It sucked. It was utterly useless and now i feel worse and want to cut more and worse. It didn't bleed enough or hurt enough. i only cut on my stomach, not on my wrists or neck at all. i was scared that if i cut the way i wanted to Master would force me to go to a hospital and i am NOT going. They'd admit me and i'm NOT going. i don't know what i'm going to do. i feel like i can't get through this situation and that i shouldn't. i don't exactly want to die right now, just to hurt, to pay for what i've fucked up, to suffer in a more obvious way than emotionally because i deserve to, to punish myself until i DO manage to find some respite from the pain inside. A few scratches aren't going to do it. i want deep gaping cuts with blood trickling down them and so much pain that my hand trembles as i elongate and deepen them. THAT is the kind of cutting that provides relief.
How can so very much go so very wrong so very quickly? That seems to be my specialty.
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