Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Million Thought March

There are a million thoughts running through my head right now so i guess i should give them space here and hopefully clear my head a little.

Of course Raptor is still high on my list of brain activity.

It is already WAY too hot here and i'm getting VERY upset about that and tonight Master actually CLOSED the window because He was COLD while i was dying because it is WAY too hot. There's no air and no cross-ventilation because the blinds are always closed so the windows being open does barely any good anyhow. i'm going to be MISERABLY hot until October and i'm more likely going to die a horrible melted kajira death before then.

my Master just got mad at something malfunctioning on His computer and banged His mouse hard and Archie got up and walked into the other room. It was just as he would have reacted back in NY when s started throwing or overturning things. my point here isn't about my Master. He is stressed and the computer frustration was an added annoyance. No big deal. my point is about Archie and how he's needed to learn that he may be unsafe if he observes certain things. He's not unsafe here as he might have been in NY but he doesn't know that and it breaks my heart that he's had to live with that insecurity. i didn't protect him well enough in NY. He was traumatized too!

He also looks miserable that it's so hot in here and i feel bad about that too. my shrink said years ago that i used to project my own feelings onto the rabbits i owned at the time. Maybe that's what i'm doing with Archie too. i'm just in a state of mind where i'm feeling guilty about a million things. Maybe the specifics don't matter.

i'm rambling and way overheated. i'm stressed and under-medicated. i don't know. There were tons of things in my head to say when i started this entry but right now none are coming to mind. It's too hot to sleep. i'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

i'm Dirt

i am incredibly upset about missing Raptor's anniversary party. It's not that i cared about the celebration itself. i'm sure it was loud and crowded and not my scene in any way. But it was for Raptor and, for that, i am despondent at having been so stupid. It was on my mind ALL week. i didn't recall how to open the invitation correctly so i even IMed him for another which he sent. i reminded my Master about it a million times. i window shopped on SLEX for just the right gifts for him and Thokk and made sure my Master remembered to give me the lindens today to get them. i checked the time several times to make sure it was at 8 and discussed with my Master how we'd work it around our responsibilities at Eight Pines during the concert at the same time. i looked at costumes on SLEX and finally decided on the green winged fairy i already had because Raptor had never seen it and her wings always remind me of him. i even changed into it. i don't necessarily see him or even communicate with him often, but Raptor means the world to me. He is there all of the million times i ask for his help, never complaining or questioning it or demanding a thing in return. And i fucked up and got the time wrong and feel totally like shit for missing the gathering. i assumed it was pm without ever perusing the invitation as i should have. i don't know whether he'll be mad. The gifts will look like an afterthought. i was on SL during the celebration and never went because i thought it was later but maybe he realized i was on. Probably not. Hopefully, and most likely, he was way too busy.

i tell people about him all the time, boasting of how wonderful he is and what a great friend and how much i love him. My Master made a comment that was actually a compliment of Raptor that i took the wrong way this morning and i even jumped Him for what i mistook as His speaking ill of Raptor. i feel like the worst friend ever. i let him down and myself down in doing so. Even if he's not mad, i am. He is a better friend to me and deserves better from me. He hasn't been on SL all night, or at least not visibly. Maybe he and Thokk are just sharing some time together which would be nice for them both. i hope he's not around for a good reason like that, something fun and self-indulgent and as wonderful as he is.

my guess is that he won't give my absence a second thought and that the upset i feel is my own disappointment in myself. If he is upset and i did hurt him, i will be all the more morose. If he is mad, i don't know whether he'll believe what is the full truth. It was an innocent, if moronic, mistake on my part. Plus i told my Master the wrong time so i'm responsible for His not being there too. If Raptor is mad at Master, that's on me too. Ugh! It never seems to matter how good my intentions are. i'm a total fuck-up. i hate that! HATE it.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Random Thoughts of nouness

A LOT has been running through my head without structure or direction so i've decided to get some of it out and see if that frees up some brain space to function better. It's sort of like Master freeing up prim on the sim.

i've been having WEIRD dreams and i knew they were coming but, after refusing sleep for nearly three full days, i had to start sleeping again. It wasn't an option.

i'm still feeling MAJORLY rejected and worthless... by rau, by Master, by the job world. i just reread March 22nd's private blog. Some of it still applies. Some of it doesn't. Some of it eased up but has now flared up again because of rau. My Master, PLEASE read/reread March 22nd.

i want to hate rau and i'm mad at Master that i can't seem to accomplish that. He took my hate and replaced it with hurt and that sucks. The hate was comforting. i was good at it. Hatred: It's what's for dinner. Give it back, my Master!!! i'd MUCH rather be hateful than lonely. i'd MUCH rather feel unloving than unlovable.

my collar is turning my neck green and making it break out and it's NOT coming off except for a job, if needed, and that's not looking too optimistic at the moment. Master wants to spend money which we don't have and get a good one that is asphyxiatingly tight and both the state of the old collar and the potential new collar have me stressed.

i hate change. The sim keeps changing and the people and ponies here.. the fence... the barrels... the version of SL. If the technological advancement of the world was on my shoulders, i'd still be protesting the introduction of that radical new technology known as the wheel. i don't care if change is inevitable. That doesn't make it suck any less.

