Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fuck it!

i'm in a pissed off, "fuck it", feeling sorry for myself, hating the world mood. So... on that note... FUCK IT!  FUCK IT!!  FUCK IT!!!  FUCK IT!!!!  FUCK IT!!!!! 

Okay... moving right along...

GRRR!!!  i thought i knew what i was going to write about but everything that seemed "poor me" a minute ago sounds "whiny little bitch" now, even in my own head.  

And then i arrived home to Master's message about the kennel.  my very first thought was  peaceful, just being glad that Master made the decision and i didn't have to deal with it.

But that lasted about a split second before my mood reverted back to that oh so very eloquent sentiment of "fuck it"!  And now i just fucking realized that i'm fucking home alone and i fucking have to nadu and i don't even fucking know if i'm doing it right and i don't fucking feel like it!  i'm in the middle of setting up my pills in their containers for the week, which i cannot do in nadu because Norman will get to them, and they are looking REALLY good right now.  i hadn't thought of it in a while but i have a website saved that says how much of any different medication or combination of medications it takes to kill yourself.  i think it's based on a male of a certain base weight but how hard can it be to adjust?

What the fuck am i doing?  What the fuck am i thinking?  i hate how fucked up i am.  i hate everything about myself.  And what the fuck happens when Master figures out what a lost cause i am?  What then?  And i am so fucking fucked up that i'm distracted by the fucking fact that too many sentences start with "and".  i'm a fucking lunatic.

Great!  my meds were set and i was in nadu for all of about four seconds when j got back home.  And i don't know whether to take them anyway.  i can't take them without eating and i'm not eating.  i refuse.  And how the fuck can anyone eat normally when they are TOLD to eat normally but that they need to share everything they ate and drank?  It's like when the doctor jams a stethoscope in your chest and says to breathe normally.  Not fucking likely.

So i'm going to try to go to sleep with the inspired parting thought of "fuck it"!


Kennel

nou is off punishment... FINALLY... and, though it wasn't the smoothest segue off, i'm very happy about it.  i think i worked through a lot yesterday.  Master pushed me hard enough that i got to some things i'd been worrying about but wasn't ready to share.  i wonder if i had shared them in the first place if that might have gone more smoothly.  Probably so.  

Sometimes thoughts cross my mind and i don't always know which are important and which irrelevant.  The recurrent ones usually make it to my blog.  i guess i need to try not to weed out any and touch upon as many as i can in the blog.  Sometimes they show themselves as significant even when i wasn't expecting it.  And Master knows which to probe further.  He knows how.  He knows when.  It's not easy for me to have blind faith in anyone, even Him, but more and more i do.

There's still a part i need to give over to Him though, a piece of self i know i'm clinging to.  In the poem it was one foot remaining in the wrappings for the doll to scramble back if things got too scary.  Sometimes i have only one toe in there, other times my whole leg.  But i need to get to the point where NOTHING is in there.  i'm not sure that can be done online but i know it can go further than where i am now.  
For all my happiness in being unrestricted following the punishment, i actually find myself not wanting to leave the sims.  Part of it, i realize, is fear.  my box might be as small as the one Master built around me or indefinitely large... as large as the sims even.  i had reset sl to sign me on at home regardless of where i signed off.  i found myself signed on underwater in my spot.  But it didn't feel like my spot anymore, just foreign and wrong.  

i promised Master i wouldn't hide so i decided to go to my kennel and set that as home instead.  It seemed a simple enough idea and a good one.  Boy was i off the mark with that estimation!  i got there and realized that my cushion is in the first kennel.  That totally took me by surprise, an unexpected slap in the face i hadn't even been thinking about.

So now i don't know what to do.  i'm not going in the first kennel because i'm not first girl and i don't belong there or want to get in trouble.  But Master didn't say to remove the cushion either and i can't bring myself to do that until He does.  i thought i'd gotten used to the idea of not being first.  Apparently not!

