It's been on my mind a LOT lately, even before the reveal to lindy the other day. Tonight it came to the surface and i started crying so hard i couldn't even see through my tears to tell Master about it. i'm still crying, so hard and for so long that my face hurts. my jaw is aching. i've been crying all night about one thing or another and this is the only one that's not so fresh and so raw that i'm willing to commit it to writing at the moment. (A blog devoted to rau will come when i can contain my emotions enough to write it.)
i just went back and looked in old blog entries to figure out the exact date and was actually surprised to find out how long ago it was. It was nearly five months ago and is still haunting me and somehow i never consciously realized that i needed to address it and find some closure. Time doesn't heal all wounds simply by virtue of its passage. Some need addressing.
i guess it's the one time Master has truly hurt me. And it still hurts. Daily. i'm not sure why it still hurts as much as it does but maybe i'll figure that out by the time i finish writing this. Maybe it's simply because He doesn't even know. we were talking about getting hurt and i mentioned it to Him and He guessed it was when v left. The weird thing about that was that everyone else got all outraged on my behalf and i had never really been all that upset over it.
This was back when Master and v had created alts and were spending time under other names without the rest of us knowing about it. That was a lot to deal with for me because it is VERY hard for me to accept dishonesty or deception and still go on trusting those who have been perpetuating it. Once they did reveal it, it was also the first time i was dealing with the idea of Master in a female SL form.
i had a very hard time with that then, more than i would admit even to myself, although now i think nothing of His being Master or slave or vampire or female or shemale or anything. They are all facets of Him but i guess i needed to learn that through experience. i felt like a female alt made Him less of who He is. i was bewildered. i didn't know how to redefine the conception i had of Him.
If He was Master in His male avi and Mistress in His female one, then what the hell was i supposed to call Him on Yahoo? i didn't know and didn't want to ask. i'm not sure why. Maybe i felt as if i SHOULD have known, as if not knowing made me not okay with it, as if it revealed the discomfort i didn't want to be feeling and thought i had to keep hidden then.
So, in a conversation with Master on Yahoo, i avoided addressing Him in ANY way. He said something like, "Are you going to add 'Master' in there somewhere?". i responded with, "Am i talking to Him?". i don't recall the rest of the conversation but i'm sure i was obnoxious and disrespectful. It would be consistent with how i acted at the time to assume as much. Master set me straight and sentenced me to a whipping.
It wasn't the first time i'd been whipped but it might have been the second and i'm pretty sure it was my first time on the posts. i remember feeling more confused than remorseful. i really hadn't known how i was supposed to act so i didn't feel as if i'd done anything as terrible as Master seemed to think i had. It was unchartered territory for me but i'd never let on how disorienting i'd found it.
Besides, after feeling as if i'd been without Master for a while, having Him acting like Master was welcome even if it meant a whipping. i hated the idea of His anger and of the whipping but it felt so good to have Him "back" and acting within the parameters of the only facet of HIm i knew at that time. He IMed me, sent me to the gor sims He owned at the time, and told me He'd be there shortly to deliver my beating. i remember His words.
It felt kind of surreal because He had explained things to me beforehand in a way i finally understood. i had felt abandoned until we spoke but then, afterward, i felt loved again. And then He showed up to whip me. That would have been okay, i think, but He did it with so much apparent anger and loathing.
i had freaked out the previous time He whipped me because He had threatened my collar and it was a threat i hadn't been able to cope with at the time. This time He didn't threaten my collar and i knew it was because i'd gotten so hysterical the last time. Most people/kajirae don't regard being whipped on SL as i do. It's just pixels and rp to them. It isn't to me. It's scary and extremely unpleasant. It makes me cry irl.
This whipping was amazingly violent and cruel. i was traumatized by it and i've been carrying that with me since. It lasted a long time and Master was so vicious during and after it. He called me "meat" when He left me hanging on the whipping posts and said something like "Have fun drying in the sun".
It was all the more confusing because Master had been so loving in IM before the whipping, then He was filled with hostility during it, and i expected it to be better afterwards. But it wasn't. Or at least it didn't feel as if it was. i was SO upset by it. i felt as if He had stopped loving me. i felt as if i was starting from scratch in earning His love and trust again. i was deeply hurt and felt victimized but i didn't know Him well enough then to know what to do with those feelings. i didn't think i could tell Him, partly because i didn't want it to seem as if i was whining about being punished but mostly because He already seemed so disgusted with me that i was terrified of angering Him further.
i spent several days on the posts, a few minutes off, and then two more days on them and ultimately didn't even want to come off them by the time i was allowed to. And the two extra days on them made no sense to me, not that they had to, but in the context of everything else they just made me feel more attacked and rejected than simply punished. Master had ordered me to blog and to tell Him when i had done so. i blogged and was about to tell Him but He got to me first and said i hadn't followed His direction and so He was adding two more days to my time on the posts. i explained that i had just entered it and was about to tell Him but He said the extra two days stood since i had let Him check with the expectation of finding a blog... or something like that. It was a long time ago. i felt like He was just looking for a reason to be mean to me. It is the only time i have ever felt that from Him. To this day, i IM Him every single time i write a blog entry because of that incident.
Given all of that, the fact that Master had stripped me of being FG was crushing. It wasn't the title, just that i felt so entirely worthless in His eyes. The fact that i never got the role back made it feel as if my punishment never ended, as if i could never regain in any real way the regard with which He had once viewed me. i had screwed up and lost a privilege but instead of it being for a period of time like when He grounded me, it was forever. It wasn't the privilege i wanted back, just to feel as if i was no longer being punished, as if i was no less to Him than i had been before. It was a LONG time before i felt anything even close to that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment