Out of Touch

i feel as if SOMETHING is wrong but i'm not really sure what.  i'm just uneasy.  i think this might be one of those times Master meant when He said not to be surprised if He pulls the whip on me when i don't think i've done anything wrong, a time when He can see i need it.  There has to be a way to bipass the whip and figure out what is going on.

Part of it, i think, is anticipation of my two extra days on the whipping posts being over today.  i have no idea whether Master intends to take me down.  The strange thing is that i'm not even sure of what i hope He will do.  Two days ago i thought i would be counting the seconds, that i couldn't wait to be down.  But now i sort of wonder.  It's comfortable there... not physically, of course, but safe in that it keeps me out of trouble.  i know my place there and can't possibly forget it.  i actually sort of like the sameness of signing on and seeing myself there and just not wondering what to anticipate.  

It is boring but there is security in boredom.  i'd rather stay there and behave than be let down and risk screwing up again.  i've never in my life wanted so badly to be good.  i want to prove i can be, to Master and to myself.  Maybe it is not just that i've never WANTED this badly to be good but that i've never before believed that there was any chance i COULD be.  The last few days have been so easy for me.  Behaving has been effortless like never before.  I haven't had to force it or fight myself to do it.  It was just... there.  Natural.  Right.  Automatic.  Simple.

When i began writing this, i thought i was worried that Master would NOT let me down from the whipping posts.  Now i realize i'm actually worried that He will.  It's amazing how out of touch i can be with my true feelings and also how much writing helps to illustrate them to me.

i just reread what i have written so far and it occurs to me that wanting to stay on the whippings posts is a cop-out of sorts.  It is a way of hiding, albeit in plain sight.  It's what i was doing with my rl for such a long time, sticking with sameness rather than taking a risk.  My rl WAS where i belonged at one time.  i loved and learned and grew a lot.  But when it came time to move on, i clung to it rather than letting it go.  What was once my elation is now killing me.

i guess being afraid to move forward when anything is over, even failing to see when it is over, is more destructive than i realized.  Things don't remain status quo because time continues to pass and other factors change.  So, rather than  just treading water and remaining in place, the stagnation starts to erode me, to chip away at my soul.  The same parameters that once fostered my progress are now the ones which hold me back and even cause me to regress.

i understand that i have to move forward in life.  i understand that the unknown is scary.  One of the things that makes it all the more terrifying for me though is how it can be so totally right at one point and, in time, become so totally wrong.  If that could happen with my marriage, why could it not happen with Master too?