Being stressed and upset and overtired and under-medicated all have my moods bopping around crazily, including mild to moderate manic moments which, while amazingly fun for me, always seem to get on the nerves of everyone else. i can be totally fine then entirely depressed then giggling nonsensically with the slightest of catalysts. if any. Nothing so extreme as to be dangerous but it's draining to never know when i'll just switch gears and then to keep doing it, to know i can't trust my own thoughts and perceptions as much as usual, to wonder where they'll take me next and if i'll make it back.

i've been masturbating a lot which is always a sure sign of depression. i think i've given myself four orgasms within the last 36 hour which would have been a slow day about fifteen years ago but means uneasiness today. i'm actually a little sore. At least it's a fun way to self-soothe and i actually don't mind asking Master's permission nearly as much as i had anticipated i would. Well, as long as He says yes...

i ate a box of Girl Scout cookies the other night, the night rau ran, and felt like crap afterward. i want to overeat to numb myself at one level but am fighting it at another. That duality in my brain is distracting. i guess i feel rejected to the point of caring even less than usual what i look like. Fuck the health issues. i have no insurance and limited meds anyhow. i feel like if i can't do everything, why do anything for my health? i stuck a pin in my elbow the other day and clear liquid drained out. It amused me and Master didn't kill me for it. It actually needs it again, i think. i'm twisted, i know. This amuses me.

i also have blades stashed in my pocketbook that i can't bring myself to get rid of. i tell myself that i will and i plan to but i can't quite bring myself to do it. i put them there the other day after i cut. i used to carry a cutting source with me at all times with stashes in my pocketbook and car. i stopped doing that some months ago and it's back i know that that saying it here will lead to me having to get rid of them and that is VERY scary to me but i also know it's best for them not to be so readily available. If i do leave the house impulsively, it will be better if they are not there.

v's kind of a wild card. i'm not really sure what to make of some of what she says and does. i wind up getting frustrated and angry with her, if not with Master for His dealings with her. And then i'm always brought back to the fact that what i say and do is inevitably more screwy than what she does. i can't judge her as wrong simply for being different from me. my own brand of fuckedupedness isn't any more acceptable simply because it happens to be mine. i also worry that my thoughts from the 3/22 blog weigh in. The bottom line is, it's not my place to be deciding anything here anyhow. v and i get along easily and that's nice. It always has been. No matter how much or how little contact we've had in recent days, we can both snap into smut and stupidity mode and enjoy it.

Things my mother said about me and her and the family are still echoing through my head. Blogging about them the other day didn't help. i'm not sure what to do with the thoughts other than to force myself to cope with them. i think about my family, immediate and extended. i care about them. i love them. And yet i find contact with them excruciating so i avoid it like the plague. So they conclude that i don't think about them or care about them or love them. They are SO mainstream. They can't see that there is any way but theirs and i can't fit that little mold they have for me to pop into. They aren't bad. They are just blind. i can't open their eyes and i can't be what they wish nor can i keep going back to hear how i'm not doing so and need to start.

i'm sure there are a million more things that have been hounding my thoughts but none are surfacing now so i guess i'll close.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Thank you, my Master

i was upset after reading the e-mail and got teary and, in that inimitable nou fashion, began mouthing off to Him... arguing... responding with sarcasm and belligerence. He asked if He needed to get the whip. Wake up call! i wanted to keep being a bitch and say i didn't care but i forced myself to process His words. No, my Master! He said that i may mourn losing rau but that i am NOT going to disrespect Him in the process. He asked if that was understood. Yes, my Master!

He was sweet also but He didn't let my day go down the path it WOULD have gone down without His intervention. And i stopped fighting Him when He snapped into serious mode. As a result, today has actually been okay... not fun or great but tolerable and not excruciating and not characterized by my racking up stupid behavior which, punishment or not, i'd regret tomorrow. He gave the day back to me and kept me out of my head as much as possible. i'm thinking and feeling but i'm also coping.

Who'd have guessed it was possible? my Master knew it was and He made me believe in Him enough to believe in that possibility too. Thank you, my Master. i love you.

