Yesterday and today have been very trying and everything is hitting me at once. i feel like everything i care about is either gone or as phantom as the trees on SL. i feel for the first time in a long time as if the safety of the crappy known holds more appeal than the uncertainty and seeming transience of the unknown. i am depressed and anxious and scared.
i am trying to exchange texts with e while writing this while watching American Idol and i can't do anything!
What to say? i guess i'll start with v. i think i have so much emotion invested in what happens to her that i vicariously feel her ups and downs. When she is on a positive path, i feel as if i am as well. When she is faltering or, worse, plummeting, i feel as if my world is in turmoil too. i think this is why i so seldom let myself care deeply for anyone. i'd rather feel nothing than get sit on an emotional seesaw waiting for the next change in direction. There's something to be said for sitting on the fulcrum and heckling.
The boys have been expressing upset by the fact that i stay sequestered in my office all the times. i don't have it in me to be there for them and, every time i try, i just wind up screaming at them. i'm living in limbo and doing a crappy job of everything i attempt. i'm not a wife or mother in any real sense of the word except for the fact that i live at the same address as j and the boys. i'm not there for my own mother either. but i'm five months away from being with Master and i don't feel as if i can cope with this pseudo-life in purgatory for that much longer either. i guess my attention to the calendar is also heightened right now since Neal's birthday is January twenty-ninth. Also ahead on the calendar is April 6th, my twelfth wedding anniversary. What the hell do i do with THAT?
i feel as if i am at work without really being there and didn't make it in at all today. By this time of year, every conversation and meeting and piece of paperwork involves planning for next year. It is so hard for me to be a part of making decisions that i know i won't be there to see come to fruition. i feel as if i am abandoning kids and even some adults. Usually the planning i do is tailored to how i will personally follow up on it the following year, not for some unknown person who will take over. i have worked there for a long time, longer than i've ever done anything or been with anyone. It is getting very hard to be there and will only get worse.
Also, i've always kept so entirely to myself but i've really formed friendships now and even let them grow. It's sort of a cruel irony. Master's influence has opened new doors for me in terms of blooming socially and i'm struggling because going to Him is going to, at the very least, distance me from them greatly. Before Him, there'd have been no one at work i especially cared about leaving. Again, i'm thinking my way of just hating everyone had its merits. Life on the fulcrum was at least predictable.
All that brings me to Master. i was rude to Him today. It wasn't extensive but i earned a punishment which He has yet to specify. If i get punished for this, i feel as if i am going to spend the next five months constantly getting punished. It was a big improvement for me. i shouldn't have done it but i stopped myself in my tracks and muscled through to force myself to immediately beg forgiveness and be respectful. It didn't escalate. i wasn't disobedient. i didn't get combative. i was out of line. There is no question. But it just seems like if it is THAT easy to misbehave then i'll NEVER be able to be successful with it. It was a split second impulse today.
i don't know. In this state of mind, i question everything that seems to make sense because what that is changes from one moment to the next. i feel as if i'm Jennifer Connolly in that later scene in Labyrinth where the backdrop became Escher-like and she knew she had to get to Toby but had no idea how to proceed and things just totally ceased to make sense until she had an epiphany. Well where's my epiphany?
i'm just confused and disillusioned and feeling inadequate and dreading punishment and wanting to give up on everything. i have no faith in myself at the moment and feel so distant from everyone else. i feel as if everyone left the planet while i was asleep and i awoke to find that i'm on my own planet. It's got an oxygenated atmosphere and it's no more hostile than anywhere else. i wish i could stay a while but i know it will cost me when i eventually return to an inhabited place. It always does. For now i guess all i can do is go through the motions.
It's been a while since i wished i was dead, that i didn't exist, that i'd never existed. That doesn't make it suck any less. i want out.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
REVISED TO COMPLETION: my Brain Exploded Last Night
Yesterday was a wonderful and very full day which started with my having gotten too little sleep and ended with my going from zero to sixty in getting upset. Master wanted me to explain what was bothering me and i couldn't at that point, not with any kind of respect anyhow. So He allowed me not to but He was displeased with it. He didn't do or say anything overt to indicate that. He just was. It's hard to explain. Maybe it was the tone of voice with which He typed "goodnight".
So, to backtrack through the day... Master had told me to be on my futon by 5 am to go to sleep. Norman, romping around the backyard and refusing to come in, nearly made me miss that deadline but i wound up there at exactly 4:59 am. Whew! Master had ordered that i be up by 11 am. Normally when i do not have to get up for work, i sleep with ear plugs in and indefinitely. Friday night i hadn't done so because i had to meet someone from whom i was getting stuff off of Craig's list by 10 am and Saturday night i didn't do so because i again had to be able to hear the alarm to make sure i was up when Master said.
my weekdays usually do not include enough sleep and the weekends are when i play catch-up with it. i'm usually up WELL into the morning, one or two at least, and then get up at a 6:20 alarm. Even with naps, the weekends are basically when i NEED to get as much sleep as i possibly can or it just catches up to me. Without earplugs and in fear of missing my alarm, i do not sleep as soundly or for as many consecutive minutes before waking up for the absurdly frequent bathroom breaks which always interrupt my sleep anyhow. Factor in the dogs waking me to go out sometimes and i am inevitably sleep-deprived and have to get it when i can.
So, i'd been up at about 10:20 Sunday morning and hung around until a bit after twelve at which point, after touching based with v, i went back to sleep. i probably slept for a little over an hour but i'd been worried about doing so without word or approval from Master so, although it helped, it wasn't the most restful of naps. i was back online by about 1:45 and, as it turned out, in for a LOT of RP.
my avi had head-butted the physician and broken her nose (the physician's nose) during what was supposed to have been a routine physical Saturday. she had to go back yesterday for her second shot and wound up strapped to a cross, fearing a punishment brand, and spitting at the physician. There was a lot of serving and other RP as well as well as shopping and down time. v's impending arrival at Master's irl has much nervous excitement in the air.
During a serve, my avi turned her ankle in her haste and wound up breaking it, as pronounced by the physician in training. she found herself carried to the infirmary and put through an agonizing exam which actually led her to gain a bit of trust in this particular physician. There was lots of teasing interplay between her and v's avi among others. After all, crutches are not only for walking on. They are also for poking bratty sisters!
Okay, i need sleep and NOW. i'll complete this blog later.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF BLOG TECHNOLOGY, IT IS NOW LATER.
Yesterday continued on with much of the same and wound up including numerous trips to the town where much of the Rp has been taking place. i was getting tired and ready to ask to kennel there was a huge influx of Free at the tavern we were in and i wound up being the only one there to serve. i was too tired, there were too many Free, they were asking for drinks i'd never prepared before, and i had to emote it all as done on a broken ankle. i got very flustered and upset.
Had i begged out of the serve, i probably could have avoided it but i didn't want to do that. Master loves to have me serve and i nearly always enjoy serving for Him. i didn't want to disappoint Him or give up the opportunity. As it turned out, another slave named elie entered and helped a great deal so i wound up not as bogged down as i had first expected to be.
Nevertheless, i was really spent afterward and my avi wound up running out of the tavern to vomit from the pain and then falling asleep kneeling beside Master's seat. i had just gotten really overwhelmed by the number of people there and been unable to follow all the dialogue during my serve so i felt as if i had even less of an idea of what was going on. Plus i was lagging badly so when i posted, there was a delay and i could never tell if it was making it to the screen.
i NCed the whole thing to read later but haven't yet. One of the reasons i want to read it is because i feel as if my serves are getting stale. One is too like the next. i want to read those of others for ideas as to how to spice them up a bit without having to break my ankle in the process. They are important to me and i enjoy them. i want to excel at them. There is so much i can't do on SL that makes me feel totally inadequate. i at least need to hone the skills that i do have.
Into the wee hours we continued on until finally we were back at Master's sim and relaxing peacefully. He and v were chatting privately, my avi was in His arms, i was taking pics, and i was simultaneously having the first recent IM chat with Pete during which i didn't feel defensive. i could have asked to kennel but the demands were light and, as tired as i was, i wasn't consciously aware of it any longer. i always love down time with only Master and v. It is safe and comfortable.
At some point, after a nice relaxing stretch of it, Master decided to switch avis and that we would all go back to the town yet AGAIN. i like the town, i truly do. It is the first gorean one i have ever liked on SL including Tampica. But i was WAY too tired to cope with anything more and, again, should have asked to kennel. There's an expression about calling a HALT, an acronym advising to get one's self out of situations if one feels excessively Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. i should have called a halt. i didn't.
i have seen Master in lots of different avis playing many different roles. Humans and vampires, different genders and gender-benders, Frees and slaves. It has gotten to the point that i thought i was comfortable with anything. i genuinely have been at ease with all of them for some time now and enjoy Master's company in some of those other roles nearly as much as i do when He is on as Master. But last night it was highlighted that the v and i "outrank" the slave Master currently is as one of His alts.
This was amusing for a moment or two as v and i harassed His slave avi, coni, and i might have managed it had we just stayed the three of us on Master's land. we wound up going to Victoria. That was where my head exploded. coni was totally obnoxious to v and me. What were we to do? In normal RP, if a chain sibling disrespects us and doesn't respond to our redirection, we take the situation to Master. This time, the slave in question WAS Master. So, coni twisted my broken ankle and i finally backhanded her, bloodying her lip a bit. It was more than i can take and sent me totally over the edge. i hid under the spiral stairs at the tavern and then TPed home when the region was about to reset.
i was angry and frustrated because i had no idea what was expected. i can RP with Master in a slave's avi. i have before with no problem. But when the slave's avi acts in ways that should cause her problems and won't, i have no idea what to do. The map showed others present but i didn't pan to see who from my roost beneath the stairs. If coni acts like that in front of those who don't know who is behind the avi then it reflects badly upon Master and that REALLY bothers me. i doubt she does but i wasn't certain elie knew the truth at first although it turns out she did. In any case, it was as if we had a bratty new sibling who with a carte blanche to do as she pleased. There was gray matter everywhere!
