeling form the idea of the trouble i could have brought upon myself and grateful that Master had chosen to be lenient. i shaved my pussy, a surefire make-nou-feel-like-the-slave-she-is action, and also did a lot of cleaning so the house looked inifnitely better when He woke up. He was pleased and that felt good. i’d wanted to put away the belt when i was cleaning but left it out and asked His permission to do so. He allowed me to put it away immediately which was awesome if somewhat unexpected.

It’s funny because v always teases about liking being spanked with the belt or in general and i’d always been the same way. i liked the concept and the interaction and a decent amount of the pain too. Most of my sexual fantasies were about scenarious in which the real me got off imagining the fantasy me forced and beaten and resisting and not liking it. It’s always on my mind when i masturbate in some format. In looking at the old bookmarked websites before, i realized how many had been related to spanking/physical punishment... stories, photos, experiential accounts, all sorts of things. i still find the idea very arousing in play and i think i’m just realizing that the difference now with Master is that it is NOT play. Having Him angry or even just needing to punish me when He’s not is about as far from playful as it could get.

i’d kind of wondered why spanking didn’t seem fun with Him beyond a swat on the ass or that sort of thing and the answer, which is obvious in retrospect, is that this is real. None of the scenes with Jason or before him were ever real even though some sort of had a real feel to them and definitely left real bruises. Still, when the belt got put down, or the lashes at least stopped, there was going to be sex and then it would be back to being vanilla again. Those scenes were fun and i think they still would be but NOT with Master. i wonder if there’s an avenue for them that is compatible with being Master’s. The best of both worlds.

Back to sources of stress before i close this absurdly long though somewhat cathartic blog. And i choose this last source to illustrate for myself that i really can and will and do take ANYTHING, even the most positive thing in the world, and turn it into a source of stress. Master and i watched part of a movie yesterday, something we hadn’t done together before, and it was kind of cool despite tons of distractions. He said that it would be nice to get some DVDs and watch movies offline and cuddle on the futon when we’re able financially.

This idea seemed awesome. It IS awesome. i literally was in tears about it twice yesterday, though not in front of Him. It isn’t so much the details as what they represent. Crap, i’m going to cry again now. i hate when i’m in an easily teary mood which is OFTEN. Anyhow, it sort of illustrated that He finds my presence something beyond barely tolerable which, me being me, i DO need illustrated. So, life should have been great, right? But this IS me, after all.

The what-ifs started. What if it never happens? What if i get restless and can’t hold still and it feels claustrophobic while we’re cuddling? What if it’s too hot at that moment and i’m sweaty and sticky and gross? Need i say more? It just went on from there which i suppose brings me full circle to the beginning of this post recalling myself sitting in my shrink's office insisting that i need to STOP thinking all the time.

Master made me actually talk to Him directly the other day instead of just blogging and then fielding His response to the entry, if any. It was excruciatingly hard to say what i wanted to say out loud and face to face but i think it actually helped, both the interactive communication and successfully forcing myself to do something uncomfortable. Hmmm, so much for ending this entry at a logical point. i guess those last sentences just popped out like the camera did to photograph the dogs earlier.

In any case, this blog entry is complete and i am somewhat distracted from wanting to cut... of course saying that just reminded me about wanting to cut... of course... GRRRRR!!! i need to stop thinking!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

my Specialty: No-Win Situations

i've gone this particular route many times with Jason (whom i incidentally miss FAR more than i'd anticipated and have been crying for daily) so it is somewhat familiar ground, for what that's worth. Master read my blog. He's been very on top of reading my blog entries consistently and immediately lately. Thank you, my Master.

Anyhow, He initially started to reassure me and i started to cringe. Then He must have gotten to the part that spoke of my dreading His reassurances. He said that i do not have to go and that He will meet them somewhere. He asked if i felt better. Um, this is ME! Of course i didn't.

i don't feel better because it's an upsetting situation for me and it will suck no matter how it's handled. When things came up with Jason they went one of two ways.

EITHER... i was obligated to go for some reason and the anticipation was SO stressful for me that i totally fell apart as the event approached, cutting myself and otherwise behaving like a basket case. By the time the event was there, i had either fallen apart completely and was unable to go due to being in an entirely non-functional clinically depressed state or i actually made it to the event and had a wonderful time with Jason amazed that i did so. Once i was actually immersed in the situation, it pretty consistently went well.

OR... i was not obligated to go and the anticipation was uneventful but, by the time the event was there and Jason at it without me, i totally fell apart and cut myself and fell into an entirely non-functional depressed state. i was always left feeling as if i had failed Jason by not being able to go or even wanting to.

It was almost a chicken/egg thing. Was i going to fall apart before the event and then handle it well? Or was i going to handle the time leading to the event well and then fall apart while absent from it? Whichever came first, the result was me having a period of respite and one of agonized self-abusive loathing.

i also feel bad that Master will go without me because that is probably not what He wants. Then again, maybe He'd prefer to go without me in which case i feel bad about that. Again, it's a no-win situation. Heads, i lose. Tails, i lose. Either i fail Him or He doesn't want me there anyhow. Welcome to my head!

The underlying problem and bigger issue is my inability to allow anyone, even Master, to reassure me of ANYTHING even when a part of me desperately wants to be reassured. i fight it tooth and nail even while realizing at some level that it's what i want. But there IS no assuaging my anxiety unless i were to just pretend to feel better. i don't know how to make my brain stop resisting and then i am totally demoralized because the same pattern cycled through yet again. And let's not forget the frequency with which i resent others for not adequately reassuring me! Because that's reasonable! No one can extricate me from this self-created no-win pattern since i don't know how to let them.

Where do i go from here?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Stay the Fuck Away!

It is amazing how one problem that seemed insurmountable can apparently be solved (maybe) only to be immediately replaced by another which feels as overwhelming for entirely different reasons. A couple of SLers are supposed to visit here on the weekend. i do NOT want to meet them. When it seemed like more of a maybe, i forced myself to put it out of my mind... BARELY. But now it sounds as if it's a likelihood and i do NOT want to meet them.

It has nothing to do with them. i have nothing against either of them. It's me. i feel way too disgusting to meet anyone. They are young and normal looking and i am old and fat and totally gross. i don't want to be seen by them or anyone. It's bad enough that i need to deal with ANYONE irl but i definitely don't want to deal with SLers. i like nou the avi. i like how she looks. When i'm on SL, i want to be able to feel as if i have some basic affinity to her. i'm not deluded into thinking i'm actually her or that she's real. It's just a place where i don't have to feel like a freak, as per my avi, at least not for how i look. i do NOT welcome replacing the image of the avi with the image of the repulsive reality in anyone's mind. Once i do, i will no longer FEEL like nou the avi in their eyes and that SUCKS. i'll feel as if everyone "knows" and everything will be ruined. It's too much to give up for a couple of hours.

