E-Mail with Jason

i'm obsessing on reading and rereading my correspondence with Jason so i may as well post it here where i can access it as easily as the letter to my mother which i'll tweak, print, and mail to her on Friday.

ME: Hello. Thank you for answering. I nearly deleted the e-mail because I didn't recognize the screen name. If you have ever sent any other e-mail from it, I never got it. I generally don't open anything from a name I don't recognize. Fortunately, I realized this one was different.

JASON: I will forward your mail to you this week.

ME: Thank you.

JASON: I have not deliberately kept it from you.

ME: I wouldn't have thought you would but it seemed kind of weird to me when I got the package of books out of the blue. I just didn't know what to make of that. I've never known you to be spiteful but I would have understood if you'd decided to be now.

JASON: My life since you have left has been overwhelmed by emotional and financial hardship.

ME: I can't even imagine! I truly can't. I never intended to leave when I did and fully expected to be there until June 27th as I had told you in the prior months. I had a situation at work which wound up being a catalyst for my leaving suddenly. Part of me couldn't face you with the news and that was coawrdly. I was also worried that you (or your father and you) would try to find a way to have me labeled incompetent and forced to stay if I said anything. Dr. Stein knew about June 27th and was very supportive but I wasn't sure what he would say at the sudden change in dates.

JASON: Despite all his gains in the months prior to March, Shane has been hospitilized twice since you left. He has had great difficulty coping with feeling responsible for your leaving, and of course your absence has stirred up traumatic memories of losing his first mother. He is home now, but the people who are working with him feel that he may require long term hospitalization and perhaps placement after that with a teaching family to work through issues of abandonment.

ME: I KNOW that my leaving has to have done a number on all three of you and I'm not trying to minimize that. Nevertheless, I already saw Shane's future largely in those terms before I ever left. I love him. I truly do. His issues were never going to be remediated by the stable home I was never able to help provide for him anyhow. Having a suicidal self-injuring mother with a hostile attitude locked alone in a room 24/7 torn between death and running as her means of escape wasn't an asset to him either. It wasn't a lack of medication or counseling on my part either, despite what many people seem to believe. Dr. Stein said it best. I couldn't medicate for an unlivable situation or counsel my way through what was the overwhelming source of so many of my problems. Despite feeling absolutely horrible for having to do as I did, I do know it wasn't a choice. I'm sure you'd agree that Shane wouldn't be any better off if he'd returned home one day to find my body in the tub in a pool of blood with the wrists slit. The ONLY way for me to be any sort of positive and healthy influence in his life was to get healthy and the ONLY way to that was to leave.

JASON: Ethan has not required hospitilization, but suicidal ideations he has expressed through poetry has the staff at Freeport High School observing him closely.

ME: I am glad they are aware of it and taking his suicidality seriously. Leaving him hurt a lot because I know that he and I connected in a way that he didn't with you. That's NOT the slightest criticism of you. You're a great father. I've always said that, if not always directly to you. I just "got" him in a different sort of way.

JASON: I am not saying these things to make you feel guilty; I am simply expressing the facts that my family and I are coping with as best we can. I'm sure you'll understand that getting your mail off to you was not the highest priority among the crises. My work responsibilities and my doctoral work have likewise been placed on the back burner.

ME: As hard as this might be for you to believe, my guilt is actually not huge because i know... KNOW... that I would be dead right now, at my own hand, if I had remained. I do feel guilty and, more so, horribly inadequate for not being able to be what you and the boys needed. I had expressed that to you many times and in many ways over the years. But I wasn't able to and no amount of counseling or medication was going to make me able to. Of course my mail wasn't your priority. I just have been without needed documents from BOCES, assuming they were sent, and didn't have another way to access anything. The very last thing I am looking to do is add to your burdens. That is why I never did the change of address form that would have landed mail in my name which you needed in Virginia.

JASON: Despite personal heartbreak and anger, I do honestly believe that you love us and care about us and felt that leaving was necessary for your survival and in the kids best interest.

ME: It is beyond my greatest hope if you truly can realize that because it is the God's honest truth. I tried for months to express that to you and, in ways, for years. You are such a wonderful and talented person and I tried so hard and wish so much that I was capable of staying your wife. I am crying as I write this. I still wish it now. I love you so much. You did everything you possibly could have to help me and so much more than most men would have done. That you were an incidental victim to my own needs really sucks. I want for you the happiness that I could never give you. I want you to have the very best because you deserve it. I hope that in time you find it. And I DO miss you terribly. I would kill, just for a moment, to be able to feel safe in your strong arms and loved in a way that no one in my life has ever loved me before or is likely ever to again. But I missed you when I was still living there. I miss memories, not realities. I miss what might have been but couldn't be.

