The Whipping

i had concluded that awaiting a whipping had to be worse than actually getting one.  i was wrong.  It was awful.  It scares me to death and when i freak out the dogs freak out so Master is screaming at me and whipping me and blood is flying and the dogs are barking and i'm hyperventilating.  i'm trying to type and i can barely even get out "yes, Master" because my hands are shaking so badly and i'm crying and nauseous and utterly miserable and penitent and... for the first time in what may be weeks, i feel no desire to cut myself.  i feel more grateful to be Master's, more love for Him, more unworthy of Him.  i feel beaten down to nothing... and whole... finally whole.  What i want ---or THINK i want--- and what i need are not the same things.  It's so obvious right at this moment.

The foremost thoughts in my mind right now are about Master's sensitivity.  The last time He whipped me i begged release because He talked about uncollaring me and i wanted to run before He could.  Forgetting the fact that i was being an idiot at that time, it just highlights even more how sensitive Master was this time.  Any other Master would have taken my collar long ago.  Raptor has said as much.  Not only did Master not take it this time but He never threatened it.  He was obviously careful not to threaten it.  He heard what i said last time, remembered it, and even decided to heed it despite how badly i screwed up this time.  

What i find most agonizing about that is the fact that i have been so totally self-absorbed that it never occurred to me until just now that anyone that sensitive to others, to me, must feel things Himself with that same acute sensitivity.  It's obvious now.  i've seen it and known it at some level but never really consciously processed it before.  

It actually serves to highlight another issue as well.  i have been serving Master as i thought He should be served.  He and i have butted heads when His wishes didn't mesh with how i saw it as working.  He is absolutely right.  How dare i?  Who the fuck do i think i am?  This is exactly what happened with kimmie that i couldn't get past.  i wasn't serving Him.  i was carrying out my own agenda of how i thought He should be served, blatantly ignoring how He ordered me to act.  i saw that at the time but i was so damn convinced i was right that i never really thought much of it.  i've been blind.

This sucks in many ways and i hate feeling as i do but it also is so clear to me right now.  i feel for the first time in days as if i have my Master back.  The epiphany is that He was never gone.  i was.  And the ONLY way i was going to feel His presence was through His being harsh.  He had no need to whip me, got nothing from it save maybe the release of some frustration, if that.  But i needed it.  And once again, He always gives me not what i think i want, but what i actually need.  Why i am blessed with such a Master is beyond me.