i NEED a Reset Button on my Head

Because if my thoughts haven't changed by the time Master wakes up, He's going to kill me.

i’m stressed about absolutely everything. i remember sitting in my shrink’s office on one of my first visits before i’d ever been medicated for psychiatric stuff and telling him that i just needed to stop thinking, that i couldn’t get my brain to stop tormenting me and i just needed to be able to make it stop. That’s how i feel right now. i am thinking and overthinking and rethinking.

i have more self-awareness than i did when that conversation first took place, more insight and maturity and, when i’m not deeply depressed, more willingness to take responsibility for my mental health rather than just viewing myself as a victim of it. A lot of it is within my control and it is a choice. i get that today, though i also know that making the choice to think and act sanely takes an ENORMOUS amount of energy sometimes at the expense of other things.

Focus may be one of them since i stopped to take a photo of the dogs in the middle of that last sentence, wound up checking my e-mail, turned on a light, looked back at what i’m writing and had no idea that i’d stopped in the first place.

i’m really upset that my asthma kicked in a few days ago. i was intellectually prepared to deal with that but thought i’d cut a break when it had been almost ten weeks before it happened. Now, i’m recalling the way it FEELS to never feel completely okay physically and it’s not even that bad yet. It is VERY draining to always feel as if your breathing is uneasy or your chest tight from congestion. When breathing is a conscious act, it is one more major distraction.

So i signed onto SL because it had actually been a little bit pleasant there last night and, moronic me, i was hoping it might be safe to pop on there again, even in Master’s absence, to just hang out for a bit. WRONG! pink was there and i tried to deal with her casually but she took it to a serious level and i freaked out and ran. i’m still in freak mode.

she did nothing wrong. she was trying to be nice, to be empathetic, to relate to me... not the easiest feat in the world and one MANY won’t even attempt. she offered me some shirt she made and shared about herself in response to having read my blog. i have nothing against her. she’s nice enough and well-intentioned. i don’t find her any more annoying than i do most human beings which is pretty good for me with SLers since i find them grating as hell more often than not.

But she cuts. i have NEVER been able to be around other cutters or hear about them or read about them or ANY of it. It’s a HUGE trigger to my wanting to cut, feeling compelled to cut. i know this isn’t unusual because all the cutting websites i used to hang out on have disclaimers which warn of the potential trigger. Cutting isn’t just self-punishment and an outlet for self-hatred. There is a rush to it at times, some twisted thrill that comes from no other source. When i know someone else cuts, i get jealous and want to cut myself more than i want to breathe.

From the second Master told me she cuts, i just see her or hear her name and it’s what i think of most. i thought that had eased up a bit, and i guess it had, but obviously not all that much. None of this is pink’s fault. None of it is anything she can help or a biproduct of anything she should be doing differently. i just can’t connect with cutters. Not cutting takes a lot of effort with me and i can’t put myself around anyone who magnifies that needed effort a millionfold. It’s not personal. By the same token, i’m not just going to keep avoiding her without explanation.

i’d be cutting right now but Master’s latest promised punishment for my next transgression is being chained and the prospect of that is just slightly more daunting than the idea of cutting is appealing. For now anyway. Just as i found myself snapping a photo of the dogs earlier, i could as easily find myself cutting before i even think about what i’m doing. Or, more likely, i can find myself about to cut and then follow through because it is too close and feels as if it is too late to stop. i stopped from that point the other day, nothing short of a miracle, but i’m not banking on my ability to do it again.

When i signed off SL after the interaction with pink, i immediately looked for the cutting websites i used to have bookmarked under another screen name i used to use. i must have deleted them which is really frustrating me but it’s probably also the only reason i haven’t cut yet today so i’m forcing myself not to search Google for them for now. i did find an old favorite website of mine which gives the amounts of medications needed to overdose and i bookmarked that under this new screen name. i don’t WANT to overdose. There’s just something safe and familiar feeling about having that website close. Like knowing it’s there if i need it. Just the knowing makes me not need it. i feel the same way about my stash of razors, though it's hardly a stash since Master knows about them.

