Okay. today is barely underway yet and i already know... KNOW... that my mood is off. Yesterday was SUCH a blissful reprieve! i was happy and relaxed and SANE. Things were in perspective. my thoughts held up to reason. i was grateful just to feel all right. Today i'm fighting tears and self-loathing and obsession. But i have the gift of awareness. i realize the state i am in.
So what do i DO about it?
my plan is to put it on hold. Today's anger is going to wait until tomorrow. If i evaluate it tomorrow and it still holds up then i can be angry tomorrow. But, for today, i'm suspending all anger and hostility. i'm especially not going to victimize Master with it. i'm going to save it and examine it in twenty-four hours for merit.
If i need to, i'm going to blog. i'll take a bath. i'll respectfully ASK PERMISSION and take a walk... or a nap... or a time out in my spot. i'll channel it into frog's steeple runs, work on the puzzle, take all the photos i've been wanting to. i'll cook something new. i'll blast my favorite songs through earbuds. i will say the serenity prayer and the slave creed. BREATHE.
And i will reread this blog entry and yesterday's too. i'll make myself remember that feelings aren't facts and that they pass.
nou? If you are reading this, ride it out. i know how it SEEMS but walk through it and know there's safety and sanity on the other side. you CAN do it and you MUST. you are loved. As sure as you are that you couldn't possibly be, that you SHOULDN'T possibly be, still you ARE loved. Cut yourself some slack and just BE. All the hateful things you are sure you must do can wait until tomorrow.
Today is yours. Don't give it to anyone else, not even Master, unless you can do so with love. There is NOTHING He can say or do today which will change or negate these ON HOLD plans. Absolutely nothing. Make Him proud of you, girl, Make yourself proud. Don't overanalyze this. Don't question it at all. That too can wait until tomorrow.
Let life happen. your assistance is not needed to move it along until tomorrow.
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