Whirlwind of Emotions

i reconnected with so many people over the last twenty-four hours in a bunch of different ways, all without ever getting in touch with my mother. My head is spinning with confusion as to where i belong or, maybe more accurately, where i don't.

i don't know exactly what i want or need but i know i don't quite have it right now. i'm in a weird state of pushing everyone away and then pining over being desperately lonely. i got a long e-mail from Jason this morning, the first since i left, and it did a number on my head. By the time Master woke up, i refused to do anything He said even under threat of the whip. i was at that really low mindset of truly not caring what He did. i wouldn't have felt the whip in that state so i didn't fear it. It feels as if there is nothing beyond that state so i don't fear what may result either. i wouldn't obey Him and then just fell asleep without chaining, the first time i have ever slept in my sleeping spot without chaining. i woke up sucking my thumb which i haven't done in many years. i actually didn't do it as a kid, i don't think, but taught myself to suck my thumb to self-sooth a couple of decades ago. Speaking of decades, that looming 40th is screwing with my head too... big time.

Anyhow, my time is limited now but i want to get something in black and white before i go. The void rau left is getting to me. Jason loved me entirely, 100%. It was not enough without all the other components of my life to make it work. Master loves me in some ways, or says He does and thinks He does, but that still leaves gaps and i'm finding they need filling. rau filled those gaps but is gone now i feel amazingly alone... unwanted, rejected, abandoned by Master and by him and just by life in general. i'm struggling with integrating all of these feelings into what is proving to be a confusing life. i am not sure how to cope with them. i know i need to do better and that this self-pity bullshit isn't an answer. i guess these are issues that have been popping up intermittently since the inception of the private blog without ever having been addressed or dealt with. Unfortunately, i have no better idea what to do about them now than i did then.