i wasn't in the best of moods earlier and hadn't even realized how utterly exhausted i was and am. A lot of things are weighing on my mind and many of them are significant and reasonable things about which to be worried. So Master ordered me to blog, and i began to, but i was so wiped out that i could barely get the words out. Master allowed me to nap and i woke up JUST in time for American Idol. i had actually been so tired that i couldn't even bring myself to set an alarm before napping. THAT is tired!
The blog i had briefly begun before my nap was going to expand upon the stressors plaguing my mind. Maybe this blog will do the same. i'm not sure yet. What stands out, though, are my own relatively-minor-yet-obnoxious-nonetheless responses to Master. He told me to tell Him what was bothering me. my response was "just stuff" until He coaxed me into revealing the specifics. He told me to come out of the cage that is my current spot. i asked "all the way?". He told me to blog. i told Him that i had already "verbally blogged" to Him when i told Him what was on my mind.
Um? i don't think so! i know better than to play these games and make it necessary for Master to repeat or clarify orders which should be and are perfectly clear. If i watched another kajira respond as i had, i'd find her behavior irritating and punishment worthy. i finally know better than to refuse Master or overtly argue but i have really just learned to sugar coat those same tendencies into slightly more appropriate ones. It's time to shed these now too. He commands. i obey. That means without stalling or qualification or a bitchy display of will just to make it blatant that i am not happy about doing so.
There are countless things i love about Master and endless reasons i know He is THE Master for me. A major one, perhaps ultimately the greatest reason of all, is the fact that i am absolutely unable to manipulate Him or get the slightest thing by Him. Of all His many qualities, this one stands out to me because He is the only one i have ever met about whom i can make that statement. i have no delusions about earlier either. He knew exactly what i was doing and chose to tolerate it, at least at that time. He could have called me on it then and may well plan to punish me for it later.
Still, i feel as if acting as i did is an attempt at manipulation of sorts. This isn't physically gor. Master has power because i have submitted myself to Him and, in doing so, given Him that power. Little, nonsense, cranky, bullshit, acting out, annoying responses like my earlier ones are tiny attempts to challenge Master's power or even usurp a bit of it. On one hand, i am confident i would not get away with doing so very much or for very long. On the other hand, if i were to succeed in doing so i would destroy the very dynamic which makes Him Master and my ideal Master at that!
So, i can't and i won't. He commands. i obey. Period.
i beg forgiveness, my Master, for not granting you the absolute obedience which is your due.
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