And now that Master is probably going to read this and know what i'm thinking, He's likely to try to "help" which will inadvertently make me feel like even more of a loser. i can so easily envision Him paying some bullshit compliment to my fucking, grotesque, SERIOUSLY-NEEDS-TO-BE-CUT hair, mistakenly thinking it will do something other than make me even more self-conscious and feel more like a freak being thrown a piteous remark as an indulgent if off-base kindness. Or maybe He'll stick with non-physical compliments so as not to alert my bullshit radar too quickly. "Yeah, that nou! she can really make a bologna sandwich!". i'd rather get beaten than deal with that. If i thought bringing about a beating would result in getting me out of going, i'd do it in a heartbeat! i want no part of them. i don't want to meet them or spend time with them and i DEFINITELY don't want to sit through a damn meal with them! Let them all go out and have a great time. i want to stay home under a rock with the dogs.

It's more than enough that i feel hideous in the whole world's eyes and in Master's, which means in my own home. Feeling it on SL too is going to make that BARELY appealing outlet not even the ace-up-my-sleeve it can sometimes be for me. i hope they have a great trip and get home safely... while staying the fuck away from me. If Master finds the idea of hanging out with them pleasing then let HIM do so while i stay home.

Monday, May 18, 2009

slave?

Okay, i’m more grounded today but WAY more hypersensitive too. i get like this. i recognize it. Master’s admonishments when i’m NOT like this can seem meaningless or, worse, even amusing to me. When i AM like this, He can just say “nou” in a remotely stern voice and i fight off tears even if i know at some level that He’s mostly joking. He teased me in a silly and contextually appropriate comparison to slimy pet shop creepy-crawlies and i couldn’t help but take it seriously.

i can handle crazy or rude, knowing damn well that they fit, but the way in which i feel physically disgusting just makes it hurt at an entirely different level. my grandafther told me over thirty years ago that he would love me more if i was thin. i’ve been sure the world was on the same page as him ever since that day, sure that he and they wouldn’t love me at ALL unless i was thin. Want to guarantee a lifelong eating disorder? Tell an insecure little girl you’ll love her more if she’s thin.

That was the day today, that heightened sensitivity, largely because it started off with Master’s whip in my face and some threats from Him that were less than appealing. It seems that after having ordered me to clean up all the stuffing that Norman had tugged from the torn pillows, He found my shredding a clump of the stuffing and scattering it into an even greater mess to be belligerent. Imagine that! That it followed my having mouthed off quite possibly didn’t help either. Some things needed to fall back into place between Him and me after last night. He needed to be Master and i needed to be slave. It’s amazing how quickly a brandished whip can bring about that state! i hate that thing. (The whip, not Master.)

But a lot has been playing in my head today (for several days actually) and some of it has a basis in how i’m legitimately feeling, beyond the depression and anxiety. The biggest is my questioning whether i am even slave. i thought i was and it used to feel as if being slave was coming home, as if i finally fit somewhere in a world where i’d never done a thing but stand out even if fitting in was what i actually wanted. Maybe fitting in was always such an impossibility for me that doing so came to take on a negative connotation in my mind. If i can’t do it then i may as well view it distastefully. i still loathe the idea and i still can’t do it. There’s got to be a correlation.

In any case, i’m not even like other slaves in the most basic of ways and maybe that means i’m not slave at all. If it does mean that, though, it also means i’m not ANYTHING at all, that there’s nowhere i’ll ever belong. It means this is all there is, that this is as good as it gets to quote the movie. It means it’s time to stop hoping and just succumb to either living in a world in which i’ll never fit or leaving it. That concept just cycles my thoughts back to the fact that on May 7th i’d lived as many days as my brother did. Why use borrowed time to remain a miserable oddity? Why not just give up?

Why keep trying to make it work anyhow? Even if i decide i really am slave, since maybe i don’t suck at it any more than i do at everything else (though no less either), there are still things that are NEVER going to work and i’m finding myself unable to forego worrying about them. i’m still going to feel isolated and repulsive and lonely and wanting someone whom i have no potential to connect with as things are. i’m still going to be unwilling to serve alongside anyone as young as willow will still be in a few years. i’m still going to feel as if any semblance of a niche i have is totally gone with v here. Yes, why worry about things which may not happen? But why wait around for them to happen? Why subject myself and others to that? Why not leave BEFORE it gets to be that bad? May 7th. Everything else is icing. Borrowed time. Time that’s not mine.

i’m not actively suicidal as much as just not wanting to be alive, not wanting to stick around for the upset that is to come, not feeling capable of the battle or worthy of the unlikely victory.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Not Done Yet

Wow! i am so entirely overwhelmed that i don't even know where to begin. Everything is changing from willow's name to midnight's stable affiliation to, hopefully, my job situation. i hate change and am in a state where i hate it even more than usual which is considerable.

After blogging earlier, i took the dogs out on a long walk in an effort to avoid cutting and get some exercise and give them an outlet for their excess energy as well as some mental stimulation. Nothing says canine mental stimulation like smelling the poop of the neighborhood dogs! i left a note for Master and headed down the road while it was still light outside. It got dark and the dogs got tired and it wound up being sort of scary because the road was unlit and the cars were close. i kept the dogs on the inside away from the cars so it would be my body taking the hit before theirs. That was just habit, and just as i'd do if i was walking with a child or two. But it was pitch black after a while all i could see were headlights coming at me and it looked and felt as if they would hit me and i didn't think the cars could see me and i sort of thought the road curved so it would be okay but it was still scary and i got a rush from it and i LIKED that. Anyhow, all three of us made it home okay.

So... i got home feeling good, much stronger than when i'd left. i was proud of myself for not having cut and for leaving a note for Master before leaving and not taking the car or any blades and just for having gotten some exercise. Master was upset when i arrived home. i went and sat in the spot where i sleep but i was confused. At first i assumed He was mad at me and i felt as i do when i am waiting to find out if He'll punish me for something and, if so, how. my inclination when i feel that way is to provoke Him into responding to me because i'd rather know what i'm dealing with than wait to find out, even if that makes it worse.

BUT... i was actually rational. i realized that i didn't know if i was actually the source of His upset yet. i recalled that He'd been feeling ill before i had left and that He'd been unhappy with v at the time too. i actually just went off and waited without freaking out. Rationality! From me! Imagine that!

