It's been on my mind a LOT lately, even before the reveal to lindy the other day. Tonight it came to the surface and i started crying so hard i couldn't even see through my tears to tell Master about it. i'm still crying, so hard and for so long that my face hurts. my jaw is aching. i've been crying all night about one thing or another and this is the only one that's not so fresh and so raw that i'm willing to commit it to writing at the moment. (A blog devoted to rau will come when i can contain my emotions enough to write it.)
i just went back and looked in old blog entries to figure out the exact date and was actually surprised to find out how long ago it was. It was nearly five months ago and is still haunting me and somehow i never consciously realized that i needed to address it and find some closure. Time doesn't heal all wounds simply by virtue of its passage. Some need addressing.
i guess it's the one time Master has truly hurt me. And it still hurts. Daily. i'm not sure why it still hurts as much as it does but maybe i'll figure that out by the time i finish writing this. Maybe it's simply because He doesn't even know. we were talking about getting hurt and i mentioned it to Him and He guessed it was when v left. The weird thing about that was that everyone else got all outraged on my behalf and i had never really been all that upset over it.
This was back when Master and v had created alts and were spending time under other names without the rest of us knowing about it. That was a lot to deal with for me because it is VERY hard for me to accept dishonesty or deception and still go on trusting those who have been perpetuating it. Once they did reveal it, it was also the first time i was dealing with the idea of Master in a female SL form.
i had a very hard time with that then, more than i would admit even to myself, although now i think nothing of His being Master or slave or vampire or female or shemale or anything. They are all facets of Him but i guess i needed to learn that through experience. i felt like a female alt made Him less of who He is. i was bewildered. i didn't know how to redefine the conception i had of Him.
If He was Master in His male avi and Mistress in His female one, then what the hell was i supposed to call Him on Yahoo? i didn't know and didn't want to ask. i'm not sure why. Maybe i felt as if i SHOULD have known, as if not knowing made me not okay with it, as if it revealed the discomfort i didn't want to be feeling and thought i had to keep hidden then.
So, in a conversation with Master on Yahoo, i avoided addressing Him in ANY way. He said something like, "Are you going to add 'Master' in there somewhere?". i responded with, "Am i talking to Him?". i don't recall the rest of the conversation but i'm sure i was obnoxious and disrespectful. It would be consistent with how i acted at the time to assume as much. Master set me straight and sentenced me to a whipping.
It wasn't the first time i'd been whipped but it might have been the second and i'm pretty sure it was my first time on the posts. i remember feeling more confused than remorseful. i really hadn't known how i was supposed to act so i didn't feel as if i'd done anything as terrible as Master seemed to think i had. It was unchartered territory for me but i'd never let on how disorienting i'd found it.
Besides, after feeling as if i'd been without Master for a while, having Him acting like Master was welcome even if it meant a whipping. i hated the idea of His anger and of the whipping but it felt so good to have Him "back" and acting within the parameters of the only facet of HIm i knew at that time. He IMed me, sent me to the gor sims He owned at the time, and told me He'd be there shortly to deliver my beating. i remember His words.
It felt kind of surreal because He had explained things to me beforehand in a way i finally understood. i had felt abandoned until we spoke but then, afterward, i felt loved again. And then He showed up to whip me. That would have been okay, i think, but He did it with so much apparent anger and loathing.
i had freaked out the previous time He whipped me because He had threatened my collar and it was a threat i hadn't been able to cope with at the time. This time He didn't threaten my collar and i knew it was because i'd gotten so hysterical the last time. Most people/kajirae don't regard being whipped on SL as i do. It's just pixels and rp to them. It isn't to me. It's scary and extremely unpleasant. It makes me cry irl.
This whipping was amazingly violent and cruel. i was traumatized by it and i've been carrying that with me since. It lasted a long time and Master was so vicious during and after it. He called me "meat" when He left me hanging on the whipping posts and said something like "Have fun drying in the sun".
