The little kajira on one shoulder urges me to do what is right, to follow through with the commitments that i chose to take on in my life, to ride out the unhappiness and see it as adult reality, to discard all else as selfish fantasy destined to be temporary and without substance in the real world. she steers me wrong. i cannot play the game, project the image, learn my part and spout my lines as i have been any longer. It is chipping away at me and i barely function in this life any longer.
The little kajira on my other shoulder urges me to follow my heart, to take the risk i've never dared to take, to allow myself to be vulnerable in exchange for never having to wonder about "what if", to seek what just might be happiness and sanity and a new height of serenity, to get out of my own way and just pursuit my dreams. she too steers me wrong. i cannot have any contentment knowing i have abandoned the people in my life whose existence i shape. Had i the capacity for this magnitude of disloyalty and self-serving, i would not be kajira.
That leads back to the question of whether i am. Master says "yes" though He also made some points after He whipped me where He doubted it. He said He wanted to get my attention and He certainly accomplished that but He chose he words He did because He knew they would hit home, because He knew they applied to me. Had He wanted the attention of another, He would have selected different words of torment, ones suited to her. He knows me, the inner workings of my mind, but then i know Him as well.
As excruciating as this duality is, part kajira and part Free, i don't know that happiness exists for me in either world at the entire exclusion of the other. There is way too much dominant in me to be only slave and far too much slave in me to live only as Free. So i am back again to searching for a balance, a way to make both worlds exist harmoniously.
One factor, if i am ever to achieve that, has to be truth. Master knows of my Free world. J needs to know of my slave world. He may not need to know everything, may not even wish to know, but i need the liberation of being able to share it with him. i hope he can handle it. i hope he might accept it, perhaps take an interest in it, understand that it is not a game.
After all, how can i expect him to see me for who i am unless and until i can? i think i'm ready to take this step, even a tiny one, in that direction and show him. Who i am today is not the same as who he married. i can't try to be or pretend to be any longer. I am reassured by the idea of placing it in his hands as to whether join me on this journey and grow with me or to fight it and push me further away. i truly hope he can handle sharing this path with me. i love him.
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