It turned out there were a number of things going on and my own hold on Master's mood was not nearly as big a factor as i was inclined to assume at first. i actually got through the uncomfortable feelings without making anything worse. Go me!

But there is more on my mind and it finally hit me tonight what is getting to me the most, as the underlying basis for everything. On Thursday, May 7th, i turned the EXACT age my brother was when he died, to the very day. He never made it to forty. i feel as if i'm on borrowed time, as if i shouldn't either. i think that is a big part of why i don't want to turn forty. And i DON'T. i don't want more than he had. i don't deserve more than he had. i'm ten days over right now. i've lived for ten days that he didn't get. Why? Who the hell am i?

As Long as i'm on a Roll Here...

Master smokes too much and He's going to die of cancer or die some other way and leave me alone and i'm worried about driving all the way out to the interview tomorrow and getting lost and not having money for gas to get home and i REALLY want to cut right now.

Unadulterated Terror and Some Dog Stuff

Underlying fear is a contributor to just about everything with me and i think it's only fair to acknowledge it in relation to Master's moneymaking plans. Some of my fear is about whether they actually will lead to income but another part of it relates to the fact that it will necessitate His traveling and my remaining home without Him. i am absolutely petrified of that. It was always kind of scary when Jason and the boys traveled and i was home alone in New York but i LOVED the chance to liberated from my room and to not be afraid of being hurt by the inhabitants of the house. Having the dogs helped me to feel safe.

But the bottom line was that i had local friends and family and active health insurance and access to money and was in an area with which i was familiar. The thought of being abandoned in Virginia knowing no one and lacking insurance and without money and largely unfamiliar with the area has me absolutely terrified. i don't want to be away from Master. i don't need the respite from Him that i did from the boys. i'm not isolated within the house and looking forward to a chance to leave a lonely room.

And... what if He doesn't come back? Then what? What if, just as He'd find a traditional job stifling, He realizes that He finds this house and this fucked up kajira and the entire state of Virginia stifling too? What if a new adventure is infinitely more exciting to Him than the boring old bull shit, which it inevitably will be? What about me?

Moving right along since thinking about that just makes me cry and want to cut, i'm worried about the dogs too. my shrink has said that i project my own feelings of helplessness onto them, and i'm sure that's the case here too, but that doesn't make them any less troublesome in my head. They are still real feelings even if they are rooted in myself. The dogs are getting restless and frustrated too. They have no yard to run in and no new toys or chew bones. i have been giving them people food treats and worry that their sodium intake is through the roof too and that they are being rendered unhealthy by it. i worry that Archie wants to go out all the time and maybe he urinates too much because he's diabetic, like me, and his kidneys are being harmed like mine are and he'll need dialysis like i will or he will die like i will. The dogs are way behind on vet care because i never had money for it in New York either. i worry that they will get heartworm from mosquitos or catch some disease from contact another dog or dog waste because they are behind on their shots and some things are spread that way. i worry that they're not happy and that it was unfair and selfish of me to bring them here and subject them to this.

More tears. No tissues. i am SO fucking frustrated. i want to cut. i want to run, just for the moment, outside and away. i want to smoke a joint and shut my brain. i want to be in Jason's arms and believe his reassurances. i want to feel safe. i want to feel hopeful. i want to feel wanted, not just to be told it but to believe it.

Sex, Drugs, Money: These ARE a Few of my Favorite Things

I'm getting angry and frustrated again and don't want to be in trouble with Master or to be additional trouble TO Master. Hopefully blogging will help.

I'll work backwards from the title. Money. i am majorly stressed about money and thinking about the financial situation here in a lot of different ways. Part of the problem is that i've never been one to take a leap of faith and count chickens which aren't yet hatched. Hell, i don't even count chickens in a Perdue package in the grocery bag in the car on the way home from the supermarket. Who knows? There could be a car accident. They could spoil before i get home. They could be stolen by chicken thieves. Hmmm, i may be just a bit tangential here. In any case, relying on something that has not yet come to fruition is neither in my experience nor in my nature.

So... Part of me is constantly resentful that Master isn't currently and actively doing more to bring in income, especially when i am constantly sending out resumes and interviewing and babysitting and scoring us stuff from Craig's list to help us get by. i feel as if He is just waiting and that it is unfair and i really don't give a fuck at times that i am not entitled to any sort of fairness. There are things i want and things i need and i'm spoiled. i'm not used to doing without things at as great a level as i am right now, especially medically. i worry that Master's plans will never take off, either because He doesn't act on them or because they just don't work out. i worry that finances will all be on me, as it feels like they are now, and that i'll never be able to do an adequate job of it. i worry that i'll never be able to send money to help support my kids. i worry that the health problems i already have and those i am at high risk for will cause all sorts of challenges with which i won't be able to cope. i worry!

On the other hand, since i've been here Master has brought in thousands while i haven't brought in even $200. So who should be looking at whom as not contributing enough? i am NOT entitled to fairness and i can't expect situational entitlement. Regardless of what actually does happen, since no one has a working crystal ball, Master has every intention of moving forward with His plans at developing an income next month. i believe in His intentions. i know He will be happy if they work out and unhappy if they don't or can't. i know He'd be unhappy in a traditional job and i don't want Him to be unhappy or trying to fill some role that's not Him, ESPECIALLY due to me. But then i stress over using what little money there will be taht we KNOW we have to start up His plans and not being able to use it for the things we need or to send to my kids. Unhatched chickens. Stress.

Moving backwards through the title. Drugs. Without money, i'm off a LOT of my medications or on drastically decreased dosages of them, including the total cessation of all psychiatric ones a little while back. Some of it is causing problems, not the least of which is that i don't have the means to confirm or deny these problems so i stress over them. I know my diabetes is way out of whack. my toes are numb and tingling, my fingers intermittently do the same to the point that i can't do what i want to do like when i was working on puzzles or sewing that stupid thing for the Carroll's, i am thirsty a lot and dizzy sometimes and feeling crappy in a physical way. And that is from just ONE of my NUMEROUS medical conditions. It's even more frustrating because, in that instance, i have some of the meds and supplies i need but no way to test my blood sugar in order to safely adjust them.

i know that diet plays a big role in how i'm feeling too. EVERYTHING we have to eat is carbohydrate and sodium laden and i feel even more huge than usual, bloated and gross and worrying that my blood pressure is through the roof. i have always seen a close relationship between how i feel physically and emotionally with what i eat. It's not just a matter of wanting the foods i like better but of needing fresh produce and proteins to feel functionally healthy. i understand they are not possible right now but my body is craving them.