So that left me having a little standoff with myself.  i just crawled into an empty kennel without any cushion and am now kneeling in there.  i haven't rezzed a cushion because i don't want this stupid kennel.  i want the one i can't have.  Wanting the one thing i can't have?  How unusual for me.. NOT!  i hated that kennel when it was mine.  i never used it.  i so totally took for granted that it was mine.

My home is still set for that stupid spot underwater.  I can't even understand how i found refuge there.  It just annoys me now.  But i don't know what to do about a kennel.  

LOL, amusingly enough i just got logged off sl for inactivity.  So i had to sign back on and find myself at that stupid spot i just complained about.  God does have a sense of humor!

In any case, i probably should set another kennel as home but i don't want to and Master never told me to.  Likewise with removing the cushion from the first kennel.  i'll do both the second Master says.  i await the order.  But that tiny piece of me that holds out hope of reclaiming first girl is not about to do either without Master's direction.  i'm not sure if that's stubbornness or optimism.  i'm inclined to say stubbornness since optimism is all but a foreign concept to me.  But maybe it is some of both.  

Monday, September 29, 2008

Bad

i want to do something bad.  Anything.  i don't have anything in mind.  It's not as i there is something i want to do but i'm not allowed to and i'm having trouble resisting the temptation.  i just want to do the wrong thing, to get in trouble, to have the security i always have right after Master punishes me.  

This from the same beast who wrote just a short time ago, and truthfully so, that she had never wanted so badly to be GOOD.  What the hell is wrong with me?  i feel like sybil!

misha imed me and we've been chatting.  It's been fairly superficial but i've calmed down a lot.  There truly is something helpful about dealing with socializing.

Out of Touch

i feel as if SOMETHING is wrong but i'm not really sure what.  i'm just uneasy.  i think this might be one of those times Master meant when He said not to be surprised if He pulls the whip on me when i don't think i've done anything wrong, a time when He can see i need it.  There has to be a way to bipass the whip and figure out what is going on.

Part of it, i think, is anticipation of my two extra days on the whipping posts being over today.  i have no idea whether Master intends to take me down.  The strange thing is that i'm not even sure of what i hope He will do.  Two days ago i thought i would be counting the seconds, that i couldn't wait to be down.  But now i sort of wonder.  It's comfortable there... not physically, of course, but safe in that it keeps me out of trouble.  i know my place there and can't possibly forget it.  i actually sort of like the sameness of signing on and seeing myself there and just not wondering what to anticipate.  

It is boring but there is security in boredom.  i'd rather stay there and behave than be let down and risk screwing up again.  i've never in my life wanted so badly to be good.  i want to prove i can be, to Master and to myself.  Maybe it is not just that i've never WANTED this badly to be good but that i've never before believed that there was any chance i COULD be.  The last few days have been so easy for me.  Behaving has been effortless like never before.  I haven't had to force it or fight myself to do it.  It was just... there.  Natural.  Right.  Automatic.  Simple.

When i began writing this, i thought i was worried that Master would NOT let me down from the whipping posts.  Now i realize i'm actually worried that He will.  It's amazing how out of touch i can be with my true feelings and also how much writing helps to illustrate them to me.

i just reread what i have written so far and it occurs to me that wanting to stay on the whippings posts is a cop-out of sorts.  It is a way of hiding, albeit in plain sight.  It's what i was doing with my rl for such a long time, sticking with sameness rather than taking a risk.  My rl WAS where i belonged at one time.  i loved and learned and grew a lot.  But when it came time to move on, i clung to it rather than letting it go.  What was once my elation is now killing me.

i guess being afraid to move forward when anything is over, even failing to see when it is over, is more destructive than i realized.  Things don't remain status quo because time continues to pass and other factors change.  So, rather than  just treading water and remaining in place, the stagnation starts to erode me, to chip away at my soul.  The same parameters that once fostered my progress are now the ones which hold me back and even cause me to regress.

i understand that i have to move forward in life.  i understand that the unknown is scary.  One of the things that makes it all the more terrifying for me though is how it can be so totally right at one point and, in time, become so totally wrong.  If that could happen with my marriage, why could it not happen with Master too?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Moment of Truth

My first thought was to say that there was no real moment when i knew i was slave.  In considering that further, though, i think i can identify the turning point.  Writing in this blog after Master whipped me, i did feel a piece of the puzzle snap into place.  And with that the balance was tipped from me being free in my mind or thinking i can juggle the impossible duality to the definite and liberating realization that i am slave.  Since then, it has been increasing.  It's not absolute, not yet, and i know that puts me at risk for getting in my own way again.  

