Why?

Why am i such a freak? Yes, i used the f word. i really don't care right now if saying it is going to get me a punishment a year from now or whenever Master decides what fits. Whatever. i am just totally frustrated and upset and i can't calm myself down and i keep crying and i feel like i'm heading for a breakdown. If i wasn't so stupid in the first place, i wouldn't even BE in trouble right now because i would have gotten all of the cues that SHOULD have been obvious, that WOULD have been obvious to someone who's not a freak.

Master tried to help. He wanted me to come dancing on SL with a bunch of ponies and Him. i hated the idea and He didn't make me. He said He wanted me to have fun. So why can't i? Why can't i unwind the same way everyone else does? Why isn't it fun for me? Answer? One word... five letters... begins with "f".

i can't let Him calm me at all. He came into the kitchen behind me and hugged me and was very sweet. Very. i just stiffened up and started crying and felt all the more a freak. It's like i exist in my own little universe and i can't cross into the one where everyone else is or let them cross into mine. i don't know how. Maybe it can't be done.

From the sound of it, Master thinks i'm worried about money. i'm not. i probably should be but i'm just not that much. There's a ton of food here to eat. It might not be our first choice but we have stuff to last a while. Instead i worry about Him freaking out over the auction not going as He'd hoped or over having to eat something that's not what He'd really prefer.

i worry about my own irrationality. i know my perceptions have been off base all day today. Master does too and He's been super nice since i became a total basket case but in that way that feels condescending, talking to me like i'm three and am not to be upset at any cost. He fucking offered to help me cut sausage and explained how challenging a task it can be. Um, look at the God damned computer screen instead of watching me and the sausage will get cut just fine, thanks. i'm good that way. i can take a disgusting hunk of lard and spicy pig eyelids and manage to get it into patties. i hate being viewed as pathetic and inept even if i am.

i know this mood. It will pass and everything will seem fine for a while. Then it will return again. WHAT NOW?