There's also an emotional craving. i NEVER feel full even though i am definitely taking in far more calories than i had been when we had healthier options here. i want to eat because i'm stressed and because i'm not eating items which are satisfying taste and texture-wise. i'm spoiled on this front. i get that. we HAVE food. It's not as if there isn't always something to eat. i can't isolate how much of it is a legitimate physical response to what i'm eating and how much of it is my being accustomed to sedating myself with food and to being selective with it. It's irrelevant since neither of those are options just now.

The last item in the title. Sex. i want to have sex. i've been pining for Jason the past few days, missing him and wanting him. i've been wanting something from rau but i'm not even sure what. Maybe just a bit of respect and common courtesy before a final goodbye. i don't have a clue what i want from Master. If He doesn't touch me, i feel totally repulsive and disgusting. But if He does, in play or in emotional support, i resist Him and push Him away. It's as if we've gotten into this pattern and i don't know how to break free of it but it doesn't allow for ANY happy outcome. i don't want Him near me out of pity and now i ALWAYS think it is pity. Either He doesn't touch me and i feel rejected or He does and i feel as if it is a sympathetic gesture which feels obligatory to Him. i'd rather feel rejected than pitied.

And what is my role anyhow? He told pink that she didn't have to ask to hug Him because shows of affection towards one's Master are always welcome. i don't know how much that "always" was actually true. i never approach Him, even just with a casual hug, and that's not like me. i guess it goes back to preferring rejection to pity but not so entirely that i wouldn't as soon just avoid both and remain in my own little mode of isolation and then whine here about being confused as to why i'm lonely and pining for something more than my own hand.

In any case, i need SOMETHING to be different sexually but i don't know what or from where/whom this change needs to come. It IS a need though, not merely a want. Even if it is largely of my own creation, it is getting to me and on my mind a LOT and a huge source of upset. Craigslist ad: Replacement rau wanted. Must stick around.

i'm sure there are a million more things on my mind but i'm feeling blogged out at the moment.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Willow's Sixteenth Birthday and Adult Wisdom

Mirei P
thats good...i was worried reading it. (This blog)

nouhandlefortoo
Why?

Mirei P
i know you can do so much better, and i wonder why you're holding back.

nouhandlefortoo
What you anticipate and what actually is are not the same.

Mirei P
but so much is going on...those were my own thoughts nou...its all justifiable.

nouhandlefortoo
Screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me is NOT going to be justifiable even if there's a lot going on
There are reasons for the struggles but that doesn't make them okay

Mirei P
you're right...and i know you can do better. But you're choosing not to whether you know it or not...and i refuse to believe that. Events going on in your life seems to balance the blame...but i've been here long enough to know that what you are doing is unacceptable.
...i look up to you all the same. i know things will smooth out.

nouhandlefortoo
If i could just do better, i wouldn't need a collar. i need Master to make me do better and the more obnoxious i get, the more i need that from Him. i hit a new low in obnoxious yesterday and He snapped right into Master mode and put a stop to it. That's why i'm so calm today. i'm not challenging Him. i know where the lines are drawn and am not pushing at them. This is what feels safe to me. It always has, even in my own head when i was a scared little eight year old. i'm not of the same mentality as most slaves, i don't think, but this works for me.

Mirei P
i understand you nou...but i think you need to fill in some of those lines for yourself...empowerment, freedom in your own closure. Master doesn't like hurting you, you know this.
you have to rather...things will even out.

nouhandlefortoo
He hates it. His hating it is what makes it so bad for me.

Mirei P
to see Him unhappy>
?

nouhandlefortoo
To know that i have forced His hand and pushed Him to do something that upsets Him, yes

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

"i Baked Your Fucking Cake"

Apparently that's high on the list of things NOT to say to one's Master. i think i covered the entire list about a million times over in the past few days and yesterday in particular.

i got annoyed at Master's being goofy which was exactly the same goofiness which had cheered me up earlier in the day, the same goofiness whose PURPOSE was to make me laugh. So i got even more obnoxious than i had been prior, no small feat. Master wanted me to bake a cake. A boxed mix. No big deal. Um, hello, SLAVE here!

i refused.

i've been telling Him "no" constantly of late and it seriously needs to stop. Apparently He felt this way too because He got the quirt and, with a lingering bitchy attitude and no semblance of respectfulness, i baked the cake. i stuck around until it was done and removed it from the oven. At the time this seemed like a HUGE concession on my part, as if i was doing Him a MAJOR favor. Um, hello, SLAVE here!

Master was worried about me as this was going on and it just pissed me off further. When i went into the bathroom (without asking of course since i was in full bitch mode), He was ready to investigate since that's where i would most likely cut and where i'd gone when i was going to kill myself.

Then i went and sat in the spot where i sleep and Master wanted to know where i was. Answering Him might have been a good idea. Perhaps with something more informative than "What difference does it make?". i wasn't doing anything wrong physically and was livid that i needed to answer to Him. Um, hello, SLAVE here!

i was still mad at Him for having been acting goofy earlier but not for distrusting me when i was in a mood. Besides hurting myself in the bathroom fairly recently, i'd left the house barefoot through the window of the room where my spot is not very many days ago and His specific question had been whether i was in that room or the bedroom. He hadn't insisted i do anything other than come out where He could see that i was safe. That He used to trust me to be safe but no longer does due to my own actions really infuriated me. i refused to move.

He was even fairly tolerant of that and gave me a bit of time before again demanding that i come out. i whined and argued and refused and insisted i wasn't doing anything wrong and finally told Him to just leave me alone because i had baked His fucking cake. Um, hello, SLAVE here!

i think He must have teleported into the bedroom because there was a quirt in my face attached to a none too pleased Master before i could even blink. He had had it by that point and my cursing in speaking to Him had been the final straw. i wasn't any less pissed, maybe even more so, but i'm also not stupid. i started answering Him respectfully. i was scared that He'd punish me physically but never that He'd lose control and seriously hurt me. Still, He was mad and i wasn't about to resist any longer.

Despite my acquiescence, He struck my left thigh with the quirt once before escorting me back into the other room. It hurt but it surprised me more than anything. i hadn't been expecting HIm to use it since i'd started listening to Him again but i'd certainly driven Him to the point of doing so... and past that point... into a different zip code. i remained mad nevertheless. Even that didn't snap me out of the mood i was in though it definitely made me behave.