The funny thing about that moment is that it wasn't actually the idea that i am slave which was highlighted directly.  It was the idea that i was wrong.  i had truly been so arrogant as to think i couldn't be, not when i was so sure i was right.  The epiphany that i could be that blind to something which was, in hindsight and with the clarity of fresh lash marks on my flash, so obvious was truly a wake-up call for me.  It was in that moment that i really started to give myself over to Master, vowing to let myself trust Him, believing that He DOES know better than i do.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

My mind is reeling with the emotions of everything from being Master's truly to nou's plight.  i guess i'll start with the good now that there is some good.  Wait,  That's the wrong way to say it.  i should say that i'll start with the happiness because there is happiness now.  But the misery is good too because i need it.  i hate it and it hurts but i'm not fighting it because i know i need it.  No, i'm not fighting it because Master has decided i need it.  The fact i realize He is right is irrelevant.  He IS right.  Period.  Whether i realize it or not.  i'm not fighting it because i trust in Him and am truly striving to relinquish control to Him in all ways possible.

Anyway, the happy part was showering Master's beast this morning.  i was literally giggling in the shower.  i love the idea of thinking of myself as His, part by part... the idea of BEING His, part by part.  For some reason it sunk in more today.  i feel it more today.  Every move i make, every choice, every thought reminds me of Master and that i am answerable to Him.  i love that.  i want an opportunity to kneel but haven't had one yet.  i need to straighten up around the computer to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself i can do it.

Things with J are strained more than ever.  i feel as if i left him already.  Touching him is awkward.  It's hard to meet his eyes.  i keep thinking about what to tell him and how.  It is complicated by the fact that no one locally will support me in my choice.  They will all think i am crazy and being deceived and impulsive and making a mistake.  People don't just leave a secure job and marriage and family to be a slave to someone they've never even met.  There are friends i wish i could talk to but i don't think i can.  The fact is that any choice any of us make may be a mistake.  we don't have crystal balls.  i know this could be one too but it is mine to make.  And it is right.  It would just be nice to have someone i could talk with about it irl.

Moving on to nou, she is despondent but has learned more from this experience than from any other other by far.  As big an impression as the whipping made, as hard as i have been trying to serve Master as i should, as much as i vowed to not become complacent regarding my attitude... last night made me realize that i was already starting to drift back in that direction.  i knew Master would whip me any time He wanted but, even still hanging from a punishment on the posts, i was actually surprised He did.  What the hell is the matter with me that i can feel that secure so quickly and not fear the whip until it is about to strike?  Until i figure that out, my attitude with necessitate that Master keep punishing me to teach me.  

How could i have forgotten about the two extra days so entirely that i didn't even know what He was talking about when He referred to them?  Some of it, i think, was being so flustered from being whipped, from watching v punished which was just as bad as taking it myself, and from changing my tag.  But a part of me felt like it was over and needed to be shown that it wasn't and isn't going to be.  If i get so comfortable as to think it is behind me again, the trip back to the whipping posts will be a quick one.

The worst of it, other than His final parting words to "meat", was being made second girl from first.  i cried.  i felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.  i can't believe how much i had taken first for granted.  And every maladaptive instinct in my head threatened to emerge.  i wanted to run away in any way i can.  Some tantrumming brat piece of me actually wanted to say that if i couldn't keep first that i wouldn't stay.  i actually thought that.  i knew it was ridiculous but some part of me obviously still clings to that my-way-or-no-way mentality.  i can't think of a quicker route to getting my ass kicked irl.