Back on the sim, Master started to tell me He was signing off to go to bed but He knew something was wrong. i was too upset to go into any detail without running the acute risk of posing to Him such probing questions as "What the fuck is your problem?" or "What the fuck do you want from me?". Being neither of these nor the others swarming my head seemed like a wise idea, i asked to delay the conversation about what was wrong. Master thankfully relented pretty quickly but, even though nothing was said or done, it felt very tense to me.
Without even realizing it, i must have bitten or picked at my cuticle until it bled and started wiping it in striations across the corner of a sheet of paper beside the keyboard. It was there when i awoke today and totally grossed me out. i wouldn't have even remembered doing it if i had tossed it in the trash last night. i hate that i do things like this. They make me feel even more disgusting and crazy.
So, to backtrack through the day... Master had told me to be on my futon by 5 am to go to sleep. Norman, romping around the backyard and refusing to come in, nearly made me miss that deadline but i wound up there at exactly 4:59 am. Whew! Master had ordered that i be up by 11 am. Normally when i do not have to get up for work, i sleep with ear plugs in and indefinitely. Friday night i hadn't done so because i had to meet someone from whom i was getting stuff off of Craig's list by 10 am and Saturday night i didn't do so because i again had to be able to hear the alarm to make sure i was up when Master said.
my weekdays usually do not include enough sleep and the weekends are when i play catch-up with it. i'm usually up WELL into the morning, one or two at least, and then get up at a 6:20 alarm. Even with naps, the weekends are basically when i NEED to get as much sleep as i possibly can or it just catches up to me. Without earplugs and in fear of missing my alarm, i do not sleep as soundly or for as many consecutive minutes before waking up for the absurdly frequent bathroom breaks which always interrupt my sleep anyhow. Factor in the dogs waking me to go out sometimes and i am inevitably sleep-deprived and have to get it when i can.
So, i'd been up at about 10:20 Sunday morning and hung around until a bit after twelve at which point, after touching based with v, i went back to sleep. i probably slept for a little over an hour but i'd been worried about doing so without word or approval from Master so, although it helped, it wasn't the most restful of naps. i was back online by about 1:45 and, as it turned out, in for a LOT of RP.
my avi had head-butted the physician and broken her nose (the physician's nose) during what was supposed to have been a routine physical Saturday. she had to go back yesterday for her second shot and wound up strapped to a cross, fearing a punishment brand, and spitting at the physician. There was a lot of serving and other RP as well as well as shopping and down time. v's impending arrival at Master's irl has much nervous excitement in the air.
During a serve, my avi turned her ankle in her haste and wound up breaking it, as pronounced by the physician in training. she found herself carried to the infirmary and put through an agonizing exam which actually led her to gain a bit of trust in this particular physician. There was lots of teasing interplay between her and v's avi among others. After all, crutches are not only for walking on. They are also for poking bratty sisters!
Okay, i need sleep and NOW. i'll complete this blog later.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF BLOG TECHNOLOGY, IT IS NOW LATER.
Yesterday continued on with much of the same and wound up including numerous trips to the town where much of the Rp has been taking place. i was getting tired and ready to ask to kennel there was a huge influx of Free at the tavern we were in and i wound up being the only one there to serve. i was too tired, there were too many Free, they were asking for drinks i'd never prepared before, and i had to emote it all as done on a broken ankle. i got very flustered and upset.
Had i begged out of the serve, i probably could have avoided it but i didn't want to do that. Master loves to have me serve and i nearly always enjoy serving for Him. i didn't want to disappoint Him or give up the opportunity. As it turned out, another slave named elie entered and helped a great deal so i wound up not as bogged down as i had first expected to be.
Nevertheless, i was really spent afterward and my avi wound up running out of the tavern to vomit from the pain and then falling asleep kneeling beside Master's seat. i had just gotten really overwhelmed by the number of people there and been unable to follow all the dialogue during my serve so i felt as if i had even less of an idea of what was going on. Plus i was lagging badly so when i posted, there was a delay and i could never tell if it was making it to the screen.
i NCed the whole thing to read later but haven't yet. One of the reasons i want to read it is because i feel as if my serves are getting stale. One is too like the next. i want to read those of others for ideas as to how to spice them up a bit without having to break my ankle in the process. They are important to me and i enjoy them. i want to excel at them. There is so much i can't do on SL that makes me feel totally inadequate. i at least need to hone the skills that i do have.
Into the wee hours we continued on until finally we were back at Master's sim and relaxing peacefully. He and v were chatting privately, my avi was in His arms, i was taking pics, and i was simultaneously having the first recent IM chat with Pete during which i didn't feel defensive. i could have asked to kennel but the demands were light and, as tired as i was, i wasn't consciously aware of it any longer. i always love down time with only Master and v. It is safe and comfortable.
At some point, after a nice relaxing stretch of it, Master decided to switch avis and that we would all go back to the town yet AGAIN. i like the town, i truly do. It is the first gorean one i have ever liked on SL including Tampica. But i was WAY too tired to cope with anything more and, again, should have asked to kennel. There's an expression about calling a HALT, an acronym advising to get one's self out of situations if one feels excessively Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. i should have called a halt. i didn't.
i have seen Master in lots of different avis playing many different roles. Humans and vampires, different genders and gender-benders, Frees and slaves. It has gotten to the point that i thought i was comfortable with anything. i genuinely have been at ease with all of them for some time now and enjoy Master's company in some of those other roles nearly as much as i do when He is on as Master. But last night it was highlighted that the v and i "outrank" the slave Master currently is as one of His alts.
This was amusing for a moment or two as v and i harassed His slave avi, coni, and i might have managed it had we just stayed the three of us on Master's land. we wound up going to Victoria. That was where my head exploded. coni was totally obnoxious to v and me. What were we to do? In normal RP, if a chain sibling disrespects us and doesn't respond to our redirection, we take the situation to Master. This time, the slave in question WAS Master. So, coni twisted my broken ankle and i finally backhanded her, bloodying her lip a bit. It was more than i can take and sent me totally over the edge. i hid under the spiral stairs at the tavern and then TPed home when the region was about to reset.
i was angry and frustrated because i had no idea what was expected. i can RP with Master in a slave's avi. i have before with no problem. But when the slave's avi acts in ways that should cause her problems and won't, i have no idea what to do. The map showed others present but i didn't pan to see who from my roost beneath the stairs. If coni acts like that in front of those who don't know who is behind the avi then it reflects badly upon Master and that REALLY bothers me. i doubt she does but i wasn't certain elie knew the truth at first although it turns out she did. In any case, it was as if we had a bratty new sibling who with a carte blanche to do as she pleased. There was gray matter everywhere!
Back on the sim, Master started to tell me He was signing off to go to bed but He knew something was wrong. i was too upset to go into any detail without running the acute risk of posing to Him such probing questions as "What the fuck is your problem?" or "What the fuck do you want from me?". Being neither of these nor the others swarming my head seemed like a wise idea, i asked to delay the conversation about what was wrong. Master thankfully relented pretty quickly but, even though nothing was said or done, it felt very tense to me.
Without even realizing it, i must have bitten or picked at my cuticle until it bled and started wiping it in striations across the corner of a sheet of paper beside the keyboard. It was there when i awoke today and totally grossed me out. i wouldn't have even remembered doing it if i had tossed it in the trash last night. i hate that i do things like this. They make me feel even more disgusting and crazy.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wow! A LOT Happened Yesterday!
Yesterday was a very full day both on SL and irl. i worked and afterwards got a bunch of errands done. The first one was stopping to put gas in the car, a task i despise. The machine would not accept my card and kept showing a "see attendant" message. i just left, very frustrated and nearly out of gas with the warning light lit.
i went to Staples to mail Master's gift and texted j as soon as i arrived there, asking him if there was money in the card-linked account and telling him of my dire need to put gas in the tank as well as my intent to shop and run errands. He responded that there was no problem so i figured there was just a malfunction in the machine i had used at the gas station. i used the card to pay for the package shipping at Staples just to be certain and it worked fine.
i should have known better than to feel secure because this happens ALL the time. When i was paying the cashier at the next store, my card was declined. i texted j and told him. He had apparently never checked the account when answering me earlier and thus had to transfer money into the card-linked account while i dealt with the cashier and felt bad for the customers behind me who, fortunately, were able to be routed to other lines. i find this situation EXCRUCIATING yet constantly wind up in it.
While i was waiting for the money transfer, i was feeling VERY anxious and impatient. i began to tap my fingers on the countertop and watch the minutes pass on my cell phone clock. In the past, i would repeatedly call j and scream at him for causing this problem and to fix it faster, my calls undoubtedly making it take longer for him to correct things. i REALLY wanted to do so again even though j has asked me not to.
On the verge of giving in to the desire to call him, i suddenly remembered that i am kajira. i reminded myself of the need for patience and how much more patience will soon be required of me. i reminded myself that j is a Free and i am slave which means it is not my right to scream at him. i reminded myself that i should be grateful i am even permitted to touch money, as kajirae often are not, and that the privilege could be revoked like any other. i considered going to my "room" in my mind that Master had me build but that proved unnecessary. i calmed down, texted j politely, and awaited his response. When i got home, the desire to pick a fight with j was back but i stifled it and handled myself in a manner of which Master would approve.
i was, consequently, feeling especially kajira-like and serene when i signed online and began talking with Master. He told me that tasty and willow had been uncollared and i basically just said "yes, my Master". He and i signed on sl and the conversation continued on general topics until Master asked what is in the package i mailed Him. i responded ambiguously, very much wanting it to remain a secret until He opens it.
Then Master asked what i would do if He ordered me to tell Him what it was. Now, i don't consider myself to be stupid and yet i actually typed out in my buffer something about refusing Him. It was respectfully worded and acknowledged that punishment would be forthcoming, but i actually was ready to tell Master that i would disobey Him. Thank God i regained my sanity in time to correct myself and tell Him the only thing a kajira may ever tell her Master, that being her intent to obey Him absolutely. i am SO glad i wasn't on voice at the time but there's no buffer irl so i'd better get this through my head without the need for one!
During the course of our conversation, Master had rezzed whipping posts. The sight of them made me queasy, as it always does, and left a knot in my stomach. They were outside the school and kennels so they might just have been there as part of the facilty. i knew i was owed a punishment still but it seemed an odd time for it. i should have known better than to underestimate Master's ability at psychological dominance.
