Sleep

i slept SO well when j and the boys were away but, since a day or two before they returned home, my sleep has been unrestful and interrupted and tainted with bad dreams. i stayed up until seven this morning because i didn't want to go to sleep. i hate it when i get into phases like that. my greatest respite becomes as much of an aggressor as my reality. Then i take the state of mind from my dream and carry it with me into my waking hours until i finally snap out of it, IF i snap out of it.

i have no idea what i may have dreamed this morning but i woke up dead certain that there is no way i can or will stop the picking. i was at the point where i'm dead certain that, had i seen Master, i'd have told Him i can't come to Him rl because of it. It's really bad. Maybe if He'd give me some part that's okay to pick at i'd be okay but stopping cold turkey just has me unable to think of anything except wanting to pick. Even medications from my shrink have never been able to touch this OCD piece. i guess it can't stop until i believe it can and i'm willing to let go of it. i'm not sure how to find that state within my head and i know i'm resisting it.

i think i dreamed that i got whipped for being a bitch to lucy today. Could happen. i didn't care in the dream and i don't now. One of my recurrent issues with Master is His continuing ties to those involved in conflicts from His past. i love Him dearly. He has my undivided loyalty. i would NEVER show ANY hesitance to side with Him publicly and defend Him to the death. i have never shied away from speaking or acting on His behalf.

The thing is, He invites the conflict upon Himself with the actions He takes and i've also never been willing to blindly "yes" Him and lead Him to believe i think otherwise. He has been savagely hurt and egregiously wronged. There is no question as to that. But that makes Him feel justified in doing things which perpetuate the problems. Those with whom He has conflicts also feel wronged and justified so it's an unending pissing match which gets very tiresome. It makes Him cranky. It makes Him unreasonable. It makes Him doubt me.

i know that life with Master is based upon His agenda and certainly not mine. It is His right to act in ways i find irritating just as it is His right to be cranky and unreasonable and doubtful of me. That doesn't make it any less pleasant for me to deal with especially since it has become so predictably cyclic at this point.

1. i watch Him make an aggressive move which He justifies based upon a comparably aggressive move which was made upon Him.

2. Then He backs off, feeling as if it is over with Him having gotten in "last licks".

3. Sooner or later the others inevitably retaliate which leaves Master infuriated, hurt, and rehashing old incidents. It also leaves Him sure they started with Him since He had backed off and His last move was justified. He never seems to look at the fact that the others feel equally justified, regardless of whether they have reason to do so.

4. Master rants and raves and vents His frustration, often on me. i bite my tongue but refuse to "yes" Him. If i do suggest He let it be over, He says i'm taking their side.

5. Master decides it is over once and for all... finally... period... and then feels compelled to make one "last" move which brings us right back to step one again.

It used to scare me when all this happened, to make me feel insecure and unsettled. Now it has gotten so perfunctory that it's almost boring, a non-event. i wouldn't even care if it didn't involve watching Master bring hurt upon Himself. i hate seeing Him in pain and He IS in pain when the past is revisited and new difficulties transpire. i used to think the solution was as elementary as His just ceasing to make another move, biting the bullet, being the bigger person, and just letting it end. It's only recently that i've realized i was wrong about this. It is not as simple as that because Master and those from His past travel in many of the same circles online and there is significant overlap in who knows whom. To avoid individuals common to both Him and them would be an impossibility at this point without His seriously curtailing His activities. There is a huge ripple effect and it is inevitable that someone does something that impacts the other. Feelings are hurt, toes thought to be stepped upon, and the cycle continues. It is what it is but i needed to vent about it.

That brings me to the last item on my list of things i've wanted to blog about. That item is rau. Master says He loves rau and wants her and has every intention of collaring her rl. rau says she loves Master and wants to serve Him and has every intention of seeking His rl collar. i love Master and will be in His rl collar in 174 days. i love rau and SO look forward to serving Master with her. Sounds perfect, right? No problem. Only Master and rau never seem to communicate with one another and i worry about their lack of interaction. i guess i have a preconceived notion of what their relationship should be and it doesn't fit that framework. If it's working for them, i should leave it alone. It's a non-issue, something i am choosing to stress about without sound reason. But i'm not sure it IS working for them. i feel as if i want to be facilitating something but also know it's not my place to do so. rau will be a superlative rl slave but she's not necessarily suited to being an online one in a way that fits Master's tendency toward down time. i don't know. i love and want and need them both. i guess i'm just worried because rau is so important to me.

Well, no snappy ending again but i do feel as if i got out whatever had been building in my mind. One of my dreams this morning was having lost my car keys and being unable to find them and not knowing what to do. Maybe this expression of writing was all i actually needed to find and enough of an outlet that i don't need to do much more than that. Yeah right! As if things would ever be that simple. i think i'll just end this here, sit back, and wait for the shit to hit the fan.