Another part of me wanted to play martyr, to get down on myself and start punishing myself on top of what Master already was.  i wanted to keep the kajira-in-training tag on.  i wanted to beat myself up.  And i think i wanted to punish Master too, for making me hurt.  i wasn't mad at Him but i guess i didn't want it to be easy for Him.  Now i don't think it WAS easy for Him but i was just thinking selfishly then.  If i couldn't run then i wanted to stay and pout.

The growth is evident in the fact that i did neither.  i kept my mouth shut other than to respond to Master respectfully when needed.  i took no actions other than to obey Him.  i discarded my own agenda and just accepted that He is in control and knows best.  i don't think i ever really understood what Master meant when He has s aid to just "be".  But maybe this is it.  Letting it happen instead of making it happen.  Usually a it of time and distance sheds a new light on things for me as it has with this.  Working through the hurt to get to that point of lucidity is a challenge but it is possible.  i did it.

Talking to susie has been eye opening.  i seem to say to her the things that i need to hear myself say.  It kills me to admit it but Master WAS completely right about everything right down to enforcing the two extra days and taking first away.  Some idiotic part of me thought He might not so He HAD to.  Why do i need Him to be that harsh in order for me to learn and remember anything?  Will i ever get the message without His having to torture me with it?  It is not for lack of trying on His part to do otherwise.  i'd still be clueless and mouthing off if He hadn't punished me.  i don't doubt that for a second.  i hope that i can start to learn without punishment but i'm not sure how to get from here to there other than to keep working at absolute obedience not just in deed but in attitude.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Day One... One Day...

i'm leaving behind 
all i thought i valued,
A life predictably secure,
For the true course i am destined to charter,
The Gor books my travel brochure.

This mantra keeps me focused.
Its truth has now become my creed.
Liberation is torture.
Through submission i am freed.

Where now are the fears 
that hobble with their grasp,
Anxieties once my slaver?
They've shrunken to size, parasitic no more,
Today it's happiness i savor.

This mantra keeps me focused.
Its truth has now become my creed.
Liberation is torture.
Through submission i am freed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i feel as if i am ducking the question, as if i SHOULD have stronger worries and doubts than i do.  But i don't want it to become a self-fulfilling prophesy either.  Today WAS wrought with emotion as Master suggested.  i was HAPPY.  Honestly, truly, purely happy.  i felt settled, calm and content, as i haven't in years.  

i don't feel trapped but embraced.  i keep looking for a loophole, a problem, as if i'm not allowed to be happy... not even allowed to write about it.  The truth is that, for all my concerns, by far the most prevalent emotion is happiness and a huge sense of relief.  i don't know why i feel as if i'm shirking some kind of duty by NOT being unhappy and having some sort of misery to write about.  i really don't think i even know how to be happy without getting in my own way.  

i guess that is the revelation of the day.



Friday, September 26, 2008

Remote Control

A doll greets the real world,
Manufactured far away,
Fresh from her packaging,
Unharmed and seeking play.

Her batteries are new,
Her hopes alive and well.
The manual is missing.
No directions to foretell.

Living's not her forte.
She retreats within her box.
The cellophane protects her
From life's school of hard knocks.

Combative with the world,
Each time she ventures out,
Confidence exemplified
While inside filled with doubt.

One day a Man appears
Peddling respite from her woe.
She scarce believes His wild claims
But a voice within shouts "GO".

She follows Him with caution,
Remaining safely back,
One foot within her wrappings
To escape if led off track.

She wants to gamble nothing,
To grow up without pain,
Her self-imposed illusions
A debilitating drain.

Slowly He reveals His truth,
Mastery His calling.
He shatters her delusions
Which leaves her weak and bawling.

She fights Him with her mind
While giving Him her soul,
Oblivious to truth,
Winning still her goal.

Resistance soon consumes her,
Treading water, sinking still.
Struggling internally
To make her way uphill.

Master can take just so much
Until He wields His whip,
Warning her of more to come
If she let's her tongue slip.

Clarity soon finds her,
Wrought by Master's words and arm.
It's love that guides His actions
And His pain that spares her harm.