To backtrack, the idea of being chained is incredibly unpleasant to me and came about because i was being obscenely obnoxious and defiant at one point the other night, so much so that even the brandished, metal-inset, heavy belt snapping in my face didn’t jolt me out of it. i turned my attitude around in time only because Master chose to tolerate a LOT of bullshit behavior from me without punishment. i don’t think He was actually mad as much as unwilling to deal with His kajira being willingly and ongoingly disobedient right to His face. Imagine that.

i left the room for a minute on an errand for Him that i actually managed to agree to do and it snapped me out of it entirely. i finally managed to proces that He was about to beat me and chain me and that i STRONGLY wanted to avoid both. i also realized that i’d been mistreating Master this way with thunderbolt as a witness which was a particularly crappy thing to do to Him. i begged forgiveness and meant it and woke up yesterday still very upset with myself for having pushed things so far. i was still reeling form the idea of the trouble i could have brought upon myself and grateful that Master had chosen to be lenient. i shaved my pussy, a surefire make-nou-feel-like-the-slave-she-is action, and also did a lot of cleaning so the house looked inifnitely better when He woke up. He was pleased and that felt good. i’d wanted to put away the belt when i was cleaning but left it out and asked His permission to do so. He allowed me to put it away immediately which was awesome if somewhat unexpected.

It’s funny because v always teases about liking being spanked with the belt or in general and i’d always been the same way. i liked the concept and the interaction and a decent amount of the pain too. Most of my sexual fantasies were about scenarious in which the real me got off imagining the fantasy me forced and beaten and resisting and not liking it. It’s always on my mind when i masturbate in some format. In looking at the old bookmarked websites before, i realized how many had been related to spanking/physical punishment... stories, photos, experiential accounts, all sorts of things. i still find the idea very arousing in play and i think i’m just realizing that the difference now with Master is that it is NOT play. Having Him angry or even just needing to punish me when He’s not is about as far from playful as it could get.

i’d kind of wondered why spanking didn’t seem fun with Him beyond a swat on the ass or that sort of thing and the answer, which is obvious in retrospect, is that this is real. None of the scenes with Jason or before him were ever real even though some sort of had a real feel to them and definitely left real bruises. Still, when the belt got put down, or the lashes at least stopped, there was going to be sex and then it would be back to being vanilla again. Those scenes were fun and i think they still would be but NOT with Master. i wonder if there’s an avenue for them that is compatible with being Master’s. The best of both worlds.

Back to sources of stress before i close this absurdly long though somewhat cathartic blog. And i choose this last source to illustrate for myself that i really can and will and do take ANYTHING, even the most positive thing in the world, and turn it into a source of stress. Master and i watched part of a movie yesterday, something we hadn’t done together before, and it was kind of cool despite tons of distractions. He said that it would be nice to get some DVDs and watch movies offline and cuddle on the futon when we’re able financially.

This idea seemed awesome. It IS awesome. i literally was in tears about it twice yesterday, though not in front of Him. It isn’t so much the details as what they represent. Crap, i’m going to cry again now. i hate when i’m in an easily teary mood which is OFTEN. Anyhow, it sort of illustrated that He finds my presence something beyond barely tolerable which, me being me, i DO need illustrated. So, life should have been great, right? But this IS me, after all.

The what-ifs started. What if it never happens? What if i get restless and can’t hold still and it feels claustrophobic while we’re cuddling? What if it’s too hot at that moment and i’m sweaty and sticky and gross? Need i say more? It just went on from there which i suppose brings me full circle to the beginning of this post recalling myself sitting in my shrink's office insisting that i need to STOP thinking all the time.

Master made me actually talk to Him directly the other day instead of just blogging and then fielding His response to the entry, if any. It was excruciatingly hard to say what i wanted to say out loud and face to face but i think it actually helped, both the interactive communication and successfully forcing myself to do something uncomfortable. Hmmm, so much for ending this entry at a logical point. i guess those last sentences just popped out like the camera did to photograph the dogs earlier.

In any case, this blog entry is complete and i am somewhat distracted from wanting to cut... of course saying that just reminded me about wanting to cut... of course... GRRRRR!!! i need to stop thinking!