It was all the more confusing because Master had been so loving in IM before the whipping, then He was filled with hostility during it, and i expected it to be better afterwards. But it wasn't. Or at least it didn't feel as if it was. i was SO upset by it. i felt as if He had stopped loving me. i felt as if i was starting from scratch in earning His love and trust again. i was deeply hurt and felt victimized but i didn't know Him well enough then to know what to do with those feelings. i didn't think i could tell Him, partly because i didn't want it to seem as if i was whining about being punished but mostly because He already seemed so disgusted with me that i was terrified of angering Him further.
i spent several days on the posts, a few minutes off, and then two more days on them and ultimately didn't even want to come off them by the time i was allowed to. And the two extra days on them made no sense to me, not that they had to, but in the context of everything else they just made me feel more attacked and rejected than simply punished. Master had ordered me to blog and to tell Him when i had done so. i blogged and was about to tell Him but He got to me first and said i hadn't followed His direction and so He was adding two more days to my time on the posts. i explained that i had just entered it and was about to tell Him but He said the extra two days stood since i had let Him check with the expectation of finding a blog... or something like that. It was a long time ago. i felt like He was just looking for a reason to be mean to me. It is the only time i have ever felt that from Him. To this day, i IM Him every single time i write a blog entry because of that incident.
Given all of that, the fact that Master had stripped me of being FG was crushing. It wasn't the title, just that i felt so entirely worthless in His eyes. The fact that i never got the role back made it feel as if my punishment never ended, as if i could never regain in any real way the regard with which He had once viewed me. i had screwed up and lost a privilege but instead of it being for a period of time like when He grounded me, it was forever. It wasn't the privilege i wanted back, just to feel as if i was no longer being punished, as if i was no less to Him than i had been before. It was a LONG time before i felt anything even close to that.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Cut the Crap, nou. It's Time!
i wasn't in the best of moods earlier and hadn't even realized how utterly exhausted i was and am. A lot of things are weighing on my mind and many of them are significant and reasonable things about which to be worried. So Master ordered me to blog, and i began to, but i was so wiped out that i could barely get the words out. Master allowed me to nap and i woke up JUST in time for American Idol. i had actually been so tired that i couldn't even bring myself to set an alarm before napping. THAT is tired!
The blog i had briefly begun before my nap was going to expand upon the stressors plaguing my mind. Maybe this blog will do the same. i'm not sure yet. What stands out, though, are my own relatively-minor-yet-obnoxious-nonetheless responses to Master. He told me to tell Him what was bothering me. my response was "just stuff" until He coaxed me into revealing the specifics. He told me to come out of the cage that is my current spot. i asked "all the way?". He told me to blog. i told Him that i had already "verbally blogged" to Him when i told Him what was on my mind.
Um? i don't think so! i know better than to play these games and make it necessary for Master to repeat or clarify orders which should be and are perfectly clear. If i watched another kajira respond as i had, i'd find her behavior irritating and punishment worthy. i finally know better than to refuse Master or overtly argue but i have really just learned to sugar coat those same tendencies into slightly more appropriate ones. It's time to shed these now too. He commands. i obey. That means without stalling or qualification or a bitchy display of will just to make it blatant that i am not happy about doing so.
There are countless things i love about Master and endless reasons i know He is THE Master for me. A major one, perhaps ultimately the greatest reason of all, is the fact that i am absolutely unable to manipulate Him or get the slightest thing by Him. Of all His many qualities, this one stands out to me because He is the only one i have ever met about whom i can make that statement. i have no delusions about earlier either. He knew exactly what i was doing and chose to tolerate it, at least at that time. He could have called me on it then and may well plan to punish me for it later.
Still, i feel as if acting as i did is an attempt at manipulation of sorts. This isn't physically gor. Master has power because i have submitted myself to Him and, in doing so, given Him that power. Little, nonsense, cranky, bullshit, acting out, annoying responses like my earlier ones are tiny attempts to challenge Master's power or even usurp a bit of it. On one hand, i am confident i would not get away with doing so very much or for very long. On the other hand, if i were to succeed in doing so i would destroy the very dynamic which makes Him Master and my ideal Master at that!
So, i can't and i won't. He commands. i obey. Period.
i beg forgiveness, my Master, for not granting you the absolute obedience which is your due.
The blog i had briefly begun before my nap was going to expand upon the stressors plaguing my mind. Maybe this blog will do the same. i'm not sure yet. What stands out, though, are my own relatively-minor-yet-obnoxious-nonetheless responses to Master. He told me to tell Him what was bothering me. my response was "just stuff" until He coaxed me into revealing the specifics. He told me to come out of the cage that is my current spot. i asked "all the way?". He told me to blog. i told Him that i had already "verbally blogged" to Him when i told Him what was on my mind.