JASON: I met with a lawyer and I am told that I am entitled to child support from you. Though the lawyer was somewhat incredulous when I explained this: I believe you want to and will help the kids financially in any way you can without being court ordered to.

ME: Everyone here is amazed when I tell them you won't do anything malicious to screw me over either. I guess I'd started to wonder a bit due to the entire lack of contact from you (unless you sent other e-mails under this screen name and I deleted them unknowingly). My finincial situation is as bleak as yours. I have no insurance and therefore no medication left or healthcare and have been dealing with an injury and other untreated things. I have a landlord owed back rent who is getting increasingly upset with me. I have earned a total of $100 since I left and I had only enough gas money to get here leaving me with nothing extra in my pocket. I literally shop for all my food at Dollar Tree and scrimp to choose items which can be made to extend furthest. Believe me, I am NOT looking for sympathy. I know damn well that I invited this upon myself. I just wanted you to realize that I'm not living in luxury and holding out on you and the boys. If I am able to provide you with ANY financial support, I absolutely will. I simply can't even take care of myself right now at the most basic of levels. Along those lines, I have almost no clothing here and only one pair of shoes which are getting worn. If you have any ability to send me anything I can wear, that would be awesome. I know you probably have neither the time nor the money but I figured I'd mention it. I am going on interviews but I have to look okay on them and can't. It's a catch 22. Also, salaries here are nowhere near what they are in New York so even if I do find a job my income will be very limited.

JASON: As for the house, I am in forclosure and unable to make payments but I am exploring every possible avenue to stay in it. I don't want the kids to face the added trauma of losing their home if I can help it, but essentially we are in dire financial straits and may be forced into renting an apartment--though I lack the funds for a security deposit and my father is upset that he is unable to assist.

ME: I don't have any means of helping with any of this unfortunately. Your father and entire family are no doubt incredibly upset and furious. Their help and support was why I was able to survive there as long as I did. I do realize the domino effect my leaving has surely had upon them and I wish it were otherwise.

JASON: Though I am making every effort to keep the house, the chances are slim. I will need to have you off the deed and mortgage so I can re-negotiate terms. The attorney will advise on how this must be done. I will send you all the info.

ME: Please do. I will do whatever I can to facilitate things.

JASON: I am also going to need you to sign court papers giving me full custody of the children, or I have been told I could run into trouble making medical decisions for them or the like down the road.

ME: That makes sense and it's not something I'd thought of before. Again, I'll do whatever helps you and the boys most. I know this won't hold up as a legal document but I'll state now in this e-mail that I consent to your making full medical decisons for the boys.

JASON: Though you had told me I could have full custody, I sincerely hope you still choose to remain in contact with them and be part of their lives.

ME: Absolutely, 100%! They are my sons and always will be.

JASON: But please be careful what you say to Ethan. He was very upset when you told him you were sitting for a little diabetic girl. I was at a loss what to say when he asked me how come you were able to take care of her but not able to live with us.

ME: I am EXTREMELY careful in everything I say to either of them. I had thanked him for teaching me about diabetes because it let me help someone. I expressed appreciation for what he has shown me. I see now that it backfired but my intention was to build him up a bit. Also, she's on the pump and I was hoping it might help him gain comfort with the idea for himself. It's hardly as if I'm her mother. I spend about ninety minutes with her after school until her mother gets home from work on days it works out that she needs me. I can see how Ethan would put a different spin on that though. I'll definitely keep in mind what you said. I tell the boys in every communication that you need their cooperation and to focus on their goals and all the positive things that I hope they'll hear. I make sure to preface everything with disclaimers as to how I'm not in a position to promise them anything like visits despite how much I miss them. I'll continue to do all I can to be a positive source of guidance for them. It is truly a gift now that, instead of resenting them, I cherish the chance to speak with them. Instead of anger, I feel love toward them. It's a twisted irony but I feel like their mom for the first time in years.

JASON: The kids have been distressed at their inability to contact Sally. Lori has spoken with her and encouraged her to call the children but she has made no effort to contact them. If you could help in this area, I would greatly appreciate it.

ME: My mother said that I turned my back on her and everyone and she can't see it from any other point of view. That's not her fault since I have never told her the details which could help her understand what I'm coping with. I don't know if sparing her that stress back then eventually backfired and made it worse now. The last time I spoke with her was a couple of weeks ago and it was NOT a pleasant conversation in terms of the sentiments she expressed. I left about half a dozen messages for her yesterday and got no response to any. I wish I had any influence with getting her to call the boys and will try to do so if I think I can help but, realistically, I doubt it will do any good. I don't even know if she is okay right now and am worried about her.

JASON: --Jason

ME: It was great to hear from you despite the circumstances. I know your last priority is yourself but, along the lines of the airplane oxygen when you are supposed to attend toyour needs first so you can better help your kids, I hope you find a way to take care of yourself as well.

With love,
Lissa