After sitting on the futon for a few minutes glaring at Him, i asked in a voice i took care to make sound bitchy, how long i had to stay there. He asked if i wanted to go to bed. He asked it nicely. my response? "If it will get me out of HERE, i do". He allowed me to go and i never chained, just fell asleep. When i woke up, my bad mood had gone, thank God, replaced by a tiny bruise where the quirt had struck.

i found it kind of ironic because i have seldom carved at my legs when i cut so they don't bear may self induced scars. The mark from the quirt happens to be right at the only such scars on either of my legs. i don't know. There just seemed something sort of poetic about that to me.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

E-Mail with Jason

i'm obsessing on reading and rereading my correspondence with Jason so i may as well post it here where i can access it as easily as the letter to my mother which i'll tweak, print, and mail to her on Friday.

ME: Hello. Thank you for answering. I nearly deleted the e-mail because I didn't recognize the screen name. If you have ever sent any other e-mail from it, I never got it. I generally don't open anything from a name I don't recognize. Fortunately, I realized this one was different.

JASON: I will forward your mail to you this week.

ME: Thank you.

JASON: I have not deliberately kept it from you.

ME: I wouldn't have thought you would but it seemed kind of weird to me when I got the package of books out of the blue. I just didn't know what to make of that. I've never known you to be spiteful but I would have understood if you'd decided to be now.

JASON: My life since you have left has been overwhelmed by emotional and financial hardship.

ME: I can't even imagine! I truly can't. I never intended to leave when I did and fully expected to be there until June 27th as I had told you in the prior months. I had a situation at work which wound up being a catalyst for my leaving suddenly. Part of me couldn't face you with the news and that was coawrdly. I was also worried that you (or your father and you) would try to find a way to have me labeled incompetent and forced to stay if I said anything. Dr. Stein knew about June 27th and was very supportive but I wasn't sure what he would say at the sudden change in dates.

JASON: Despite all his gains in the months prior to March, Shane has been hospitilized twice since you left. He has had great difficulty coping with feeling responsible for your leaving, and of course your absence has stirred up traumatic memories of losing his first mother. He is home now, but the people who are working with him feel that he may require long term hospitalization and perhaps placement after that with a teaching family to work through issues of abandonment.

ME: I KNOW that my leaving has to have done a number on all three of you and I'm not trying to minimize that. Nevertheless, I already saw Shane's future largely in those terms before I ever left. I love him. I truly do. His issues were never going to be remediated by the stable home I was never able to help provide for him anyhow. Having a suicidal self-injuring mother with a hostile attitude locked alone in a room 24/7 torn between death and running as her means of escape wasn't an asset to him either. It wasn't a lack of medication or counseling on my part either, despite what many people seem to believe. Dr. Stein said it best. I couldn't medicate for an unlivable situation or counsel my way through what was the overwhelming source of so many of my problems. Despite feeling absolutely horrible for having to do as I did, I do know it wasn't a choice. I'm sure you'd agree that Shane wouldn't be any better off if he'd returned home one day to find my body in the tub in a pool of blood with the wrists slit. The ONLY way for me to be any sort of positive and healthy influence in his life was to get healthy and the ONLY way to that was to leave.

JASON: Ethan has not required hospitilization, but suicidal ideations he has expressed through poetry has the staff at Freeport High School observing him closely.

ME: I am glad they are aware of it and taking his suicidality seriously. Leaving him hurt a lot because I know that he and I connected in a way that he didn't with you. That's NOT the slightest criticism of you. You're a great father. I've always said that, if not always directly to you. I just "got" him in a different sort of way.

JASON: I am not saying these things to make you feel guilty; I am simply expressing the facts that my family and I are coping with as best we can. I'm sure you'll understand that getting your mail off to you was not the highest priority among the crises. My work responsibilities and my doctoral work have likewise been placed on the back burner.

ME: As hard as this might be for you to believe, my guilt is actually not huge because i know... KNOW... that I would be dead right now, at my own hand, if I had remained. I do feel guilty and, more so, horribly inadequate for not being able to be what you and the boys needed. I had expressed that to you many times and in many ways over the years. But I wasn't able to and no amount of counseling or medication was going to make me able to. Of course my mail wasn't your priority. I just have been without needed documents from BOCES, assuming they were sent, and didn't have another way to access anything. The very last thing I am looking to do is add to your burdens. That is why I never did the change of address form that would have landed mail in my name which you needed in Virginia.

JASON: Despite personal heartbreak and anger, I do honestly believe that you love us and care about us and felt that leaving was necessary for your survival and in the kids best interest.

ME: It is beyond my greatest hope if you truly can realize that because it is the God's honest truth. I tried for months to express that to you and, in ways, for years. You are such a wonderful and talented person and I tried so hard and wish so much that I was capable of staying your wife. I am crying as I write this. I still wish it now. I love you so much. You did everything you possibly could have to help me and so much more than most men would have done. That you were an incidental victim to my own needs really sucks. I want for you the happiness that I could never give you. I want you to have the very best because you deserve it. I hope that in time you find it. And I DO miss you terribly. I would kill, just for a moment, to be able to feel safe in your strong arms and loved in a way that no one in my life has ever loved me before or is likely ever to again. But I missed you when I was still living there. I miss memories, not realities. I miss what might have been but couldn't be.

JASON: I met with a lawyer and I am told that I am entitled to child support from you. Though the lawyer was somewhat incredulous when I explained this: I believe you want to and will help the kids financially in any way you can without being court ordered to.

ME: Everyone here is amazed when I tell them you won't do anything malicious to screw me over either. I guess I'd started to wonder a bit due to the entire lack of contact from you (unless you sent other e-mails under this screen name and I deleted them unknowingly). My finincial situation is as bleak as yours. I have no insurance and therefore no medication left or healthcare and have been dealing with an injury and other untreated things. I have a landlord owed back rent who is getting increasingly upset with me. I have earned a total of $100 since I left and I had only enough gas money to get here leaving me with nothing extra in my pocket. I literally shop for all my food at Dollar Tree and scrimp to choose items which can be made to extend furthest. Believe me, I am NOT looking for sympathy. I know damn well that I invited this upon myself. I just wanted you to realize that I'm not living in luxury and holding out on you and the boys. If I am able to provide you with ANY financial support, I absolutely will. I simply can't even take care of myself right now at the most basic of levels. Along those lines, I have almost no clothing here and only one pair of shoes which are getting worn. If you have any ability to send me anything I can wear, that would be awesome. I know you probably have neither the time nor the money but I figured I'd mention it. I am going on interviews but I have to look okay on them and can't. It's a catch 22. Also, salaries here are nowhere near what they are in New York so even if I do find a job my income will be very limited.

JASON: As for the house, I am in forclosure and unable to make payments but I am exploring every possible avenue to stay in it. I don't want the kids to face the added trauma of losing their home if I can help it, but essentially we are in dire financial straits and may be forced into renting an apartment--though I lack the funds for a security deposit and my father is upset that he is unable to assist.