Got an e-mail on Yahoo

Just saw it now. It was sent less than an hour ago. It says rau has run away. she's gone. her last word to me... "yeah". you suck, rau, for leaving like that. And i suck more for allowing you in my heart.

Comfort and DIscomfort

The discomfort of the punishment gave way to a great respite of comfort. Now i'm hoping i'm not getting too comfortable already. i don't want to and can't let myself. Being overtired and under-medicated and stressed and generally insane aren't going to matter if i screw up and i do NOT want to screw up. i want that whip to be as retired as Archie is.

i spoke on the phone with my mother yesterday and what she said really got to me and stuck with me. she said i turned my back on her and everyone. she said that she KNOWS my conscience isn't clear. she said i need extensive counseling and that i can't run away from my problems because they'll follow me. i understand her feelings of being abandoned by me, especially with the suddenness with which the move came about. i realize that she has no idea just how badly off i'd been emotionally. The only thing that kept me from killing myself and/or anyone else was the knowledge that i would be moving soon. That is true quite literally. i didn't tell her that my psychiatrist thought the move was a great idea. She doesn't comprehend psychiatry or psychiatric medication. i couldn't tell her that i was moving to be who i am, slave, not running. i'd rather her view me however she does now than as even MORE pathetic and crazy and deluded.

In any case, her words have been echoing through my head since the conversation. i'm not sure exactly how i'm feeling as a result. i'm not questioning my decision because it truly was NOT a decision as much as a matter of survival. i guess i just don't like being the reason my mother feels as she does nor having her regard me as she is. Even pushing forty, there's a part of me that wants her approval in a way i do no one else's. i don't need it in order to do as i should but i do want it in a way i do no one else's.

Yesterday rau signed onto SL for a moment. she hadn't answered my texts in a long time and i'd been worried about her. i was so excited to see her there. i was glad she's okay. i know suicidality has been, if anything, more of an influence upon her life than it's even been upon mine. When i don't see her, i get mad and i start thinking about how i don't care about her and don't want to have anything to do with her. That always gets a bit sharper than the time before. Then she appears again in text or IM somewhere and i am inevitably overtaken by just loving her and being grateful she's safe and wanting to be with her. i wound up typing out about five lines of welcoming jubilations and expressions of concern along with the question "Are you there?". she IMed back "yeah" and that was all the response i got from her before she signed off and vanished again, probably having stripped the avi she made to play with me of whatever transferable items her new or hidden avis could use.

i'm not dumb. i get it. But what i don't get is why she won't just say it's over directly. i've given her that out a million times. rau, i'm okay. rau, i can handle it. rau, just TELL me you're done. And she always insists it's not or she wants time or she's confused. i'm not used to being dealt with this way and it's not the way i deal with others. It's cowardly. But the last time we spoke on the phone, just last month... it was PERFECT. i guess i want to be fool enough to hold out hope in my heart even though my brain knows damn well that there is none. i even stopped sleeping with her shirt as my pillowcase.

This is Master's fault. He made me willing to love others and to have an optimism about love that is undying. By His example, He showed me that it's worth it to risk one's self and feel. Damn Him! It's not. It sucks. It hurts when it fails and i'd rather just be hateful and alone than abandoned and rejected. i don't know if Master ever read the private blog about His rejection. He never commented on that one. There are some fleeting moments when i can glimpse optimism and it looks deceptively safe. No! Screw that. Solitude is safe. Isolation is safe. Hope sucks. Trust hurts. No, thank you. Fuck you, world. i AM a rock. i Am an island. And a rock feels no pain... and an island never cries...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

He is Master, i am slave...

Today had absurdly dramatic lows and maybe some highs but i finally feel as if i am on solid footing again. i started off still kind of a mess from all that had gone wrong yesterday... my idiocy, Master's anger. i couldn't settle into a level state of mind. Then i found out that willow knew about my lunacy and was blaming Master for it. i couldn't sell her on the reality of the fault being mine and i couldn't cope with not only the damage i'd done to and with Master already but with the responsibility of hurting the way willow views Him as well.

So i cut. i picked up the razor blade, whispered an apology to Master who was asleep at the time, and carved "ALL BAD ALWAYS" into my stomach. It wasn't deep. It didn't hurt. It didn't help. i just began to stress over what Master would do when He woke up. That turned out to be warranted. He was MAD.

i sat in my spot at His order for what had to be close to a couple of hours, bored out of my mind, using lint and specks of dirt on the floor to embellish faces i tried to see in the hardwood grain, and wishing i was in the other room with Him. i wished that exactly until He called me there.

