Comfort and DIscomfort

The discomfort of the punishment gave way to a great respite of comfort. Now i'm hoping i'm not getting too comfortable already. i don't want to and can't let myself. Being overtired and under-medicated and stressed and generally insane aren't going to matter if i screw up and i do NOT want to screw up. i want that whip to be as retired as Archie is.

i spoke on the phone with my mother yesterday and what she said really got to me and stuck with me. she said i turned my back on her and everyone. she said that she KNOWS my conscience isn't clear. she said i need extensive counseling and that i can't run away from my problems because they'll follow me. i understand her feelings of being abandoned by me, especially with the suddenness with which the move came about. i realize that she has no idea just how badly off i'd been emotionally. The only thing that kept me from killing myself and/or anyone else was the knowledge that i would be moving soon. That is true quite literally. i didn't tell her that my psychiatrist thought the move was a great idea. She doesn't comprehend psychiatry or psychiatric medication. i couldn't tell her that i was moving to be who i am, slave, not running. i'd rather her view me however she does now than as even MORE pathetic and crazy and deluded.

In any case, her words have been echoing through my head since the conversation. i'm not sure exactly how i'm feeling as a result. i'm not questioning my decision because it truly was NOT a decision as much as a matter of survival. i guess i just don't like being the reason my mother feels as she does nor having her regard me as she is. Even pushing forty, there's a part of me that wants her approval in a way i do no one else's. i don't need it in order to do as i should but i do want it in a way i do no one else's.

Yesterday rau signed onto SL for a moment. she hadn't answered my texts in a long time and i'd been worried about her. i was so excited to see her there. i was glad she's okay. i know suicidality has been, if anything, more of an influence upon her life than it's even been upon mine. When i don't see her, i get mad and i start thinking about how i don't care about her and don't want to have anything to do with her. That always gets a bit sharper than the time before. Then she appears again in text or IM somewhere and i am inevitably overtaken by just loving her and being grateful she's safe and wanting to be with her. i wound up typing out about five lines of welcoming jubilations and expressions of concern along with the question "Are you there?". she IMed back "yeah" and that was all the response i got from her before she signed off and vanished again, probably having stripped the avi she made to play with me of whatever transferable items her new or hidden avis could use.

i'm not dumb. i get it. But what i don't get is why she won't just say it's over directly. i've given her that out a million times. rau, i'm okay. rau, i can handle it. rau, just TELL me you're done. And she always insists it's not or she wants time or she's confused. i'm not used to being dealt with this way and it's not the way i deal with others. It's cowardly. But the last time we spoke on the phone, just last month... it was PERFECT. i guess i want to be fool enough to hold out hope in my heart even though my brain knows damn well that there is none. i even stopped sleeping with her shirt as my pillowcase.

This is Master's fault. He made me willing to love others and to have an optimism about love that is undying. By His example, He showed me that it's worth it to risk one's self and feel. Damn Him! It's not. It sucks. It hurts when it fails and i'd rather just be hateful and alone than abandoned and rejected. i don't know if Master ever read the private blog about His rejection. He never commented on that one. There are some fleeting moments when i can glimpse optimism and it looks deceptively safe. No! Screw that. Solitude is safe. Isolation is safe. Hope sucks. Trust hurts. No, thank you. Fuck you, world. i AM a rock. i Am an island. And a rock feels no pain... and an island never cries...