They were there, at least in part, for me. It is never any different. i started trembling and crying the second he said they were for my punishment. i did as He directed, of course, stripping and getting on the posts. i even reminded Him of the need to cuffs and shackles. i have never tried to shirk an SL punishment and hope i have the same courage to do so irl.
One problem when Master is to whip me is that i get so upset that it freaks out Archie who then starts whimpering and barking. He and Norman will need to not be there for rl punishments from Master. Archie's upset always adds to mine as it did last night. It is unconscionable to me that my misdeeds bring suffering upon him.
Master brandished that evil whip, the sight and sound of which terrify me. He questioned me about what i had done wrong and my future behavior as i hung on the posts and awaited the lash. He sheathed the whip at one point, but drew it again a moment later. i had thoroughly earned this punishment and i knew it. i didn't realize at the time that waiting days for it and being tested with the question of what i would do if ordered to reveal the package contents were parts of it. So were all the details of Master's setting the scene, it turns out.
Master allowed me down from the posts without His whip ever having touched me, a reprieve He has never granted me before and likely won't again. i was still very upset as was Archie but far less so than if He had gone on to whip me or had regarded me with an attitude of hostility. i wound up asking to sign off and being granted an hour by Master which i used to take a scalding coconut-scented bubble bath.
i REALLY wanted to pout and kennel but i suppressed it. i had to so i did. i went on with the night in relative calm and basically at ease. The ability to fight that desire and succeed is new and wonderful and a product of Master's tutelage. Girl offers thanks, my Master!
i went to Staples to mail Master's gift and texted j as soon as i arrived there, asking him if there was money in the card-linked account and telling him of my dire need to put gas in the tank as well as my intent to shop and run errands. He responded that there was no problem so i figured there was just a malfunction in the machine i had used at the gas station. i used the card to pay for the package shipping at Staples just to be certain and it worked fine.
i should have known better than to feel secure because this happens ALL the time. When i was paying the cashier at the next store, my card was declined. i texted j and told him. He had apparently never checked the account when answering me earlier and thus had to transfer money into the card-linked account while i dealt with the cashier and felt bad for the customers behind me who, fortunately, were able to be routed to other lines. i find this situation EXCRUCIATING yet constantly wind up in it.
While i was waiting for the money transfer, i was feeling VERY anxious and impatient. i began to tap my fingers on the countertop and watch the minutes pass on my cell phone clock. In the past, i would repeatedly call j and scream at him for causing this problem and to fix it faster, my calls undoubtedly making it take longer for him to correct things. i REALLY wanted to do so again even though j has asked me not to.
On the verge of giving in to the desire to call him, i suddenly remembered that i am kajira. i reminded myself of the need for patience and how much more patience will soon be required of me. i reminded myself that j is a Free and i am slave which means it is not my right to scream at him. i reminded myself that i should be grateful i am even permitted to touch money, as kajirae often are not, and that the privilege could be revoked like any other. i considered going to my "room" in my mind that Master had me build but that proved unnecessary. i calmed down, texted j politely, and awaited his response. When i got home, the desire to pick a fight with j was back but i stifled it and handled myself in a manner of which Master would approve.
i was, consequently, feeling especially kajira-like and serene when i signed online and began talking with Master. He told me that tasty and willow had been uncollared and i basically just said "yes, my Master". He and i signed on sl and the conversation continued on general topics until Master asked what is in the package i mailed Him. i responded ambiguously, very much wanting it to remain a secret until He opens it.
Then Master asked what i would do if He ordered me to tell Him what it was. Now, i don't consider myself to be stupid and yet i actually typed out in my buffer something about refusing Him. It was respectfully worded and acknowledged that punishment would be forthcoming, but i actually was ready to tell Master that i would disobey Him. Thank God i regained my sanity in time to correct myself and tell Him the only thing a kajira may ever tell her Master, that being her intent to obey Him absolutely. i am SO glad i wasn't on voice at the time but there's no buffer irl so i'd better get this through my head without the need for one!
During the course of our conversation, Master had rezzed whipping posts. The sight of them made me queasy, as it always does, and left a knot in my stomach. They were outside the school and kennels so they might just have been there as part of the facilty. i knew i was owed a punishment still but it seemed an odd time for it. i should have known better than to underestimate Master's ability at psychological dominance.
They were there, at least in part, for me. It is never any different. i started trembling and crying the second he said they were for my punishment. i did as He directed, of course, stripping and getting on the posts. i even reminded Him of the need to cuffs and shackles. i have never tried to shirk an SL punishment and hope i have the same courage to do so irl.
One problem when Master is to whip me is that i get so upset that it freaks out Archie who then starts whimpering and barking. He and Norman will need to not be there for rl punishments from Master. Archie's upset always adds to mine as it did last night. It is unconscionable to me that my misdeeds bring suffering upon him.
Master brandished that evil whip, the sight and sound of which terrify me. He questioned me about what i had done wrong and my future behavior as i hung on the posts and awaited the lash. He sheathed the whip at one point, but drew it again a moment later. i had thoroughly earned this punishment and i knew it. i didn't realize at the time that waiting days for it and being tested with the question of what i would do if ordered to reveal the package contents were parts of it. So were all the details of Master's setting the scene, it turns out.
Master allowed me down from the posts without His whip ever having touched me, a reprieve He has never granted me before and likely won't again. i was still very upset as was Archie but far less so than if He had gone on to whip me or had regarded me with an attitude of hostility. i wound up asking to sign off and being granted an hour by Master which i used to take a scalding coconut-scented bubble bath.
i REALLY wanted to pout and kennel but i suppressed it. i had to so i did. i went on with the night in relative calm and basically at ease. The ability to fight that desire and succeed is new and wonderful and a product of Master's tutelage. Girl offers thanks, my Master!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Not my Usual Post
i was shopping in Walmart this evening. Now, my dogs are about as indulged as i thought dogs could be and they are the joyful recipients of any number of silly dogs treats... ones that look like sandwich cookies, ones flavored like filet mignon, ones alleged to be dried and smoked bull penises. Yum! So i was not at all surprised initially as i surveyed the pet aisle. Logically, this post might go on to describe my spotting the elaborately designed collars and leashes and imagining them fastened on me for my romp with Master.
Nope! Not even close! i was actually just so taken aback by something that i felt compelled to blog about it even though it has nothing to do with being kajira. Walmart actually sells low fat dog snacks in a box which has them individually packaged in... get this... 100 calorie packs! i was so amused that i actually texted Joni right then and there to tell her.
Low fat 100 calorie snack packs for dogs! What is this world coming to? Is that so the dog doesn't inadvertently overeat directly from the package while camped out on the couch watching Animal Planet? Is there psychological influence on the canine psyche which makes being able to eat an entire package more satisfying than simply having one small portion from a larger package?
Last i checked, my dogs don't have opposable thumbs and this rely upon me to produce their from where i store them and apportion them as i see fit. Thus the need for 100 calorie packs utterly escapes me. If my dogs were overweight, i'd give them fewer treats. Imagine that! What a comically asinine product! Needless to say, i did not buy them. i simply had to share that experience with others.
To turn this blog back to the topic of kajira, i do stress over how indulged my dogs are and the likelihood that i will not be able to supply them with as many perks when i am with Master as they are currently accustomed to getting. That upsets me. i worry more about their response to the loss of usual luxuries than i do mine. i don't want them to feel denied or deprived.
The kajira moment i did have while in Walmart had nothing to do with the dogs. The clothing reminded me of just how shoddy my clothing is. So much of it is torn or stained and horrendous looking. As absurd as it is to want to get some new clothes before going to Master, in front of whom i'll rarely wear any, i do. i realized that i don't know what the limits are, if any, to the clothes i'll be able to wear in public situations. i texted Him from Walmart to ask and am awaiting His answer.
i accidentally skipped my meds last night and felt okay today though Joni told me i was even more obnoxious than usual today. i truly didn't see it in myself but i take Joni's word for it. i can't really play "catch up" with the meds but want to be particularly diligent in taking them now because MANY incidents i've had in screwing up have been after messing up with my medication several times in several days.
i'll stop there. Life is good. No complaints. i love Master and the family and can't wait to be with them irl. 162 days and they're dwindling fast. Woohoo!
Nope! Not even close! i was actually just so taken aback by something that i felt compelled to blog about it even though it has nothing to do with being kajira. Walmart actually sells low fat dog snacks in a box which has them individually packaged in... get this... 100 calorie packs! i was so amused that i actually texted Joni right then and there to tell her.
Low fat 100 calorie snack packs for dogs! What is this world coming to? Is that so the dog doesn't inadvertently overeat directly from the package while camped out on the couch watching Animal Planet? Is there psychological influence on the canine psyche which makes being able to eat an entire package more satisfying than simply having one small portion from a larger package?
Last i checked, my dogs don't have opposable thumbs and this rely upon me to produce their from where i store them and apportion them as i see fit. Thus the need for 100 calorie packs utterly escapes me. If my dogs were overweight, i'd give them fewer treats. Imagine that! What a comically asinine product! Needless to say, i did not buy them. i simply had to share that experience with others.
To turn this blog back to the topic of kajira, i do stress over how indulged my dogs are and the likelihood that i will not be able to supply them with as many perks when i am with Master as they are currently accustomed to getting. That upsets me. i worry more about their response to the loss of usual luxuries than i do mine. i don't want them to feel denied or deprived.