Having cake and eating it,
Being boss and humble slave
Yields her exactly nothing
Save for a mental grave.

She must discard her package,
Step forward with no ties,
Trust fully in her Master,
Acknowledge self-told lies.

Casting off her batteries,
Dead so very many years,
She puts her faith in Master,
Delivers Him her fears.

Her questions do not matter.
She takes Him at His word.
Obeying absolutely,
The thought of doubts absurd.

He inserts His strong 9-volt,
And though time has taken toll,
He loves her, His precious own
In absolute control.



Thursday, September 25, 2008

Renegades of Gor - page 157

There are at least two separate elements to this quote.  The first is the reference to the whip.  

"The whip is good for us," she said.  "Perhaps it is hard for you to understand that, as you are not a woman.  It makes our womanhood a hundred times more meaningful.  The essential point here is not being whipped, of course, which hurts, but being subject to the whip, and being truly subject to it.  You see the distinction, i am sure."

i guess having just been whipped, it couldn't be much clearer to me.  i'm hard-pressed to think of a time i feel more wholly owned than under Master's whip.  my life is in His hands at all times but that is never more clearly illustrated than when He wields the whip.  Knowing He can whip me, remembering He has whipped me... those should suffice and do for most.  But the absolute helplessness of just waiting for it to end, trembling tearfully and hoping it is over, trying to answer Him as He wishes in speed and content... of watching my avi suffer and wondering what that whip would do to my own flesh... i am more His in my mind at that moment than at any other and it stays with me.  How do i get that same feeling from being SUBJECT to the whip without needing to be UNDER it?  That is an answer i don't yet have but, until i find the answer, i have no doubt i am going to be unhappily under the whip with little provocation.

"We know that men are by nature sovereign over us.  That comprehension requires no greater insight.  Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs.  Accordingly we despise men who surrender their natural sovereignty.  Surely, we would not be so stupid, would not be such weaklings and fools as to do that, if we were men.  It would be too valuable and too glorious a thing to give up.  Its surrender would be a tragedy."

i guess this leaves me questioning what this means for J.  He WANTS to step up into a role of providing more control.  He said and meant that when he and i spoke the other night.  But i don't think he could ever be Master in my mind.  He might in someone else's but how could i ever possibly view him that way?  Maybe that is because it is not how i saw him first, not how i got to know him.  In contrast, Master was Master when i met Him and nothing since has ever made me view Him as less.  Even reconciling the image of Him as former slave is still a challenge.  

So should we, J and i, try for something closer to his being in control?  As much as i love the idea that it has any possibility of working, i am strongly inclined to say no.  He would not be striving for nor achieving the full persona of Master and i would attack him for anything less as the next part of the quote says.  i cannot fathom anyone but Master dealing with me as i don't necessarily want but do need to be dealt with.

"But we are not men!  We are women, and want, truly, with everything in out hearts and bellies, to be women, and we cannot be women truly if men are not truly men!  Lay down the whip, and we will attack you, and undermine you, and use your own laws, institutions, and rhetorics to destroy.  Own us, dominate us!  Enslave us, properly, so that we may love you as a women are meant to love, wholly and irreservedly, totally, without thought of ourselves!"  She looked at me, tears in her eyes.  "Is it so wrong to want to be ourselves?"

The "lay down the whip" sentence rings truer than anything else possibly could.  It is the story of both my first life and my second life.  i often feel as if my need for that overt control means that i am not truly slave, that i would not need such an outward and blatant demonstration if i was.  This quote totally refutes that doubt.  i think the quote means that my need is an attempt to define myself, to affirm who i am, and to give me permission to be that self.  

I never expected revelations from writing as dramatic as those which have come tonight but i am grateful for them and for the fact that they are now a resource for me to look back upon when needed.