When i sit there, i can hear His every move. Every time His chair slides, i hold my breath and listen intently for either typing or footsteps to follow. If He types, i'm safe. He was just shifting positions. If He walks, it's anyone's guess. Is He coming for me? Did He get the whip? The day i took the car i had been SURE He had gotten the whip just before He called me out. It turned out He'd gotten out socks. Still, it's unnerving to sit there and listen and wonder and wait. Today was no exception.

He called me out finally and told me He wanted sandwiches. i made them. i was nervous and very careful to do exactly as He said. He didn't say anything about the punishment and i sure wasn't going to. He went to soak in the tub and i began to relax a bit more. He came out and i had no idea anything was up... until He sat down with the slave whip in His hand and ordered me to kneel for it. Yikes!

i was totally taken by surprise and it was scary. He whipped me and it was for real, not symbolic. It was powerful because of the totality of the experience. It hurt but i was so stunned that i wasn't even that aware of the pain until later on, afterward. Kneeling at His mercy while He wields the whip, unable to see anything except the wooden floor planks, willing myself to focus on His words and respond as He wishes... it is unsettling to say the least! As much as i hate to admit it, it also put my head back on straight.

Master made me remain in the whipping position after it was over. It was killing my elbow and i knew He'd probably let me shift positions if i told Him but i couldn't find my voice so i just dealt with it. He said i was to serve the rest of the night in absolute silence than ask me if that was understood. Um... ? i had NO idea how to respond to being sentenced to silence and then asked a question. Finally i nodded my head which i think He took as disrespect. i verbalized my quandry and He said i could respond with "yes, my Master" which i QUICKLY did.

It was uncomfortable afterwards. It felt awkward and i kept worrying that i'd forget and speak. my back hurt and i had to consciously will myself to stay calm and move forward rather than giving into the nervous stress i felt and falling apart. Master had been a Master. i knew it had been what i needed and i didn't want to do anything to make it so He couldn't be. i forced myself to keep it together and wound up on aol discussing the punishment with Pete. He was good about it and i appreciated that. Reflecting on it helped.

As the night continued, the tension eased up. i was in a heightened state of submissiveness which, thank God, has largely carried over to today and it feels AWESOME. i actually have peace and serenity when there's no gray area and i know my place and don't fight it. He is Master. i am slave. Period. i never feel better than when i am focused and clear on those roles.

i've had people treat me with kindness. J did for years. It was disastrous. Master's treating me with understanding and tolerance played out in no better a way. Pete and i had speculated for years what might happen if someone just kicked my ass and demanded i cut the crap and do as He said. When i first told Pete about the whipping the first thing he said was "Did it help?". i said i didn't know. It was too fresh at the time. But it did help. A lot. i see that now. It also sucked, though, and i don't want to bring another whipping upon myself. i just want this state of mind to last.

Another revelation last night was that i'd hurt Master physically the night before. i'd had NO idea i'd done it and have barely any recollection of the events of Thursday night. i was actively suicidal and fought Master off. In His getting a razor head from me, i had somehow cut and bruised His hand. It had been a real mess. i'd taken my meds into the bathroom and a chair and left Him a note on the private blog and it's kind of a blur but i know i kept running back in there and sat against the door to block it when He nearly broke it in. It scares me how crazy i can get, thinking i'm being rational at the time.

Master has probably seen me at my worst now. i can't imagine it getting any worse than a physical fight for pills and a razor blade in the bathroom. His hand is hurt. The countertop is askew from the cabinet beneath it. my memory of the events is hazy. i don't remember what else might have happened and i'm thankful for that. i can't be mortified by what i don't know.

To end on a positive note, things have been good since the punishment. It is relaxed again and i'm feeling like myself, in control and centered and knowing what is truly important. willow realizes that her reaction wasn't reasonable. Master seems to be relieved that i'm back to myself and i'm more aware than ever of the immense responsibility He has in dealing with me as Master. It's a risk to whip someone who was suicidal twenty-four hours earlier when you want what is best for her. He knows me well and rose to the challenge, angry with me for having doubted that He could.

i love you, my Master. i won't doubt you again. i appreciate all you have done and are doing and will do for me, the niceness and the harshness too. i don't want to make you be harsh again and i plan to do my damnedest not to. i know it hurt you to hurt me. That made it a million times worse. i don't want to hurt you any more than you do me and i know i did. i understand my demons to fight them off better next time because there will be a next time as much as i wish otherwise. Until then, my Master, i again beg your forgiveness and offer my thanks that your collar remains around my neck and my unworthy self at your kneel.

Friday, April 17, 2009

And the Oscar goes to... nou!

i regret it already. i wish i hadn't cut. It did nothing except for making an unbearable situation even worse if that was even possible. Now i'm just dreading Master's waking up.