Um? i don't think so! i know better than to play these games and make it necessary for Master to repeat or clarify orders which should be and are perfectly clear. If i watched another kajira respond as i had, i'd find her behavior irritating and punishment worthy. i finally know better than to refuse Master or overtly argue but i have really just learned to sugar coat those same tendencies into slightly more appropriate ones. It's time to shed these now too. He commands. i obey. That means without stalling or qualification or a bitchy display of will just to make it blatant that i am not happy about doing so.
There are countless things i love about Master and endless reasons i know He is THE Master for me. A major one, perhaps ultimately the greatest reason of all, is the fact that i am absolutely unable to manipulate Him or get the slightest thing by Him. Of all His many qualities, this one stands out to me because He is the only one i have ever met about whom i can make that statement. i have no delusions about earlier either. He knew exactly what i was doing and chose to tolerate it, at least at that time. He could have called me on it then and may well plan to punish me for it later.
Still, i feel as if acting as i did is an attempt at manipulation of sorts. This isn't physically gor. Master has power because i have submitted myself to Him and, in doing so, given Him that power. Little, nonsense, cranky, bullshit, acting out, annoying responses like my earlier ones are tiny attempts to challenge Master's power or even usurp a bit of it. On one hand, i am confident i would not get away with doing so very much or for very long. On the other hand, if i were to succeed in doing so i would destroy the very dynamic which makes Him Master and my ideal Master at that!
So, i can't and i won't. He commands. i obey. Period.
i beg forgiveness, my Master, for not granting you the absolute obedience which is your due.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dishing It Out Versus Taking It
Master teased me last night. i took it entirely seriously and got EXTREMELY upset... disproportionately upset... i'm-not-coming-to-You-rl-ready-to-remove-my-collar upset. i was so caught up in freaking out that i had zero perspective on what i was doing until it was too late. Then i realized my error pretty quickly but didn't dare sign back on and ask to blog at that point. Master said kennel so i forced myself to get some sleep. Something about Master ordering me to kennel inevitably seems to cut through insomnia.
i'm the first one to tease others and i'm indiscriminate about whether my teasing targets a hot-button issue. That's not even true. i intentionally select hot-button issues. i am quite adept at finding them, recalling them, and zeroing in on them mercilessly. It's funny when it's me doing the teasing and those who can't take it are all the more ridicule-worthy in my mind.
When the tables are turned, i run hot and cold. i never used to realize this. i was sure i could take it as well as i dished it out. And sometimes i can. If i'm not overtired which i was yesterday, if i'm not totally self-absorbed which i was yesterday, if it's not in the area of one of my own hot-button issues which it was yesterday... if Jupiter aligns with Mars and peace guides my mouth. Otherwise love does not steer the stars nor my reaction.
Master teased me. So? Why shouldn't He? i tease everyone all the time including Him. He picked a VERY hot-button issue but one He had no way of knowing was one. Caught in another frame of mind, i might have had no problem going along with it anyhow. In retrospect, it was so blatantly teasing. In my state of mind, i truly had no idea and freaked out entirely. i was crying and got very upset. i was completely unaware that i had been in a mood which lent itself to misinterpretation and disproportionate reaction. i was furious with Master. i was miles off base! He hadn't meant to upset me or to be harsh at all. i'd been silent through it so He had no idea how i was taking it and, as soon as He realized, He was very sweet about reassuring me. i refused to hear Him.
i wanted to say all sorts of very disrespectful things to Him but controlled it enough to just ask to kennel. At one point He said "Fine, kennel. I'm going to bed" or something to that effect. Then He went invisible. i don't know whether He actually signed off or not. In any case, i remained on playing a mindless game to calm myself down. i hadn't interpreted His words as an order to kennel but as granting permission to my request if i still wanted to kennel. He signed back on a few minutes later and told me that He'd ordered me to kennel and to do so. i was still furious and did NOT want to obey. They thought of the whip swayed my decision and i did so anyhow, forcing myself.
As i lay on the futon, the reality of the situation became clear to me in a matter of seconds. i was worried that Master thought i'd purposely disobeyed Him in not kenneling the first time He said it which hadn't been my intention. i VERY much wanted to get back up immediately and beg permission to blog but i thought that would seem all the more deliberately disobedient so i forced myself to rest. Not that i was aware of it at the time, but Master was right about my needing the rest.