The kajira moment i did have while in Walmart had nothing to do with the dogs. The clothing reminded me of just how shoddy my clothing is. So much of it is torn or stained and horrendous looking. As absurd as it is to want to get some new clothes before going to Master, in front of whom i'll rarely wear any, i do. i realized that i don't know what the limits are, if any, to the clothes i'll be able to wear in public situations. i texted Him from Walmart to ask and am awaiting His answer.
i accidentally skipped my meds last night and felt okay today though Joni told me i was even more obnoxious than usual today. i truly didn't see it in myself but i take Joni's word for it. i can't really play "catch up" with the meds but want to be particularly diligent in taking them now because MANY incidents i've had in screwing up have been after messing up with my medication several times in several days.
i'll stop there. Life is good. No complaints. i love Master and the family and can't wait to be with them irl. 162 days and they're dwindling fast. Woohoo!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
tasty
Master collared tasty for rl last night. tasty defies all views i've ever had as regards new kajirae and has proven to be a great asset to the family already. she blogged about exactly what she had already told me, the fact that watching my SL serve had been a strong motivator in drawing her toward online gor. she said she had only viewed grossly misportrayed scenes of gor online until getting to know Master and the family. i am left incredibly humbled by the impact my actions apparently had upon her. i am really stupefied by the fact that my serve could inspire someone so. i love Master with all my being but had lost focus on just how clearly that love is conveyed in a serve. tasty helped me reunite with the beauty of gor of which i had somewhat lost sight, even as i was living it. she also left me cognizant of the influence i might have on others even when i least realize it. When i did that serve, tasty was in the collar of another. i was thinking only of serving Master properly, which is as it should be, but what if that had been a moment i had chosen to unleash my inner bitch? Master might now be denied tasty's service. tasty might not have embraced gor again. v and rau and i might be denied someone i expect to be an awesome sister. The ripple effect of that serve has me floored. i've been struggling with leaving my job because it makes me feel as if i make a difference. tasty illustrated to me that there are many ways in which to make a difference. i owe her thanks.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What a Difference a Day Makes!!!
Yesterday i was despondent and hating myself and really feeling horrible. i blogged about how low i felt so i would remember it when i was tempted in the future to give in to my demons. Today i realize what it is i seek to recapture when i'm tempted to lash out at the very ones who show me the most love and kindness, especially Master. There is a high, a rush, a feeling of elation which eventually follows finding my way out of that dismal abyss. To seek it at the expense of others is utterly selfish and entirely unacceptable. But i wonder if there is another way to find it, a means which doesn't involve this hurtful route.
Also on my mind is Pete. i think i understand better now why he is so skeptical of my being Master's. The biggest glimpse he has of me is through this blog and i generally only blog when i'm miserable, overcome by stress and/or depression. Before i had this blog, Pete knew only what i shared with him and it was conveyed in a conversational exchange where he could ask questions and clarify things. i shared a lot with Pete. He knows me well. But he wasn't privy to a fraction of the inner workings of my mind as Master is. i'm guessing he believes he was though.
i feel no need to prove anything to Pete. He'll think as he wishes and it will either be compatible with remaining my friend or it won't. The thing is, i know he means well when he questions my choices. He sees only the bleakest moments and, to him, they paint a picture of someone unhappy. He hears about all the tears i shed but doesn't realize how much less i cry than i used to, how much less often and less intensely i hate myself, how i haven't cut once since being in Master's collar, how those who know me comment on how much happier and calmer and less hostile i am overall. Pete's responses are reasonable based on the limited picture he has of my current life. i have to be cognizant of that in my dealings with him.
A sort of slap in the face today came when i got called into the Assistant Principal's office. In the past days i knew i'd been uncharacteristically aggressive but i clearly hadn't realized how totally out of control it had gotten. One thing she asked about was my overdue paperwork. Thanks to Master, i completed as much as i could at home yesterday and the rest at work today. It was NICE to be able to say it was done.
She also asked me about my conduct at a meeting this past Friday at which i had been very disrespectful to her. i had seen it as joking but i guess i did have some sense it had gone too far. i guess i had put it out of my mind. She hadn't. In the past i would have argued with her. i would have gotten defensive and tried to assert that my conduct had been acceptable and it was within her misperceptions where the problem was. Thanks to Master, i knew better. And it wasn't even a consciously thought out thing. It was automatic. i referred to my behavior as obnoxious, said i had gone too far, and immediately apologized. Being to say that i am wrong and i am sorry used to be near impossibilities. Today they were second nature, a new skill which surely served me well.
i'm kind of paranoid at the moment because i don't know how or when i am going to find myself punished for yesterday. Waiting is part of the punishment, i know, and it also keeps me on alert to be at my best especially with Master. i don't like this feeling, obviously, but it also reminds me of how i need to behave and why. The list is mounting. The initiatory whipping is 13+1, more if yesterday added to it. i already have an unspecified punishment due from arguing with and disobeying Master while i was moving. Now this one. i don't know whether this will wind up being a rl punishment or not but, regardless, that's a pretty intimidating list. i do NOT want to add to it! i also have promised punishments already in place if i cut or call myself a freak. i haven't made those errors at least.
To end on a positive note, season 8 of American Idol started tonight. Woohoo! Master let me watch it offline which was awesome. i had worried He might not because of yesterday or might not let me watch it at all as my punishment if He knew how important it is to me. As much as i dread the whip and rl punishments, i'd rather almost anything to missing Idol. i'm THAT obsessed! Since it is on two or three nights a week until the May finale, i had better be really good. An Idol ban would be SUCK. i know it's ridiculous how strongly i need to see the show and carry out my related rituals but i REALLY do. Can i behave well enough for five months to never have to miss any? It's not a choice. i HAVE to.
Also on my mind is Pete. i think i understand better now why he is so skeptical of my being Master's. The biggest glimpse he has of me is through this blog and i generally only blog when i'm miserable, overcome by stress and/or depression. Before i had this blog, Pete knew only what i shared with him and it was conveyed in a conversational exchange where he could ask questions and clarify things. i shared a lot with Pete. He knows me well. But he wasn't privy to a fraction of the inner workings of my mind as Master is. i'm guessing he believes he was though.
i feel no need to prove anything to Pete. He'll think as he wishes and it will either be compatible with remaining my friend or it won't. The thing is, i know he means well when he questions my choices. He sees only the bleakest moments and, to him, they paint a picture of someone unhappy. He hears about all the tears i shed but doesn't realize how much less i cry than i used to, how much less often and less intensely i hate myself, how i haven't cut once since being in Master's collar, how those who know me comment on how much happier and calmer and less hostile i am overall. Pete's responses are reasonable based on the limited picture he has of my current life. i have to be cognizant of that in my dealings with him.
A sort of slap in the face today came when i got called into the Assistant Principal's office. In the past days i knew i'd been uncharacteristically aggressive but i clearly hadn't realized how totally out of control it had gotten. One thing she asked about was my overdue paperwork. Thanks to Master, i completed as much as i could at home yesterday and the rest at work today. It was NICE to be able to say it was done.
She also asked me about my conduct at a meeting this past Friday at which i had been very disrespectful to her. i had seen it as joking but i guess i did have some sense it had gone too far. i guess i had put it out of my mind. She hadn't. In the past i would have argued with her. i would have gotten defensive and tried to assert that my conduct had been acceptable and it was within her misperceptions where the problem was. Thanks to Master, i knew better. And it wasn't even a consciously thought out thing. It was automatic. i referred to my behavior as obnoxious, said i had gone too far, and immediately apologized. Being to say that i am wrong and i am sorry used to be near impossibilities. Today they were second nature, a new skill which surely served me well.
i'm kind of paranoid at the moment because i don't know how or when i am going to find myself punished for yesterday. Waiting is part of the punishment, i know, and it also keeps me on alert to be at my best especially with Master. i don't like this feeling, obviously, but it also reminds me of how i need to behave and why. The list is mounting. The initiatory whipping is 13+1, more if yesterday added to it. i already have an unspecified punishment due from arguing with and disobeying Master while i was moving. Now this one. i don't know whether this will wind up being a rl punishment or not but, regardless, that's a pretty intimidating list. i do NOT want to add to it! i also have promised punishments already in place if i cut or call myself a freak. i haven't made those errors at least.
To end on a positive note, season 8 of American Idol started tonight. Woohoo! Master let me watch it offline which was awesome. i had worried He might not because of yesterday or might not let me watch it at all as my punishment if He knew how important it is to me. As much as i dread the whip and rl punishments, i'd rather almost anything to missing Idol. i'm THAT obsessed! Since it is on two or three nights a week until the May finale, i had better be really good. An Idol ban would be SUCK. i know it's ridiculous how strongly i need to see the show and carry out my related rituals but i REALLY do. Can i behave well enough for five months to never have to miss any? It's not a choice. i HAVE to.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Blogging
i don't know what else to do with myself so i just keep blogging. i always forget about the particular state i am in now although it always follows my screwing up big with Master. i reach a point of being totally uneasy and insecure. i worry that things can't or won't get back to where they were before in terms of His wanting me, loving me. i worry that i'm too damaged not to just do this again if they do... and then i start to think dark thoughts.
i wish Master would sign on. i know He's at work but i wish He was here. i don't care how. i'd rather have Him here screaming at me, whipping me even, than being away and leaving my imagination to run wild. i don't care how i'm with with Him. i just need to be with Him. i guess i want to feel like things are moving in the right direction instead of me just stagnating in this place where i feel as if i've alienated Master and everyone else and don't deserve them back.
The reason i blogged this particular entry is so that i can read back and remember it the next time i want to speak first and think later. Bad idea nou! Don't do it! The fallout sucks!
i wish Master would sign on. i know He's at work but i wish He was here. i don't care how. i'd rather have Him here screaming at me, whipping me even, than being away and leaving my imagination to run wild. i don't care how i'm with with Him. i just need to be with Him. i guess i want to feel like things are moving in the right direction instead of me just stagnating in this place where i feel as if i've alienated Master and everyone else and don't deserve them back.
The reason i blogged this particular entry is so that i can read back and remember it the next time i want to speak first and think later. Bad idea nou! Don't do it! The fallout sucks!
Needing to Get the Casualty Count Down
Master feels... i won't presume to know what exactly but something unpleasant and undeserved... because of me. Ossy feels crummy because of me, in his own words. rau called and wanted to help and i had to hang up because i was crying and don't know HOW to let anyone help me. v knew what was going on so she had to have been worrying about Master if not me too. All of this has me feeling lower than dirt and wanting to damage Master's property. i wouldn't dare. That's not my point. my point is that i HAVE to find a way to go through whatever it is i go through without hurting anyone else. my actions today have been totally unfair and selfish.