Master said last night that i'm not intimidated by Him. Of course He said that. i told Him i wasn't and i showed Him i wasn't when He was furious with me The thing is, i AM intimidated by Him! Very. When He shoved away the box i was leaning on last night, i nearly screamed. So many years of learning to hide fear from students have me automatically snap into this mode of a false and even cavalier calm that i don't feel. When a teenager with nearly a foot on me in height and a violent past threatens to kill you, you'd damn well better look to him as if you can hold your own. Well, when a Master with at LEAST a foot on me in height is demonstratively mad, it feels about the same and i snapped into the same mode. The fear stays dormant until later.

As with fear, so many of my emotions are submerged while in the heart of a situation, be it good or bad. No one is privy to them until later, not even me much of the time, until i choose to reveal what i'm feeling. Emotion is supposed to be spontaneous but mine aren't. i've learned that it's not safe for them to be and grown skilled in keeping them hidden. That's not kajira. If i come out of this with a collar still, i need to figure out how to stop filing away my feelings for a more private and convenient time.

If not...

i have NO idea what i'll do, not in any respect of my life.

i Cut

It sucked. It was utterly useless and now i feel worse and want to cut more and worse. It didn't bleed enough or hurt enough. i only cut on my stomach, not on my wrists or neck at all. i was scared that if i cut the way i wanted to Master would force me to go to a hospital and i am NOT going. They'd admit me and i'm NOT going. i don't know what i'm going to do. i feel like i can't get through this situation and that i shouldn't. i don't exactly want to die right now, just to hurt, to pay for what i've fucked up, to suffer in a more obvious way than emotionally because i deserve to, to punish myself until i DO manage to find some respite from the pain inside. A few scratches aren't going to do it. i want deep gaping cuts with blood trickling down them and so much pain that my hand trembles as i elongate and deepen them. THAT is the kind of cutting that provides relief.

How can so very much go so very wrong so very quickly? That seems to be my specialty.

Hopeless

Fucked up...

Feel like shit...

Want to die...

Feel like i did too much damage to move forward...

Can't think...

Need to stop thinking, feeling, living...

Itching to at LEAST cut...

Hate myself...

Ready to end it for good...

Finding no release in these words...

Dismal.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Today is ON HOLD

Okay. today is barely underway yet and i already know... KNOW... that my mood is off. Yesterday was SUCH a blissful reprieve! i was happy and relaxed and SANE. Things were in perspective. my thoughts held up to reason. i was grateful just to feel all right. Today i'm fighting tears and self-loathing and obsession. But i have the gift of awareness. i realize the state i am in.

So what do i DO about it?

my plan is to put it on hold. Today's anger is going to wait until tomorrow. If i evaluate it tomorrow and it still holds up then i can be angry tomorrow. But, for today, i'm suspending all anger and hostility. i'm especially not going to victimize Master with it. i'm going to save it and examine it in twenty-four hours for merit.

If i need to, i'm going to blog. i'll take a bath. i'll respectfully ASK PERMISSION and take a walk... or a nap... or a time out in my spot. i'll channel it into frog's steeple runs, work on the puzzle, take all the photos i've been wanting to. i'll cook something new. i'll blast my favorite songs through earbuds. i will say the serenity prayer and the slave creed. BREATHE.

And i will reread this blog entry and yesterday's too. i'll make myself remember that feelings aren't facts and that they pass.

nou? If you are reading this, ride it out. i know how it SEEMS but walk through it and know there's safety and sanity on the other side. you CAN do it and you MUST. you are loved. As sure as you are that you couldn't possibly be, that you SHOULDN'T possibly be, still you ARE loved. Cut yourself some slack and just BE. All the hateful things you are sure you must do can wait until tomorrow.

Today is yours. Don't give it to anyone else, not even Master, unless you can do so with love. There is NOTHING He can say or do today which will change or negate these ON HOLD plans. Absolutely nothing. Make Him proud of you, girl, Make yourself proud. Don't overanalyze this. Don't question it at all. That too can wait until tomorrow.

Let life happen. your assistance is not needed to move it along until tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Ricochet Moods

Oh my God! For several days i have had periods of anger and depression with them becoming increasingly extreme and easily provoked. Yesterday i was basically either raging or crying all day and was in and out of my spot a million times. i'm writing this now because i actually feel lucid at the moment.

Master has been awesome and i have been insane. Part of my insanity has included a great deal of anger in His direction. At who else would i direct it? He is here.

So, my Master...

- for telling me you love me even when i keep telling you don't

- for acting as if my lunacy is normal

- for reassuring me despite my unwillingness to be reassured

- for bearing the brunt of the hostility that has little to do with you

- for not immediately trying to manipulate me into calling my shrink for more drugs like j always did

- for a BILLION other things, both ones i notice and ones of which i'm not even aware...