So, my Master, i beg forgiveness for being unable to take what should have been obvious as teasing last night. i beg forgiveness for not accepting your very indulgent explanation of it immediately afterward. i beg forgiveness for seemingly disobeying you though that truly was never my intention. i beg forgiveness for forgetting rule two even if my skewed perspective had been accurate.
Had i been watching another kajira react as i had, i'd have been HIGHLY critical of her. i need to be more willing to subject myself to the standard i apply to others. i hadn't realized that i don't but i definitely see that now. It's one more area to add to my list of things that need work. My Master, girl begs forgiveness for her many imperfections and offers thanks for Your guidance in helping her to improve upon them.
i'm the first one to tease others and i'm indiscriminate about whether my teasing targets a hot-button issue. That's not even true. i intentionally select hot-button issues. i am quite adept at finding them, recalling them, and zeroing in on them mercilessly. It's funny when it's me doing the teasing and those who can't take it are all the more ridicule-worthy in my mind.
When the tables are turned, i run hot and cold. i never used to realize this. i was sure i could take it as well as i dished it out. And sometimes i can. If i'm not overtired which i was yesterday, if i'm not totally self-absorbed which i was yesterday, if it's not in the area of one of my own hot-button issues which it was yesterday... if Jupiter aligns with Mars and peace guides my mouth. Otherwise love does not steer the stars nor my reaction.
Master teased me. So? Why shouldn't He? i tease everyone all the time including Him. He picked a VERY hot-button issue but one He had no way of knowing was one. Caught in another frame of mind, i might have had no problem going along with it anyhow. In retrospect, it was so blatantly teasing. In my state of mind, i truly had no idea and freaked out entirely. i was crying and got very upset. i was completely unaware that i had been in a mood which lent itself to misinterpretation and disproportionate reaction. i was furious with Master. i was miles off base! He hadn't meant to upset me or to be harsh at all. i'd been silent through it so He had no idea how i was taking it and, as soon as He realized, He was very sweet about reassuring me. i refused to hear Him.
i wanted to say all sorts of very disrespectful things to Him but controlled it enough to just ask to kennel. At one point He said "Fine, kennel. I'm going to bed" or something to that effect. Then He went invisible. i don't know whether He actually signed off or not. In any case, i remained on playing a mindless game to calm myself down. i hadn't interpreted His words as an order to kennel but as granting permission to my request if i still wanted to kennel. He signed back on a few minutes later and told me that He'd ordered me to kennel and to do so. i was still furious and did NOT want to obey. They thought of the whip swayed my decision and i did so anyhow, forcing myself.
As i lay on the futon, the reality of the situation became clear to me in a matter of seconds. i was worried that Master thought i'd purposely disobeyed Him in not kenneling the first time He said it which hadn't been my intention. i VERY much wanted to get back up immediately and beg permission to blog but i thought that would seem all the more deliberately disobedient so i forced myself to rest. Not that i was aware of it at the time, but Master was right about my needing the rest.
So, my Master, i beg forgiveness for being unable to take what should have been obvious as teasing last night. i beg forgiveness for not accepting your very indulgent explanation of it immediately afterward. i beg forgiveness for seemingly disobeying you though that truly was never my intention. i beg forgiveness for forgetting rule two even if my skewed perspective had been accurate.
Had i been watching another kajira react as i had, i'd have been HIGHLY critical of her. i need to be more willing to subject myself to the standard i apply to others. i hadn't realized that i don't but i definitely see that now. It's one more area to add to my list of things that need work. My Master, girl begs forgiveness for her many imperfections and offers thanks for Your guidance in helping her to improve upon them.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Doubts and Confirmations
The past several days have been especially hard in some ways and have left me questioning things i thought i'd come to terms with. One thing that has been harder than it had for a while is j. we don't share a bed or even a room and seldom are even in the same room at the same time at all nor do we see each other undressed any longer. But there was something magnetic between us Friday morning before work. we both felt it. i was dying to jump him and initiate sex. It has been a long time and i wanted him so badly. He was adorable, with his dimple pronounced, and showing off the witty side i once fell in love with. i wanted him and nearly gave into it. The dogs barked to go out and i used that as my excuse to make a quick getaway.
He gave me a watch which was lime green that he said he'd been saving for Valentine's Day. He said he just had to give it to me right then. It was just the endearing sort of thing that hooked me years ago, picturing him selecting this silly watch in a store because he knows i love all things green. i ached to tell him i love him, to embrace him, to promise i won't leave. i did none of those and it hurt.
we fought later in the day over money and i began to think how much of the stress between us has been money-based. i wondered if we might have been in a different place if finances were different. Then i thought about the fact that there will be no greater financial stability with Master and probably far less. Will the same stressors mean the same fate of the relationship? Will they destroy it?