Familiarity if not Comfort
Well, i've been catapulted back to a state i know well, though not from recent months. Master is rightfully furious with me and i don't know how long that will last or what the repercussions will be. i fell asleep before and when i woke up for just a moment i felt better than i have in days. Then the memories of what i'd done flooded back in. But for a moment i knew that the state of insane delirium had been broken and i was myself again.
Ossy IMed me trying to help but she wound up saying something that i totally and unfairly went off on her for. i cursed at her like a little kid. i was just so emotionally spent that i couldn't even formulate a more appropriate response. Master IMed me right afterward, as i had begun this blog, and i told Him what i'd done. i knew He wouldn't like it but i was so happy that He was even willing to talk to me. And somehow there's something that feels reassuring about confessing to Him.
He told me to IM an apology to Ossy which i would have done anyway. He had me frame it in terms of my being out of line for talking to her as i had because she is Free and i am slave. That isn't how i would have framed it, largely because i don't think Ossy will be as receptive to it as to one that was stated differently. It didn't matter. Master ordered it, i obeyed. Serenity. There is such a sense of peace in just unquestioningly obeying Him.
That made me think that maybe i lost my mind today, after a build-up of several days en route to doing so, in order to regain the feeling of security and ease that comes when i am in trouble with Master. Why don't i feel that way when everything is fine? i do feel it but not to this extent. i guess in any area of my life, i don't know how to cope with the good nearly as well as the bad. Being in trouble seems to fit me. Being in Master's good favor almost feels as if it isn't really me or should be someone else.
Before, after, even while under the whip, there is no doubt in my mind who is whom and where i belong. How do i find that without needing the punishment? It's not even the punishment. i think i actually want the punishment at this point. But how do i find that state of mind without victimizing Master or anyone else in order to get it? How do i let myself be successful as kajira, as anything, without ultimately sabotaging it?
i guess this ties into my not liking to be thanked or praised or things of that sort. i don't know what to do with the supposedly good feelings. i don't know how to feel them. They are so foreign and i am so inexperienced with them that i just can't even deal with them. That has been consistent in all areas of my life. This is just how it's playing out now. It's a hurdle i need to find a way to leap.
i'm also supposed to blog today about why i can't make a decision such as blowing off work without first seeking Master's approval. That is simple enough. i am His property. His truck doesn't decide whether to drive itself to work on any given day. Master does. Well i don't decide either. It is expected that i will go unless Master agrees otherwise. If i had been sick or had a legitimate excuse, it would have been different. i had spent time with Master fully intending to skip work and not mentioning it to Him. In retrospect, of course He was angered by that. It should have been easy enough for me to foresee. i won't make the error again and i'll generalize it to other situations.
i don't know what else to say right now except that i feel, for lack of a more appealing analogy, as if i'd been a festering wound for the past several days and now i'm oozing pus everywhere... pretty gross but on the road to recovering.
Ossy IMed me trying to help but she wound up saying something that i totally and unfairly went off on her for. i cursed at her like a little kid. i was just so emotionally spent that i couldn't even formulate a more appropriate response. Master IMed me right afterward, as i had begun this blog, and i told Him what i'd done. i knew He wouldn't like it but i was so happy that He was even willing to talk to me. And somehow there's something that feels reassuring about confessing to Him.
He told me to IM an apology to Ossy which i would have done anyway. He had me frame it in terms of my being out of line for talking to her as i had because she is Free and i am slave. That isn't how i would have framed it, largely because i don't think Ossy will be as receptive to it as to one that was stated differently. It didn't matter. Master ordered it, i obeyed. Serenity. There is such a sense of peace in just unquestioningly obeying Him.
That made me think that maybe i lost my mind today, after a build-up of several days en route to doing so, in order to regain the feeling of security and ease that comes when i am in trouble with Master. Why don't i feel that way when everything is fine? i do feel it but not to this extent. i guess in any area of my life, i don't know how to cope with the good nearly as well as the bad. Being in trouble seems to fit me. Being in Master's good favor almost feels as if it isn't really me or should be someone else.
Before, after, even while under the whip, there is no doubt in my mind who is whom and where i belong. How do i find that without needing the punishment? It's not even the punishment. i think i actually want the punishment at this point. But how do i find that state of mind without victimizing Master or anyone else in order to get it? How do i let myself be successful as kajira, as anything, without ultimately sabotaging it?
i guess this ties into my not liking to be thanked or praised or things of that sort. i don't know what to do with the supposedly good feelings. i don't know how to feel them. They are so foreign and i am so inexperienced with them that i just can't even deal with them. That has been consistent in all areas of my life. This is just how it's playing out now. It's a hurdle i need to find a way to leap.
i'm also supposed to blog today about why i can't make a decision such as blowing off work without first seeking Master's approval. That is simple enough. i am His property. His truck doesn't decide whether to drive itself to work on any given day. Master does. Well i don't decide either. It is expected that i will go unless Master agrees otherwise. If i had been sick or had a legitimate excuse, it would have been different. i had spent time with Master fully intending to skip work and not mentioning it to Him. In retrospect, of course He was angered by that. It should have been easy enough for me to foresee. i won't make the error again and i'll generalize it to other situations.
i don't know what else to say right now except that i feel, for lack of a more appealing analogy, as if i'd been a festering wound for the past several days and now i'm oozing pus everywhere... pretty gross but on the road to recovering.
Something is Wrong... SERIOUSLY, MAJORLY WRONG!
i don't know what it is and i don't know what to do about it but it has been building for several days and it is threatening to destroy everything. The thing is... i WANT it to. i just want to ruin everything and it has taken every bit of self-control to refrain from doing just that. i want to get fired from work. i want to curse out Master. i want to just sever every tie i have anywhere.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After i wrote that, Master IMed me. He tried to understand what i'm feeling and to help me. i didn't let HIm. i countered everything He said with something disrespectful, confrontational, and oppositional. i flat out told Him "no". i said that nothing was real in my life including Him. i told Him i didn't care what He did to me. When i felt He MIGHT have been alluding to taking my collar, i told Him to take it and i signed off.
i signed back on almost instantly but, even then, there were shadows of my belligerent self lurking. i begged to stay in His collar because somewhere inside, the rational me knew she'd be lost without it, without Him. i feel possessed, as if everything is surreal. Even sounds don't sound like they should. Sensations don't feel as they should. Nothing looks quite right. It's all askew, everything, only JUST enough for me to know that it's not as it should be. i don't know how to explain it. It's almost like i'm hallucinating. Maybe i am. It's not just my thoughts but my perceptions, my sensory observations. i'm so screwed up. There should be some sanity requirement for kajirae. i'd never meet it.
Master wants to know the reason behind my egregious behavior. i have a couple of theories beyond the obvious fact that i'm just out of my mind in general and the chemicals must be flaring this week. One is that i don't cope well with changes. i never have. i've always been someone who was more apt to remain in a situation which sucked rather than venturing into the risky unknown to seek out a better one. Seems a bit incongruous with going to Master, doesn't it?
i'm starting to more acutely feel the stress of that upcoming change. That has resulted in all the smaller changes feeling grossly magnified. Everything with Master's many SL lives and with v and with rau have seemed a lot bigger than they probably should. No one thing has bothered me a great deal but i think the cumulative total has me totally overwhelmed. Also, the enormity of going to Master and the changes that will entail has been hitting home in new ways. i discussed with a colleague details of terminating my job and that was upsetting. A lot of things that i had put off as "thens" are becoming "nows" and it is very hard to drag myself through the discomfort of them every day.
That is what is going on with me. What has been going on with Master is that He has been absolutely amazing lately. He has been so giving of Himself and incredibly patient and understanding with me. He has gone out of His way to be generous with His time and liberal with His tolerance. He has opted to allow me all i've asked in terms of freedoms and privileges, seldom refusing any of my requests.
i'm ashamed of how i treated Him today. He was encouraging me and i struck out at HIm. He was praising me for fighting off the bleakness in a way i've never been able or willing before. In return, i did not treat Him as Master. i didn't even address Him as Master. i just tried to shut Him out but that's not possible. He is such an integral part of who i am today, on and offline.
Beyond the threat of having my collar taken, beyond the threat of punishment -a great deal of which i'm sure will be forthcoming including the whip -, i am aching foremost because i hurt Him. It wasn't even in the heat of a fight, which would still be unacceptable since Master is right simply by virtue of being Master. It was while He was trying to help me gain self-awareness and appreciate my gains and combat the lingering depression that He has already helped me with so much.
A kajira does not treat her Master as i did Him, not EVER. He inherently deserves better because He is Master but, beyond that, taking His due status off the table for the moment, He has earned better. i don't mean that Master needs to earn appropriate treatment from me. He most definitely does not, nor does any Master from His kajira. i guess what i'm trying to say is that if His being Master didn't already dictate the level of respect due Him, which it does, His actions would have earned Him that respect many times over anyhow.
He has borne the brunt of many of my tantrums and bouts of depression and seen me through incredible strife, guiding me so that i could handle it as i never have before. i have not cut once since being in Master's collar. How dare i take the help He tried to offer today and turn around to mistreat Him? He knows better than i do. i trust Him. He has given me a new world, one with love and hope. Yet i still lost sight of that and was totally rude and combative with Him.
i thought that was over. i'd expected and demanded better of myself on His behalf and had delivered for a little while. This fall hurts. my own notecard applies to me. i did everything i warn everyone else not to do and i feel totally unworthy. i told Master that i couldn't feel anything earlier, that i couldn't even cry. Well, my tears are flowing now. i am so sorry for how i treated HIm. i know i have to be careful here because feeling this bad makes me want to kill or cut myself. rau just called and i hung up. i couldn't even talk, just started crying harder.