Thank you for having the patience of a saint and putting up with me. Thank you for being my Master. i love you even if my sick mind tells me otherwise sometimes . i love you even if my vicious mouth tells you otherwise sometimes. i love you, plain and simple, pure and true. i love you.

Why?

Why am i such a freak? Yes, i used the f word. i really don't care right now if saying it is going to get me a punishment a year from now or whenever Master decides what fits. Whatever. i am just totally frustrated and upset and i can't calm myself down and i keep crying and i feel like i'm heading for a breakdown. If i wasn't so stupid in the first place, i wouldn't even BE in trouble right now because i would have gotten all of the cues that SHOULD have been obvious, that WOULD have been obvious to someone who's not a freak.

Master tried to help. He wanted me to come dancing on SL with a bunch of ponies and Him. i hated the idea and He didn't make me. He said He wanted me to have fun. So why can't i? Why can't i unwind the same way everyone else does? Why isn't it fun for me? Answer? One word... five letters... begins with "f".

i can't let Him calm me at all. He came into the kitchen behind me and hugged me and was very sweet. Very. i just stiffened up and started crying and felt all the more a freak. It's like i exist in my own little universe and i can't cross into the one where everyone else is or let them cross into mine. i don't know how. Maybe it can't be done.

From the sound of it, Master thinks i'm worried about money. i'm not. i probably should be but i'm just not that much. There's a ton of food here to eat. It might not be our first choice but we have stuff to last a while. Instead i worry about Him freaking out over the auction not going as He'd hoped or over having to eat something that's not what He'd really prefer.

i worry about my own irrationality. i know my perceptions have been off base all day today. Master does too and He's been super nice since i became a total basket case but in that way that feels condescending, talking to me like i'm three and am not to be upset at any cost. He fucking offered to help me cut sausage and explained how challenging a task it can be. Um, look at the God damned computer screen instead of watching me and the sausage will get cut just fine, thanks. i'm good that way. i can take a disgusting hunk of lard and spicy pig eyelids and manage to get it into patties. i hate being viewed as pathetic and inept even if i am.

i know this mood. It will pass and everything will seem fine for a while. Then it will return again. WHAT NOW?

Monday, April 6, 2009

willow Strikes Again

WILLOW: i finished reading your blog.

nouhandlefortoo: okay

WILLOW: nou, this is not the person that i look up to...

nouhandlefortoo: ouch
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i feel about two inches tall right now. i have felt like crap since yesterday but willow's words just cut to the core and hurt.

A LOT.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

i'm STUPID

Okay, it's 6 pm and i've already screwed up more things today than i can count. The dumb part is that if i was able to get the things that most people get, it wouldn't have gone as badly as it did. i have a punishment looming over me now, an unknown one thus far, and i am SCARED.

"Things" is a really ambiguous noun there. By things that most people get, i mean social cues and connections. i really was oblivious to a bunch of what happened until Master was scolding me about it and some of what He said filled in the gaps that i hadn't even realized were vacant.

Master had agreed to use the word "enough" to let me know when i was pushing things too far with Him and needed to back it down because i was in danger of crossing the line in terms of angering Him and earning punishment. Now i'm not stupid in most ways. i'm really not, or at least others seem to think i'm not. But the context in which we had discussed "enough" was me mouthing off, being sarcastic, and arguing. It came about specifically after an excursion to Walmart during which i had been monstrously obnoxious.

You'd think that i'd be bright enough to generalize "enough" to other situations as well. Master said it when i was trying to wake Him this afternoon, cuing me to stop and let Him sleep. i literally had NO idea He meant it as THE word. i really didn't. i'd been working intermittently on waking Him for over two hours at that point and was frustrated as hell. i wasn't being especially mouthy at first and He'd never had occasion to use "enough" that way before and i just had no idea that He was doing it then.

Then He got all pissed off about not using "words" because... well... i don't recall what He said exactly but i had no idea what He was talking about. You'd think i could have made the connection on my own, if not at that moment then when i calmed down. Nope. i remained totally oblivious until He was reprimanding me and mentioned it. If stupid is as stupid does... well, the stupid fits here.

So, it turns out Master had done exactly as i'd asked Him to do and i was too clueless to realize it and i got mad because i didn't understand why He got mad. my response to His anger was to bolt out of the house. It wasn't impulsive. i stopped to use the bathroom, made sure i had my phone and ipod, grabbed a bottle of cold water for the road, and took His car key. i left the kitchen a mess and didn't say a word about the fact that i was going. Not very slavelike.

