i've gone this particular route many times with Jason (whom i incidentally miss FAR more than i'd anticipated and have been crying for daily) so it is somewhat familiar ground, for what that's worth. Master read my blog. He's been very on top of reading my blog entries consistently and immediately lately. Thank you, my Master.
Anyhow, He initially started to reassure me and i started to cringe. Then He must have gotten to the part that spoke of my dreading His reassurances. He said that i do not have to go and that He will meet them somewhere. He asked if i felt better. Um, this is ME! Of course i didn't.
i don't feel better because it's an upsetting situation for me and it will suck no matter how it's handled. When things came up with Jason they went one of two ways.
EITHER... i was obligated to go for some reason and the anticipation was SO stressful for me that i totally fell apart as the event approached, cutting myself and otherwise behaving like a basket case. By the time the event was there, i had either fallen apart completely and was unable to go due to being in an entirely non-functional clinically depressed state or i actually made it to the event and had a wonderful time with Jason amazed that i did so. Once i was actually immersed in the situation, it pretty consistently went well.
OR... i was not obligated to go and the anticipation was uneventful but, by the time the event was there and Jason at it without me, i totally fell apart and cut myself and fell into an entirely non-functional depressed state. i was always left feeling as if i had failed Jason by not being able to go or even wanting to.
It was almost a chicken/egg thing. Was i going to fall apart before the event and then handle it well? Or was i going to handle the time leading to the event well and then fall apart while absent from it? Whichever came first, the result was me having a period of respite and one of agonized self-abusive loathing.
i also feel bad that Master will go without me because that is probably not what He wants. Then again, maybe He'd prefer to go without me in which case i feel bad about that. Again, it's a no-win situation. Heads, i lose. Tails, i lose. Either i fail Him or He doesn't want me there anyhow. Welcome to my head!
The underlying problem and bigger issue is my inability to allow anyone, even Master, to reassure me of ANYTHING even when a part of me desperately wants to be reassured. i fight it tooth and nail even while realizing at some level that it's what i want. But there IS no assuaging my anxiety unless i were to just pretend to feel better. i don't know how to make my brain stop resisting and then i am totally demoralized because the same pattern cycled through yet again. And let's not forget the frequency with which i resent others for not adequately reassuring me! Because that's reasonable! No one can extricate me from this self-created no-win pattern since i don't know how to let them.
Where do i go from here?
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