Stay the Fuck Away!

It is amazing how one problem that seemed insurmountable can apparently be solved (maybe) only to be immediately replaced by another which feels as overwhelming for entirely different reasons. A couple of SLers are supposed to visit here on the weekend. i do NOT want to meet them. When it seemed like more of a maybe, i forced myself to put it out of my mind... BARELY. But now it sounds as if it's a likelihood and i do NOT want to meet them.

It has nothing to do with them. i have nothing against either of them. It's me. i feel way too disgusting to meet anyone. They are young and normal looking and i am old and fat and totally gross. i don't want to be seen by them or anyone. It's bad enough that i need to deal with ANYONE irl but i definitely don't want to deal with SLers. i like nou the avi. i like how she looks. When i'm on SL, i want to be able to feel as if i have some basic affinity to her. i'm not deluded into thinking i'm actually her or that she's real. It's just a place where i don't have to feel like a freak, as per my avi, at least not for how i look. i do NOT welcome replacing the image of the avi with the image of the repulsive reality in anyone's mind. Once i do, i will no longer FEEL like nou the avi in their eyes and that SUCKS. i'll feel as if everyone "knows" and everything will be ruined. It's too much to give up for a couple of hours.

And now that Master is probably going to read this and know what i'm thinking, He's likely to try to "help" which will inadvertently make me feel like even more of a loser. i can so easily envision Him paying some bullshit compliment to my fucking, grotesque, SERIOUSLY-NEEDS-TO-BE-CUT hair, mistakenly thinking it will do something other than make me even more self-conscious and feel more like a freak being thrown a piteous remark as an indulgent if off-base kindness. Or maybe He'll stick with non-physical compliments so as not to alert my bullshit radar too quickly. "Yeah, that nou! she can really make a bologna sandwich!". i'd rather get beaten than deal with that. If i thought bringing about a beating would result in getting me out of going, i'd do it in a heartbeat! i want no part of them. i don't want to meet them or spend time with them and i DEFINITELY don't want to sit through a damn meal with them! Let them all go out and have a great time. i want to stay home under a rock with the dogs.

It's more than enough that i feel hideous in the whole world's eyes and in Master's, which means in my own home. Feeling it on SL too is going to make that BARELY appealing outlet not even the ace-up-my-sleeve it can sometimes be for me. i hope they have a great trip and get home safely... while staying the fuck away from me. If Master finds the idea of hanging out with them pleasing then let HIM do so while i stay home.