My Master, i beg your forgiveness for letting ANYTHING get in the way of my absolute obedience toward you which includes the respect which i am to show you at all times. i offer thanks to you for seeing fit to allowing me to remain in your collar and embrace whatever punishments you choose to inflict upon me. They are deserved. i recognize You as my owner, and He who is both right and in charge of my every action. i want and need nothing beyond being yours so that i may serve You and, in doing so, continue to grow as i can only at Your kneel. i beg You, my Master, to give me opportunity to show You that i mean what i say. my attitude is gone. Property does not have an attitude. Property obeys absolutely and with respect.
i love you, my Master.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After i wrote that, Master IMed me. He tried to understand what i'm feeling and to help me. i didn't let HIm. i countered everything He said with something disrespectful, confrontational, and oppositional. i flat out told Him "no". i said that nothing was real in my life including Him. i told Him i didn't care what He did to me. When i felt He MIGHT have been alluding to taking my collar, i told Him to take it and i signed off.
i signed back on almost instantly but, even then, there were shadows of my belligerent self lurking. i begged to stay in His collar because somewhere inside, the rational me knew she'd be lost without it, without Him. i feel possessed, as if everything is surreal. Even sounds don't sound like they should. Sensations don't feel as they should. Nothing looks quite right. It's all askew, everything, only JUST enough for me to know that it's not as it should be. i don't know how to explain it. It's almost like i'm hallucinating. Maybe i am. It's not just my thoughts but my perceptions, my sensory observations. i'm so screwed up. There should be some sanity requirement for kajirae. i'd never meet it.
Master wants to know the reason behind my egregious behavior. i have a couple of theories beyond the obvious fact that i'm just out of my mind in general and the chemicals must be flaring this week. One is that i don't cope well with changes. i never have. i've always been someone who was more apt to remain in a situation which sucked rather than venturing into the risky unknown to seek out a better one. Seems a bit incongruous with going to Master, doesn't it?
i'm starting to more acutely feel the stress of that upcoming change. That has resulted in all the smaller changes feeling grossly magnified. Everything with Master's many SL lives and with v and with rau have seemed a lot bigger than they probably should. No one thing has bothered me a great deal but i think the cumulative total has me totally overwhelmed. Also, the enormity of going to Master and the changes that will entail has been hitting home in new ways. i discussed with a colleague details of terminating my job and that was upsetting. A lot of things that i had put off as "thens" are becoming "nows" and it is very hard to drag myself through the discomfort of them every day.
That is what is going on with me. What has been going on with Master is that He has been absolutely amazing lately. He has been so giving of Himself and incredibly patient and understanding with me. He has gone out of His way to be generous with His time and liberal with His tolerance. He has opted to allow me all i've asked in terms of freedoms and privileges, seldom refusing any of my requests.
i'm ashamed of how i treated Him today. He was encouraging me and i struck out at HIm. He was praising me for fighting off the bleakness in a way i've never been able or willing before. In return, i did not treat Him as Master. i didn't even address Him as Master. i just tried to shut Him out but that's not possible. He is such an integral part of who i am today, on and offline.
Beyond the threat of having my collar taken, beyond the threat of punishment -a great deal of which i'm sure will be forthcoming including the whip -, i am aching foremost because i hurt Him. It wasn't even in the heat of a fight, which would still be unacceptable since Master is right simply by virtue of being Master. It was while He was trying to help me gain self-awareness and appreciate my gains and combat the lingering depression that He has already helped me with so much.
A kajira does not treat her Master as i did Him, not EVER. He inherently deserves better because He is Master but, beyond that, taking His due status off the table for the moment, He has earned better. i don't mean that Master needs to earn appropriate treatment from me. He most definitely does not, nor does any Master from His kajira. i guess what i'm trying to say is that if His being Master didn't already dictate the level of respect due Him, which it does, His actions would have earned Him that respect many times over anyhow.
He has borne the brunt of many of my tantrums and bouts of depression and seen me through incredible strife, guiding me so that i could handle it as i never have before. i have not cut once since being in Master's collar. How dare i take the help He tried to offer today and turn around to mistreat Him? He knows better than i do. i trust Him. He has given me a new world, one with love and hope. Yet i still lost sight of that and was totally rude and combative with Him.
i thought that was over. i'd expected and demanded better of myself on His behalf and had delivered for a little while. This fall hurts. my own notecard applies to me. i did everything i warn everyone else not to do and i feel totally unworthy. i told Master that i couldn't feel anything earlier, that i couldn't even cry. Well, my tears are flowing now. i am so sorry for how i treated HIm. i know i have to be careful here because feeling this bad makes me want to kill or cut myself. rau just called and i hung up. i couldn't even talk, just started crying harder.
My Master, i beg your forgiveness for letting ANYTHING get in the way of my absolute obedience toward you which includes the respect which i am to show you at all times. i offer thanks to you for seeing fit to allowing me to remain in your collar and embrace whatever punishments you choose to inflict upon me. They are deserved. i recognize You as my owner, and He who is both right and in charge of my every action. i want and need nothing beyond being yours so that i may serve You and, in doing so, continue to grow as i can only at Your kneel. i beg You, my Master, to give me opportunity to show You that i mean what i say. my attitude is gone. Property does not have an attitude. Property obeys absolutely and with respect.
i love you, my Master.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Lot on my Mind and NOT Wanting to Blog
Well, those are the sure signs i need to blog so here goes:
Wow. i don't even know where to start. First of all... To v or not to v. That is the question. The others who have left Master haven't come back, i haven't care about them, and/or they'd burned bridges in my mind and i'd never given them another real chance anyhow. And then there's v, in a class unto herself. she returned, no bridges burned, and i forced myself to give her another chance.
i say that i forced myself because it did take effort. i was on the fence and consciously decided to look past the recent history and regard her like the old v. It was fun just being stupid and silly with her. It felt good. But then yesterday when she misbehaved, it made me worry about her leaving again or only being back in a half-assed sort of way again. For some it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Screw that. If it's ultimately going to hurt me, i'd rather avoid it altogether right from the start.
i do realize what a hypocrite i am. When i was misbehaving every twelve seconds, v never wavered in how she regarded me, at least not TO me. i'm tempted to expound upon how things were totally different in those instances, and they WERE in many ways, but i also know my tendency to think that things are different for everyone else than they are for me which is just a little too REALLY-FUCKING-ARROGANT for my comfort. i'm trying to avoid that, now and in general.
In any case, the real v is back... i think... or is she... and for how long? These are some of the questions weighing on my mind along with the implications of the potential answers. What will they mean for Master and for me? And as the countdown dwindles, everything seems all the more important. This is one of those only-time-will-tell situations though, a waiting game. i hate those!
Also on my mind is rau. Something is up with her but i have absolutely no idea what. It's not any one things. i know the details and challenges of her real life, at least as far as she has shared them. i don't know if she's depressed or preoccupied or we're growing apart or what. i miss her! i miss the rau i used to spend time with. i fear that it was my own shortcomings which alienated her.
i didn't contact her yesterday nor did she contact me. i'm not sure why. i wanted to contact her but it seems as if i've been initiating it a lot lately and maybe i'm pushing her toward something she no longer wants. she didn't respond to my last two texts. On the other hand, there had been times when i was a mess and she absolutely continued to contact and reassure me. i love her and want her and need her. i question none of that and hope she knows it. i need to tell her so that she WILL know it. i just don't want to inflict myself on her if that is not her wish and she is too nice to make it known more blatantly. If she is struggling at a personal level that has nothing to do with me then i will absolutely help her ride it out and be there as she does and after. i just don't know and i'm not even certain she does.
i guess those are the biggest parts of what's bothering me, at least the ones which i feel safe blogging about. i owe Master thanks for allowing me to kennel last night, even though i didn't sign off until an hour later, rather than pushing me to talk about what was bothering me. In that hour, i calmed down a lot and figured out what some of the things on that list were. i might have been unable to do so had He not and i fear that i might have been belligerent to Him which is NOT my wish.
i still need to express some feelings about other things but this will have to do for now. A nap awaits. The futon beckons.
Wow. i don't even know where to start. First of all... To v or not to v. That is the question. The others who have left Master haven't come back, i haven't care about them, and/or they'd burned bridges in my mind and i'd never given them another real chance anyhow. And then there's v, in a class unto herself. she returned, no bridges burned, and i forced myself to give her another chance.
i say that i forced myself because it did take effort. i was on the fence and consciously decided to look past the recent history and regard her like the old v. It was fun just being stupid and silly with her. It felt good. But then yesterday when she misbehaved, it made me worry about her leaving again or only being back in a half-assed sort of way again. For some it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Screw that. If it's ultimately going to hurt me, i'd rather avoid it altogether right from the start.
i do realize what a hypocrite i am. When i was misbehaving every twelve seconds, v never wavered in how she regarded me, at least not TO me. i'm tempted to expound upon how things were totally different in those instances, and they WERE in many ways, but i also know my tendency to think that things are different for everyone else than they are for me which is just a little too REALLY-FUCKING-ARROGANT for my comfort. i'm trying to avoid that, now and in general.
In any case, the real v is back... i think... or is she... and for how long? These are some of the questions weighing on my mind along with the implications of the potential answers. What will they mean for Master and for me? And as the countdown dwindles, everything seems all the more important. This is one of those only-time-will-tell situations though, a waiting game. i hate those!
