Random Thoughts of nouness

A LOT has been running through my head without structure or direction so i've decided to get some of it out and see if that frees up some brain space to function better. It's sort of like Master freeing up prim on the sim.

i've been having WEIRD dreams and i knew they were coming but, after refusing sleep for nearly three full days, i had to start sleeping again. It wasn't an option.

i'm still feeling MAJORLY rejected and worthless... by rau, by Master, by the job world. i just reread March 22nd's private blog. Some of it still applies. Some of it doesn't. Some of it eased up but has now flared up again because of rau. My Master, PLEASE read/reread March 22nd.

i want to hate rau and i'm mad at Master that i can't seem to accomplish that. He took my hate and replaced it with hurt and that sucks. The hate was comforting. i was good at it. Hatred: It's what's for dinner. Give it back, my Master!!! i'd MUCH rather be hateful than lonely. i'd MUCH rather feel unloving than unlovable.

my collar is turning my neck green and making it break out and it's NOT coming off except for a job, if needed, and that's not looking too optimistic at the moment. Master wants to spend money which we don't have and get a good one that is asphyxiatingly tight and both the state of the old collar and the potential new collar have me stressed.

i hate change. The sim keeps changing and the people and ponies here.. the fence... the barrels... the version of SL. If the technological advancement of the world was on my shoulders, i'd still be protesting the introduction of that radical new technology known as the wheel. i don't care if change is inevitable. That doesn't make it suck any less.

Being stressed and upset and overtired and under-medicated all have my moods bopping around crazily, including mild to moderate manic moments which, while amazingly fun for me, always seem to get on the nerves of everyone else. i can be totally fine then entirely depressed then giggling nonsensically with the slightest of catalysts. if any. Nothing so extreme as to be dangerous but it's draining to never know when i'll just switch gears and then to keep doing it, to know i can't trust my own thoughts and perceptions as much as usual, to wonder where they'll take me next and if i'll make it back.

i've been masturbating a lot which is always a sure sign of depression. i think i've given myself four orgasms within the last 36 hour which would have been a slow day about fifteen years ago but means uneasiness today. i'm actually a little sore. At least it's a fun way to self-soothe and i actually don't mind asking Master's permission nearly as much as i had anticipated i would. Well, as long as He says yes...

i ate a box of Girl Scout cookies the other night, the night rau ran, and felt like crap afterward. i want to overeat to numb myself at one level but am fighting it at another. That duality in my brain is distracting. i guess i feel rejected to the point of caring even less than usual what i look like. Fuck the health issues. i have no insurance and limited meds anyhow. i feel like if i can't do everything, why do anything for my health? i stuck a pin in my elbow the other day and clear liquid drained out. It amused me and Master didn't kill me for it. It actually needs it again, i think. i'm twisted, i know. This amuses me.

i also have blades stashed in my pocketbook that i can't bring myself to get rid of. i tell myself that i will and i plan to but i can't quite bring myself to do it. i put them there the other day after i cut. i used to carry a cutting source with me at all times with stashes in my pocketbook and car. i stopped doing that some months ago and it's back i know that that saying it here will lead to me having to get rid of them and that is VERY scary to me but i also know it's best for them not to be so readily available. If i do leave the house impulsively, it will be better if they are not there.

v's kind of a wild card. i'm not really sure what to make of some of what she says and does. i wind up getting frustrated and angry with her, if not with Master for His dealings with her. And then i'm always brought back to the fact that what i say and do is inevitably more screwy than what she does. i can't judge her as wrong simply for being different from me. my own brand of fuckedupedness isn't any more acceptable simply because it happens to be mine. i also worry that my thoughts from the 3/22 blog weigh in. The bottom line is, it's not my place to be deciding anything here anyhow. v and i get along easily and that's nice. It always has been. No matter how much or how little contact we've had in recent days, we can both snap into smut and stupidity mode and enjoy it.

Things my mother said about me and her and the family are still echoing through my head. Blogging about them the other day didn't help. i'm not sure what to do with the thoughts other than to force myself to cope with them. i think about my family, immediate and extended. i care about them. i love them. And yet i find contact with them excruciating so i avoid it like the plague. So they conclude that i don't think about them or care about them or love them. They are SO mainstream. They can't see that there is any way but theirs and i can't fit that little mold they have for me to pop into. They aren't bad. They are just blind. i can't open their eyes and i can't be what they wish nor can i keep going back to hear how i'm not doing so and need to start.

i'm sure there are a million more things that have been hounding my thoughts but none are surfacing now so i guess i'll close.