Anyway, the happy part was showering Master's beast this morning. i was literally giggling in the shower. i love the idea of thinking of myself as His, part by part... the idea of BEING His, part by part. For some reason it sunk in more today. i feel it more today. Every move i make, every choice, every thought reminds me of Master and that i am answerable to Him. i love that. i want an opportunity to kneel but haven't had one yet. i need to straighten up around the computer to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself i can do it.
Things with J are strained more than ever. i feel as if i left him already. Touching him is awkward. It's hard to meet his eyes. i keep thinking about what to tell him and how. It is complicated by the fact that no one locally will support me in my choice. They will all think i am crazy and being deceived and impulsive and making a mistake. People don't just leave a secure job and marriage and family to be a slave to someone they've never even met. There are friends i wish i could talk to but i don't think i can. The fact is that any choice any of us make may be a mistake. we don't have crystal balls. i know this could be one too but it is mine to make. And it is right. It would just be nice to have someone i could talk with about it irl.
Moving on to nou, she is despondent but has learned more from this experience than from any other other by far. As big an impression as the whipping made, as hard as i have been trying to serve Master as i should, as much as i vowed to not become complacent regarding my attitude... last night made me realize that i was already starting to drift back in that direction. i knew Master would whip me any time He wanted but, even still hanging from a punishment on the posts, i was actually surprised He did. What the hell is the matter with me that i can feel that secure so quickly and not fear the whip until it is about to strike? Until i figure that out, my attitude with necessitate that Master keep punishing me to teach me.
How could i have forgotten about the two extra days so entirely that i didn't even know what He was talking about when He referred to them? Some of it, i think, was being so flustered from being whipped, from watching v punished which was just as bad as taking it myself, and from changing my tag. But a part of me felt like it was over and needed to be shown that it wasn't and isn't going to be. If i get so comfortable as to think it is behind me again, the trip back to the whipping posts will be a quick one.
The worst of it, other than His final parting words to "meat", was being made second girl from first. i cried. i felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. i can't believe how much i had taken first for granted. And every maladaptive instinct in my head threatened to emerge. i wanted to run away in any way i can. Some tantrumming brat piece of me actually wanted to say that if i couldn't keep first that i wouldn't stay. i actually thought that. i knew it was ridiculous but some part of me obviously still clings to that my-way-or-no-way mentality. i can't think of a quicker route to getting my ass kicked irl.
Another part of me wanted to play martyr, to get down on myself and start punishing myself on top of what Master already was. i wanted to keep the kajira-in-training tag on. i wanted to beat myself up. And i think i wanted to punish Master too, for making me hurt. i wasn't mad at Him but i guess i didn't want it to be easy for Him. Now i don't think it WAS easy for Him but i was just thinking selfishly then. If i couldn't run then i wanted to stay and pout.
The growth is evident in the fact that i did neither. i kept my mouth shut other than to respond to Master respectfully when needed. i took no actions other than to obey Him. i discarded my own agenda and just accepted that He is in control and knows best. i don't think i ever really understood what Master meant when He has s aid to just "be". But maybe this is it. Letting it happen instead of making it happen. Usually a it of time and distance sheds a new light on things for me as it has with this. Working through the hurt to get to that point of lucidity is a challenge but it is possible. i did it.
Talking to susie has been eye opening. i seem to say to her the things that i need to hear myself say. It kills me to admit it but Master WAS completely right about everything right down to enforcing the two extra days and taking first away. Some idiotic part of me thought He might not so He HAD to. Why do i need Him to be that harsh in order for me to learn and remember anything? Will i ever get the message without His having to torture me with it? It is not for lack of trying on His part to do otherwise. i'd still be clueless and mouthing off if He hadn't punished me. i don't doubt that for a second. i hope that i can start to learn without punishment but i'm not sure how to get from here to there other than to keep working at absolute obedience not just in deed but in attitude.
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