i regret it already. i wish i hadn't cut. It did nothing except for making an unbearable situation even worse if that was even possible. Now i'm just dreading Master's waking up.
Master said last night that i'm not intimidated by Him. Of course He said that. i told Him i wasn't and i showed Him i wasn't when He was furious with me The thing is, i AM intimidated by Him! Very. When He shoved away the box i was leaning on last night, i nearly screamed. So many years of learning to hide fear from students have me automatically snap into this mode of a false and even cavalier calm that i don't feel. When a teenager with nearly a foot on me in height and a violent past threatens to kill you, you'd damn well better look to him as if you can hold your own. Well, when a Master with at LEAST a foot on me in height is demonstratively mad, it feels about the same and i snapped into the same mode. The fear stays dormant until later.
As with fear, so many of my emotions are submerged while in the heart of a situation, be it good or bad. No one is privy to them until later, not even me much of the time, until i choose to reveal what i'm feeling. Emotion is supposed to be spontaneous but mine aren't. i've learned that it's not safe for them to be and grown skilled in keeping them hidden. That's not kajira. If i come out of this with a collar still, i need to figure out how to stop filing away my feelings for a more private and convenient time.
If not...
i have NO idea what i'll do, not in any respect of my life.
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