Later in the weekend there was another moment when i wanted so overwhelmingly to just go lean my head on j's shoulders and feel his arms around me and let him comfort me. i haven't quite known what to do with all these feelings that have been stirred up. Is there a chance i could actually be happy in a vanilla relationship with j? i once was... or might have been... or thought i was... wasn't i?
i've also been thinking about how i'm horny and lonely for the touch of someone other than myself. Besides, how can ending a marriage of nearly twelve years not have moments of pain and doubt and sadness? j is a good guy. He has been amazingly devoted to me and stood by me through some abysmal and lengthy crises, ones i can't imagine ANYONE putting up with as unconditionally.
Sometimes now i can't stand to be in the same room with him, can't stand the sound of his breathing or the sight of his dry lips peelings without my skin crawling. Is that what happens to everyone over time? Will things about Master disgust me too? It seems inevitable that they will. i wonder which things they will be but, much more so, i wonder how long they will take to rankle me. Days? Weeks? Years?
Do things with Master even have the potential to last years? What happens after Master, if there is an after? i've never really seen it as my leaving j for Master. i've always felt that i need to leave j and, separately, i will be going to Master. If j was out of the picture, i'd still be going to Master. If Master was out of the picture, i'd still be leaving j. i'm not as sure about this right now as i had been.
Also on my mind, in light of the fact that my mother was hospitalized last night and piggybacking off the subject of finances, is not having money for medical expenses. i have TONS of medical conditions, take 8 different prescriptions daily, have an absurdly risky familial history, and without insurance the related costs would be astronomical. What if there's an emergency that involves a hospitalization and/or surgery? What if i develop some medical condition or disease that requires costly treatment? This terrifies me.
The flip side, though, is that i currently have great insurance and access to the best of medical care and, despite these conditions, the thought of my life continuing as it is makes me want to cut or kill myself. It's sort of ironic. i can have optimal healthcare and want to damage my health or lacking health care but, ideally, want to improve my health. Master's influence in what He has required of me and in terms of increasing my motivation to live has been GREAT. There's no way around that. Still, it's a huge leap of faith in this respect and that has me especially spooked.
The other big thing on my mind, and more directly related to yesterday's events, is my mother. Had i been in Virginia, i don't know how the situation would have played out. It had to be me. She wouldn't have called anyone else. She wouldn't have allowed anyone else to deal with her as she did me. i don't even approach stubborn when viewed next to her. She needed me and wanted me and was and is grateful for me... and only me.
i put her through hell as i was growing up and she never faltered. She was to me what i can't be with my own kids. It's only been ten or twelve years since i've gotten along with her and come to appreciate her. Who knows how much more time with her i might have? How do i leave her? How do i give up that time? How do i falter with her where she didn't with me and leave her to fend for herself in order to follow my own wants?
i think about her moving to Virginia but she never would. i think about driving to see her once a month which is possible but seems unlikely that it would really happen between weather obstacles, car troubles, gasoline prices, etc. The thing is, i seldom see her now since i am usually so emotionally paralyzed with my own life. my absence hurts her as it is now. She wonders whether to blame herself or me for it. If i was actually... dare i say it... happy with Master, maybe i would be able to be there for her in a way i can't now. That sounds more like rationalization that a realistic hope to me at this point though. my being happy is that far-fetched a concept.
When i got home from visiting her at the hospital today, s had stolen some things out of my room. He didn't take anything costly or of great value to me but the fact that i can have no security of self or property while living with him stood out to me all the more. The boys and j are a package deal and i can't cope with the package. Even if it is normal teenage behavior, and some of it truly is, i utterly lack the ability to cope with it. Be it an inherent shortcoming within myself or a product of my experiences with them, though likely it's some of both, i can't love them unconditionally. Years of trying and hating myself for failing, of being berated by professionals entrusted with their emotional well-being or validated by ones entrusted with mine, of relying on medication to numb myself to an intolerable reality... A part of me is dead inside and won't live again. i can't be a mother to them.