At first i just drove with no destination in mind. i had to get away from Him and the house. i wanted to curse Him out and to break things, both of which seemed like extremely bad ideas. Fight or flight. i fled. i passed a landing where there was a party boat docked and people fishing. It looked nice. It felt safe and familiar. i parked and first sat in my car enjoying the air conditioning then got out and sat on the landing listening to my ipod and texting with Joni. i didn't tell her that anything was wrong because i knew i'd badmouth Master to her and i didn't want to do that.

Then i saw the date on my phone and thought yet again about how tomorrow is my twelfth wedding anniversary. i texted Jason a long message just telling him some things i hope he knows, especially that i do love him and always have. It was a hard text to write, a hard one to send. It probably just sounded inane in the end but i used up all the characters my phone allows and didn't think i'd be able to improve upon it anyhow. i hope he understands what i said. i hope he believes the truth of it. He won't do either, i know.

i had been mad until i recalled Master's not feeling well from cutting the grass yesterday. i envisioned my antics stressing Him unduly and causing Him to have some sort of medical crisis as a result. i was immediately calm enough to return home. i had a knot in my stomach about what would happen when i got there. i was sure Master was going to whip and chain me and i guess, without formulating it into specific imagery in my mind, i expected an ambush at the door. i was afraid and one of the big fears was that i needed to use the bathroom and He wouldn't let me. i considered stopping at a restroom on the way home but really had no idea where to find a close one and didn't want to be gone even longer.

So i got home and was terrified of walking inside and entered the house with Master's car keys, my pocketbook, and the water bottle in my hands. Master was sitting at His computer and gave me a look that i don't know how to describe but hope never to see on His face again. It was as if the pilfered keychain was burning a hole in my hand. i just immediately tossed it onto the box table in front of Him and ran into the bathroom before He could stop me, not that He tried. i used the bathroom and, since Master hadn't yet directed me otherwise, was going to take the dogs out since they were hyper about my return and also probably needed to go out.

i hadn't realized it but Master's perception was that i had thrown the key at HIm and, in reality, that's exactly what i had done. i hadn't meant it in any sort of rude way though and hadn't realized it appeared that way. The very LAST thing i wanted was to make Him even angrier and i'd had no idea i had done so until He mentioned it while scolding me. Again, stupid. Why don't i see these sorts of things as others do? i never have. It's part of why i hate people, a big part. It's like they all operate based on a rule book that no one ever gave me and i can't figure out on my own.

Also, when i'm scared or otherwise upset, i don't process things as well as when i'm calm. Just as i had missed the rudeness in my throwing the key to Master, i didn't even know what He wanted when He was directing me to kneel for the scolding. i was so worried about doing exactly as He said that i didn't even understand His direction until He said it concretely. It occurs to me that much of my self-analysis throughout this entry could as easily describe any number of my former students.

So, i cleaned up the mess i'd left in the kitchen and am now, obviously, on the computer blogging. i'm awaiting sentencing which is probably the worst part. i'll deal with whatever the punishment is but i hate not knowing and i'm sure that's the reason for the wait. Master well knows it. i hope He doesn't finally tell me something like "you will be whipped... tomorrow". i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

i think i'll sleep regardless. i crashed hard from a Vicodin yesterday and slept but then never went to bed all night and was struggling to remain awake for my fruitless efforts to wake Master earlier. As scared as i was, i could barely remain awake sitting in my spot when i got home waiting for Master to call me out to listen to His laundry list of my screw-ups today. Being sleep deprived can't have helped my mood any and i HAVE to get sleep tonight. Hopefully the night will play out in such a way that i can.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Old Me

i feel like i recaptured some of the old me yesterday, the me that is slave and knows it and wants it. There are several reasons this happened and all involved my dealing with... of all things... other people.

willow's blog helped me to re-examine my transformation and evolution as kajira. she's fifteen yet i could have said so many of the things she did in equal truth at my current state.

her description of downplaying compliments is exactly what i do and always have. i love when Master pays me a compliment but it is SO awkward to hear and i never know quite how to react or respond. i never meet His eyes then and just try to move the subject along expeditiously. i hate having positive attention focused on me in exactly the same way willow described.

willow's description of enjoying doing things for others rings true for me as well. It has always been on my terms before but it is in my nature. Since being in Master's collar, the list of people for whom i did such things expanded a millionfold. The who stopped mattering nearly as much as the what did. i began to let myself enjoy serving others rather than faulting myself for wanting to do so. That has been one of the nicest surprises being here with Master. The chores, while still chores, are satisfying. i don't despise and tolerate them as i suspected i would but actually feel satisfied with myself for doing them. i enjoy some of them at times. i like that i can finally do things i could never force myself to do and i like helping Master. i've been more proud of my newfound ability to deal with housework than i usually was when i had a "real" job.