The Whipping

i had concluded that awaiting a whipping had to be worse than actually getting one.  i was wrong.  It was awful.  It scares me to death and when i freak out the dogs freak out so Master is screaming at me and whipping me and blood is flying and the dogs are barking and i'm hyperventilating.  i'm trying to type and i can barely even get out "yes, Master" because my hands are shaking so badly and i'm crying and nauseous and utterly miserable and penitent and... for the first time in what may be weeks, i feel no desire to cut myself.  i feel more grateful to be Master's, more love for Him, more unworthy of Him.  i feel beaten down to nothing... and whole... finally whole.  What i want ---or THINK i want--- and what i need are not the same things.  It's so obvious right at this moment.

The foremost thoughts in my mind right now are about Master's sensitivity.  The last time He whipped me i begged release because He talked about uncollaring me and i wanted to run before He could.  Forgetting the fact that i was being an idiot at that time, it just highlights even more how sensitive Master was this time.  Any other Master would have taken my collar long ago.  Raptor has said as much.  Not only did Master not take it this time but He never threatened it.  He was obviously careful not to threaten it.  He heard what i said last time, remembered it, and even decided to heed it despite how badly i screwed up this time.  

What i find most agonizing about that is the fact that i have been so totally self-absorbed that it never occurred to me until just now that anyone that sensitive to others, to me, must feel things Himself with that same acute sensitivity.  It's obvious now.  i've seen it and known it at some level but never really consciously processed it before.  

It actually serves to highlight another issue as well.  i have been serving Master as i thought He should be served.  He and i have butted heads when His wishes didn't mesh with how i saw it as working.  He is absolutely right.  How dare i?  Who the fuck do i think i am?  This is exactly what happened with kimmie that i couldn't get past.  i wasn't serving Him.  i was carrying out my own agenda of how i thought He should be served, blatantly ignoring how He ordered me to act.  i saw that at the time but i was so damn convinced i was right that i never really thought much of it.  i've been blind.

This sucks in many ways and i hate feeling as i do but it also is so clear to me right now.  i feel for the first time in days as if i have my Master back.  The epiphany is that He was never gone.  i was.  And the ONLY way i was going to feel His presence was through His being harsh.  He had no need to whip me, got nothing from it save maybe the release of some frustration, if that.  But i needed it.  And once again, He always gives me not what i think i want, but what i actually need.  Why i am blessed with such a Master is beyond me.

Responding to Master's observations...

i'm not sure where to begin so i guess i will take it piecemeal and then respond to the body of it as a whole.  

"you are slave 100%"

my initial thought is to say that is not so because a slave doesn't need a constant reminder that she is slave.  she doesn't need to be beaten down over and over again, emotionally and physically, to know that she is slave.  i guess it depends how slave is being defined.  i also don't know whether my statement is consistent with the Norman books.  i can't wait until they arrive because i think reading them firsthand and in full may help my understanding a lot.  It's sort of absurd how unfamiliar i actually am.

"as such it is discipline and control you desire, you crave"

That is both true and untrue.  my fantasy world has ALWAYS, since i was small, involved discipline and control.  Not just involved it but been based entirely upon it, those being the consistent and integral factors of it all through my life...  On the other hand, in my reality, i have always sought to be the one meting out the discipline and control.   i have never been able to find any sort of balance.  i can be entirely controlling or entirely controlled but any attempts at a more equitable distribution of power always leads to disaster.  Still, in rl, i tend to hate being disciplined and controlled.  i resent it.  i fight it.  my mind compensates by balancing my rl control with fantasies of being controlled.  sl now largely fills the role that used to be largely left to my imaginings and writings and creative explorations.  

But just as truly as my mind seeks the discipline and control, it also fights it.  So do i crave it or do i shun it?  i guess i know the truth of it to be that i do crave it but i fear this fact SO much that i fight it with everything in me, with the entirety of my consciousness and intellect.  In doing so, i fight myself.  The chance for contentment dangles in front of me and, rather than running to it, i run from it.  How can i fear myself that greatly?  Why do i?  More importantly, how do i stop?

"you are a type A personality"

No question about that!  i think my photo may be included in that chapter in psych textbooks.  If it's not, it should be.

