Okay... moving right along...
GRRR!!! i thought i knew what i was going to write about but everything that seemed "poor me" a minute ago sounds "whiny little bitch" now, even in my own head.
And then i arrived home to Master's message about the kennel. my very first thought was peaceful, just being glad that Master made the decision and i didn't have to deal with it.
But that lasted about a split second before my mood reverted back to that oh so very eloquent sentiment of "fuck it"! And now i just fucking realized that i'm fucking home alone and i fucking have to nadu and i don't even fucking know if i'm doing it right and i don't fucking feel like it! i'm in the middle of setting up my pills in their containers for the week, which i cannot do in nadu because Norman will get to them, and they are looking REALLY good right now. i hadn't thought of it in a while but i have a website saved that says how much of any different medication or combination of medications it takes to kill yourself. i think it's based on a male of a certain base weight but how hard can it be to adjust?
What the fuck am i doing? What the fuck am i thinking? i hate how fucked up i am. i hate everything about myself. And what the fuck happens when Master figures out what a lost cause i am? What then? And i am so fucking fucked up that i'm distracted by the fucking fact that too many sentences start with "and". i'm a fucking lunatic.
Great! my meds were set and i was in nadu for all of about four seconds when j got back home. And i don't know whether to take them anyway. i can't take them without eating and i'm not eating. i refuse. And how the fuck can anyone eat normally when they are TOLD to eat normally but that they need to share everything they ate and drank? It's like when the doctor jams a stethoscope in your chest and says to breathe normally. Not fucking likely.
So i'm going to try to go to sleep with the inspired parting thought of "fuck it"!
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