willow's description of needing to capitalize on her stubbornness while shedding her immaturity sure hit home. It's embarrassing that at nearly forty i can make the same self-assessment as a teenager just beginning to emerge into her own. It's time to channel the stubbornness more appropriately even though it will mean fighting long-ingrained habits. It's a source of my not liking myself and needs to be left behind along with the former me.

willow's talk of frugality also turned into something which made me feel good. Growing up on Long Island, rich in the eyes of most of the country, i really did wonder whether i'd be able to adjust to owning nothing and not having what i've been used to materially. First of all, Master has been true to His word about letting me hang onto things like the ipod. i recognize it as a privilege rather than a right or a possession of mine and there have been times i worried that He'd take it or the phone in punishment. It's not as if we've dealt with any deprivation of any kind yet but there are things i would have wanted and demanded and gotten back on Long Island that, at most, have been occasional fleeting thoughts here. The same things whose absence would have sent me into a tailspin a month ago now mean nothing. i don't see this worry as coming to fruition any longer. i'll deal with what we have and what we don't. my being spoiled is more a matter of attitude than items.

Okay, moving on from willow, my teenage mentor...

There were other revelations yesterday as well. One thing was that Master said He would have whipped me the other night had the lights been back on and i not been afraid of how creepy it got outside. i haven't believed Him the other times He's alluded to it but this time i do. He meant it. Yikes. It would have been well-deserved but... yikes. It sounded a lot more palatable when i didn't thing He'd actually do it. i don't know if He'd have actually hurt me but i also don't know how much He'd have needed to for it to totally suck. i don't want Him to regret not doing it then or give Him reason to do it again. i'd resigned to shape up my attitude even before He told me about it and think i did at least somewhat better yesterday but there's plenty of room for further improvement.

i haven't found a balance yet with the line between humor and disrespect, especially since it admittedly hinges upon Master's mood. Then again, i've never managed to define and stay on the correct side of that line with anyone or in any situation my entire life. Master feels as if He warned me and i'm sure He did. i really am oblivious to when the responses of others are playful and when they are serious under these circumstances. It's gotten me into trouble my whole life.

The night of the power outage wasn't a question of walking the line. i was WAY over onto the other side without a doubt. Often it is a matter of my not being able to identify that line though, nor the signals from the person who's defining it in a given situation. v's idea about Master saying enough was awesome. If He blatantly identifies the line for me then i think i'll have the sense to respect it. If i don't then i imagine He'll teach me to in a way i don't like. At least i won't be left in the doghouse, when it's way too late, worrying where i went wrong that turned fun into a fiasco.

Dealing with v last night was also revealing in other ways. her upset about trying to balance between free and slave worlds was obviously relevant to me. Beyond that though, she made me think about the differences between serving online and in person. When it was only online, i was so much more keenly aware of my role and the responsibilities of it. i guess maybe that's because it was defined... When i sit here and do this, i am being slave. When i'm elsewhere... well... that slave thing is a factor but it's somewhat on the back burner, of necessity as much as convenience. Also, i was more in touch with the fact that it was on me to be slave, not Master to make me be. His power was obviously that which i gave Him and no more.

In person i developed the attitude that, since He is now in a position to make me do as i should, it is His job to do so. That's absurd. i am slave whether He chooses to tolerate insubordination or not and, as such, i'd damn well better behave like one. When i don't it's unfair to Him and to myself. Neither of us is happy. i feel like crap and He can't possibly feel very good either. i let us both down. It's not my place to question why He tolerates what He does and His tolerance should bring about a lack of effort on my part.

i did see that finally and blogged about it in the morning yesterday but it was further reinforced in numerous ways all through the day. Master and i even discussed it directly for a moment. It may have been slow in coming but at least i know this now. Hopefully my obstinate streak won't erase my memory at the wrong time.

There are two other issues on my mind. One is my elbow which i'm really becoming convinced needs to be dealt with medically, as much as i despise the idea. my insurance SHOULD still be valid as far as i know. The other issue is the second blog i now have, a private one. It's ludicrous that Master not have full access to it and, as much as i am mortified for Him to read some of it, i also recognize the importance of His knowing what and how i'm thinking. So no more hiding the blog. i will send Him the link and hope that He reads it all, as nervous as that still makes me. i'm never going to be comfortable in my own skin hiding facets of myself from Him. As my teenage counterpart put it in her blog, i feel exposed. she said, "... it's not about me and my comforts, in the end this will make me a better kajira and i definitely want to do my best and take advantage in what i can with my limits". Well said, willow.