"always having to be in control in rl and anywhere you see a lack of discipline and control because as a slave you need these things above all else"

i guess maybe that means that i am so in need of them EXISTING in my world that i will make them exist even if i have to be the one who creates them.  i hadn't looked at it that way before.  It's sort of another extension of the two-sides-of-the-same-coin idea.  It is not a question of who is wielding the control as much as of the fact that i have to a need to make sure is exists, however i can muster it.  But when i'm the one who creates it, i am inevitably scared and unhappy.  i need control enough to bring it about even when doing so destroys me but, when i am subject to it at the hand of Master, it is my greatest security and joy.

"you would prefer they be imposed on you by a Master but if they are not you HAVE to have them so you step into the breach and try to impose them yourself... which of course is impossible... this is a major reason you border on an emotional and nervous breakdown most of the time"

A long time ago Master suggested that in slavery i might also find sanity.  There is no small amount of irony in the fact that every person i know rl, would see the slavery as the insanity.  And a part of me does too.  A part of me wonders how i could consider "giving up" all i have for enslavement.  i've never been materialist.  Money has always been fun but meaningless to me.  But the autonomy!  i guess it seems as if it SHOULD make me happy.  What i'd actually be giving up, though, is insecurity and maybe depression... maybe self-loathing... maybe all the things which make me cut and punish myself when i feel out of control.

"The only way you will be truly happy is to have control taken completely out of your hands and become 100% slave... whether this is possible or not, it is the only way you will find true happiness"

i don't know whether i would be truly happy as 100% slave.  It is too much of a hypothetical to accurately predict.  But i do know that i will NEVER be truly happy without becoming 100% slave.  If true happiness exists for me... IF... it is as slave.

Wow.  It really is pretty simple.  And obvious.  And impossible.  But maybe not if i look at it for today rather than trying to bite off a bigger chunk of my life than i can right now.  i am slave.  i cannot live as slave today but i can aspire to it.  i can take steps to move my life in that direction.  i can accept it and work toward it rather than stagnating and being miserable.  There will be a time when i can live as slave and hopefully i will know that time when it comes.  Until that time, i can learn more and form no unseverable ties and start setting the foundation for what my future needs to be.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Raptor

i asked Raptor... What do you do when someone lies to you?  Someone worth keeping in your life... How do you trust them again, believe them again.  Forgiveness isn't the issue.  i can forgive. But how do you not let it change how you see them?

He said... you can't.  Maybe you eventually realize they're worth their mistake.  But total trust will simply take time.

He is right, of course.  And i knew that already.  Somehow hearing it helped though.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Moment of Truth

J told me just now that we might be set to close on the house on Friday... as in four days from now.  i am freaking out.  The idea of signing away the rest of my life to a mortgage and mundane existence that leaves me miserable is beyond depressing.  But so is the idea of leaving those who love and need me or facing so many unknown and often unpalatable aspects of the existence i am considering.  

The little kajira on one shoulder urges me to do what is right, to follow through with the commitments that i chose to take on in my life, to ride out the unhappiness and see it as adult reality, to discard all else as selfish fantasy destined to be temporary and without substance in the real world.  she steers me wrong.  i cannot play the game, project the image, learn my part and spout my lines as i have been any longer.  It is chipping away at me and i barely function in this life any longer.

The little kajira on my other shoulder urges me to follow my heart, to take the risk i've never dared to take, to allow myself to be vulnerable in exchange for never having to wonder about "what if", to seek what just might be happiness and sanity and a new height of serenity, to get out of my own way and just pursuit my dreams.  she too steers me wrong.  i cannot have any contentment knowing i have abandoned the people in my life whose existence i shape.  Had i the capacity for this magnitude of disloyalty and self-serving, i would not be kajira.

That leads back to the question of whether i am.  Master says "yes" though He also made some points after He whipped me where He doubted it.  He said He wanted to get my attention and He certainly accomplished that but He chose he words He did because He knew they would hit home, because He knew they applied to me.  Had He wanted the attention of another, He would have selected different words of torment, ones suited to her.  He knows me, the inner workings of my mind, but then i know Him as well.

