i don't know what it is and i don't know what to do about it but it has been building for several days and it is threatening to destroy everything. The thing is... i WANT it to. i just want to ruin everything and it has taken every bit of self-control to refrain from doing just that. i want to get fired from work. i want to curse out Master. i want to just sever every tie i have anywhere.
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After i wrote that, Master IMed me. He tried to understand what i'm feeling and to help me. i didn't let HIm. i countered everything He said with something disrespectful, confrontational, and oppositional. i flat out told Him "no". i said that nothing was real in my life including Him. i told Him i didn't care what He did to me. When i felt He MIGHT have been alluding to taking my collar, i told Him to take it and i signed off.
i signed back on almost instantly but, even then, there were shadows of my belligerent self lurking. i begged to stay in His collar because somewhere inside, the rational me knew she'd be lost without it, without Him. i feel possessed, as if everything is surreal. Even sounds don't sound like they should. Sensations don't feel as they should. Nothing looks quite right. It's all askew, everything, only JUST enough for me to know that it's not as it should be. i don't know how to explain it. It's almost like i'm hallucinating. Maybe i am. It's not just my thoughts but my perceptions, my sensory observations. i'm so screwed up. There should be some sanity requirement for kajirae. i'd never meet it.
Master wants to know the reason behind my egregious behavior. i have a couple of theories beyond the obvious fact that i'm just out of my mind in general and the chemicals must be flaring this week. One is that i don't cope well with changes. i never have. i've always been someone who was more apt to remain in a situation which sucked rather than venturing into the risky unknown to seek out a better one. Seems a bit incongruous with going to Master, doesn't it?
i'm starting to more acutely feel the stress of that upcoming change. That has resulted in all the smaller changes feeling grossly magnified. Everything with Master's many SL lives and with v and with rau have seemed a lot bigger than they probably should. No one thing has bothered me a great deal but i think the cumulative total has me totally overwhelmed. Also, the enormity of going to Master and the changes that will entail has been hitting home in new ways. i discussed with a colleague details of terminating my job and that was upsetting. A lot of things that i had put off as "thens" are becoming "nows" and it is very hard to drag myself through the discomfort of them every day.
That is what is going on with me. What has been going on with Master is that He has been absolutely amazing lately. He has been so giving of Himself and incredibly patient and understanding with me. He has gone out of His way to be generous with His time and liberal with His tolerance. He has opted to allow me all i've asked in terms of freedoms and privileges, seldom refusing any of my requests.
i'm ashamed of how i treated Him today. He was encouraging me and i struck out at HIm. He was praising me for fighting off the bleakness in a way i've never been able or willing before. In return, i did not treat Him as Master. i didn't even address Him as Master. i just tried to shut Him out but that's not possible. He is such an integral part of who i am today, on and offline.
Beyond the threat of having my collar taken, beyond the threat of punishment -a great deal of which i'm sure will be forthcoming including the whip -, i am aching foremost because i hurt Him. It wasn't even in the heat of a fight, which would still be unacceptable since Master is right simply by virtue of being Master. It was while He was trying to help me gain self-awareness and appreciate my gains and combat the lingering depression that He has already helped me with so much.
A kajira does not treat her Master as i did Him, not EVER. He inherently deserves better because He is Master but, beyond that, taking His due status off the table for the moment, He has earned better. i don't mean that Master needs to earn appropriate treatment from me. He most definitely does not, nor does any Master from His kajira. i guess what i'm trying to say is that if His being Master didn't already dictate the level of respect due Him, which it does, His actions would have earned Him that respect many times over anyhow.
He has borne the brunt of many of my tantrums and bouts of depression and seen me through incredible strife, guiding me so that i could handle it as i never have before. i have not cut once since being in Master's collar. How dare i take the help He tried to offer today and turn around to mistreat Him? He knows better than i do. i trust Him. He has given me a new world, one with love and hope. Yet i still lost sight of that and was totally rude and combative with Him.
i thought that was over. i'd expected and demanded better of myself on His behalf and had delivered for a little while. This fall hurts. my own notecard applies to me. i did everything i warn everyone else not to do and i feel totally unworthy. i told Master that i couldn't feel anything earlier, that i couldn't even cry. Well, my tears are flowing now. i am so sorry for how i treated HIm. i know i have to be careful here because feeling this bad makes me want to kill or cut myself. rau just called and i hung up. i couldn't even talk, just started crying harder.
My Master, i beg your forgiveness for letting ANYTHING get in the way of my absolute obedience toward you which includes the respect which i am to show you at all times. i offer thanks to you for seeing fit to allowing me to remain in your collar and embrace whatever punishments you choose to inflict upon me. They are deserved. i recognize You as my owner, and He who is both right and in charge of my every action. i want and need nothing beyond being yours so that i may serve You and, in doing so, continue to grow as i can only at Your kneel. i beg You, my Master, to give me opportunity to show You that i mean what i say. my attitude is gone. Property does not have an attitude. Property obeys absolutely and with respect.
i love you, my Master.
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