The Old Me

i feel like i recaptured some of the old me yesterday, the me that is slave and knows it and wants it. There are several reasons this happened and all involved my dealing with... of all things... other people.

willow's blog helped me to re-examine my transformation and evolution as kajira. she's fifteen yet i could have said so many of the things she did in equal truth at my current state.

her description of downplaying compliments is exactly what i do and always have. i love when Master pays me a compliment but it is SO awkward to hear and i never know quite how to react or respond. i never meet His eyes then and just try to move the subject along expeditiously. i hate having positive attention focused on me in exactly the same way willow described.

willow's description of enjoying doing things for others rings true for me as well. It has always been on my terms before but it is in my nature. Since being in Master's collar, the list of people for whom i did such things expanded a millionfold. The who stopped mattering nearly as much as the what did. i began to let myself enjoy serving others rather than faulting myself for wanting to do so. That has been one of the nicest surprises being here with Master. The chores, while still chores, are satisfying. i don't despise and tolerate them as i suspected i would but actually feel satisfied with myself for doing them. i enjoy some of them at times. i like that i can finally do things i could never force myself to do and i like helping Master. i've been more proud of my newfound ability to deal with housework than i usually was when i had a "real" job.

willow's description of needing to capitalize on her stubbornness while shedding her immaturity sure hit home. It's embarrassing that at nearly forty i can make the same self-assessment as a teenager just beginning to emerge into her own. It's time to channel the stubbornness more appropriately even though it will mean fighting long-ingrained habits. It's a source of my not liking myself and needs to be left behind along with the former me.

willow's talk of frugality also turned into something which made me feel good. Growing up on Long Island, rich in the eyes of most of the country, i really did wonder whether i'd be able to adjust to owning nothing and not having what i've been used to materially. First of all, Master has been true to His word about letting me hang onto things like the ipod. i recognize it as a privilege rather than a right or a possession of mine and there have been times i worried that He'd take it or the phone in punishment. It's not as if we've dealt with any deprivation of any kind yet but there are things i would have wanted and demanded and gotten back on Long Island that, at most, have been occasional fleeting thoughts here. The same things whose absence would have sent me into a tailspin a month ago now mean nothing. i don't see this worry as coming to fruition any longer. i'll deal with what we have and what we don't. my being spoiled is more a matter of attitude than items.

Okay, moving on from willow, my teenage mentor...

There were other revelations yesterday as well. One thing was that Master said He would have whipped me the other night had the lights been back on and i not been afraid of how creepy it got outside. i haven't believed Him the other times He's alluded to it but this time i do. He meant it. Yikes. It would have been well-deserved but... yikes. It sounded a lot more palatable when i didn't thing He'd actually do it. i don't know if He'd have actually hurt me but i also don't know how much He'd have needed to for it to totally suck. i don't want Him to regret not doing it then or give Him reason to do it again. i'd resigned to shape up my attitude even before He told me about it and think i did at least somewhat better yesterday but there's plenty of room for further improvement.

i haven't found a balance yet with the line between humor and disrespect, especially since it admittedly hinges upon Master's mood. Then again, i've never managed to define and stay on the correct side of that line with anyone or in any situation my entire life. Master feels as if He warned me and i'm sure He did. i really am oblivious to when the responses of others are playful and when they are serious under these circumstances. It's gotten me into trouble my whole life.

The night of the power outage wasn't a question of walking the line. i was WAY over onto the other side without a doubt. Often it is a matter of my not being able to identify that line though, nor the signals from the person who's defining it in a given situation. v's idea about Master saying enough was awesome. If He blatantly identifies the line for me then i think i'll have the sense to respect it. If i don't then i imagine He'll teach me to in a way i don't like. At least i won't be left in the doghouse, when it's way too late, worrying where i went wrong that turned fun into a fiasco.

Dealing with v last night was also revealing in other ways. her upset about trying to balance between free and slave worlds was obviously relevant to me. Beyond that though, she made me think about the differences between serving online and in person. When it was only online, i was so much more keenly aware of my role and the responsibilities of it. i guess maybe that's because it was defined... When i sit here and do this, i am being slave. When i'm elsewhere... well... that slave thing is a factor but it's somewhat on the back burner, of necessity as much as convenience. Also, i was more in touch with the fact that it was on me to be slave, not Master to make me be. His power was obviously that which i gave Him and no more.

In person i developed the attitude that, since He is now in a position to make me do as i should, it is His job to do so. That's absurd. i am slave whether He chooses to tolerate insubordination or not and, as such, i'd damn well better behave like one. When i don't it's unfair to Him and to myself. Neither of us is happy. i feel like crap and He can't possibly feel very good either. i let us both down. It's not my place to question why He tolerates what He does and His tolerance should bring about a lack of effort on my part.

i did see that finally and blogged about it in the morning yesterday but it was further reinforced in numerous ways all through the day. Master and i even discussed it directly for a moment. It may have been slow in coming but at least i know this now. Hopefully my obstinate streak won't erase my memory at the wrong time.

There are two other issues on my mind. One is my elbow which i'm really becoming convinced needs to be dealt with medically, as much as i despise the idea. my insurance SHOULD still be valid as far as i know. The other issue is the second blog i now have, a private one. It's ludicrous that Master not have full access to it and, as much as i am mortified for Him to read some of it, i also recognize the importance of His knowing what and how i'm thinking. So no more hiding the blog. i will send Him the link and hope that He reads it all, as nervous as that still makes me. i'm never going to be comfortable in my own skin hiding facets of myself from Him. As my teenage counterpart put it in her blog, i feel exposed. she said, "... it's not about me and my comforts, in the end this will make me a better kajira and i definitely want to do my best and take advantage in what i can with my limits". Well said, willow.