Dishing It Out Versus Taking It

Master teased me last night. i took it entirely seriously and got EXTREMELY upset... disproportionately upset... i'm-not-coming-to-You-rl-ready-to-remove-my-collar upset. i was so caught up in freaking out that i had zero perspective on what i was doing until it was too late. Then i realized my error pretty quickly but didn't dare sign back on and ask to blog at that point. Master said kennel so i forced myself to get some sleep. Something about Master ordering me to kennel inevitably seems to cut through insomnia.

i'm the first one to tease others and i'm indiscriminate about whether my teasing targets a hot-button issue. That's not even true. i intentionally select hot-button issues. i am quite adept at finding them, recalling them, and zeroing in on them mercilessly. It's funny when it's me doing the teasing and those who can't take it are all the more ridicule-worthy in my mind.

When the tables are turned, i run hot and cold. i never used to realize this. i was sure i could take it as well as i dished it out. And sometimes i can. If i'm not overtired which i was yesterday, if i'm not totally self-absorbed which i was yesterday, if it's not in the area of one of my own hot-button issues which it was yesterday... if Jupiter aligns with Mars and peace guides my mouth. Otherwise love does not steer the stars nor my reaction.

Master teased me. So? Why shouldn't He? i tease everyone all the time including Him. He picked a VERY hot-button issue but one He had no way of knowing was one. Caught in another frame of mind, i might have had no problem going along with it anyhow. In retrospect, it was so blatantly teasing. In my state of mind, i truly had no idea and freaked out entirely. i was crying and got very upset. i was completely unaware that i had been in a mood which lent itself to misinterpretation and disproportionate reaction. i was furious with Master. i was miles off base! He hadn't meant to upset me or to be harsh at all. i'd been silent through it so He had no idea how i was taking it and, as soon as He realized, He was very sweet about reassuring me. i refused to hear Him.

i wanted to say all sorts of very disrespectful things to Him but controlled it enough to just ask to kennel. At one point He said "Fine, kennel. I'm going to bed" or something to that effect. Then He went invisible. i don't know whether He actually signed off or not. In any case, i remained on playing a mindless game to calm myself down. i hadn't interpreted His words as an order to kennel but as granting permission to my request if i still wanted to kennel. He signed back on a few minutes later and told me that He'd ordered me to kennel and to do so. i was still furious and did NOT want to obey. They thought of the whip swayed my decision and i did so anyhow, forcing myself.

As i lay on the futon, the reality of the situation became clear to me in a matter of seconds. i was worried that Master thought i'd purposely disobeyed Him in not kenneling the first time He said it which hadn't been my intention. i VERY much wanted to get back up immediately and beg permission to blog but i thought that would seem all the more deliberately disobedient so i forced myself to rest. Not that i was aware of it at the time, but Master was right about my needing the rest.

So, my Master, i beg forgiveness for being unable to take what should have been obvious as teasing last night. i beg forgiveness for not accepting your very indulgent explanation of it immediately afterward. i beg forgiveness for seemingly disobeying you though that truly was never my intention. i beg forgiveness for forgetting rule two even if my skewed perspective had been accurate.

Had i been watching another kajira react as i had, i'd have been HIGHLY critical of her. i need to be more willing to subject myself to the standard i apply to others. i hadn't realized that i don't but i definitely see that now. It's one more area to add to my list of things that need work. My Master, girl begs forgiveness for her many imperfections and offers thanks for Your guidance in helping her to improve upon them.