ME: I don't have any means of helping with any of this unfortunately. Your father and entire family are no doubt incredibly upset and furious. Their help and support was why I was able to survive there as long as I did. I do realize the domino effect my leaving has surely had upon them and I wish it were otherwise.

JASON: Though I am making every effort to keep the house, the chances are slim. I will need to have you off the deed and mortgage so I can re-negotiate terms. The attorney will advise on how this must be done. I will send you all the info.

ME: Please do. I will do whatever I can to facilitate things.

JASON: I am also going to need you to sign court papers giving me full custody of the children, or I have been told I could run into trouble making medical decisions for them or the like down the road.

ME: That makes sense and it's not something I'd thought of before. Again, I'll do whatever helps you and the boys most. I know this won't hold up as a legal document but I'll state now in this e-mail that I consent to your making full medical decisons for the boys.

JASON: Though you had told me I could have full custody, I sincerely hope you still choose to remain in contact with them and be part of their lives.

ME: Absolutely, 100%! They are my sons and always will be.

JASON: But please be careful what you say to Ethan. He was very upset when you told him you were sitting for a little diabetic girl. I was at a loss what to say when he asked me how come you were able to take care of her but not able to live with us.

ME: I am EXTREMELY careful in everything I say to either of them. I had thanked him for teaching me about diabetes because it let me help someone. I expressed appreciation for what he has shown me. I see now that it backfired but my intention was to build him up a bit. Also, she's on the pump and I was hoping it might help him gain comfort with the idea for himself. It's hardly as if I'm her mother. I spend about ninety minutes with her after school until her mother gets home from work on days it works out that she needs me. I can see how Ethan would put a different spin on that though. I'll definitely keep in mind what you said. I tell the boys in every communication that you need their cooperation and to focus on their goals and all the positive things that I hope they'll hear. I make sure to preface everything with disclaimers as to how I'm not in a position to promise them anything like visits despite how much I miss them. I'll continue to do all I can to be a positive source of guidance for them. It is truly a gift now that, instead of resenting them, I cherish the chance to speak with them. Instead of anger, I feel love toward them. It's a twisted irony but I feel like their mom for the first time in years.

JASON: The kids have been distressed at their inability to contact Sally. Lori has spoken with her and encouraged her to call the children but she has made no effort to contact them. If you could help in this area, I would greatly appreciate it.

ME: My mother said that I turned my back on her and everyone and she can't see it from any other point of view. That's not her fault since I have never told her the details which could help her understand what I'm coping with. I don't know if sparing her that stress back then eventually backfired and made it worse now. The last time I spoke with her was a couple of weeks ago and it was NOT a pleasant conversation in terms of the sentiments she expressed. I left about half a dozen messages for her yesterday and got no response to any. I wish I had any influence with getting her to call the boys and will try to do so if I think I can help but, realistically, I doubt it will do any good. I don't even know if she is okay right now and am worried about her.

JASON: --Jason

ME: It was great to hear from you despite the circumstances. I know your last priority is yourself but, along the lines of the airplane oxygen when you are supposed to attend toyour needs first so you can better help your kids, I hope you find a way to take care of yourself as well.

With love,
Lissa

Monday, May 11, 2009

On Edge

Okay, my nerves are shot and i'm well aware of it so i'll put this here instead of whining about it irl.

Master was getting annoyed that mikenumbers on SL kept repeatedly IMing Him to get His attention for his Mistress Sherri. With Master's permission, i IMed mikenumbers and told Him that Master's not responding means He is busy and to back off. i wasn't nice about it. i didn't need to be. he is slave too.

[2009/05/11 18:54] If Master does not respond it means He is busy. Trying again and again to get His attention only interferes with His finishing up what He is busy with. This irritates Him (not to mention me) and delays His fishing His task and responding to you. Contact Him once and BACK OFF.

Then he IMed me the word "no" before sending another IM that the word had been intended for another chat window.

[2009/05/11 19:05] It better have been!

he asked what i meant by that response.

[2009/05/11 19:09] That if i had told you to back off my Master and your response had been "no" then you would NOT be happy with the results

That's pretty much what i do for Master on SL. i keep idiots at bay when He allows me to do so. i'm good at it and i enjoy it.

Then Mistress Sherri IMed me and said that mikenumbers had been contacting Master on her behalf which i had already known. she even apologized for his intrusiveness if not in the most coherent English.

[2009/05/11 19:19] HI sorry mike was bothering your master. but it was me that want to speek to him.

i answered her respectfully.

[2009/05/11 19:21] Yes, Mistress. It was just his method of IMing Him over and over and over again. If my Master doesn't respond to an IM, there is a reason and mike needs to know not to keep sending more.

She seemed fine with that and the conversation ended.

[2009/05/11 19:21] ok

It seemed as if all was well until she then IMed my Master complaining about how i had spoken to everyone, including Him, at some earlier time and asserting that i should be made to apologize to all who were present. That she did this isn't what has me upset because people are idiots as do idiotic things constantly, wholly unaware of their own idiocy. First of all, if Master has a problem with my conduct it is His place to address it. She had no business bringing it up with Him because He had been present for it and was therefore already aware of it. Who is she to tell Him what behavior He should tolerate and how He should respond to it? Also, i hadn't even been signed onto SL at the time but she'd heard me in the background through Master's microphone. i don't even know what offended her or recall the conversation to which she was referring. It's irrelevant. i could have blown it off pretty easily though, even in my present frame of mind. Except...

Master's response to her, in an effort to shut her up so He didn't have to deal with her, was to tell her that i've had a bad day and that He has handled it. Um? As to my having had a bad day, the understatement of the century, i recognize that i'm not entitled to any privacy so, despite my not liking His saying that, it would be beyond unreasonable for me to complain about it. However, i feel like His appeasement of her confirmed in her mind that i had done something wrong when i hadn't and reinforced her being out of line with Him. i guess it shouldn't matter to me and i know i'm in an oversensitive mood but i feel as if He sold me out for the sake of convenience. Why should she be told that He had to handle something with me when there was nothing to handle? Saying that was the same as saying she was right about my alleged misconduct. i do enough wrong that it really sucks to have been fine in this instance and still be blamed. Master was totally within His rights to do that, just as He is within them to do anything else He wishes as well, but it sucks. It sucks that i made an effort to be polite to her when i was going to get blamed anyhow and it sucks even more that Master didn't defend Himself and me if He chose to humor her complaint at all. Master didn't punish me for any of the millions things i legitimately did do wrong today, though, and that was cool. i need to focus on that. i'm just so raw right now that the smallest thing hurts. i know that rationally even if i can't rid myself of the feelings yet.

