He is Master, i am slave...

Today had absurdly dramatic lows and maybe some highs but i finally feel as if i am on solid footing again. i started off still kind of a mess from all that had gone wrong yesterday... my idiocy, Master's anger. i couldn't settle into a level state of mind. Then i found out that willow knew about my lunacy and was blaming Master for it. i couldn't sell her on the reality of the fault being mine and i couldn't cope with not only the damage i'd done to and with Master already but with the responsibility of hurting the way willow views Him as well.

So i cut. i picked up the razor blade, whispered an apology to Master who was asleep at the time, and carved "ALL BAD ALWAYS" into my stomach. It wasn't deep. It didn't hurt. It didn't help. i just began to stress over what Master would do when He woke up. That turned out to be warranted. He was MAD.

i sat in my spot at His order for what had to be close to a couple of hours, bored out of my mind, using lint and specks of dirt on the floor to embellish faces i tried to see in the hardwood grain, and wishing i was in the other room with Him. i wished that exactly until He called me there.

When i sit there, i can hear His every move. Every time His chair slides, i hold my breath and listen intently for either typing or footsteps to follow. If He types, i'm safe. He was just shifting positions. If He walks, it's anyone's guess. Is He coming for me? Did He get the whip? The day i took the car i had been SURE He had gotten the whip just before He called me out. It turned out He'd gotten out socks. Still, it's unnerving to sit there and listen and wonder and wait. Today was no exception.

He called me out finally and told me He wanted sandwiches. i made them. i was nervous and very careful to do exactly as He said. He didn't say anything about the punishment and i sure wasn't going to. He went to soak in the tub and i began to relax a bit more. He came out and i had no idea anything was up... until He sat down with the slave whip in His hand and ordered me to kneel for it. Yikes!

i was totally taken by surprise and it was scary. He whipped me and it was for real, not symbolic. It was powerful because of the totality of the experience. It hurt but i was so stunned that i wasn't even that aware of the pain until later on, afterward. Kneeling at His mercy while He wields the whip, unable to see anything except the wooden floor planks, willing myself to focus on His words and respond as He wishes... it is unsettling to say the least! As much as i hate to admit it, it also put my head back on straight.

Master made me remain in the whipping position after it was over. It was killing my elbow and i knew He'd probably let me shift positions if i told Him but i couldn't find my voice so i just dealt with it. He said i was to serve the rest of the night in absolute silence than ask me if that was understood. Um... ? i had NO idea how to respond to being sentenced to silence and then asked a question. Finally i nodded my head which i think He took as disrespect. i verbalized my quandry and He said i could respond with "yes, my Master" which i QUICKLY did.

It was uncomfortable afterwards. It felt awkward and i kept worrying that i'd forget and speak. my back hurt and i had to consciously will myself to stay calm and move forward rather than giving into the nervous stress i felt and falling apart. Master had been a Master. i knew it had been what i needed and i didn't want to do anything to make it so He couldn't be. i forced myself to keep it together and wound up on aol discussing the punishment with Pete. He was good about it and i appreciated that. Reflecting on it helped.

As the night continued, the tension eased up. i was in a heightened state of submissiveness which, thank God, has largely carried over to today and it feels AWESOME. i actually have peace and serenity when there's no gray area and i know my place and don't fight it. He is Master. i am slave. Period. i never feel better than when i am focused and clear on those roles.

i've had people treat me with kindness. J did for years. It was disastrous. Master's treating me with understanding and tolerance played out in no better a way. Pete and i had speculated for years what might happen if someone just kicked my ass and demanded i cut the crap and do as He said. When i first told Pete about the whipping the first thing he said was "Did it help?". i said i didn't know. It was too fresh at the time. But it did help. A lot. i see that now. It also sucked, though, and i don't want to bring another whipping upon myself. i just want this state of mind to last.

Another revelation last night was that i'd hurt Master physically the night before. i'd had NO idea i'd done it and have barely any recollection of the events of Thursday night. i was actively suicidal and fought Master off. In His getting a razor head from me, i had somehow cut and bruised His hand. It had been a real mess. i'd taken my meds into the bathroom and a chair and left Him a note on the private blog and it's kind of a blur but i know i kept running back in there and sat against the door to block it when He nearly broke it in. It scares me how crazy i can get, thinking i'm being rational at the time.

Master has probably seen me at my worst now. i can't imagine it getting any worse than a physical fight for pills and a razor blade in the bathroom. His hand is hurt. The countertop is askew from the cabinet beneath it. my memory of the events is hazy. i don't remember what else might have happened and i'm thankful for that. i can't be mortified by what i don't know.

To end on a positive note, things have been good since the punishment. It is relaxed again and i'm feeling like myself, in control and centered and knowing what is truly important. willow realizes that her reaction wasn't reasonable. Master seems to be relieved that i'm back to myself and i'm more aware than ever of the immense responsibility He has in dealing with me as Master. It's a risk to whip someone who was suicidal twenty-four hours earlier when you want what is best for her. He knows me well and rose to the challenge, angry with me for having doubted that He could.

i love you, my Master. i won't doubt you again. i appreciate all you have done and are doing and will do for me, the niceness and the harshness too. i don't want to make you be harsh again and i plan to do my damnedest not to. i know it hurt you to hurt me. That made it a million times worse. i don't want to hurt you any more than you do me and i know i did. i understand my demons to fight them off better next time because there will be a next time as much as i wish otherwise. Until then, my Master, i again beg your forgiveness and offer my thanks that your collar remains around my neck and my unworthy self at your kneel.