Familiarity if not Comfort

Well, i've been catapulted back to a state i know well, though not from recent months. Master is rightfully furious with me and i don't know how long that will last or what the repercussions will be. i fell asleep before and when i woke up for just a moment i felt better than i have in days. Then the memories of what i'd done flooded back in. But for a moment i knew that the state of insane delirium had been broken and i was myself again.

Ossy IMed me trying to help but she wound up saying something that i totally and unfairly went off on her for. i cursed at her like a little kid. i was just so emotionally spent that i couldn't even formulate a more appropriate response. Master IMed me right afterward, as i had begun this blog, and i told Him what i'd done. i knew He wouldn't like it but i was so happy that He was even willing to talk to me. And somehow there's something that feels reassuring about confessing to Him.

He told me to IM an apology to Ossy which i would have done anyway. He had me frame it in terms of my being out of line for talking to her as i had because she is Free and i am slave. That isn't how i would have framed it, largely because i don't think Ossy will be as receptive to it as to one that was stated differently. It didn't matter. Master ordered it, i obeyed. Serenity. There is such a sense of peace in just unquestioningly obeying Him.

That made me think that maybe i lost my mind today, after a build-up of several days en route to doing so, in order to regain the feeling of security and ease that comes when i am in trouble with Master. Why don't i feel that way when everything is fine? i do feel it but not to this extent. i guess in any area of my life, i don't know how to cope with the good nearly as well as the bad. Being in trouble seems to fit me. Being in Master's good favor almost feels as if it isn't really me or should be someone else.

Before, after, even while under the whip, there is no doubt in my mind who is whom and where i belong. How do i find that without needing the punishment? It's not even the punishment. i think i actually want the punishment at this point. But how do i find that state of mind without victimizing Master or anyone else in order to get it? How do i let myself be successful as kajira, as anything, without ultimately sabotaging it?

i guess this ties into my not liking to be thanked or praised or things of that sort. i don't know what to do with the supposedly good feelings. i don't know how to feel them. They are so foreign and i am so inexperienced with them that i just can't even deal with them. That has been consistent in all areas of my life. This is just how it's playing out now. It's a hurdle i need to find a way to leap.

i'm also supposed to blog today about why i can't make a decision such as blowing off work without first seeking Master's approval. That is simple enough. i am His property. His truck doesn't decide whether to drive itself to work on any given day. Master does. Well i don't decide either. It is expected that i will go unless Master agrees otherwise. If i had been sick or had a legitimate excuse, it would have been different. i had spent time with Master fully intending to skip work and not mentioning it to Him. In retrospect, of course He was angered by that. It should have been easy enough for me to foresee. i won't make the error again and i'll generalize it to other situations.

i don't know what else to say right now except that i feel, for lack of a more appealing analogy, as if i'd been a festering wound for the past several days and now i'm oozing pus everywhere... pretty gross but on the road to recovering.