FUBAR and Then Some

Spoke to my mother who, in addition to having legitimate reasons to be upset, is out of her fucking mind. She is furious with me and doesn't understand where i'm coming from in the slightest. She couldn't because i've never given her any insight but she is looking at things in such an absurdly twisted way that i know logic won't penetrate anyhow. So here's to you, Mom:

Dear Mom,

You are hurt and you feel betrayed and abandoned. i get that. i'm sorry that the path i needed to take did that to you. You say i was wrong to leave so i'm going to give you some background information and see if things might look just a bit different to you. You say you don't understand why i've kept secrets from you. Well i'm ready to answer that. It's because you will respond by stressing yourself to the point of physical illness, narrating the exact nature of your malady to me every step of the way so as to ensure that i feel like total shit for causing it. You will use the information to create additional problems and do nothing to alleviate any existing ones with it in the way of offering unconditional support or love. Why would i possibly want to tell you anything stressful. Keeping secrets has spared us both.

When i was twelve and told you i was suicidal, finally getting up the nerve to reveal to you the depth of my pain, you had the sage motherly advice of "stop being an idiot". Wow, i didn't come back for more over the years after your imparting those pearls of wisdom? Imagine that. i remember it so vividly. i was so screwed up after Daddy died, more socially insecure than ever, and without the slightest help as far as how to cope other than hiding it. First it came out physically and i wound up with all sorts of stomach and bowel ailments. Then it went to an emotional level and it turned inward. There was what was for me at the time a huge upset in the restructuring of who was going to sit at which table in the school cafeteria at lunchtime. i was sure that i'd be without the few friends i felt i had and was genuinely considering harming myself. How did you help me through that one again, Mom? Oh yes! "Don't be an idiot". We were in the car when you said it, the gold Pontiac Grand Le Mans and driving past Goldman Bros. which made me think of Daddy since he'd worked there for a little while. Do you even remember this? Or was learning that your daughter is suicidal and calling her an idiot so uneventful to you that it slipped your mind?

i spent the time from when i was ten hurting myself in different ways and struggling to cope with absolutely no help whatsoever. There were teachers who saw and knew, especially those who read the poems i wrote which spoke directly to killing myself. Did they ever contact you? Did anyone anywhere ever think to rescue me from myself? i burned myself and cut myself in minor ways and grew up in more pain than i would wish on anyone, pain i still have today because i've never learned how to channel it effectively or appropriately. At eight, i rode the school bus home every day absolutely petrified that the house would be empty when i got there and i'd have no way of every finding you again. i was in such a panic by the time i arrived home. i can still feel it just in recollection.

And remember Daddy's father? At the Rusk Institute when we were there visiting Daddy in the hospital one weekend, he took me aside and told me he loved me. Wow! i was floored for a second since no one ever said that to me, including you, until he finished his sentence. "Lissa, i love you very much... but i'd love you more if you were thin." This is what he said to an eight year old coping with her father's stroke. What he said is not your fault although it's my sense that you knew what an idiot he was and should have known better than top leave me alone with him even for those few minutes. But for me to have grown up feeling so unsafe with you that i couldn't even take that sort of hurt to you is unconscionable. i have never felt safe my entire life and i don't today. i've never been safe.

i learned to act as if no one could make me hurt and then go off on my own and punish myself for the wrongs i surely must of done or simply to focus the emotional pain and drown in out with much more tolerable physical pain. i taught myself to go somewhere in my head when i needed too escape and i got good at it. i still do that to this day though less now than i did at some points in my life. When they describe how multiple personality disorder begins, i've always felt as if they were describing my travels within my head. One psychologist described them as almost psychotic at the time i was seeing him. But what's a little psychosis as long as i don't bother anyone with the burden of my feeling like shit and needing for someone... anyone... maybe even... i don't know... my MOTHER to tell me i wasn't?

You know what? i really thought i'd forgiven you for all of this and i think i truly had until now, until you kicked up so many of those old feelings. Your parents raised you in less than ideal ways and you did the best you could. You tried to improve on what they did and didn't hurt me physically as they had hurt you. You were not much older than i am now and were coping with Daddy's stroke and eventual death and all that went along with them as a parent who had relied exclusively upon him to handle income and finances. i grew up enough eventually to see you as a person and understand that you acted without malice and did your best. i was in my late twenties by the time i understood that and we got close. We had been close since then and i let go of all the anger i had toward you regarding how you raised me.

Fast forward about fifteen years and my life was spinning totally out of control. The self-injuries i'd caused myself as a kid have given way to hacking out self-deprecating sayings into my flesh with razor blades. You should see the scars on my stomach... nothing but layer after layer after layer of assertions as to how much i suck. They are hard to read at this point with so much overlapping scare tissue but you can still pick out some of the words if you peruse it carefully. And let's not forget the most recent "ALL BAD ALWAYS" which is still fresh enough to see easily. Of course i could have told you about this or even showed you the cuts but somehow being called a moron again or advised to stop being an idiot didn't hold much appeal. No, you didn't speak to me like that any time recently because i'd reached a point at which i'd refused to tolerate it and remain in your life. When i was getting thin and at least somewhat healthy, i'd also learned to set forth a standard of how i would allow others to treat me. It didn't erase the damage done to that lonely hurting little girl though. Nothing ever will.

So i come to find myself, with the very best of intentions, married to the nicest man in the world and thinking myself healthy enough to be his wife and a mother to two boys with a past which makes it look as if i was raised by Ward and June Cleaver. i tried my damnedest to make it work. i tried through the Shane's psychotic break and his burning me with the bared light bulb and coming at me with knives and threatening to kill my in my sleep and punching me and bruising me and terrorizing me in any number of ways. i tried through all of Ethan's psychiatric issues too. i tried while professionals blamed me for not being for them what i was incapable of being and providing the type of environment i'd never lived in and didn't have the first clue how to create. i tried while i doubled my weight and cut myself and planned my own death.

But there's even more to it than that. my thinking got so crazy at times that it wasn't just myself i thought about killing. i was convinced that i couldn't leave you so i considered killing you and then myself. i was convinced that i couldn't leave the dogs so i considered doing the same with them. And sometimes when things were just so bleak the ides of killing Shane or both boys actually made sense to me. i have told most people to whom i've wanted to explain that i left because i was afraid i'd kill myself. The truth is, i was more afraid of killing someone else and becoming a news headline and a self-fulfilling prophecy of evolving into the evil being that i've always seen myself as.

i've been hospitalized on a locked psychiatric unit. You didn't know that either, did you? And yet i'm sane enough to know that getting out of a living situation that's making me suicidal and homicidal is a good idea. my psychiatrist agreed it was a good idea and he has known me for well over a decade already. i trust him and that's saying a lot since i tend not to trust anyone, another result of growing up in the emotional climate i did.