As excruciating as this duality is, part kajira and part Free, i don't know that happiness exists for me in either world at the entire exclusion of the other.  There is way too much dominant in me to be only slave and far too much slave in me to live only as Free.  So i am back again to searching for a balance, a way to make both worlds exist harmoniously.  

One factor, if i am ever to achieve that, has to be truth.  Master knows of my Free world.  J needs to know of my slave world.  He may not need to know everything, may not even wish to know, but i need the liberation of being able to share it with him.  i hope he can handle it.  i hope he might accept it, perhaps take an interest in it, understand that it is not a game.  

After all, how can i expect him to see me for who i am unless and until i can?  i think i'm ready to take this step, even a tiny one, in that direction and show him.  Who i am today is not the same as who he married.  i can't try to be or pretend to be any longer.  I am reassured by the idea of placing it in his hands as to whether join me on this journey and grow with me or to fight it and push me further away.  i truly hope he can handle sharing this path with me.  i love him.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

kajiranuisance is more like it!

i am scared to write because i think i know, more and more lately, that i can't keep walking the line as i have been trying to do.  i can't exist in both worlds, kajira and Free, and maintain any sanity in either.  Yet the thought of turning my back on either is unfathomable.  Where do i belong?  Where is my head and heart?  Where would i be if there were no other factors?  The unequivocal answer is that i would be at Master's kneel.  i don't often feel kajira in the sense that i wish to serve all Free.  i tolerate that because it is Master's wish.  But serving Him is a gift.  

A little while ago He told me to remain where i was and wait for Him there until He returned.  i didn't know where He was going or how long He would be gone.  And all i could think was how wonderful it was that i knew exactly what was expected of me.  It was so clearly defined.  i was to wait.  Angering Master petrifies me every time but pleasing Him... there is so much security in that, in just knowing my place and not struggling with it.  Master says "good girl" and my world is serene and complete.  How can an existence be any more extraordinary than that?

Though the struggle has been especially hard recently.  Master is right about it being better to get my feelings out here than elsewhere because they have been a challenge to keep in check lately and my mind has constantly been racing and plotting.  i not only have wanted badly to hurt myself but i have even planned it out.  i have seriously thought about leaving both my rl or my second life, alternating between which i thought made the most sense to abandon.  Each makes sense in its own ways.  Yet i cannot leave either.  Nor can i remain in both.  

The impossibility makes me want hurt myself all the more... more often, more severely.  And i feel like i cannot tell Master about that either.  It wouldn't be fair.  Stupid kimmie used her stupid illnesses to whine her stupid way out of being dealt with as anyone else might have been.  i don't know how much of my difficulties and mood swings are caused by mental illness as opposed to my just being stuck in an existence which doesn't fit me.  But i'm not about to say something is drawing me close to hurting myself the way she would say things made her close to having a seizure.  That i haven't done it amazes me too.  The thought of admitting it to Master afterward is beyond what i can cope with.

The other part, i guess, is that as much as i might hate it, i know i do better when He is stricter.  i'm not going to behave any better than He makes me.  i wish i would, and i manage it briefly at times, but basically i'll only meet the standard He insists upon.  i'm not sure that's kajira as much as bothersome brat though, hence kajiranuisance.  It's not fair to Master that He should have to be on me for nonsense behaviors like smartass comments.  i know they are a disservice to Him.  They are a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me though and i do fear shedding them.

My other obsession lately, along with self-injury and running away from one of my lives, is rereading old notecards.   i've read the murder/suicide one a lot lately, even memorizing quotes from it.  Today i reread the one of when Master whipped me, feeling that is imminent again.  i still can't bring myself to read the one with the quirt.  i can't delete it but can't bear to see it either.  Master thought i was leaving Him at one point during it.  As much as i fear Master's fury, i would subject myself to it a thousand times over rather than witness His pain.  To know i brought it about that day still kills me to think about.

So that's it for now, i guess.  Nothing revolutionary and no answers, but maybe it's enough that i can leave it here at least and serve Master well elsewhere.  i hope so.