He gave me a watch which was lime green that he said he'd been saving for Valentine's Day. He said he just had to give it to me right then. It was just the endearing sort of thing that hooked me years ago, picturing him selecting this silly watch in a store because he knows i love all things green. i ached to tell him i love him, to embrace him, to promise i won't leave. i did none of those and it hurt.
we fought later in the day over money and i began to think how much of the stress between us has been money-based. i wondered if we might have been in a different place if finances were different. Then i thought about the fact that there will be no greater financial stability with Master and probably far less. Will the same stressors mean the same fate of the relationship? Will they destroy it?
Later in the weekend there was another moment when i wanted so overwhelmingly to just go lean my head on j's shoulders and feel his arms around me and let him comfort me. i haven't quite known what to do with all these feelings that have been stirred up. Is there a chance i could actually be happy in a vanilla relationship with j? i once was... or might have been... or thought i was... wasn't i?
i've also been thinking about how i'm horny and lonely for the touch of someone other than myself. Besides, how can ending a marriage of nearly twelve years not have moments of pain and doubt and sadness? j is a good guy. He has been amazingly devoted to me and stood by me through some abysmal and lengthy crises, ones i can't imagine ANYONE putting up with as unconditionally.
Sometimes now i can't stand to be in the same room with him, can't stand the sound of his breathing or the sight of his dry lips peelings without my skin crawling. Is that what happens to everyone over time? Will things about Master disgust me too? It seems inevitable that they will. i wonder which things they will be but, much more so, i wonder how long they will take to rankle me. Days? Weeks? Years?
Do things with Master even have the potential to last years? What happens after Master, if there is an after? i've never really seen it as my leaving j for Master. i've always felt that i need to leave j and, separately, i will be going to Master. If j was out of the picture, i'd still be going to Master. If Master was out of the picture, i'd still be leaving j. i'm not as sure about this right now as i had been.
Also on my mind, in light of the fact that my mother was hospitalized last night and piggybacking off the subject of finances, is not having money for medical expenses. i have TONS of medical conditions, take 8 different prescriptions daily, have an absurdly risky familial history, and without insurance the related costs would be astronomical. What if there's an emergency that involves a hospitalization and/or surgery? What if i develop some medical condition or disease that requires costly treatment? This terrifies me.
The flip side, though, is that i currently have great insurance and access to the best of medical care and, despite these conditions, the thought of my life continuing as it is makes me want to cut or kill myself. It's sort of ironic. i can have optimal healthcare and want to damage my health or lacking health care but, ideally, want to improve my health. Master's influence in what He has required of me and in terms of increasing my motivation to live has been GREAT. There's no way around that. Still, it's a huge leap of faith in this respect and that has me especially spooked.
The other big thing on my mind, and more directly related to yesterday's events, is my mother. Had i been in Virginia, i don't know how the situation would have played out. It had to be me. She wouldn't have called anyone else. She wouldn't have allowed anyone else to deal with her as she did me. i don't even approach stubborn when viewed next to her. She needed me and wanted me and was and is grateful for me... and only me.
i put her through hell as i was growing up and she never faltered. She was to me what i can't be with my own kids. It's only been ten or twelve years since i've gotten along with her and come to appreciate her. Who knows how much more time with her i might have? How do i leave her? How do i give up that time? How do i falter with her where she didn't with me and leave her to fend for herself in order to follow my own wants?
i think about her moving to Virginia but she never would. i think about driving to see her once a month which is possible but seems unlikely that it would really happen between weather obstacles, car troubles, gasoline prices, etc. The thing is, i seldom see her now since i am usually so emotionally paralyzed with my own life. my absence hurts her as it is now. She wonders whether to blame herself or me for it. If i was actually... dare i say it... happy with Master, maybe i would be able to be there for her in a way i can't now. That sounds more like rationalization that a realistic hope to me at this point though. my being happy is that far-fetched a concept.
When i got home from visiting her at the hospital today, s had stolen some things out of my room. He didn't take anything costly or of great value to me but the fact that i can have no security of self or property while living with him stood out to me all the more. The boys and j are a package deal and i can't cope with the package. Even if it is normal teenage behavior, and some of it truly is, i utterly lack the ability to cope with it. Be it an inherent shortcoming within myself or a product of my experiences with them, though likely it's some of both, i can't love them unconditionally. Years of trying and hating myself for failing, of being berated by professionals entrusted with their emotional well-being or validated by ones entrusted with mine, of relying on medication to numb myself to an intolerable reality... A part of me is dead inside and won't live again. i can't be a mother to them.
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