Also on my mind is rau. Something is up with her but i have absolutely no idea what. It's not any one things. i know the details and challenges of her real life, at least as far as she has shared them. i don't know if she's depressed or preoccupied or we're growing apart or what. i miss her! i miss the rau i used to spend time with. i fear that it was my own shortcomings which alienated her.
i didn't contact her yesterday nor did she contact me. i'm not sure why. i wanted to contact her but it seems as if i've been initiating it a lot lately and maybe i'm pushing her toward something she no longer wants. she didn't respond to my last two texts. On the other hand, there had been times when i was a mess and she absolutely continued to contact and reassure me. i love her and want her and need her. i question none of that and hope she knows it. i need to tell her so that she WILL know it. i just don't want to inflict myself on her if that is not her wish and she is too nice to make it known more blatantly. If she is struggling at a personal level that has nothing to do with me then i will absolutely help her ride it out and be there as she does and after. i just don't know and i'm not even certain she does.
i guess those are the biggest parts of what's bothering me, at least the ones which i feel safe blogging about. i owe Master thanks for allowing me to kennel last night, even though i didn't sign off until an hour later, rather than pushing me to talk about what was bothering me. In that hour, i calmed down a lot and figured out what some of the things on that list were. i might have been unable to do so had He not and i fear that i might have been belligerent to Him which is NOT my wish.
i still need to express some feelings about other things but this will have to do for now. A nap awaits. The futon beckons.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Sleep
i slept SO well when j and the boys were away but, since a day or two before they returned home, my sleep has been unrestful and interrupted and tainted with bad dreams. i stayed up until seven this morning because i didn't want to go to sleep. i hate it when i get into phases like that. my greatest respite becomes as much of an aggressor as my reality. Then i take the state of mind from my dream and carry it with me into my waking hours until i finally snap out of it, IF i snap out of it.
i have no idea what i may have dreamed this morning but i woke up dead certain that there is no way i can or will stop the picking. i was at the point where i'm dead certain that, had i seen Master, i'd have told Him i can't come to Him rl because of it. It's really bad. Maybe if He'd give me some part that's okay to pick at i'd be okay but stopping cold turkey just has me unable to think of anything except wanting to pick. Even medications from my shrink have never been able to touch this OCD piece. i guess it can't stop until i believe it can and i'm willing to let go of it. i'm not sure how to find that state within my head and i know i'm resisting it.
i think i dreamed that i got whipped for being a bitch to lucy today. Could happen. i didn't care in the dream and i don't now. One of my recurrent issues with Master is His continuing ties to those involved in conflicts from His past. i love Him dearly. He has my undivided loyalty. i would NEVER show ANY hesitance to side with Him publicly and defend Him to the death. i have never shied away from speaking or acting on His behalf.
The thing is, He invites the conflict upon Himself with the actions He takes and i've also never been willing to blindly "yes" Him and lead Him to believe i think otherwise. He has been savagely hurt and egregiously wronged. There is no question as to that. But that makes Him feel justified in doing things which perpetuate the problems. Those with whom He has conflicts also feel wronged and justified so it's an unending pissing match which gets very tiresome. It makes Him cranky. It makes Him unreasonable. It makes Him doubt me.
i know that life with Master is based upon His agenda and certainly not mine. It is His right to act in ways i find irritating just as it is His right to be cranky and unreasonable and doubtful of me. That doesn't make it any less pleasant for me to deal with especially since it has become so predictably cyclic at this point.
1. i watch Him make an aggressive move which He justifies based upon a comparably aggressive move which was made upon Him.
2. Then He backs off, feeling as if it is over with Him having gotten in "last licks".
3. Sooner or later the others inevitably retaliate which leaves Master infuriated, hurt, and rehashing old incidents. It also leaves Him sure they started with Him since He had backed off and His last move was justified. He never seems to look at the fact that the others feel equally justified, regardless of whether they have reason to do so.
4. Master rants and raves and vents His frustration, often on me. i bite my tongue but refuse to "yes" Him. If i do suggest He let it be over, He says i'm taking their side.
5. Master decides it is over once and for all... finally... period... and then feels compelled to make one "last" move which brings us right back to step one again.
It used to scare me when all this happened, to make me feel insecure and unsettled. Now it has gotten so perfunctory that it's almost boring, a non-event. i wouldn't even care if it didn't involve watching Master bring hurt upon Himself. i hate seeing Him in pain and He IS in pain when the past is revisited and new difficulties transpire. i used to think the solution was as elementary as His just ceasing to make another move, biting the bullet, being the bigger person, and just letting it end. It's only recently that i've realized i was wrong about this. It is not as simple as that because Master and those from His past travel in many of the same circles online and there is significant overlap in who knows whom. To avoid individuals common to both Him and them would be an impossibility at this point without His seriously curtailing His activities. There is a huge ripple effect and it is inevitable that someone does something that impacts the other. Feelings are hurt, toes thought to be stepped upon, and the cycle continues. It is what it is but i needed to vent about it.
That brings me to the last item on my list of things i've wanted to blog about. That item is rau. Master says He loves rau and wants her and has every intention of collaring her rl. rau says she loves Master and wants to serve Him and has every intention of seeking His rl collar. i love Master and will be in His rl collar in 174 days. i love rau and SO look forward to serving Master with her. Sounds perfect, right? No problem. Only Master and rau never seem to communicate with one another and i worry about their lack of interaction. i guess i have a preconceived notion of what their relationship should be and it doesn't fit that framework. If it's working for them, i should leave it alone. It's a non-issue, something i am choosing to stress about without sound reason. But i'm not sure it IS working for them. i feel as if i want to be facilitating something but also know it's not my place to do so. rau will be a superlative rl slave but she's not necessarily suited to being an online one in a way that fits Master's tendency toward down time. i don't know. i love and want and need them both. i guess i'm just worried because rau is so important to me.
Well, no snappy ending again but i do feel as if i got out whatever had been building in my mind. One of my dreams this morning was having lost my car keys and being unable to find them and not knowing what to do. Maybe this expression of writing was all i actually needed to find and enough of an outlet that i don't need to do much more than that. Yeah right! As if things would ever be that simple. i think i'll just end this here, sit back, and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
i have no idea what i may have dreamed this morning but i woke up dead certain that there is no way i can or will stop the picking. i was at the point where i'm dead certain that, had i seen Master, i'd have told Him i can't come to Him rl because of it. It's really bad. Maybe if He'd give me some part that's okay to pick at i'd be okay but stopping cold turkey just has me unable to think of anything except wanting to pick. Even medications from my shrink have never been able to touch this OCD piece. i guess it can't stop until i believe it can and i'm willing to let go of it. i'm not sure how to find that state within my head and i know i'm resisting it.
i think i dreamed that i got whipped for being a bitch to lucy today. Could happen. i didn't care in the dream and i don't now. One of my recurrent issues with Master is His continuing ties to those involved in conflicts from His past. i love Him dearly. He has my undivided loyalty. i would NEVER show ANY hesitance to side with Him publicly and defend Him to the death. i have never shied away from speaking or acting on His behalf.
The thing is, He invites the conflict upon Himself with the actions He takes and i've also never been willing to blindly "yes" Him and lead Him to believe i think otherwise. He has been savagely hurt and egregiously wronged. There is no question as to that. But that makes Him feel justified in doing things which perpetuate the problems. Those with whom He has conflicts also feel wronged and justified so it's an unending pissing match which gets very tiresome. It makes Him cranky. It makes Him unreasonable. It makes Him doubt me.
i know that life with Master is based upon His agenda and certainly not mine. It is His right to act in ways i find irritating just as it is His right to be cranky and unreasonable and doubtful of me. That doesn't make it any less pleasant for me to deal with especially since it has become so predictably cyclic at this point.
1. i watch Him make an aggressive move which He justifies based upon a comparably aggressive move which was made upon Him.
2. Then He backs off, feeling as if it is over with Him having gotten in "last licks".
3. Sooner or later the others inevitably retaliate which leaves Master infuriated, hurt, and rehashing old incidents. It also leaves Him sure they started with Him since He had backed off and His last move was justified. He never seems to look at the fact that the others feel equally justified, regardless of whether they have reason to do so.
4. Master rants and raves and vents His frustration, often on me. i bite my tongue but refuse to "yes" Him. If i do suggest He let it be over, He says i'm taking their side.
5. Master decides it is over once and for all... finally... period... and then feels compelled to make one "last" move which brings us right back to step one again.
It used to scare me when all this happened, to make me feel insecure and unsettled. Now it has gotten so perfunctory that it's almost boring, a non-event. i wouldn't even care if it didn't involve watching Master bring hurt upon Himself. i hate seeing Him in pain and He IS in pain when the past is revisited and new difficulties transpire. i used to think the solution was as elementary as His just ceasing to make another move, biting the bullet, being the bigger person, and just letting it end. It's only recently that i've realized i was wrong about this. It is not as simple as that because Master and those from His past travel in many of the same circles online and there is significant overlap in who knows whom. To avoid individuals common to both Him and them would be an impossibility at this point without His seriously curtailing His activities. There is a huge ripple effect and it is inevitable that someone does something that impacts the other. Feelings are hurt, toes thought to be stepped upon, and the cycle continues. It is what it is but i needed to vent about it.
That brings me to the last item on my list of things i've wanted to blog about. That item is rau. Master says He loves rau and wants her and has every intention of collaring her rl. rau says she loves Master and wants to serve Him and has every intention of seeking His rl collar. i love Master and will be in His rl collar in 174 days. i love rau and SO look forward to serving Master with her. Sounds perfect, right? No problem. Only Master and rau never seem to communicate with one another and i worry about their lack of interaction. i guess i have a preconceived notion of what their relationship should be and it doesn't fit that framework. If it's working for them, i should leave it alone. It's a non-issue, something i am choosing to stress about without sound reason. But i'm not sure it IS working for them. i feel as if i want to be facilitating something but also know it's not my place to do so. rau will be a superlative rl slave but she's not necessarily suited to being an online one in a way that fits Master's tendency toward down time. i don't know. i love and want and need them both. i guess i'm just worried because rau is so important to me.
Well, no snappy ending again but i do feel as if i got out whatever had been building in my mind. One of my dreams this morning was having lost my car keys and being unable to find them and not knowing what to do. Maybe this expression of writing was all i actually needed to find and enough of an outlet that i don't need to do much more than that. Yeah right! As if things would ever be that simple. i think i'll just end this here, sit back, and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
Ordered to Blog
Master ordered me to blog for the first time in a long while. i had lots of issues and thoughts and feelings popping up today and they definitely affected my mood and attitude and behavior. Master hasn't punished me in a long time. He's really trying not to have to and i'm really trying not to push Him into doing so. Today was close. i argued. i didn't address Him respectfully. i was aloof.
i don't know where to start, i guess because it's been so long since i last blogged. i guess rl is the place to begin. Nothing has changed exactly. The boys continue to rage daily with verbal aggression and violence if not physical. They were away in Florida all week though and it gave me a new perspective on things. When they were leaving, they made a point of saying sappy goodbyes to me. Kisses and hugs and "i love you"s and the works. When they left i was actually a little sad. i missed them immediately. But i also realized that it wasn't them that i missed. It was that tiny glimpse of who they had the potential to be but seldom were, the glimpse they graced me with just before they left. Within twenty-four hours of returning home, their best behavior had already given way to outbursts and i was again relegated to isolating in my room and avoiding them.
i guess the whole thing just made me realize more than i had that we will miss each other. It is usually so hostile here that i forget there is a part of me that loves them. Leaving them will hurt. i had lost sight of that. And i had lost sight of the fact that they love me and i am about to hurt them greatly. i think i'd come to believe they wouldn't care about my leaving but i realize that they will. They brought me back gifts from Florida. They weren't carelessly chosen airport junk but items that the boys had clearly put thought into selecting especially for me. i feel guilty. There's no way around that. i don't question my decision to leave but i do feel like crap for making it.
i had a very vivid and very scary nightmare while napping this afternoon. i don't recall all the details of it right down to the dialogue as i often do with my dreams. i know what happened in it more than i actually recall it happening, with the exception of some snippets of visual memory. The boys were acting out in it and j and i called the police. When the police came, they wouldn't help us. They just blamed us for everything that was going wrong with the boys. i'm not sure how one thing led to another in the dream but i was high up in a tower of a building and wanted to kill myself. i wanted to jump and people were trying to stop me, to convince me and to trick me so i wouldn't jump. i don't recall what happened but i think i must have died because i woke up absolutely petrified and disoriented. i walked around the house trying to convince myself i was really there and checking clocks and media to see what time it was and even what day. It was a while before i really felt as if i had fully shaken off the dream and was awake and okay.
