A Lot on my Mind and NOT Wanting to Blog

Well, those are the sure signs i need to blog so here goes:

Wow. i don't even know where to start. First of all... To v or not to v. That is the question. The others who have left Master haven't come back, i haven't care about them, and/or they'd burned bridges in my mind and i'd never given them another real chance anyhow. And then there's v, in a class unto herself. she returned, no bridges burned, and i forced myself to give her another chance.

i say that i forced myself because it did take effort. i was on the fence and consciously decided to look past the recent history and regard her like the old v. It was fun just being stupid and silly with her. It felt good. But then yesterday when she misbehaved, it made me worry about her leaving again or only being back in a half-assed sort of way again. For some it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Screw that. If it's ultimately going to hurt me, i'd rather avoid it altogether right from the start.

i do realize what a hypocrite i am. When i was misbehaving every twelve seconds, v never wavered in how she regarded me, at least not TO me. i'm tempted to expound upon how things were totally different in those instances, and they WERE in many ways, but i also know my tendency to think that things are different for everyone else than they are for me which is just a little too REALLY-FUCKING-ARROGANT for my comfort. i'm trying to avoid that, now and in general.

In any case, the real v is back... i think... or is she... and for how long? These are some of the questions weighing on my mind along with the implications of the potential answers. What will they mean for Master and for me? And as the countdown dwindles, everything seems all the more important. This is one of those only-time-will-tell situations though, a waiting game. i hate those!

Also on my mind is rau. Something is up with her but i have absolutely no idea what. It's not any one things. i know the details and challenges of her real life, at least as far as she has shared them. i don't know if she's depressed or preoccupied or we're growing apart or what. i miss her! i miss the rau i used to spend time with. i fear that it was my own shortcomings which alienated her.

i didn't contact her yesterday nor did she contact me. i'm not sure why. i wanted to contact her but it seems as if i've been initiating it a lot lately and maybe i'm pushing her toward something she no longer wants. she didn't respond to my last two texts. On the other hand, there had been times when i was a mess and she absolutely continued to contact and reassure me. i love her and want her and need her. i question none of that and hope she knows it. i need to tell her so that she WILL know it. i just don't want to inflict myself on her if that is not her wish and she is too nice to make it known more blatantly. If she is struggling at a personal level that has nothing to do with me then i will absolutely help her ride it out and be there as she does and after. i just don't know and i'm not even certain she does.

i guess those are the biggest parts of what's bothering me, at least the ones which i feel safe blogging about. i owe Master thanks for allowing me to kennel last night, even though i didn't sign off until an hour later, rather than pushing me to talk about what was bothering me. In that hour, i calmed down a lot and figured out what some of the things on that list were. i might have been unable to do so had He not and i fear that i might have been belligerent to Him which is NOT my wish.

i still need to express some feelings about other things but this will have to do for now. A nap awaits. The futon beckons.