Now you profess to know, Mom, that i was wrong to leave. Does any of that information maybe shed just a bit more light in things for you? Do you think that just maybe you might be wrong here? And of course you also know better than i do where i should be living if it's not with Jason and the boys. i think you mentioned New Jersey. Yes, going to a closer state where i know absolutely no one would have been infinitely better than being a few hours further and with someone whom i know and trust. Good call there, Mom! i wasn't capable of being entirely independent and i'm still not. It's not a goal of mine either. i do know that if i'd stayed too close, like on Long Island as you stated, i'd have given in to a bout of loneliness or guilt and put myself back in the lethal situation from which i've finally extricated myself. It wasn't an option. i needed to get away and stay away and that meant putting some distance between myself and New York.

For the record, i don't see things any differently now, two months later. i did what i had to do and i don't regret my actions in the slightest despite my hating that they have visited hardship upon others. i have to believe it is lesser hardship than if i had remained with the mentality i just described to you. What would my suicide have done to you? To the boys and Jason? What about my snapping entirely and committing a murder? i only survived as long as i did because i'd known since the fall that i was leaving. Even with that knowledge, i barely made it. i was in that much emotional pain.

So you have the nerve to take this out on the same boys you berate me for leaving? You belittle me for what you call abandoning them and then refuse their calls yourself. They were upset that they couldn't get in touch with you yesterday and your conduct was shameful. Take your problems with me out on me, not on them! How dare you? And your justification would have been laughable if it hadn't related to their upset. i left New York just days before you got out of the rehab and returned home. You have the fucking nerve to play victim for them or Jason not having called you when you got home? Do you think that maybe my leaving and all the ensuing emotional and financial turmoil might have trumped a social call to you? My God, how selfishly can you view things?

As i said on the phone, i will wait until you are ready to stop prioritizing your happiness ahead of my health. And that's not selfish either. The state of my mental health was at a point where it was in danger of compromising the safety of others. This is in your hands now. You've still got a daughter. You've never been without one. i'm on the cusp of turning forty so i guess we've had a good run. If i no longer have a mother then that is the result of your decision, not mine. Hey, a mother turning her back on her child! Now where have i heard that before?

Love,
Lissa

Whirlwind of Emotions

i reconnected with so many people over the last twenty-four hours in a bunch of different ways, all without ever getting in touch with my mother. My head is spinning with confusion as to where i belong or, maybe more accurately, where i don't.

i don't know exactly what i want or need but i know i don't quite have it right now. i'm in a weird state of pushing everyone away and then pining over being desperately lonely. i got a long e-mail from Jason this morning, the first since i left, and it did a number on my head. By the time Master woke up, i refused to do anything He said even under threat of the whip. i was at that really low mindset of truly not caring what He did. i wouldn't have felt the whip in that state so i didn't fear it. It feels as if there is nothing beyond that state so i don't fear what may result either. i wouldn't obey Him and then just fell asleep without chaining, the first time i have ever slept in my sleeping spot without chaining. i woke up sucking my thumb which i haven't done in many years. i actually didn't do it as a kid, i don't think, but taught myself to suck my thumb to self-sooth a couple of decades ago. Speaking of decades, that looming 40th is screwing with my head too... big time.

Anyhow, my time is limited now but i want to get something in black and white before i go. The void rau left is getting to me. Jason loved me entirely, 100%. It was not enough without all the other components of my life to make it work. Master loves me in some ways, or says He does and thinks He does, but that still leaves gaps and i'm finding they need filling. rau filled those gaps but is gone now i feel amazingly alone... unwanted, rejected, abandoned by Master and by him and just by life in general. i'm struggling with integrating all of these feelings into what is proving to be a confusing life. i am not sure how to cope with them. i know i need to do better and that this self-pity bullshit isn't an answer. i guess these are issues that have been popping up intermittently since the inception of the private blog without ever having been addressed or dealt with. Unfortunately, i have no better idea what to do about them now than i did then.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

Okay, so it's Mother's Day. i anticipated it being horrible and it hasn't been as bad as all that, not yet anyhow. i miss my kids and wish i was with them. i'm not sure where but i'd love to hug them and talk with them in person. i wish they could visit here one at a time, just for a day or two. i miss my mother too but, more than missing her, i find her being unhappy with me incredibly upsetting still and that is heightened today. she's the one person in this world who's perceptions of me matter to me always. she can be totally wrong and i can know that logically but the feeling of her displeasure still sucks regardless. i can project an attitude of not giving a crap to her and still do, just as i learned to do when i was a kid, but i still care... a lot. Too much?

i haven't spoken to her since the last call when she told me how i'd turned my back on her and everyone. i've tried calling her three times so far today and it's screwing with my head. Is she refusing to take my calls? Is she safe and well? She is a TOTAL hermit and the possibility of her leaving her home for anything short of a crisis is pretty much unfathomable. So what gives? And how do i proceed? Do i keep calling? She won't call me back so either i reach her directly or not at all. i know that much about her. my brother hasn't called about any emergency but who knows? i never take his calls anyhow. He could e-mail me though and hasn't done that which is a good sign.

Thinking back to other Mother's Days or celebratory days with my own kids, they are always better in anticipation than in practice. They usually consist of me being stressed out of my mind about not being able to handle what everyone wants from me. They have an image of what i SHOULD want and how the day SHOULD go and that usually means going to a crowded restaurant that either i like and the kids don't which leaves them miserable or that i hate and the kids like which leaves me resentful that i'm dealing with people and crappy food under the auspices of celebrating "my" day. Often it gets to the point of my not even making it to the restaurant because my stress and/or the boys' surliness starts freaking me out and i worry they will get violent and start speculating about where that will lead this time. So Jason and the boys go out and leave me home alone which, by that point, is preferable anyhow.

What i miss and want is not what has ever been a reality. i know that. It would just be nice if i could spend real time with them that was calm and safe. It may be easier when it is not an alleged holiday and some of the pressure is off for things to go as they are "supposed" to. Shane's birthday is next month and Ethan's in July. Maybe they could each fly up here for a couple of days in their birthday month. But the idea of that terrifies me despite its appeal. So many "what if"s. i need to play around with the idea and see if it's okay with Master and feasible and even something the boys want though i suspect they will.

In any case, i think at this point that i'll survive Mother's Day after all though that could change at any moment.