It's easy enough to know where that dream came from. j and i, but mostly i, have been blamed by police and hospitals and schools and just about everyone over the years. i blame myself too. i know i'm totally inadequate as a mother and, at times, have been worse than useless. i've been a catalyst for problems. i've mistreated the boys. i was totally unequipped for parenting, let alone parenting these two boys. i didn't foresee it. No one did. Even my shrink was all for the adoption at the time. But, over the years, i added to their trauma rather than helping them heal and, in the very depths of depression hell, i even plotted heinous things. It was years ago but it terrifies me still. i'm not just leaving because i can't do good by them. i'm leaving because, when i plummet to rock bottom, i'm capable of harming them. i can't relive those days and hope we all somehow manage to get through them again. What if we don't next time? Knowing i'm leaving makes living here bearable, not good much of the time, but tolerable.
The other component of my home life is j. i was sort of sad when he left also, but not as much as with the boys. he was home for an extra day after they had gone to Florida and he and i didn't interact any more than we do when they are home. Then he returned and was home about two days before they got home since their flight was cancelled by the inclement weather. he and i were at each other's throats almost from the second he arrived home. he always looks sad and hurt when he sees i'm not interested in his company and i hate seeing him that way. i am very careful not to lead him on though. i've slept in my office for the past month. No sex. Minimal interaction. i really feel very little for him at this point though.
we were so in love once. we were the perfect couple. Parenting consumed all of that and just left that love in its wake, destroyed. At least that's what it feels like from my point of view. Maybe there was a time we could have saved things but we are years past that time now. There's a lot of good in him and i pray that he finds someone to love him as he deserves, as i can't. The fact is i'm leaving a man who treats me like gold, is entirely faithful, is a devoted parent, has held down a full-time job for years, does housework, and many other qualities that the single female friends i have would kill for. But i can't get along with him and don't feel very much for him and see our nightmarish history when i look at him. And he and i are wholly incapable of parenting together.
All of that has been on my mind, awake and asleep. Then Master started talking today about some bondage situations that were starting to freak me out. The thing is, i really didn't even realize that they were getting to me. i think i was still stunned from the nightmare at that time. Had i told Him i was finding them upsetting, we would have talked about it and He would have reassured me about what concerned me. i didn't tell Him because i didn't know myself.
The subject moved on to physical punishment and then segued into physical hurt i inflict upon myself. i haven't cut in a long time, maybe last spring. But i pick at things like fingernails and scratches to the point of making them bleed... a LOT... constantly. i'm not even conscious of it half the time. It's second nature to me to be picking and to have my trash filled with bloody tissues. Master said i have to stop. This nearly put me over the edge because i don't think i can and the idea of it scares me. It's disgusting and there are times i've been in absolute agony and even barely able to walk from what i've done, though not recently. Still, the idea of stopping is almost more than i can handle. Cutting myself was different because it was only a now-and-then thing. This is all day, every day. Yikes!
Master said it's self-destructive and it is. i know that. But so is overeating, not getting enough sleep, consuming too much caffeine, going out in the sun, driving too fast, and just about everything that everyone does every day. Everything we inhale and ingest and do is a danger in some way. Master was not about to tolerate continued arguing so i stopped. Stopping has been easy of late but it wasn't today. i really had to force myself. i've refrained from arguing recently because i've wanted to please Master. Today i refrained because i wanted to avoid punishment. There's a real difference in how that feels.
i guess i've said enough for now although i'm already thinking ahead to another blog entry i probably need to get down in black and white. No brilliant ending ending this time.
i don't know where to start, i guess because it's been so long since i last blogged. i guess rl is the place to begin. Nothing has changed exactly. The boys continue to rage daily with verbal aggression and violence if not physical. They were away in Florida all week though and it gave me a new perspective on things. When they were leaving, they made a point of saying sappy goodbyes to me. Kisses and hugs and "i love you"s and the works. When they left i was actually a little sad. i missed them immediately. But i also realized that it wasn't them that i missed. It was that tiny glimpse of who they had the potential to be but seldom were, the glimpse they graced me with just before they left. Within twenty-four hours of returning home, their best behavior had already given way to outbursts and i was again relegated to isolating in my room and avoiding them.
i guess the whole thing just made me realize more than i had that we will miss each other. It is usually so hostile here that i forget there is a part of me that loves them. Leaving them will hurt. i had lost sight of that. And i had lost sight of the fact that they love me and i am about to hurt them greatly. i think i'd come to believe they wouldn't care about my leaving but i realize that they will. They brought me back gifts from Florida. They weren't carelessly chosen airport junk but items that the boys had clearly put thought into selecting especially for me. i feel guilty. There's no way around that. i don't question my decision to leave but i do feel like crap for making it.
i had a very vivid and very scary nightmare while napping this afternoon. i don't recall all the details of it right down to the dialogue as i often do with my dreams. i know what happened in it more than i actually recall it happening, with the exception of some snippets of visual memory. The boys were acting out in it and j and i called the police. When the police came, they wouldn't help us. They just blamed us for everything that was going wrong with the boys. i'm not sure how one thing led to another in the dream but i was high up in a tower of a building and wanted to kill myself. i wanted to jump and people were trying to stop me, to convince me and to trick me so i wouldn't jump. i don't recall what happened but i think i must have died because i woke up absolutely petrified and disoriented. i walked around the house trying to convince myself i was really there and checking clocks and media to see what time it was and even what day. It was a while before i really felt as if i had fully shaken off the dream and was awake and okay.
It's easy enough to know where that dream came from. j and i, but mostly i, have been blamed by police and hospitals and schools and just about everyone over the years. i blame myself too. i know i'm totally inadequate as a mother and, at times, have been worse than useless. i've been a catalyst for problems. i've mistreated the boys. i was totally unequipped for parenting, let alone parenting these two boys. i didn't foresee it. No one did. Even my shrink was all for the adoption at the time. But, over the years, i added to their trauma rather than helping them heal and, in the very depths of depression hell, i even plotted heinous things. It was years ago but it terrifies me still. i'm not just leaving because i can't do good by them. i'm leaving because, when i plummet to rock bottom, i'm capable of harming them. i can't relive those days and hope we all somehow manage to get through them again. What if we don't next time? Knowing i'm leaving makes living here bearable, not good much of the time, but tolerable.
The other component of my home life is j. i was sort of sad when he left also, but not as much as with the boys. he was home for an extra day after they had gone to Florida and he and i didn't interact any more than we do when they are home. Then he returned and was home about two days before they got home since their flight was cancelled by the inclement weather. he and i were at each other's throats almost from the second he arrived home. he always looks sad and hurt when he sees i'm not interested in his company and i hate seeing him that way. i am very careful not to lead him on though. i've slept in my office for the past month. No sex. Minimal interaction. i really feel very little for him at this point though.
we were so in love once. we were the perfect couple. Parenting consumed all of that and just left that love in its wake, destroyed. At least that's what it feels like from my point of view. Maybe there was a time we could have saved things but we are years past that time now. There's a lot of good in him and i pray that he finds someone to love him as he deserves, as i can't. The fact is i'm leaving a man who treats me like gold, is entirely faithful, is a devoted parent, has held down a full-time job for years, does housework, and many other qualities that the single female friends i have would kill for. But i can't get along with him and don't feel very much for him and see our nightmarish history when i look at him. And he and i are wholly incapable of parenting together.
All of that has been on my mind, awake and asleep. Then Master started talking today about some bondage situations that were starting to freak me out. The thing is, i really didn't even realize that they were getting to me. i think i was still stunned from the nightmare at that time. Had i told Him i was finding them upsetting, we would have talked about it and He would have reassured me about what concerned me. i didn't tell Him because i didn't know myself.
The subject moved on to physical punishment and then segued into physical hurt i inflict upon myself. i haven't cut in a long time, maybe last spring. But i pick at things like fingernails and scratches to the point of making them bleed... a LOT... constantly. i'm not even conscious of it half the time. It's second nature to me to be picking and to have my trash filled with bloody tissues. Master said i have to stop. This nearly put me over the edge because i don't think i can and the idea of it scares me. It's disgusting and there are times i've been in absolute agony and even barely able to walk from what i've done, though not recently. Still, the idea of stopping is almost more than i can handle. Cutting myself was different because it was only a now-and-then thing. This is all day, every day. Yikes!
Master said it's self-destructive and it is. i know that. But so is overeating, not getting enough sleep, consuming too much caffeine, going out in the sun, driving too fast, and just about everything that everyone does every day. Everything we inhale and ingest and do is a danger in some way. Master was not about to tolerate continued arguing so i stopped. Stopping has been easy of late but it wasn't today. i really had to force myself. i've refrained from arguing recently because i've wanted to please Master. Today i refrained because i wanted to avoid punishment. There's a real difference in how that feels.
i guess i've said enough for now although i'm already thinking ahead to another blog entry i probably need to get down in black and white. No brilliant ending ending this time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)