Okay, it's 6 pm and i've already screwed up more things today than i can count. The dumb part is that if i was able to get the things that most people get, it wouldn't have gone as badly as it did. i have a punishment looming over me now, an unknown one thus far, and i am SCARED.
"Things" is a really ambiguous noun there. By things that most people get, i mean social cues and connections. i really was oblivious to a bunch of what happened until Master was scolding me about it and some of what He said filled in the gaps that i hadn't even realized were vacant.
Master had agreed to use the word "enough" to let me know when i was pushing things too far with Him and needed to back it down because i was in danger of crossing the line in terms of angering Him and earning punishment. Now i'm not stupid in most ways. i'm really not, or at least others seem to think i'm not. But the context in which we had discussed "enough" was me mouthing off, being sarcastic, and arguing. It came about specifically after an excursion to Walmart during which i had been monstrously obnoxious.
You'd think that i'd be bright enough to generalize "enough" to other situations as well. Master said it when i was trying to wake Him this afternoon, cuing me to stop and let Him sleep. i literally had NO idea He meant it as THE word. i really didn't. i'd been working intermittently on waking Him for over two hours at that point and was frustrated as hell. i wasn't being especially mouthy at first and He'd never had occasion to use "enough" that way before and i just had no idea that He was doing it then.
Then He got all pissed off about not using "words" because... well... i don't recall what He said exactly but i had no idea what He was talking about. You'd think i could have made the connection on my own, if not at that moment then when i calmed down. Nope. i remained totally oblivious until He was reprimanding me and mentioned it. If stupid is as stupid does... well, the stupid fits here.
So, it turns out Master had done exactly as i'd asked Him to do and i was too clueless to realize it and i got mad because i didn't understand why He got mad. my response to His anger was to bolt out of the house. It wasn't impulsive. i stopped to use the bathroom, made sure i had my phone and ipod, grabbed a bottle of cold water for the road, and took His car key. i left the kitchen a mess and didn't say a word about the fact that i was going. Not very slavelike.
At first i just drove with no destination in mind. i had to get away from Him and the house. i wanted to curse Him out and to break things, both of which seemed like extremely bad ideas. Fight or flight. i fled. i passed a landing where there was a party boat docked and people fishing. It looked nice. It felt safe and familiar. i parked and first sat in my car enjoying the air conditioning then got out and sat on the landing listening to my ipod and texting with Joni. i didn't tell her that anything was wrong because i knew i'd badmouth Master to her and i didn't want to do that.
Then i saw the date on my phone and thought yet again about how tomorrow is my twelfth wedding anniversary. i texted Jason a long message just telling him some things i hope he knows, especially that i do love him and always have. It was a hard text to write, a hard one to send. It probably just sounded inane in the end but i used up all the characters my phone allows and didn't think i'd be able to improve upon it anyhow. i hope he understands what i said. i hope he believes the truth of it. He won't do either, i know.
i had been mad until i recalled Master's not feeling well from cutting the grass yesterday. i envisioned my antics stressing Him unduly and causing Him to have some sort of medical crisis as a result. i was immediately calm enough to return home. i had a knot in my stomach about what would happen when i got there. i was sure Master was going to whip and chain me and i guess, without formulating it into specific imagery in my mind, i expected an ambush at the door. i was afraid and one of the big fears was that i needed to use the bathroom and He wouldn't let me. i considered stopping at a restroom on the way home but really had no idea where to find a close one and didn't want to be gone even longer.
So i got home and was terrified of walking inside and entered the house with Master's car keys, my pocketbook, and the water bottle in my hands. Master was sitting at His computer and gave me a look that i don't know how to describe but hope never to see on His face again. It was as if the pilfered keychain was burning a hole in my hand. i just immediately tossed it onto the box table in front of Him and ran into the bathroom before He could stop me, not that He tried. i used the bathroom and, since Master hadn't yet directed me otherwise, was going to take the dogs out since they were hyper about my return and also probably needed to go out.
i hadn't realized it but Master's perception was that i had thrown the key at HIm and, in reality, that's exactly what i had done. i hadn't meant it in any sort of rude way though and hadn't realized it appeared that way. The very LAST thing i wanted was to make Him even angrier and i'd had no idea i had done so until He mentioned it while scolding me. Again, stupid. Why don't i see these sorts of things as others do? i never have. It's part of why i hate people, a big part. It's like they all operate based on a rule book that no one ever gave me and i can't figure out on my own.
Also, when i'm scared or otherwise upset, i don't process things as well as when i'm calm. Just as i had missed the rudeness in my throwing the key to Master, i didn't even know what He wanted when He was directing me to kneel for the scolding. i was so worried about doing exactly as He said that i didn't even understand His direction until He said it concretely. It occurs to me that much of my self-analysis throughout this entry could as easily describe any number of my former students.
So, i cleaned up the mess i'd left in the kitchen and am now, obviously, on the computer blogging. i'm awaiting sentencing which is probably the worst part. i'll deal with whatever the punishment is but i hate not knowing and i'm sure that's the reason for the wait. Master well knows it. i hope He doesn't finally tell me something like "you will be whipped... tomorrow". i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
i think i'll sleep regardless. i crashed hard from a Vicodin yesterday and slept but then never went to bed all night and was struggling to remain awake for my fruitless efforts to wake Master earlier. As scared as i was, i could barely remain awake sitting in my spot when i got home waiting for Master to call me out to listen to His laundry list of my screw-ups today. Being sleep deprived can't have helped my mood any and i HAVE to get sleep tonight. Hopefully the night will play out in such a way that i can.
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