i'm Dirt

i am incredibly upset about missing Raptor's anniversary party. It's not that i cared about the celebration itself. i'm sure it was loud and crowded and not my scene in any way. But it was for Raptor and, for that, i am despondent at having been so stupid. It was on my mind ALL week. i didn't recall how to open the invitation correctly so i even IMed him for another which he sent. i reminded my Master about it a million times. i window shopped on SLEX for just the right gifts for him and Thokk and made sure my Master remembered to give me the lindens today to get them. i checked the time several times to make sure it was at 8 and discussed with my Master how we'd work it around our responsibilities at Eight Pines during the concert at the same time. i looked at costumes on SLEX and finally decided on the green winged fairy i already had because Raptor had never seen it and her wings always remind me of him. i even changed into it. i don't necessarily see him or even communicate with him often, but Raptor means the world to me. He is there all of the million times i ask for his help, never complaining or questioning it or demanding a thing in return. And i fucked up and got the time wrong and feel totally like shit for missing the gathering. i assumed it was pm without ever perusing the invitation as i should have. i don't know whether he'll be mad. The gifts will look like an afterthought. i was on SL during the celebration and never went because i thought it was later but maybe he realized i was on. Probably not. Hopefully, and most likely, he was way too busy.

i tell people about him all the time, boasting of how wonderful he is and what a great friend and how much i love him. My Master made a comment that was actually a compliment of Raptor that i took the wrong way this morning and i even jumped Him for what i mistook as His speaking ill of Raptor. i feel like the worst friend ever. i let him down and myself down in doing so. Even if he's not mad, i am. He is a better friend to me and deserves better from me. He hasn't been on SL all night, or at least not visibly. Maybe he and Thokk are just sharing some time together which would be nice for them both. i hope he's not around for a good reason like that, something fun and self-indulgent and as wonderful as he is.

my guess is that he won't give my absence a second thought and that the upset i feel is my own disappointment in myself. If he is upset and i did hurt him, i will be all the more morose. If he is mad, i don't know whether he'll believe what is the full truth. It was an innocent, if moronic, mistake on my part. Plus i told my Master the wrong time so i'm responsible for His not being there too. If Raptor is mad at Master, that's on me too. Ugh! It never seems to matter how good my intentions are. i'm a total fuck-up. i hate that! HATE it.