Kennel

nou is off punishment... FINALLY... and, though it wasn't the smoothest segue off, i'm very happy about it.  i think i worked through a lot yesterday.  Master pushed me hard enough that i got to some things i'd been worrying about but wasn't ready to share.  i wonder if i had shared them in the first place if that might have gone more smoothly.  Probably so.  

Sometimes thoughts cross my mind and i don't always know which are important and which irrelevant.  The recurrent ones usually make it to my blog.  i guess i need to try not to weed out any and touch upon as many as i can in the blog.  Sometimes they show themselves as significant even when i wasn't expecting it.  And Master knows which to probe further.  He knows how.  He knows when.  It's not easy for me to have blind faith in anyone, even Him, but more and more i do.

There's still a part i need to give over to Him though, a piece of self i know i'm clinging to.  In the poem it was one foot remaining in the wrappings for the doll to scramble back if things got too scary.  Sometimes i have only one toe in there, other times my whole leg.  But i need to get to the point where NOTHING is in there.  i'm not sure that can be done online but i know it can go further than where i am now.  

For all my happiness in being unrestricted following the punishment, i actually find myself not wanting to leave the sims.  Part of it, i realize, is fear.  my box might be as small as the one Master built around me or indefinitely large... as large as the sims even.  i had reset sl to sign me on at home regardless of where i signed off.  i found myself signed on underwater in my spot.  But it didn't feel like my spot anymore, just foreign and wrong.  

i promised Master i wouldn't hide so i decided to go to my kennel and set that as home instead.  It seemed a simple enough idea and a good one.  Boy was i off the mark with that estimation!  i got there and realized that my cushion is in the first kennel.  That totally took me by surprise, an unexpected slap in the face i hadn't even been thinking about.

So now i don't know what to do.  i'm not going in the first kennel because i'm not first girl and i don't belong there or want to get in trouble.  But Master didn't say to remove the cushion either and i can't bring myself to do that until He does.  i thought i'd gotten used to the idea of not being first.  Apparently not!

So that left me having a little standoff with myself.  i just crawled into an empty kennel without any cushion and am now kneeling in there.  i haven't rezzed a cushion because i don't want this stupid kennel.  i want the one i can't have.  Wanting the one thing i can't have?  How unusual for me.. NOT!  i hated that kennel when it was mine.  i never used it.  i so totally took for granted that it was mine.

My home is still set for that stupid spot underwater.  I can't even understand how i found refuge there.  It just annoys me now.  But i don't know what to do about a kennel.  

LOL, amusingly enough i just got logged off sl for inactivity.  So i had to sign back on and find myself at that stupid spot i just complained about.  God does have a sense of humor!

In any case, i probably should set another kennel as home but i don't want to and Master never told me to.  Likewise with removing the cushion from the first kennel.  i'll do both the second Master says.  i await the order.  But that tiny piece of me that holds out hope of reclaiming first girl is not about to do either without Master's direction.  i'm not sure if that's stubbornness or optimism.  i'm inclined to say stubbornness since optimism is all but a foreign concept to me.  But maybe it is some of both.