kajiranuisance is more like it!

i am scared to write because i think i know, more and more lately, that i can't keep walking the line as i have been trying to do.  i can't exist in both worlds, kajira and Free, and maintain any sanity in either.  Yet the thought of turning my back on either is unfathomable.  Where do i belong?  Where is my head and heart?  Where would i be if there were no other factors?  The unequivocal answer is that i would be at Master's kneel.  i don't often feel kajira in the sense that i wish to serve all Free.  i tolerate that because it is Master's wish.  But serving Him is a gift.  

A little while ago He told me to remain where i was and wait for Him there until He returned.  i didn't know where He was going or how long He would be gone.  And all i could think was how wonderful it was that i knew exactly what was expected of me.  It was so clearly defined.  i was to wait.  Angering Master petrifies me every time but pleasing Him... there is so much security in that, in just knowing my place and not struggling with it.  Master says "good girl" and my world is serene and complete.  How can an existence be any more extraordinary than that?

Though the struggle has been especially hard recently.  Master is right about it being better to get my feelings out here than elsewhere because they have been a challenge to keep in check lately and my mind has constantly been racing and plotting.  i not only have wanted badly to hurt myself but i have even planned it out.  i have seriously thought about leaving both my rl or my second life, alternating between which i thought made the most sense to abandon.  Each makes sense in its own ways.  Yet i cannot leave either.  Nor can i remain in both.  

The impossibility makes me want hurt myself all the more... more often, more severely.  And i feel like i cannot tell Master about that either.  It wouldn't be fair.  Stupid kimmie used her stupid illnesses to whine her stupid way out of being dealt with as anyone else might have been.  i don't know how much of my difficulties and mood swings are caused by mental illness as opposed to my just being stuck in an existence which doesn't fit me.  But i'm not about to say something is drawing me close to hurting myself the way she would say things made her close to having a seizure.  That i haven't done it amazes me too.  The thought of admitting it to Master afterward is beyond what i can cope with.

The other part, i guess, is that as much as i might hate it, i know i do better when He is stricter.  i'm not going to behave any better than He makes me.  i wish i would, and i manage it briefly at times, but basically i'll only meet the standard He insists upon.  i'm not sure that's kajira as much as bothersome brat though, hence kajiranuisance.  It's not fair to Master that He should have to be on me for nonsense behaviors like smartass comments.  i know they are a disservice to Him.  They are a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me though and i do fear shedding them.

My other obsession lately, along with self-injury and running away from one of my lives, is rereading old notecards.   i've read the murder/suicide one a lot lately, even memorizing quotes from it.  Today i reread the one of when Master whipped me, feeling that is imminent again.  i still can't bring myself to read the one with the quirt.  i can't delete it but can't bear to see it either.  Master thought i was leaving Him at one point during it.  As much as i fear Master's fury, i would subject myself to it a thousand times over rather than witness His pain.  To know i brought it about that day still kills me to think about.

So that's it for now, i guess.  Nothing revolutionary and no answers, but maybe it's enough that i can leave it here at least and serve Master well elsewhere.  i hope so.